I Hate That I Still Remember Her Telephone Number

[helloladies21]

I'm a 42 year old man. I was married. I have no kids. I've had a lot of experience in my life, but I still feel young. It's a cool place for me to be in my life. I have my own nice house, two cars, all the material things I could ever want. They don't really mean anything to me. I'm fully over my ex-wife, who I divorced a few years ago. This thread isn't about her.

I've dated a lot in my life. Most of it has happened since I got divorced. I had a several months of wild times at the end of 2017 until I met someone who gave me something the rest of them didn't. She was exciting, intelligent, very pretty, intense, professional, wild. She didn't hold back emotionally. It felt like we were on the same page. We essentially steamrolled into a relationship very quickly. We dated for a couple of months until she suddenly became distant. We broke up shortly afterward and I moved on. A few months later, she came back and pursued me hard. We got back together for a few weeks until the same thing happened. We split up again. I'm humble, but I don't take any of the blame for either break up. I started to put some clues together and my best guess is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I tried to rekindle things a couple of times, but my texts and a final letter were ignored until I discovered that she had a new boyfriend. I haven't reached out to her since. I don't plan to. This was a year and a half ago.

I've done everything I know how to do since then. I dated like a madman immediately afterward. I wasn't going to waste any more of my life on someone who wasn't meant for me. There were some close calls, but not what I was looking for. I took time off from dating for a few months and concentrated on work. I dipped my toes back in the dating world for a few months and still couldn't find someone who stands out form the rest. I've basically taken the past 6 months off from dating since I've been so overwhelmed with my business. Things are just calming down.

I can't seem to shake the memory of this girl. She wasn't the most beautiful I've ever dated. It takes more than that for me, anyway. Finding a pretty girl isn't that difficult for me. It's a personality type that I'm looking for as well. It's rare and she had it. It's completely unrealistic that we will ever speak again. I'm a distant memory to her. And all of this happening with her assuming that I moved on so long ago. I know I have to move on from her, but I feel distracted by her memory. What's the solution? Especially now that dating has essentially ceased for the foreseeable future. It feels like I'm wasting my time thinking about a ghost.

[Realitysux]

16 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I'm a 42 year old man. I was married. I have no kids. I've had a lot of experience in my life, but I still feel young. It's a cool place for me to be in my life. I have my own nice house, two cars, all the material things I could ever want. They don't really mean anything to me. I'm fully over my ex-wife, who I divorced a few years ago. This thread isn't about her.

I've dated a lot in my life. Most of it has happened since I got divorced. I had a several months of wild times at the end of 2017 until I met someone who gave me something the rest of them didn't. She was exciting, intelligent, very pretty, intense, professional, wild. She didn't hold back emotionally. It felt like we were on the same page. We essentially steamrolled into a relationship very quickly. We dated for a couple of months until she suddenly became distant. We broke up shortly afterward and I moved on. A few months later, she came back and pursued me hard. We got back together for a few weeks until the same thing happened. We split up again. I'm humble, but I don't take any of the blame for either break up. I started to put some clues together and my best guess is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I tried to rekindle things a couple of times, but my texts and a final letter were ignored until I discovered that she had a new boyfriend. I haven't reached out to her since. I don't plan to. This was a year and a half ago.

I've done everything I know how to do since then. I dated like a madman immediately afterward. I wasn't going to waste any more of my life on someone who wasn't meant for me. There were some close calls, but not what I was looking for. I took time off from dating for a few months and concentrated on work. I dipped my toes back in the dating world for a few months and still couldn't find someone who stands out form the rest. I've basically taken the past 6 months off from dating since I've been so overwhelmed with my business. Things are just calming down.

I can't seem to shake the memory of this girl. She wasn't the most beautiful I've ever dated. It takes more than that for me, anyway. Finding a pretty girl isn't that difficult for me. It's a personality type that I'm looking for as well. It's rare and she had it. It's completely unrealistic that we will ever speak again. I'm a distant memory to her. And all of this happening with her assuming that I moved on so long ago. I know I have to move on from her, but I feel distracted by her memory. What's the solution? Especially now that dating has essentially ceased for the foreseeable future. It feels like I'm wasting my time thinking about a ghost.

I can't answer that but I can tell you that I am beginning my dating break for six months to focus on my life and I'm very inspired by your post. I plan to do a lot of that myself

[helloladies21]

Thank you. I hope I can inspire you, but I'm not sure what I did was the right thing.  My work took over my life for a few periods, but it wasn't exactly a choice. These scenarios where forced on me by chance. Maybe if I stayed in the dating game, I would already have what I've been looking for and this thread would no longer exist. I think people too often go into a bubble and isolate themselves from putting themselves out there again and this makes the problem worse. Good partners are hard to find. It takes time. You only have so much of it.

I'm professionally successful now. I'll most likely never have to worry about money again. But I would give it all up to be happy with her or someone like her.

[Realitysux]

14 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Thank you. I hope I can inspire you, but I'm not sure what I did was the right thing.  My work took over my life for a few periods, but it wasn't exactly a choice. These scenarios where forced on me by chance. Maybe if I stayed in the dating game, I would already have what I've been looking for and this thread would no longer exist. I think people too often go into a bubble and isolate themselves from putting themselves out there again and this makes the problem worse. Good partners are hard to find. It takes time. You only have so much of it.

I'm professionally successful now. I'll most likely never have to worry about money again. But I would give it all up to be happy with her or someone like her..

That's a hard situation. Life happens! There are a million different directions you can chose but you can only chose one. Maybe you did chose dating and you didn't find yourself in the good place you are in now. Maybe you stayed with that women and after a few years, it fizzled out. You had her and it didn't work out so what makes you think it will now. You have grass is greener syndrome and a fantasy .. the key to more is gratitude. If you continue to be thankful for what you do have, the universe will provide more. You are only 42, I'm 37 and I would date a 42 year old. Go find someone in their 30's and try again. 

Edited May 18, 2020 by Realitysux

[helloladies21]

I don't believe it would work now. What's changed? She's still the same. Maybe if she got therapy, which can apparently work, but what are the odds of that happening? Only a fool could hope for that.

I would love to find someone else. I think that's the ultimate solution. But my options are limited for a little bit during this pandemic. I think I know what I have to do, but this thread only exists because I'm frustrated with my inability to get back out there.

[Realitysux]

7 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I don't believe it would work now. What's changed? She's still the same. Maybe if she got therapy, which can apparently work, but what are the odds of that happening? Only a fool could hope for that.

I would love to find someone else. I think that's the ultimate solution. But my options are limited for a little bit during this pandemic. I think I know what I have to do, but this thread only exists because I'm frustrated with my inability to get back out there.

What you are feeling now isn't abnormal or unusual for any part of your life. I think everyone is ultimately searching for the same thing. Sadly, not everyone finds that. It's become an entitlement. You are entitled to a passionate romantic relationship. Sometimes you have to accept what the universe gives you and make nice with the universe.

[helloladies21]

It depends what you mean by being entitled. I don't believe the perfect woman is going to show up at my front door randomly one day without me even doing anything. But I do believe that if I put in the work, I'll find what I'm looking for. I will always believe that. I recommend everyone else reading this thread to do the same.

[LuckyM]

I. Think she will be in your mind for long time and that seems normal. It could be worse. I still remember phone numbers of former friends from a very long time ago and like to forget them but can't. I don't even like them. If you call someone important to you enough times the number stays in the head regardless.

Try your best to find a GF before it feels too late.  

 

[The Outlaw]

The people we've dated, (or haven't) been close to or had feelings for whether known or not that are special to us will remain in our memories for a very long time. I'm no exception to the rule. I've been there. There have been a few and I don't see that as changing. But I feel that if you throw caution to the wind and keep trying, good things will happen to you. 

[K.K.]

On 5/17/2020 at 10:27 PM, helloladies21 said:

I started to put some clues together and my best guess is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I tried to rekindle things a couple of times

Oh yea ... you gotta stay away from those. They can twist your mind and balls into a frenzied whirling tornado of delicious pain and all you can do is ... helplessly beg for more. Be strong. 😉 
 

 

[preraph]

You just have to accept that there is something about her you don't know that makes you not a match. She knows you're not  at match, so you're not a match. 

 

it could be something mental or it could be she's got someone she's been hung up on for years even though it never materializes or it could just be that she knows something you don't about your compatibility. It's hard to move on with everything sort of left hanging, but that seems to happen more often than not, so you just have to learn when to pull the plug and Let It go. Good luck.

[Bella2]

You seem to be dealing with it very rationally and in a healthy manner. 

And I understand where you are coming from. I have had multple relationships, and there's always this one ex that stands out and stays with you. The last thing you should do is compare others to that person, but that is easier said than done. But, from experience, I know one will move on, if you work on it...

Just yesterday I cut it of with someone after a 2 year "semi-relationship" sort of thing. Me always hoping for more, but not getting it. I know I will be comparing every guy to him, for now that is... Untill I meet a new special person one day (I hope).

Don't idealise someone (I'm also talking to myself here)...

Edited May 21, 2020 by Bella2

[helloladies21]

On 5/19/2020 at 11:40 AM, LuckyM said:

I. Think she will be in your mind for long time and that seems normal. It could be worse. I still remember phone numbers of former friends from a very long time ago and like to forget them but can't. I don't even like them. If you call someone important to you enough times the number stays in the head regardless.

Try your best to find a GF before it feels too late.  

 

I definitely plan on it, but this COVID nonsense makes it difficult. Can't go on dates or even meet people to get to know. Bad timing for it to happen. 

I've had my fill of online dating and feel like my best chance at finding someone will be in the real world.

You're 100% right on everything, though.

[helloladies21]

On 5/20/2020 at 5:34 PM, The Outlaw said:

The people we've dated, (or haven't) been close to or had feelings for whether known or not that are special to us will remain in our memories for a very long time. I'm no exception to the rule. I've been there. There have been a few and I don't see that as changing. But I feel that if you throw caution to the wind and keep trying, good things will happen to you. 

I appreciate the belief and your encouragement. I feel that way as well. I'm not some Pollyanna, who sees nothing but rainbows and sunshine, but I do feel like I'll eventually find what I'm looking for. I just have to keep putting myself out there.

Edited May 30, 2020 by helloladies21

[helloladies21]

On 5/20/2020 at 5:46 PM, K.K. said:

Oh yea ... you gotta stay away from those. They can twist your mind and balls into a frenzied whirling tornado of delicious pain and all you can do is ... helplessly beg for more. Be strong. 😉 
 

 

Ha ain't that the truth! This was my first experience with it. I'm not much of a drinker, never smoke a cigarette or tried a drug in my life, but I think I understand what addiction feels like. If I am to be honest with myself, the feeling I got from her was quite intoxicating and I would find it difficult to say no to her if, beyond all possibility, she showed up at my front door today. She's not good for me, but I want the feeling she gave me so bad!

[helloladies21]

On 5/20/2020 at 5:52 PM, preraph said:

You just have to accept that there is something about her you don't know that makes you not a match. She knows you're not  at match, so you're not a match. 

 

it could be something mental or it could be she's got someone she's been hung up on for years even though it never materializes or it could just be that she knows something you don't about your compatibility. It's hard to move on with everything sort of left hanging, but that seems to happen more often than not, so you just have to learn when to pull the plug and Let It go. Good luck.

This is what I struggle to do. I wish there was a switch I could flip and be past her. Mentally, I know she can't be the one for me. If she were, we'd be together. Logic will not solve what ails me, because I've already come to the logical conclusion that she's not for me. My issue goes beyond that. It's longing for a feeling that was last provided by her. If some one else provided it, I would certainly forget about her in an instant.

[preraph]

And that is the hope that is worth holding onto.

[helloladies21]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:27 AM, Bella2 said:

You seem to be dealing with it very rationally and in a healthy manner. 

And I understand where you are coming from. I have had multple relationships, and there's always this one ex that stands out and stays with you. The last thing you should do is compare others to that person, but that is easier said than done. But, from experience, I know one will move on, if you work on it...

Just yesterday I cut it of with someone after a 2 year "semi-relationship" sort of thing. Me always hoping for more, but not getting it. I know I will be comparing every guy to him, for now that is... Untill I meet a new special person one day (I hope).

Don't idealise someone (I'm also talking to myself here)...

I appreciate that. I'm doing everything I would recommend someone else to do. It just feels like there's one last step until I kick her memory for good, but it's not happening. I just keep going on all these dates, or was going on all these dates , and these girls just don't have what I'm looking for. I've dated enough that I can tell shortly afterward.

I would say to myself that I should not waste my time on girls that I don't see long term potential with. On one hand, it's good for me to stay in practice so I don't get rusty in talking to girls, but I should keep that to a minimum. I only have so any hours in a day.

[Gr8fuln2020]

23 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

This is what I struggle to do. I wish there was a switch I could flip and be past her. Mentally, I know she can't be the one for me. If she were, we'd be together. Logic will not solve what ails me, because I've already come to the logical conclusion that she's not for me. My issue goes beyond that. It's longing for a feeling that was last provided by her. If some one else provided it, I would certainly forget about her in an instant.

During this all too real and significant time of COVID, your separation from relationships has kept your mind fixed on that last good thing you had. You miss having or being in a relationship. As you are aware that this woman is not for you, you are right. Until someone else comes along to fill that emptiness, your longing, she will remain on your mind. 

Allow me to caution, do not allow the memories of this woman to be the uncompromising standard for everyone else you meet. Everyone has their own gifts to share and if you compare them all to his woman, you may find happiness unbearably and unnecessarily elusive. 

Good luck. It sounds like you have your crap together. Too many don't. You will get past this...

Edited May 30, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Allow me to caution, do not allow the memories of this woman to be the uncompromising standard for everyone else you meet. Everyone has their own gifts to share and if you compare them all to his woman, you may find happiness unbearably and unnecessarily elusive. 

This is definitely something I have my eye on. But on the other hand, I can't lie to myself. I'm 42 and have a lot of dating experience. I know what I'm looking for. She didn't have all of it, but she had a lot of it.

[The Outlaw]

49 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I appreciate the belief and your encouragement. I feel that way as well. I'm not some Pollyanna, who sees nothing but rainbows and sunshine, but I do feel like I'll eventually find what I'm looking for. I just have to keep putting myself out there.

Well, I wish you the best luck.