I am not sure if my husband and I are still in love

[Piper8888]

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if my husband loves me or do I still love him because I don’t ever feel he loves me in a romantic way. I am so confused because he definitely wants me to stay in the marriage talking about getting old together and future with our kids. We have been married 8 years this year but together almost 13 years and 2 kids. But he has never taken me out on romantic dates nor has he ever made an effort to celebrate our wedding anniversary. No cards or flowers or dinner.  He definitely loves the kids more than me 100percent. We have 2 kids 9 and 6. I have given up my job when we had kids and we now live in a foreign country. I have no money .we don’t have a joint bank account but I don’t mind because we don’t really have much money. All I can say he has been selfless, working for our family, giving the best life our little money can buy. Sex has been so-so. I don’t know if it is normal but we have sex maximum 2x a month. Of course I wanted to be intimate more but maybe he has low libido? Or is it me? Maybe he doesn’t find me sexy or anything? I don’t know but when I was single I was sought after and even now when I got out I still get noticed. I feel like I deserve more. But also think that I’m being a spoiled brat? I don’t know how to feel. I feel like going out on a date with another man not necessarily to be intimate but just to feel special and feel romance. I never felt loved and romanced in a very long time. I have been telling him I am not happy and he doesn’t make an effort to make me happy.

[schlumpy]

Demand marriage counseling. Short of leaving him, it's the only place I know where you might be able to get him to understand what you are talking about. No guarantee he will agree but it's worth a try before you blow your life up.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to him.  Tell him specifically what you want / expect.  A willing partner will do things to make their spouse feel valued. 

I jokingly call my husband Mr. No-manse because he is not romantic at all.  So we brain stormed about concrete things he could do to make me feel wanted / loved / valued.  Just now he walked into a room & kissed me out of the blue.  We call them "surprise kisses."  In the beginning when we started this DH thought it was dumb & unnecessary but he did it, reluctantly & infrequently, but he made the effort.  Now he likes doing it.  Try talking to your husband about what you specifically need.  Praise & appreciate any effort he makes to give you what you want. 

On a more concrete note do something to earn your own money & get more involved in household finances.  You need to be a signatory on the bank account.  You are an equal participant in your marriage not another child.  

[Malin889]

Have you talked to him about this at all? You need to tell him how you feel. He may think/know something is up and be glad that you brought it up. You deserve to be happy, so talk to him. 

[DKT3]

So, who is this other guy you want to date?

[Piper8888]

13 hours ago, DKT3 said:

So, who is this other guy you want to date?

There is no one. I was just wishing I could go out with someone who will take me out on a dinner at least :(

[Piper8888]

17 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Have you talked to him about this at all? You need to tell him how you feel. He may think/know something is up and be glad that you brought it up. You deserve to be happy, so talk to him. 

[Piper8888]

Just now, Piper8888 said:

17 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Have you talked to him about this at all? You need to tell him how you feel. He may think/know something is up and be glad that you brought it up. You deserve to be happy, so talk to him. 

This is not a new issue. It has been recurring. He does something like buy me a new phone so I would forget about it temporarily but they a few months later it comes up again.  I have talked to him, hinted, etc but he doesn’t seem to care about the outcome. He doesn’t think or feel 

[Piper8888]

23 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Talk to him.  Tell him specifically what you want / expect.  A willing partner will do things to make their spouse feel valued. 

I jokingly call my husband Mr. No-manse because he is not romantic at all.  So we brain stormed about concrete things he could do to make me feel wanted / loved / valued.  Just now he walked into a room & kissed me out of the blue.  We call them "surprise kisses."  In the beginning when we started this DH thought it was dumb & unnecessary but he did it, reluctantly & infrequently, but he made the effort.  Now he likes doing it.  Try talking to your husband about what you specifically need.  Praise & appreciate any effort he makes to give you what you want. 

On a more concrete note do something to earn your own money & get more involved in household finances.  You need to be a signatory on the bank account.  You are an equal participant in your marriage not another child.  

Thanks for your advice. He knows my issues. It is nothing new. I’ve actually gotten tired of it. I don’t want to bring myself to talk to him again. He knows what I feel but he doesn’t make any effort:(

[Piper8888]

On 5/18/2020 at 12:24 AM, schlumpy said:

Demand marriage counseling. Short of leaving him, it's the only place I know where you might be able to get him to understand what you are talking about. No guarantee he will agree but it's worth a try before you blow your life up.

Thank you for your advice. It is weird but I don’t feel like seeing a marriage counselor. I feel like at the back of my head I want this marriage to fail ? I am being pessimistic I think but I don’t see him changing for me :(

 

13 hours ago, DKT3 said:

So, who is this other guy you want to date?

 

[Malin889]

1 minute ago, Piper8888 said:

Thank you for your advice. It is weird but I don’t feel like seeing a marriage counselor. I feel like at the back of my head I want this marriage to fail ? I am being pessimistic I think but I don’t see him changing for me

 

 

Then maybe it's time to separate. 

[d0nnivain]

27 minutes ago, Piper8888 said:

Thanks for your advice. He knows my issues. It is nothing new. I’ve actually gotten tired of it. I don’t want to bring myself to talk to him again. He knows what I feel but he doesn’t make any effort:(

Men don't respond well to generalized complaints of I don't feel loved.  Honestly they have no idea how to fix that.  You may have told him what you feel but that does not mean he knows.  You must be very specific & give him detailed solutions. 

It sounds terrible, but I had to give my husband specifics.  This is some of what we did. 

1.  the surprise kisses as detailed above. 

2.  trivial, but I like greeting cards so I asked him to get them for me for holidays.  Then I had to teach him how to address the cards because all he did was sign his name. 

3. I had to request that we kiss hello & good bye & say "I love you" when hanging up a phone or part from each other, even in the morning as we go to work.  Post 9-11, I take every opportunity to tell people I care about that I care about them.  He needed to be encouraged to participate in that but now his whole family does it too.  

4.  I practically had to drag him to any event that had dancing.  I pick my battles & settle for 1-2 slow dances but now after all these years he gets that he's obligated to dance with me.  He no longer grumbles when I drag him onto a dance floor. 

5.  Especially since covid-19, we have a romantic dinner at home at least once per week:  good china, candlelight, soft music.  Initially he thought these dates in were silly but he did it because I asked for it & really, it was no effort on his part. 

6.  He doesn't sleep much so I'd turn in every night way before him & it felt lonely.  I felt unloved & abandoned even though he was just downstairs.  The compromise was a couple of times per week he will come up with me, lay on top of the covers & snuggle me until I drift off.  I usually fall asleep fast so it's less then 1/2 hour out of his night.  If I don't drop off quickly I don't mind if he leaves.  It took us a while to come up with this one & it was thorny for a while. 

What I give him in exchange for all of that is peace.  I leave him alone more then I would like but he's an introvert so he needs that separation.   I don't bother him in his man cave.  

It's certainly not everything I wanted.  I have dated some incredibly romantic men -- carriage rides; romantic weekends; covering my car in flowers, teddy bears & sweet notes; whisking me off in a limo just because .. . . but those guys were all about the flash with limited staying power & commitment.  Still sometimes I miss the romance movie aspects of it but that is not DH.  He plans 1 romantic date per year for our anniversary & it's rarely great but I so appreciate the fact that he tries (at my insistence) 

Still the key is the specifics & for it to not be too hard or too costly.  Do you want more kisses or hugs?  give him a #  Do you want little love notes in your sock drawer?  Tell him that.  Do you want flowers? Tell him that.  Weekly is probably overkill but if you have the budget, on your birthday & anniversary should be do-able.  

When you get these little things that you want & need to feel cherished, praise him.  Reward good behavior. 

If he's unwilling to do the smallest thing to make you happy, then you may need to evaluate whether he's still invested in your relationship & what to do next.   I would absolutely say MC but if you are dead set against that, just get out because you may already be done.  That would be sad because then part of the reason the marriage failed is because you were not willing to do everything possible to save it.  If you refuse to try, you can't blame it all on him.  

 

PS:  before any man comes on here & bashes me for being a diva, I own the fact that I am incredibly high maintenance. 👠 DH is OK with that part because most of the time if I want, I just go ahead & make it happen.  I'm not expecting him to do everything.  

Edited May 18, 2020 by d0nnivain