Is he sleeping with a man?

[Cherry Bomb]

HI. I am new here and need some advice. Over the past year I have found out that my husband has been talking to men. He claims he has never met them and it has only been sexting. He has never mentioned to me that he is bisexual or anything. During the past week, I have noticed blood smears on the toilet after he has used the bathroom. Today, I was picking up his laundry and his underwear is stained with blood. He has not said anything to me about it. Would this be consistent with anal sex? How can I talk to him without accusing or him becoming defensive?

[schlumpy]

The very first thing to do is to not have unprotected sex with your husband if you think he's having unprotected sex with other men. Women that contract HIV mainly get it from two sources: bi-sexual men and drug use as in sharing needles. I think you know what category you may be under.

The Blood could be from vigorous anal sex, hemorrhoids or colon cancer. There may be other conditons that leave visible blood in the stool that I don't know of. So, take your pick.

What's your next move? Demand a medical exam? You should get one yourself.

 

[ShyViolet]

If his underwear is stained with blood, he needs to see a doctor.  You should ask him about it, don't accuse him of cheating or having sex with men, just ask him why there's blood and tell him that he needs to see a doctor asap.  See how he reacts.

If he is sexting with men, yes I would say he must be bisexual, even if he hasn't acted on it.  I'm not sure how you can accuse him of cheating when the only evidence you have as of now is sexting, and finding blood which is really weird...... just be very careful though.  I agree with the above poster, you should not have unprotected sex with him if there's any doubts in your mind about whether he's doing this.

[stillafool]

Bleeding from the rectum can mean many things before you start jumping to conclusions.  He could have problems with his colon (needing a colonoscopy), hemorrhoids, anal fissure, etc.  It is a symptom of cancer also so he should get to the doctor right away.

[IslandSanctuary]

Seems likely that you are right. I have Crohns disease and I work really hard on my diet to keep it in remission(Lots of sunlight, veges, grass fed meat, nothing processed) and sometimes it flares up and I bleed in the toilet. 
But I definitely don't message and sext gay men.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, IslandSanctuary said:

But I definitely don't message and sext gay men.

I think that is the main giveaway here...

[salparadise]

I agree. Straight men don't sext each other, and straight men don't sext gay men. If you have proof how could you not draw the only reasonable conclusion? I think it's enough.

All of those other possible reasons for blood stained underwear, with the exception of hemorrhoids, are unlikely. And the fact that this has happened not long after you found out he was sexting men, well, coincidences can happen but they usually aren't. 

If I were you I'd ask him, but not in an accusatory or judgmental way. If he feels safe, and knows you have evidence, he might tell you everything.

The question is, now that you know what will you do? 

Edited May 18, 2020 by salparadise

[stillafool]

You could just tell him you saw the blood in his underwear and will be making an appointment for him with his doctor.  Watch his reaction.

[IndigoNight]

Give him Miralax, Preparation H, and tell him to make an appointment with a proctologist. Blood in the toilet/underwear is usually hemorrhoids, or something similar. Anal sex isn't typically bloody if done right. Using anal toys wrong on himself might be tough.

If he is sexting men he is at the very least bi-curious. Do you find his behavior acceptable? If not, you need to find a way to put a stop to it. Sexting other men isn't exactly "normal" for a happily married heterosexual man. If you do accept it, then so be it.

You might want to consider marriage counseling. At the very least, you should find someone to talk to.

[ExpatInItaly]

The blood could be a symptom of any number of physical ailments. He needs a doctor, as the others have already said. 

However, you do have a problems with your husband. He shouldn't be sexting with anyone other than you, and if he's sexting with men, there is another layer: he's evidently been hiding this aspect of his sexuality. That isn't something people who aren't attracted to men do. 

You two need to have a serious talk, about both trust, infidelity and his sexual preferences. 

[sandylee1]

I presume sexting other men isn't a dealbreaker for you then. 

I wouldn't have hung around to see the bloodstained underwear tbh.