Should I trust my boyfriend?

[intdibc]

Hi All,

So backstory, me and my boyfriend have now been together since Jan 2020, we are definitely serious now. He was with his ex gf for 6 years, they broke up last year in June, he broke up with her. She's definitely still in love with him. 

She's been in the background of our relationship since I've started seeing him, and now it's just plain annoying now. So basically, I was round my bf's house yesterday, we had such a good day together and then long and behold he was showing me something on his phone and his ex just sent him a text, and I said your ex just sent you a text. He clicked on it in front of me and she sent him a video of him from her instagram story archive of what he was doing on that day last year, and I said so she's literally always texting you, and he showed me the texts she texted him 2 days ago, telling him the cat they shared had to be put down, so he replied to her cos he knew she would of been upset and he also loved that cat (fair enough). But she texted him a couple a weeks back, which he told me about and i told him it annoys me that he replies, and he agreed and promised he wouldn't respond to her anymore. Ok, so fine I get why he replied two days ago, but the messages he showed me they literally exchanged about 10 messages, and she then she asked him if he's still seeing that girl (me), and he responded i'm not going to speak about her to you and ended the convo, she replied saying ok lol.

I told him it annoys me that he responds to her, and he said the only reason he replied was because of the cat otherwise he wouldn't. Anyway so she sent him that video and I said you need to tell her you have a girlfriend now and she needs to stop texting you, and he said to me I can't tell her that, it will break her heart and her cat just died. He basically said she will commit suicide, if she knows he's got a serious girlfriend now. He saw I was clearly annoyed and upset and he said fine, tell me what to write, I'll tell her. So I drafted the text on his phone to her saying this "Hi (nickname), I mean this in the nicest way, you need to stop texting me, it's affecting my new relationship, and you need to move on, so please stop texting me." She responded immediately saying I have moved on, and then blocked him straight away.

I was still annoyed with him the whole evening, cos he responded to her in the past, (it bugs me), i said to him, i don't think you're over her, and he said I definitely am, if you asked me that 4 months ago, I probably would of said I'm not, but I am over her now, I'm in love with you and he kept saying do you not trust me, do you not trust me, don't be like that, we had such a good day together, don't let her ruin it. Anyway it put me in a foul mood, and I said just drop me home, so he did. In the car ride home,  he's like if there's anything you want to ask me, just ask me now. So I said who else are you talking to, and he said no one only you, but girls do text me, and then proceeded to tell me the girls who have texted him, all the girls he basically dated before me, have been popping up during corona, and he told me all their names (I noticed the names from the girls he follows on Instagram) but he kept saying, I'm with you now, so I don't speak to any of them anymore. Again, I appreciate how honest he is.

I don't know why, but I get he dated a lot of girls after breaking up with his ex, but he chose me as the girl he wants a relationship with, but I just feel like I can't trust him, what do you all think? Something in me says he'll run back to his ex, even though he broke up with her. (I should also add he cheated on his ex multiple times, which he admitted to me and she doesn't even know it herself) Also, did I come across controlling saying I don't want him texting her?

Edited May 18, 2020 by intdibc

[d0nnivain]

I think you can trust him in the sense that he's an open guy trying to do the right thing. 

That said, I think there is real danger that he is not over her.  The fact that they are so connected & he has no boundaries around her makes it risky to give him your heart.  He shouldn't even know her cat died; they should be disconnected.  She shouldn't be still so attached to him that she's in danger of suicide if he stops talking to her.  

[rjc149]

12 minutes ago, intdibc said:

I should also add he cheated on his ex multiple times, which he admitted to me and she doesn't even know it herself

Do you think you should trust him? Are you 100% sure he hasn't already cheated on you? 

If you last anywhere near as long as his ex of 6 years, he'll cheat on you. There is 0% chance he won't. When that day comes, are you going to make a fool of yourself by trying to control and police him even more, drafting more text messages to his various exes telling them to stay away etc., or are you going have braced yourself for the inevitable, so you can walk away easily? 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

If you last anywhere near as long as his ex of 6 years, he'll cheat on you. There is 0% chance he won't. 

What do you base that on?  This guy didn't cheat on his last GF.  He broke up with her but has not fully separated.  Why do you assume that someone you don't know will be unfaithful?  I've been married for almost 12 years together with DH for 14. . . no cheating.  I was in my last LTR for 11 years, no cheating. Fidelity is not only  a function of time. 

[rjc149]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What do you base that on?  This guy didn't cheat on his last GF.  He broke up with her but has not fully separated.  Why do you assume that someone you don't know will be unfaithful?  I've been married for almost 12 years together with DH for 14. . . no cheating.  I was in my last LTR for 11 years, no cheating. Fidelity is not only  a function of time. 

Read the OP's last paragraph. 

Edited May 18, 2020 by rjc149

[Atwood]

I can understand why you've got some alarm bells ringing. Knowing he's cheated before and been able to live with the guilt without confessing to her is a red flag to me. 

However, he's also been pretty open with you and it's good that he was willing to open the texts/reply in front of you. I would like to think I could trust my partner to cut off his exes without my help though. It's a pretty tricky situation. On the one hand, you want to give people the benefit of the doubt and some trust until they've done something to break it, but you've got to trust your judgement above all else. Don't ignore things that make you feel unsure. 

It's important to remember;

Don't mind read. If you don't know what he's thinking, don't guess at it. If you have no reason to think something (i.e evidence from his words or actions) then don't assume!

Don't ignore signs. I know you love him, but if something is not right, pursue the issue calmly and fairly.

Set boundaries early. You're only a few months in and he seems unclear about what level of texting exes is acceptable (preferably 0 unless reasonably unavoidable). Discuss what you're comfortable with now so that if he breaks the boundaries in the future, he can't say he didn't know. 

 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Read the OP's last paragraph. 

You're right.  I missed that. 

A serial cheater is not trustworthy!

[intdibc]

33 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Do you think you should trust him? Are you 100% sure he hasn't already cheated on you? 

If you last anywhere near as long as his ex of 6 years, he'll cheat on you. There is 0% chance he won't. When that day comes, are you going to make a fool of yourself by trying to control and police him even more, drafting more text messages to his various exes telling them to stay away etc., or are you going have braced yourself for the inevitable, so you can walk away easily? 

This is the thing, he said to me, i facetime you everyday before bed, how can i be cheating on you, which is true, we always face multiple times a day when not at work (so I trust him in that sense), it's just a paranoia thing. I also know the reason behind why he cheated on his ex, he told me, they never had intercourse due to a condition she had, but they did other things, so I believe that was his reason behind it.

[rjc149]

36 minutes ago, intdibc said:

This is the thing, he said to me, i facetime you everyday before bed, how can i be cheating on you, which is true, we always face multiple times a day when not at work (so I trust him in that sense), it's just a paranoia thing. I also know the reason behind why he cheated on his ex, he told me, they never had intercourse due to a condition she had, but they did other things, so I believe that was his reason behind it.

In sales, when you're dealing with someone who says "trust me" -- don't trust him. He has no track record or credibility, because that speaks for itself. 

So here's a guy who remained in a sexless relationship for SIX YEARS because of some "condition" his girlfriend had (bullsh-t) -- and instead of doing the difficult thing and ending it respectfully to find a relationship that would meet his needs, it was easier for him to betray her trust and lie to her and get away with it. What does that say about his integrity and strength of character? What does that say about his track record and credibility?

Or do you want take him at his word "if I Facetime you every evening, then it is not possible for me to cheat on you." He's just another grinning salesman saying "trust me." 

Guard your heart OP, and make sure you don't tolerate any disrespect from him. Be ready to walk. 

And look -- I'm not saying people can't change and that your boyfriend is beyond redemption. I'm simply advising you to not be shocked when his relationship with you is not his redemption. 

Edited May 18, 2020 by rjc149

[elaine567]

Be very careful of "honesty".
Guys who are dishonest like to use "honesty" to hide dishonesty.
I think the getting you to write to the gf was a trick
Nothing to stop him unblocking her and communicating with her on a different platform... 
He cheated a lot in the past, he will know a lot of tricks.
Agree with rjc, that story he told you to justify his cheating was BS.
... then there is his harem of exes...
Guys, a study showed mostly keep in contact with exes primarily for access to sex.
Listen to your gut...

[contel3]

There are two things bothering me. He wasn't over his ex when you met, he pretty much admitted that. 

The other thing: He has been lying to his ex about being faithful for 6 years and has been leading her on enough that she might "commit suicide" if he tells her he has a serious girlfriend…..I don't really buy they never had sex. The only thing this excuse tells me is he really hasn't learned anything and is likely to repeat it as soon as he's unhappy with you. 

[Malin889]

3 hours ago, Atwood said:

 

It's nice that he's "open" (whatever that means) and telling you that he cheated on her... but why? Why tell you that? To assuage his guilt? His excuse that he cheated on her because they weren't having sex (I don't buy that for a second) is him trying to make himself feel better. And as for him not being over her, I don't think you need to worry about that.  Was he ever "into" her if he was cheating on her? I don't think so. If you cheat on someone, you aren't in love with them. So whatever this thing was/is between them... I have no idea... but it isn't love. What you need to do is excuse yourself from the relationship and find someone who isn't still attached to the ex that he cheated on. Also, him "hearing" from all of his exes during this pandemic time - what does he do to his exes that he's so charming that they can't let go?! Sounds like a sociopath to me. I don't like it. 

 

[usa1ah]

OP take what people say here and use what you can. 
 

Not every guy is cheating like some of them are saying. 
 

The good thing that that will not tell you is this. He opened the text from his ex in front of you. If there was anything going on, he would never have done that because of what might have been in the text. 
 

Second thing is this. He sent the text to stop her from texting him. 
 

Last thing for now. If you keep this up about not trusting him, he will break up with you. I would never stay in a new relationship being accused of cheating. 

[IslandSanctuary]

I don't put up with exes in the picture. Not many people do.  I discuss this early and if they don't like it I end things because I have SELF RESPECT. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like he enjoys the attention.  Believe it or not, there are people who deliberately create, or allow, situations that they know will cause insecurity and jealousy in their partner, and he sounds like one of them.  I wouldn't trust him because he's playing a head game with you, seeing how much you'll take before you explode in a jealous fit. The business of him getting you to write the text telling the ex to disappear - don't be surprised if at some stage he rewrites that episode to make you the villain who demanded to write the text. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't understand what loyalty is.  

[smackie9]

OK here's the deal...if he can't let her go by blocking/deleting her, and has no respect for you, by still receiving messages from her...she's not the one with the problem, he does. This is rife with disrespect for your relationship. Have some boundaries and don't date guys that are in contact with an ex or girls that are still pining for him.

Edited May 19, 2020 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/18/2020 at 7:56 PM, intdibc said:

I also know the reason behind why he cheated on his ex, he told me, they never had intercourse due to a condition she had, but they did other things, so I believe that was his reason behind it.

Do you feel this was a justifiable reason, rather than breaking up with her?

I would be more concerned about his serial cheating than anything else here, to be honest with you. 

[kendahke]

On 5/18/2020 at 1:56 PM, intdibc said:

i facetime you everyday before bed, how can i be cheating on you,

you hang up the call when you're done talking, don't you? There's stretches of time where you're not facetiming, right?

A cheater finds a way to cheat--that's their nature... that's his admitted nature.