3 of Us

[Gosh88]

I will start this post saying I am from Europe (sorry for my English) and my husband is American.

Idk what to do, I would never expect I might be in situation like that. So my husband and I got married a year ago, we are both 33 and its 1st marriage for both of us.
Only difference is that my husband have 2 kids with his ex girlfriend. They have been together on and off for 7 years, during this time she cheat on him multiple times, so he start to do the same, they were argue a lot, and the final of this relationship was the worse scenario ever.
Because he didn't wan't to leave the house she called police and accused him of domestic valiance, he went to jail, and at this time she packed, took kids, everything what they had and disappear.
Because he couldn't go to work, he got fired, kicked out from apartment for not paying the rent and became homeless for some time. His family is very pathological, no father, mother have mental issues, no one help him, so he had to handle all of this by himself.
I meet him already 4 years after all this happened, before we got married I asked if he have any feelings to mother of his kids, he said no, he hate her, she destroyed his life for no reason etc. Our life was perfect since I meet him, loving husband sending flowers without reason, texts from work that he can't wait to come back home, romantic dinners, plans to buy a house and have kids.
... And problems start this year, 9 months after our wedding.
His ex was going thru divorce and decided to file for higher child support, and that was also chance for us to apply for visitations.
I went to 2 from 3 court hearing, the last one was on Valentines day and I had to work till 9pm so I couldn't go. That day my husband came back around 10 pm saying he went to visit cousin because he know I will be in work anyway.
Around 3 weeks ago, like 5 days before our wedding anniversary he admit he start to seeing his kids, went there on valentines day after hearing, and start to see them more regular. He also admit that at the moment when he left for 3 days to visit his friend he stay in they house, and kiss and cuddle his ex !!!
He said hes so sorry, he just needed this goodbye kiss for all the past, that the kiss is a symbol of forgiveness and new beginning. He told me all his lies, everything day by day since Feb 14th, and because they didn't had sex, the day after I decided to forgive him.
But at that moment my husband said he still love her and he don't know if he can be with me, and disappear for 3 days. He came back day of our wedding anniversary, apologies again, said he love me and he want to be with me, that he was staying in the car like 1h away to think, I believed (his ex is 12h away) and had an amazing time.
Day after, I found out he's still texting her, apparently because she lost apartment, left state, and need some help so kids will not stay in the hotel, she was saying she moved there for a guy (but wait? so why hes not helping her?). And at this moment I found out those 3 missing days he spend with her and kids in that hotel. He was trying to defense the love is not real and he just playing her to get the kids back.
We had a huge fight, he told me he want divorce like 20 times, so I left. But few days later he contact me saying that he does have feelings for her, shes mother of his kids, probably 1st love in his life, she also said she love him and want to try one more time ... for kids, and said honestly that he was thinking about it, but told her he have wife and want to stay with me.
And because I love him so much, I was thinking "omg, he chose me over her ... and kids" he have to love me. He came to pick me up, shewing how much he missed and love me, and we decided not to have any secrets, help with apartment for kids and think about our own kids.
3 days later I catch him on talking with her, again about feeling and future, I confront him and again he told me he want divorce, than he said hes confuse, he don't know what to do and he need time.
I start to digging, I already know hes taking adderall, but just found out he double or even triple the daily dose, found out he's taking impotence drugs since before he even meet me (never told me about it), he start to loosing his hair also, which dont take to good.
My friends assume all of that push him to an midlife crisis.
I don't recognize my own husband, hes like completely different person with no emotions.
What should I do? I still love him, apparently he still didn't cheat on me sexual (if I can even believe what he saying) and still love me (both of us). I was looking for answers in internet about midlife crisis and almost all articles saying to let him do what he want and wait. But idk if I can do that, just think every day he is there, not here. That he love her not me. And what if is not an middle life crisis but it's just him, lying a... And that's only 1st year of marriage, what will be in the future? This whole situation in killing me. Everything was so perfect till Valentines day. I start suspected something, but was thinking it's just over of honeymoon "period" now is time for "normal" life.
So what should I do? What can I do?

[schlumpy]

I don't think I can offer any advice until understand what YOU want. You married a man with an unresolved romantic past, medical problems you knew nothing about, and apparently froim what you have written here, a pathological liar. Were you so smitten with the flowers and love bombs that you failed to notice his obvious flaws?

You are in love with him. That puts you at an extreme disadvantage.

If you want to keep the marriage then its marriage counseling for both of you. He's probably not going to want to do that and I have no answer as to how persuade him.

It would be in your best interest if you had an ally to help you such as a family member or a very good friend. I think your feelings are getting in the way of making good decisions for yourself. Start making plans and hiding money that you may need for a future exit.

You have no children with him now and please keep that way until this matter is resolved one way or another. 

[Gosh88]

31 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I don't think I can offer any advice until understand what YOU want. You married a man with an unresolved romantic past, medical problems you knew nothing about, and apparently froim what you have written here, a pathological liar. Were you so smitten with the flowers and love bombs that you failed to notice his obvious flaws?

You are in love with him. That puts you at an extreme disadvantage.

If you want to keep the marriage then its marriage counseling for both of you. He's probably not going to want to do that and I have no answer as to how persuade him.

It would be in your best interest if you had an ally to help you such as a family member or a very good friend. I think your feelings are getting in the way of making good decisions for yourself. Start making plans and hiding money that you may need for a future exit.

You have no children with him now and please keep that way until this matter is resolved one way or another. 

Yes, I knew about his past, and he was assuring me its a past. Well even his brother was saying that he never seen him that much in love so no I didnt suspect anything. I knew about ADHD meds, and after I found out about impotence drugs he said he was ashamed to tell me, because he would loose in my eyes. And yes, idk if I could trust him ever again, but reading about middle age crisis doctors advice to not do anything, just take care of my self, because its not his fault, and it its very normal. But for me that's not normal !!!

[schlumpy]

It's wonderful to play the role of the loving, understanding and loyal wife but you should not view your role in this marriage as a sacrificial lamb. The reason you got married was to share the burdens that come to us in life and not to take them all on yourself.

At the moment it seems you are choosing to wait, be silent and allow him to work through his emotions. I can't say it won't work. I've known women who looked the other way when their husbands had affairs and they survived. I don't know what internal qualities allowed them to accomplish that feat. I only know they are not contained within me. Is this your choice? Is this what you want? As long as he comes home to you then everything is alright?

I think when you got married he made his choice. He doesn't get to choose again as long as he's with you. He doesn't respect you so you have to put pressure on him to stay or go. None of this in-between stuff.

Put aside the good doctors book on mid-life crisis and get a man-hating women lawyer to fill you in on what your rights are under the law of the state you live in. If you can't make the right decisions for yourself then borrow someone else's willpower preferably a friend but the lawyer will do.

Meanwhile look up the 180. You can find it on the Chump ladys website. It's a program that will help you detach from your feelings and clear your mind for rational decision making.

You can carry some hope for reconciliation but you must be prepared to move on with your life to something better.

 

 

[justwhoiam]

On 5/17/2020 at 2:57 AM, Gosh88 said:

So what should I do?

Well, the real question is: is there anything I should have done before trusting this man blindly before getting married?

And the answer is: yes. You should have retrieved all the papers about his court hearings, sentences, etc. to see if all he was saying was even true. I recommend doing so ASAP. It's never too late to know about the man you married and with whom you're still married.

Anyway, what should you do now? First of all, don't take things lightly. If anything happens (any scenario from mildly negative to nightmare), you are in the picture as the cohabitating wife. So you can't let anything go.

1. Warn his doctor about his drug abuse immediately and try to reconstruct a timeline of prescriptions (he might get drugs from multiple doctors). I don't think the doctor can take that lightly as if anything happens to your husband related to drugs he's taking, the doc will be the first one to be inquired. And no doctor wants to end on a newspaper for something like that.

2. Talk to a legal counsel/adviser to know your husband's rights and the ex girlfriend's obligations: can she live wherever she feels like? There must be limitations if he got visitation rights. If you're unable to retrieve papers about his past convictions, have the legal adviser or lawyer do that for you, so that you have clear information about his past.

3. If mom and children live in a motel, report it to social services. Children should be the focus of any decision and a priority. Next thing you know she's a sexual worker living in a motel room with her kids. At 33, both parents need to know better.

4. If he decides he wants to go back to his dysfunctional relationship (he might have a history as an offender, and you have no clue about it), talk to an attorney, who will see all there is to see and determine what they feel you're entitled to. Don't forget to mention he deceived you saying he was visiting a cousin, while he was staying at the ex girlfriend's hotel/motel, he lied to you repeteadly, he was not coming home to sleep, the drug abuse, and anything new you might find out after reading about his conviction(s). You might want to divorce or be entitled to marriage annulment.

5. If you file for divorce, make sure to get prescribed therapy. See a therapist, psychologist/psychiatrist even better, and keep all the receipts. You might want to ask for damages for all the trouble you went through because of him. Talk to your lawyer about that too.

6. If you go through a divorce, the judge may order the spouses to go to mediation to try and negotiate any unresolved issues. I guess you should skip that.

7. During your divorce trial, each side will be able to put on witnesses, cross-examine the other side’s witnesses, and make closing arguments. Your state's divorce laws and the number of divorce cases in your local Family Court System will determine how quickly your case goes to trial. The judge will hear both sides of the case at trial and will then come to a decision regarding all issues. The length of time it takes the judge to write a final order is directly related to the complexities of your case.

8. After the trial is over and the judge has signed his/her order, either party is entitled to file a post-trial motion for relief from the final judgment. The party typically has 30 days after the order is signed to file a post-trial motion. The other party has 30 days to respond to the motion. A post-trial motion, if approved by the judge, would allow you and your attorney to argue why you believe a ruling by the judge is unfair.

9. If post-trial motions are denied, a notice of appeal can be filed within 30 days of the final judgment or 30 days after the post-trial motion is denied. The party seeking the appeal will have a few months to file the lower court record with the appeals court and file his or her brief. The other party will then have about a month to file a response brief. In most states, the parties will be granted an oral argument, and the court will then make its final decision. If the case is reversed, the appellate court will send it back to the trial court for further proceedings. If the case is affirmed, it is over.

Edited June 10, 2020 by justwhoiam

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but it's time to tell him to make a choice:  her or you.  He should always have his kids in his life but he can't cuddle with her or stay for 3 days.  For him to say that he still loves her . . . that would be too much for me.  I'd be out the door.  

[Mellowed]

My ex husband left me for other woman and married her.She had no idea what I went through with him.I thought he had midlife crisis also.I would not have him back after all the crap I went through.I filled for divorce.I know she's next to go through it.This may be a battle you can't win.Good luck