Last ditch effort to get my ex-boyfriend back.

[TheBlingRing14]

I last saw my ex 3.5 months ago. Prior to the quarantine period, I tried to see when the next time we could see each other would be, and he was wishy washy. He had many excuses for not wanting to nail down a time. Well, shortly thereafter this quarantine stuff came up, and it became clear that we were probably not going to be able to see each other for a pretty long time.

So, I tried to bump up our texting/call game a bit. About a week and a half prior to BU-day, we had a fantastic phone call. It really felt like we were both on the same page and things would be fine. So, a week and a half later, I asked if he wanted to put a date on the books, after all this craziness ran its course. Whether it was May, June...it didn't matter to me....we could cancel if need be. My point was just knowing that there was going to be a "next time" to look forward to.

At that point, he said he didn't think we should see each other romantically anymore, and we shouldn't be physical. But, he was still up for seeing me. Now, that seems like a strange thing to me....who would want to drive hours to hang out with someone as buddies? Be that as it may, I understood it to be the BU it was, and his being up for seeing me as some lame attempt to soften the blow.

I actually took it pretty well, and didn't fight back at all. Truth be told, knowing it was going to be several weeks before I would see him again anyway, because of the virus, I kind of thought it would all blow over and we'd be back together by the time we'd have a chance to see each other anyway. So, I figured a massive blow up and freak out would do a lot more harm than good. I dove head first into work and Tinder....obviously with Tinder I wasn't going to be able to meet anyone, but it was more about just getting out there and improving my energy.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've been talking again more, slowly but surely. Nothing particularly romantic or flirtatious. We've both been taking quarantining pretty seriously, so according to him he's been pretty much at work or at home alone this whole time. I've made some travel/weekends/cabin related comments, to see if he is picking up what I am putting down. But, he hasn't really.

But eventually we will get to the point that I am going to lay it all out there, that we need to get together...even if just as friends. I had thought about taking it back to the place we spent our first weekend together. A last ditch effort to re-kindle that spark, by reminding him of the best times, if that makes any sense.

Is this a good idea? Do you think it is too obviously a ploy, grasping at straws to salvage what we once had? Or might it have the opposite effect, and make him think everything has come "full circle" and maybe he feels good putting a pin in our relationship...and I never see him again.

 

 

[Realitysux]

18 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

I last saw my ex 3.5 months ago. Prior to the quarantine period, I tried to see when the next time we could see each other would be, and he was wishy washy. He had many excuses for not wanting to nail down a time. Well, shortly thereafter this quarantine stuff came up, and it became clear that we were probably not going to be able to see each other for a pretty long time.

So, I tried to bump up our texting/call game a bit. About a week and a half prior to BU-day, we had a fantastic phone call. It really felt like we were both on the same page and things would be fine. So, a week and a half later, I asked if he wanted to put a date on the books, after all this craziness ran its course. Whether it was May, June...it didn't matter to me....we could cancel if need be. My point was just knowing that there was going to be a "next time" to look forward to.

At that point, he said he didn't think we should see each other romantically anymore, and we shouldn't be physical. But, he was still up for seeing me. Now, that seems like a strange thing to me....who would want to drive hours to hang out with someone as buddies? Be that as it may, I understood it to be the BU it was, and his being up for seeing me as some lame attempt to soften the blow.

I actually took it pretty well, and didn't fight back at all. Truth be told, knowing it was going to be several weeks before I would see him again anyway, because of the virus, I kind of thought it would all blow over and we'd be back together by the time we'd have a chance to see each other anyway. So, I figured a massive blow up and freak out would do a lot more harm than good. I dove head first into work and Tinder....obviously with Tinder I wasn't going to be able to meet anyone, but it was more about just getting out there and improving my energy.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've been talking again more, slowly but surely. Nothing particularly romantic or flirtatious. We've both been taking quarantining pretty seriously, so according to him he's been pretty much at work or at home alone this whole time. I've made some travel/weekends/cabin related comments, to see if he is picking up what I am putting down. But, he hasn't really.

But eventually we will get to the point that I am going to lay it all out there, that we need to get together...even if just as friends. I had thought about taking it back to the place we spent our first weekend together. A last ditch effort to re-kindle that spark, by reminding him of the best times, if that makes any sense.

Is this a good idea? Do you think it is too obviously a ploy, grasping at straws to salvage what we once had? Or might it have the opposite effect, and make him think everything has come "full circle" and maybe he feels good putting a pin in our relationship...and I never see him again.

 

 

Awe, I think your prolonging your own heart break. When he said you shouldn't be romantic but wanted to stay friends, it means he sees you as a friend -not as a romantic partner. You should have asked questions so you understood why. If you were to get intimate then those feelings he has would most likely resurface and you would be right back to a break up again. When romantic feelings are gone then they're gone. Another thing to think about, and it just dawned on me today, but I find it very helpful. A man and although I don't want his help, dumped me then when he thought I wasn't moving on, he told me he not only found an intimate partner but he was enjoying it. I was over him so it didn't bother me but it is good advice. The guy will end up intimate with another women and enjoying it. Do you want to put yourself through that?

Edited May 18, 2020 by Realitysux

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Is this a good idea? Do you think it is too obviously a ploy, grasping at straws to salvage what we once had? Or might it have the opposite effect, and make him think everything has come "full circle" and maybe he feels good putting a pin in our relationship...and I never see him again.

I think you risk getting even more hurt when he either, A) turns down your invitation altogether, or B) accepts, you meet, and he turns down any romantic advances in person. 

When you have to try convince someone to feel something, well, it doesn't usually have a positive outcome. It's likely not that he's not getting your hint about a weekend together; I am sure he gets it, but is avoiding it because he's already ended it and doesn't really want to meet up. 

I think you are best to let this go. A last-ditch effort doesn't work if the other person isn't into it, and unfortunately, he isn't into it. I know it hurts, no doubt. But I assume he has his reasons for wanting to end it and so I'd respect that and step back now. You need time and space for yourself to heal, too. 

Out of curiosity, how long had you been dating, and how often did you manage to see each other in person?

[d0nnivain]

I'm not going to begrudge you one last ditch in person effort to try to salvage something but I'm not optimistic about your chances of reconciliation.   At best it will be the last nail in the coffin which should hopefully spur you to acceptance & healing.  Go ahead & ask about the meeting but don't over spend to make it happen.  

[DearingFrau]

He already told you that he’s not interested. I think your last ditch effort is only going to make him pity you and he may only have agreed to see you to give you that closure, or just because he didn’t know how not to say no. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

If you really wanted a last ditch effort to work I would:

-Explain to him you understand the relationship is over but you would like to see him to get closure and talk about why things didn’t work out, and ask for his honesty. Tell him you’re a big girl and you can take it, and be strong when he gives his reasons.

-After meeting up and letting him talk, say you understand why he would feel that way and accept his feelings and appreciate his honesty. Apologize for anything that you need to apologize for and don’t drag out your reasons or justify - just say I’m really sorry, and I’m really sorry this was why we ended.

-Ask him if there was anything you could have done to save the relationship. And after he tells you, honestly think about whether or not you can or should change your behavior or whatever it is that caused him to lose the spark. If you think that is something you should or can do, tell him then and there. Tell him that if you were to try again and have a completely fresh start you could work on those issues. And ask if he would be willing to try again. And that he doesn’t need to answer right away. Let him think about it.

Part ways amicably and don’t be over emotional to show him you’re okay with whatever happens, and take this time to say thank you for the great memories and for the time that you had together in case this truly is over. This shows you are willing to now walk away and not ask for anything else from him. And maybe he’ll have a “holy crap” moment when he realizes he’ll never see you again and see the maturity in how you are now handling this.

Good luck!

 

[miranda561]

On 5/18/2020 at 2:56 AM, TheBlingRing14 said:

I last saw my ex 3.5 months ago. Prior to the quarantine period, I tried to see when the next time we could see each other would be, and he was wishy washy. He had many excuses for not wanting to nail down a time. Well, shortly thereafter this quarantine stuff came up, and it became clear that we were probably not going to be able to see each other for a pretty long time.

So, I tried to bump up our texting/call game a bit. About a week and a half prior to BU-day, we had a fantastic phone call. It really felt like we were both on the same page and things would be fine. So, a week and a half later, I asked if he wanted to put a date on the books, after all this craziness ran its course. Whether it was May, June...it didn't matter to me....we could cancel if need be. My point was just knowing that there was going to be a "next time" to look forward to.

At that point, he said he didn't think we should see each other romantically anymore, and we shouldn't be physical. But, he was still up for seeing me. Now, that seems like a strange thing to me....who would want to drive hours to hang out with someone as buddies? Be that as it may, I understood it to be the BU it was, and his being up for seeing me as some lame attempt to soften the blow.

I actually took it pretty well, and didn't fight back at all. Truth be told, knowing it was going to be several weeks before I would see him again anyway, because of the virus, I kind of thought it would all blow over and we'd be back together by the time we'd have a chance to see each other anyway. So, I figured a massive blow up and freak out would do a lot more harm than good. I dove head first into work and Tinder....obviously with Tinder I wasn't going to be able to meet anyone, but it was more about just getting out there and improving my energy.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've been talking again more, slowly but surely. Nothing particularly romantic or flirtatious. We've both been taking quarantining pretty seriously, so according to him he's been pretty much at work or at home alone this whole time. I've made some travel/weekends/cabin related comments, to see if he is picking up what I am putting down. But, he hasn't really.

But eventually we will get to the point that I am going to lay it all out there, that we need to get together...even if just as friends. I had thought about taking it back to the place we spent our first weekend together. A last ditch effort to re-kindle that spark, by reminding him of the best times, if that makes any sense.

Is this a good idea? Do you think it is too obviously a ploy, grasping at straws to salvage what we once had? Or might it have the opposite effect, and make him think everything has come "full circle" and maybe he feels good putting a pin in our relationship...and I never see him again.

 

 

I think if you take him to the place you spent your first weekend together it will be pretty obvious what  you're  trying to do.

It seems he's been brushing you off for a while pre -quarantine and again now. 

Ive agreed to meet guys who like me but i like as friends only before. He may have felt bad to outright say no. 

I think its a bad idea to meet him after he said what he said. From your end he knows you're trying to win him back. .therefore the rest is upto him.

But since he said no (in the sense of a romantic situation)..as difficult as it may be for you. I would let it go  

[Fox Sake]

You’re making someone a priority who clearly sees you as only an option, if even that. Just a friend.  
Rejection is hard to deal, no one likes to hear it and it can make us claw back and fight for the relationship. It’s human nature. You’re not alone but there’s lessons here for you to learn to improve yourself even further. 

I think what you planned is incredibly sweet of you, but it will be wasted on this guy and he said flat out he doesn’t want any romantic or physical relationship. You’re setting yourself up for major heartache and possible embarrassment. Or just a one night stand and then his distance again. 

So say you did get back together, I can almost guarantee that after the initial solid week of sex and feeling hyped, that a flood of insecurities and questions will fill your mind. Things rarely work a second time round. 

And the most important part, you’ve already started healing to some extent- You haven’t had to see him. 
 

Be strong. Respect yourself and realise your worth. If anyone ever tells you they don’t see you romantically or want anything physical with you, run with it - well away from them. It’s his loss and you have to keep reminding yourself of that. There’s so many positives you can take from this to help you grow. 
 

I know you don’t know it right now , but I promise you this will make a stronger person. A year from now you will look back on this and say “phew, that was close, and look how awesome I am now”  Heartaches help us grow. 
I always used to say to myself I couldn’t wait to get my heart broken again, because I was always so much better a person and had grown exponentially, after I got through it. That wore thin tho 🤣

Edited June 1, 2020 by Fox Sake

[stillafool]

On 5/17/2020 at 9:56 PM, TheBlingRing14 said:

last saw my ex 3.5 months ago. Prior to the quarantine period, I tried to see when the next time we could see each other would be, and he was wishy washy

The fact that it's been 3.5 months since you've seen each other and he still does not want to see you makes me think he's probably moved on to another girl. He doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt you.  He would be raring to go if for no other reason than easy sex after that long; but more than likely his needs are being met.