Should I break up with my girlfriend after five years

[Bertdaddy718]

Hi all,

I wanted to come here for some advice.   I am truly torn between what to do whether to keep my girlfriend or break up with her.  A little bit of background info...

I am a just turned 29 year old male, my girlfriend is 27 and will be 28 in October.  I met her when we were a bit younger, back in August 2015, right after I got out of a 4 and a half year relationship to a girl I loved very much.  Back then, I was struggling to finish college to my bachelors in computer science and had a bit of a drinking problem.  Never the less, I met her through a friend online, we went out on some dates that summer, and we became a "fling."  We got to know each other very well, and in between being a busy college student commuting back and fourth to college in New York City, commuting to a part time job while going to school 30 hours a week, and then somehow finding time to drive 45 miles each way to see her often, we instantly clicked.  Her personality, her life goals and mine - we meshed right up.  We laughed with each other, she was the only girl out there that I've honestly truly ever met that laughed at my crummy jokes, and we both wanted to have kids, be serious, settle down, buy a nice house, have a nice career, and move up in life.

 

Fast forward to May 2016.  Over the years and months before that, my pattern of drinking secretly and going out - overindulging reached an all time high.  I got into a terrible car crash at that time which almost took my life.  She helped nurse me back to health in the hosptial, and while I was on crutches recovering from a hip fracture as a freshly turned 25 year old man, I realized I had to get my life in order.  Shortly after that, we started fighting, got into some bad fights, and ended up breaking up  (She left me stranded 45 miles away from home while being on crutches and it was a nightmare to get back).

 

After that day where we broke up, I was able to get a Uber back home 45 miles away to my parents house.  I focused on healing up from my terrible summer car accident, focused on schooling, getting my life in order, and graduating college.    When I went back to college in Fall of 2016, I finally got serious about school. I was a single man, living with my parents, still commuting back and fourth to NYC to school and then working my part time job.  I went on multiple dating apps, took a few women out on dates- but never found anything too great.  I dated a girl for several months, but I barely liked her, and looking back on it, I should have been dating multiple women to see what was out there more aggressively.

 

Short time later, around 9 months after our August 2016 breakup, I reached out to her one day on instagram, and from there we started talking again.  Make it a long story short, after a long discussion on both sides, we arranged a time to meet up at the local mall.  We met up that night, and I found her so hot and sexy, so gorgeous, we went out on a date, and ended up making out in the mall parking lot.  It felt so good to be reunited with her after 9 months.

 

Fast forward 3 months later, I graduated school (finally) after getting my life in order, and got a job in NYC as she moved into a new apartment.  This was her second apartment after moving out.   As it was an exciting life event that I finally graduated school at age 26 after all those years, she offered to let me stay in her apartment, as it was less of a commute to work, and we really liked each other.  I moved in after driving back and fourth in September of 2018.  I have been working at my full time job since, and since been promoted twice.

 

As you can imagine, its now somehow May 2020.  As she is now going to be 28 years old in October, I just turned 29, and she will want to settle down at some point in the next year or so (can you really blame her?).  That's great and all, but I feel things on my end have faded a bit.

 

While I find her beautiful, I love her personality, we mesh well, she understands me, and she has been completely loyal to me-  there are things that I don't like.  We sometimes get into fights over stupid things, and sometimes I feel she complains too much about not important things which I don't like.  Up until recently, we got into some terrible fights over the past year, to the point it made me storm out a few times and her also.  She also is now 40 or 50 pounds heavier from when I met her initially, so while she doesn't look absolutely horrible, the attraction has certainly gone down quite a bit on my end to her.  I try to not let this be a factor, but to be honest- it is.  We have been working out before this whole covid crisis, but obviously, now with the gym closed, that doesnt help.  Of course I will never tell her this, because it will hurt her feelings, and I love her, but at the end of the day attraction is important also.  

I'm also starting to feel "bored" in the relationship.  It feels like the same thing every time.  Every weekend, we almost always do the same thing.  She isn't as attractive as she once was, and she will want to settle down soon.  She also is looking to relocate in a bigger apartment or house since we are now both making money, and I figured before we both sign a lease.  this is my time to get out if I am not happy.  Am I wrong for caring about looks?  Why do I only feel like the relationship is so so and not so attracted to her as I once was.  is this normal?  What do i do?  This is so hard on me.  I am thinking about this, and keep going back and fourth.  I don't want to lead her on and waste her time.  I also know, that if I break up with her, I may find a better looking girl but I may not end up with somebody as loyal, somebody who cares about me -as much as she does.  She is 100% in this and wants a future with me.  The question is if I do.  For some reason, I now find myself sometimes looking at other women, wonder what it would be like to be with another woman, and it breaks my heart, because at the same time I don't want to leave her. I understand that this isnt right either.  I dont want to string her along, but I dont want to cut her loose.  I honestly have no idea what to do.  How do i go about determining if this is the one for me?  I think also the fact I wasnt single long before her has something to do with it.  I'm now 29 years old, and time flies, and I need to figure out what to do.   Is it normal for things to "fizzle out" a little bit after  5 years as someone my age?  Does the relationship change or have I?  Someone help me on this please.   Thank you.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Bertdaddy718

[schlumpy]

9 minutes ago, Bertdaddy718 said:

While I find her beautiful, I love her personality, we mesh well, she understands me, and she has been completely loyal to me-  there are things that I don't like. 

 

BTW, you never mentioned how deeply in love with her you are.

Let her go because time is flying by for her also and you just wasted some of her prime years.

[Bertdaddy718]

Understood.   And I feel bad even thinking this way.  Dont get me wrong I DO do love her very much I really do.  Should I spend maybe two or three weeks before ending it seeing if I can salvage this being it's been this long already or dont bother?  Once I end it its done and she and I are headed down different paths forever.

Edited May 17, 2020 by Bertdaddy718

[Blind-Sided]

I personally never understood the "I love her/him but I'm bored" thing.  That's just life, and growing up.  So... just break up since that's what you want.  Nothing we can say here will make a difference.

[Realitysux]

4 hours ago, Bertdaddy718 said:

Understood.   And I feel bad even thinking this way.  Dont get me wrong I DO do love her very much I really do.  Should I spend maybe two or three weeks before ending it seeing if I can salvage this being it's been this long already or dont bother?  Once I end it its done and she and I are headed down different paths forever.

End it and let her find someone else too! 

[DKT3]

I will be honest,  I read nothing that is a real issue.  Until you said she gained 40 or 50 pounds.  I believe that is your only issue and the rest is excuses to attempt to sound less shallow.  

You are young, but take my advice on this one subject,  loyal faithful women are hard to come by nowadays.  I dont envy your generation.  

 

[ShyViolet]

You're very young.  There is a whole world out there and you have practically your whole life ahead of you.  This relationship sounds like it has no future.  You clearly are not truly happy with her, so just let her go.  Don't string her along.  Let her stop wasting her time in this dead relationship, so she can get out there and find someone who truly does want to be with her.  And you can find someone who you are excited and passionate about, too.

[ExpatInItaly]

What are these arguments about that have led to you or her storming out?

I know you are less attracted to her physically, but I am gathering there are other bigger incompatibilities here. 

[d0nnivain]

Your timing is spot on.  Now is the time to get out.  Do not sign a new lease.  

Breaking up is never easy.  Change is hard but you can't marry her just to avoid hurting her feelings.  Make it a clean break . . . no false hope.  Then go forward.  

[k100danny]

It sounds like yes you should break up. I have wasted years of someones life who i knew wanted a future, kids, marriage ect and i suppose i did too but we both knew there were issues in the relationship that we needed to work on alone to be able to have a happy relationship somewhere down the line.

 

If you're looking at women because she gained some weight and already wondering what it would be like to be with someone else then you are not loyal to her which is not nice, You may not cheat but that type of day dreaming of another relationship is a sign. Theres nothing wrong with thinking other women are hot when you're in a relationship but if you start thinking about being in relationships with other people that is something the other person would be distraught to find out.

 

Dont wake up 5 years from now and feel guilty or tell her you don't want to get married, be selfless and let her go, waiting to see if someone better comes along is a horrible thing to do and you also shouldn't settle just thinking you like half of the relationship.

[Bertdaddy718]

Hi all,

 

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you, for your insight and advice.  I will be clear, concise and honest, this would be the first time I ever broke up with someone on my own terms which feels liberating but also scary at the same time.  My previous relationship was also 5 years before this one, so I think being single for a while might be the best way to go, at least for my mental health for a little bit.

 

An update* - yesterday I could not take it anymore.  We were fighting over something stupid (like we usually do) in the afternoon on a Sunday, and I was exhausted.  I said to myself, between that and her being crazy looking for new apartments to rent that enough is enough.  I spilled the beans and told her that I do not like her as much as I once did.  I told her all about how the relationship feels old, sour, boring, we do nothing, and I dont want that for the rest of my life.  Unsurprisingly - she immediately pointed out my faults, saying I don't put enough effort into our relationship, I should try harder, etc.  As much as I'd like this to work, hearing her complain about me yet again made me feel more detached, emotionally unavailable, and sick and tired of being sick and tired as usual.  At this point sometimes I just feel so emotionally drained, hearing her complain and tell me how I need to "be a real man."

 

Personally, I do not want this relationship to feel, but it feels like it probably will for a multiple of reasons.  Some of these reasons are my fault, and others are her own ( even though she wont realize it or give me the time of day when I try to explain my feelings).

 

I did not formally break up with her on the spot, although I implied that pretty soon that is going to happen and that I am not happy.  I asked her if this is even worth continuing, as our relationship feels "dead."    I also mentioned that I do not want to waste her time.  She then guilt tripped me a bit saying, "Well after all this effort and time, if our relationship ends after 5 years, you are a real piece of s***."  This guilt tripped me a bit, but I also realized that its not entirely my fault if a relationship fails- probably better to break up then be forced into marriage, get divorced 6 months later, and be miserable.   Either she's foolish or really does not believe I will leave her..all of the emotions I felt short of me saying its over I told her.  She does not seem to believe I will leave or she just doesnt care -- probably because we have gotten into many fights in the past with each other threatening to leave.  I figured I did not want to get this done on a Sunday with me having to work remotely in 12 hours but I do realize I need to break up with her, because she will probably never break up with me.  And obviously, if I was so happy, I would not be writing this here.

 

In the mean time I am continuing to work from home during the week, and seeing how things go for another week or two.   I  am going back to my parents house this weekend to see my friends.  I figure in the mean time its probably a good idea to start "cleaning" out my room, thinking about a time to formally end this, because I know it will be messy packing up draws full of clothes into suitcases on the spot.  I know bolting out of this apartment will be key once I end it with her.  

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Whats a good course of action next?  Maybe start cleaning up my room in my parents old house where I will be temporarily staying once this is over?  Is there any "easy" way to do this?  This feels hard to do, not just because I will be hurting her, but also because I have never formally broken up with anyone before - I have only had 2 other relationships before this one - one lasting 5 years and the other 2 years so its not easy.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated how to move forward.  Thanks all

 

 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Bertdaddy718

[Whodatdog]

No easy way to do it, but it seems at this point, its the only answer. If I were you Id try as hard as you possibly can to stop the arguing and yelling. Just dont engage when she starts. Dont answer back, dont get into heated arguments. You need to stay calm and focused. Its horrible to break up while fighting and screaming. Keep it calm and respectful. Yes, start gathering up your belongings. You need to tell her that you think its best if you two separate and go your separate ways, and you need to tell her soon, as she will need to find an apartment.

And do not feel guilt tripped if she throws back at you the 5 year relationship. Relationships arent quantified by time, they are quantified by quality. When they are over, whether its 6 months, or 5 years, or 30 years, then they are over.

Edited May 23, 2020 by Whodatdog

[Ekaj]

Hmm sometimes the grass isn’t always greener. Take it from me. 

[SweetCharity]

It sounds like you have no respect for her at all. Calling her foolish, complaining about her weight (though you can't help it if you stop being attracted to her, it's just gross to mention her weight), complaining that she's complaining. It's just all about what you want. Leave her already. Don't give it a week or two. You'd be doing the both of you a favor. Wait until she's out of the house and leave. Don't contact her. Block her from everything.

And just be single for a while. You're clearly not in the right head space to "find another girl." The way you're talking about women is very one-sided (women do this too about men so don't @ me). A relationship should be a partnership. And not a pain in the hindquarters. Take your 5 year relationship as a learning experience and move on. 

Best of luck.