Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) Hello. I’m having such a hard time dealing with my emotions and my mental health is suffering over this. I need help, advice. Something. I know the easy answer is just cut it off and stop but I feel so ADDICTED to this man. So we are both married. We met through an affair website about 4 months ago. We chatted and decided to meet one night out for drinks. We ended up in a hotel room. Had sex. We have texted every single day almost non stop since then. That night we slept together was 3 months ago. He seems to give me attention (mostly sexting) but we have also shared a lot together about our lives. He gives me attention and then pulls away. He says he wants to see me and then cancels last minute. He keeps saying it wasn’t a one night stand but he won’t see me?? I feel like I’m living a rollercoaster of ups and downs. My emotions have become completely dependent on his attention to me. This feels very toxic and I can Not stop for the life of me. I’m always hanging on waiting for him, checking my phone nonstop, it’s maddening. I feel Like he’s playing a game with my head and I don’t understand It. Why does he say he wants to see me again but will never make concrete plans??? And when we do, he cancels?? What is this man doing to me? please someone give me the hard truth. I need help. I feel like I’ve gone down a path too far from coming back! He’s like a drug to me. Edited May 18, 2020 by Earthwindfire449
Zona Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 OK, I'm a BS so that is my perspective. As for what you're feeling, it's called limerence and it is common in affairs due to their exciting, secretive nature. Chances are it's nothing special about him, it's about how the affair makes you feel. He could be anyone. Is there any reason why you signed up with an affair website? Is your marriage horrible, or do you have an open marriage? In any case, since this guy is married, you will likely scare him off if you get too attached too fast. He's most likely looking for NSA sex and has no plans of ever leaving his wife or getting too serious with another woman. 3
DKT3 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 The man looking to "improve" his situation by having an affair is rare. Most often he wants a toy. One he can pull out and play with on his terms then put it back in the box until the next time. 3
heartwhole2 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 Is it possible he's worried about COVID 19? It's one (bad) thing to cheat, but it's a whole other level to expose your unwitting spouse to a potentially deadly disease. You went into this affair with your eyes wide open. What were you hoping to gain? Were you already struggling with your mental health? 1
Dora_M Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 It seems that you two want different things. He wants a casual affair to get some ego boost, without attachments and you want a full relationship. The more you cling to him, the more he is going to play the push-pull thing. Try to take your distances for a while, to calm and see things from a different perspective of what this affair offers to each one of you.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 8 hours ago, Zona said: OK, I'm a BS so that is my perspective. As for what you're feeling, it's called limerence and it is common in affairs due to their exciting, secretive nature. Chances are it's nothing special about him, it's about how the affair makes you feel. He could be anyone. Is there any reason why you signed up with an affair website? Is your marriage horrible, or do you have an open marriage? In any case, since this guy is married, you will likely scare him off if you get too attached too fast. He's most likely looking for NSA sex and has no plans of ever leaving his wife or getting too serious with another woman. So I signed up for the affair website bc I was Looking for sex with someone I have chemistry with. My husband and I have never had the right connection. We are good friends but that’s it. I was looking for passion in my life I guess.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Dora_M said: It seems that you two want different things. He wants a casual affair to get some ego boost, without attachments and you want a full relationship. The more you cling to him, the more he is going to play the push-pull thing. Try to take your distances for a while, to calm and see things from a different perspective of what this affair offers to each one of you. I also want a casual affair. Literally just want to have sex on a regular basis with him- we have discussed this many times. But it never happens. He texts me everyday, he encourages me to tell him how I’m feeling, what’s going on in my life etc. it’s very confusing.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 8 hours ago, DKT3 said: The man looking to "improve" his situation by having an affair is rare. Most often he wants a toy. One he can pull out and play with on his terms then put it back in the box until the next time. I agree. But then why does he text me everyday for 3 months and encourage me to tell him about my life, how I’m feeling etc?? And then say he wants to see me. And then cancel.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 3 hours ago, Dora_M said: It seems that you two want different things. He wants a casual affair to get some ego boost, without attachments and you want a full relationship. The more you cling to him, the more he is going to play the push-pull thing. Try to take your distances for a while, to calm and see things from a different perspective of what this affair offers to each one of you. I’m definitely going to distance myself at this point. I can’t take the push pull bulls*** anymore.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 8 hours ago, heartwhole2 said: Is it possible he's worried about COVID 19? It's one (bad) thing to cheat, but it's a whole other level to expose your unwitting spouse to a potentially deadly disease. You went into this affair with your eyes wide open. What were you hoping to gain? Were you already struggling with your mental health? I was hoping to gain a fun sex partner on a regular basis.
Realitysux Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Earthwindfire449 said: I was hoping to gain a fun sex partner on a regular basis. You are in the wrong marriage. I'm not bragging but I'm leading an example. I met this guy and he was so good looking. Too good looking. Lots of women wanted him and I had to pass. Life happens. He didn't exactly leave me alone and I was struggling so much. I was pretty much dead. I was on my death bed. I had nothing left. I was done! Mentally, this took a toll on me. I was in agony and couldn't quite catch life as it past me by. He did a lot of things that contributed then tried to make me feel bad about myself and him. So after years of this and all the pain and suffering, I had to find a way to make BIG changes. I started with a job and my job wasn't good enough for him but I was like, why are you even here? Then I decided to grab a condo and I'm actively looking. Then move. Then change my life and work on myself. Then I'm going to go find a man who floats my boat and sail away. The point of the story is, the obsession is a bar, so raise the bar and do yourself better. Edited May 18, 2020 by Realitysux I can't type
pepperbird Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Earthwindfire449 said: I agree. But then why does he text me everyday for 3 months and encourage me to tell him about my life, how I’m feeling etc?? And then say he wants to see me. And then cancel. that's an easy one. it's giving him a huge ego boost to know he's got you on a string. I expect what you feel is interest in your life is really you projecting what you want to see. You've taught him you will and won't accept, and he;s following the parameters you have set. H eknows the worse he gtreats you, the more interested you'll be. There's no big secret here. No mystery.
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Earthwindfire449 said: I was hoping to gain a fun sex partner on a regular basis. Well you chose the wrong man then. This guy had sex with you, but I guess for some reason, this "emotional affair" with sexting is all he wants with you at the moment. There may be many reasons for that, but if he was looking for a regular sex buddy he would be making it happen. He isn't, so you need to take the hint, and go look for someone else. 1
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 17 minutes ago, pepperbird said: that's an easy one. it's giving him a huge ego boost to know he's got you on a string. I expect what you feel is interest in your life is really you projecting what you want to see. You've taught him you will and won't accept, and he;s following the parameters you have set. H eknows the worse he gtreats you, the more interested you'll be. There's no big secret here. No mystery. Yep so basically I got played.
BaileyB Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Earthwindfire449 said: I was hoping to gain a fun sex partner on a regular basis. Better to divorce, then you are free to find the man of your dreams. No sleezy websites required. You get to keep your dignity and your husband is free from his unfaithful wife. Win-win in my humble opinion. 3
BaileyB Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Earthwindfire449 said: Yep so basically I got played. Of course you did. The man got what he wanted, and now for whatever reason, he’s jerking you around. What do you expect from this kind of website? Edited May 18, 2020 by BaileyB 4
notbroken Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 You met someone on an affair website. Did you expect to live happily ever after? He got the sex he wanted and is stringing you along to possibly get more in the future if he feels like it. You won't find happiness there. Do your husband a favor and divorce him. You might find excitement with someone else. However, you may find you tire of them eventually too. Can you spice up your marital bedroom? Maybe your husband is bored too and might 'come to life' if you do. I don't mean that in a bad way. It takes two to tango (and also not tango). 2
Zona Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Earthwindfire449 said: I feel so ADDICTED to this man. You say you want NSA sex with someone you have chemistry with, but then you become emotionally connected by constantly texting him about personal issues and then say you are "addicted to him". You are in a lot deeper than you admit. You may not be capable of having NSA sex. Not everyone is wired for it. For a long time it was assumed that women need an emotional attachment to want and to enjoy sex. That is a very controversial and unsettled topic at the moment. I tend to think that most women don't need it, but rather prefer it. Regardless, you have become emotionally connected with your AP and I'm sure he can sense that. Actions speak louder than words. My wife was unfaithful relatively early in our marriage, and I only found out about it years after the fact. It was completely devastating for me and I ended up with PTSD and other issues like lack of trust, mind movies, etc. Don't assume that your husband won't care when he finds out. He will likely be wiped out and feel like his life has been a lie. Complete and utter devastation is the norm. I am stating the obvious here, but honestly, you should divorce your husband since you obviously don't love or respect him, and then pursue relationships with single men as much as you want. That way your life doesn't get blown up, your husband's life doesn't get destroyed, and your kid's lives (if you have any) won't be as badly affected. Quote Yep so basically I got played. That is common for women who dip their toes into NSA sex. If the guy doesn't contact them again, or follow through on promises they feel like they have been "played" as you put it. Edited May 18, 2020 by Zona 2
BaileyB Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 6 minutes ago, Zona said: You say you want NSA sex with someone you have chemistry with, but then you become emotionally connected by constantly texting him about personal issues and then say you are "addicted to him". You may not be capable of having NSA sex. That is common for women who dip their toes into NSA sex. If the guy doesn't contact them again, or follow through on promises they feel like they have been "played" as you put it. This. ^^^ Two things jumped off the page for me. One, how “needy” you are - willing to trust a virtual stranger, becoming totally attached to him when in reality, he offered you a few texts and a one night stand... and you are left feeling “addicted” and abandoned. I’m very sorry, but an emotionally healthy person doesn’t do this... Your best call would be to a counsellor, not an affair partner. The second thing that jumped off the page to me was the absolute lack of remorse, your husband’s feelings were reduced to little more than “we never had the right connection.” If that’s true, you should not be together. What you have done here is selfish and hurtful. That’s all I will say...
Allupinnit Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 He keeps canceling because he's afraid of getting caught or the guilt eats away at him when push comes to shove. 3
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This. ^^^ Two things jumped off the page for me. One, how “needy” you are - willing to trust a virtual stranger, becoming totally attached to him when in reality, he offered you a few texts and a one night stand... and you are left feeling “addicted” and abandoned. I’m very sorry, but an emotionally healthy person doesn’t do this... Your best call would be to a counsellor, not an affair partner. The second thing that jumped off the page to me was the absolute lack of remorse, your husband’s feelings were reduced to little more than “we never had the right connection.” If that’s true, you should not be together. What you have done here is selfish and hurtful. That’s all I will say... Thank you. It’s ok, I’m totally emotionally unhealthy. I have no problem admitting that, I have Mental health issues for sure. I said that in my OP.
Author Earthwindfire449 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Posted May 18, 2020 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: This. ^^^ Two things jumped off the page for me. One, how “needy” you are - willing to trust a virtual stranger, becoming totally attached to him when in reality, he offered you a few texts and a one night stand... and you are left feeling “addicted” and abandoned. I’m very sorry, but an emotionally healthy person doesn’t do this... Your best call would be to a counsellor, not an affair partner. The second thing that jumped off the page to me was the absolute lack of remorse, your husband’s feelings were reduced to little more than “we never had the right connection.” If that’s true, you should not be together. What you have done here is selfish and hurtful. That’s all I will say... And I agree what I have done is selfish and hurtful. I’m a very sick person and I need help.
BaileyB Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Earthwindfire449 said: And I agree what I have done is selfish and hurtful. I’m a very sick person and I need help. Well, I don’t know about that. I do believe that a woman who finds herself on an adultery website looking for a relationship is in a very sad place in her life. I hope you find some support - it’s not to be found in the arms of a man, particularly not a stranger you found on the internet who is looking for some “extra” sex. Edited May 18, 2020 by BaileyB
Bittersweetie Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) I was someone who went to an adultery website in order to what I called "fill in the gaps." It was the worst choice I ever made. Like you, I wasn't looking for much but suddenly became addicted to xAP and even started to think he was my soulmate. To make a long story short, my actions did not make me feel better (except in the immediate moment). In fact, my actions hurt me, my husband, my marriage. My choices destroyed my self-esteem, my self-respect, my personal integrity. You are at a place right now where you can make a different choice. Stop with the MM and ditch the website. Take a look at the issues in your life and start working on them in a healthy and authentic manner. Will it be easy? Hell no. It wasn't easy for me, it was the hardest path I've ever walked on. But I am in a much better place now than I ever was in the affair or on that stupid website. Yes, AP can be addicting...I can see now I was addicted to the highs my xAP gave me. But there are healthier and less hurtful ways of dealing with problems and issues in life. Please choose better for your family, for yourself. You can do it. Good luck. Edited May 18, 2020 by Bittersweetie 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Posted May 18, 2020 The hard truth is that this guy is biologically (and literally) pulling your chain. There is research showing that intermittent and unpredictable rewarding is far more addictive than consistent rewarding. Social media and "likes" are built on this principle, and the creators of social media absolutely are aware of this addictive principal. You had a great time ... and then he's inconsistent ... so when he does reach out to you, you jump for joy, you experience a massive shot of dopamine. Now, he may not be doing this deliberately ... he may simply be conflicted and tortured about the affair. This cannot end well for you. Get out ... it will be painful, but end this ... the ending pain will be a lot less than continuing on in this obsessed state you're in. Don't be hard on yourself, btw. Nothing's wrong with you except that you dopamine anticipation system got activated.
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