Rosieroo17 Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 hi all I posted a while back in the marriage forum about my husnand and my best friends texting. So a few months on whilst that issue was put to bed things have got worse with me and my husband. We have had issues and he is a difficult man. Although for all the difficulties we did have a loving close relationship. I tried very hard to deal with his moods , and whilst I am not perfect , I've stayed with him and been patient and put up with alot from him. I truly had hope and believed he loved me. It did get better for a good while then lockdown happened. I know its put a strain on alot of marriages. How we were stuck indoors for about 4 weeks and then he went back to work and I am at home all the time with the kids. I noticed he was getting more moody and struggling with our 4 year old who is couped up at home and getting hyper. A couple of times he said he was struggling with lockdown which i understood. I didn't react and stayed patient. But it was hard as I'm in this too and it is not nice for any of us. Any way one day he got in a mood and said he didnt know what he wanted , as in being with me. It was upsetting , but the mext day he came to me and hugged me and said he didnt mean that and loved me and again he said he found lockdown hard. However over the next week or so we were a bit distant , in truth I was hurt by his comment and fed up with his moods and wanted to try and get through this lockdown as best I can. He kept being a bit snappy and one evening I asked him what was wrong, I was wondering if he was depressed and wanted to help. He started getting stressed and then said again he didn't know what he wanted. He started saying it was not working. The next morning I asked him did he want to split up and he said yes. When I've asked for a reason he has just said , we are not good for each other. He has now just completely shut of from me and its like he hates me. I tried to talk to him about what to do and he said there was no rush to move out. He said he still loved and cares for me. Yet he still keeps getting angry and stuff. Im actually unsure of what the hell has just happened. Yes he is difficult and yes we have had a year but he has alwys still be loving and affectionate and we did have a bond. This is painful as hell for someone to just turn around and say he didn't want to be with me. And he now won't talk about it or anything. And he keeps getting angry still as i said. I feel like I've just been left in this limbo of not really knowing what is happening. I have to take it he means it. He is not going anywhere The house we rent is connected to the place he works so he has to be here and tbh he has no where to go. It really awful living here. There was an incident tonight where I went for a walk after the kids where in bed and I got a call from him abruptly telling me to come home as our 1 year old had woken and was crying. I came home to my husbamd angry and he stormed off There is part of me thinking he is suffering from stress and suddenly cannot handle all the lockdown and something has built up in him and he is running. However how he is being is hurtful and ive put up with alot from him. He has told me a couple of times now he doesn't want to be with me. As i said i feel I've just been left with this and he won't discuss it any further. Its really heartbreaking . So i have made the decision i am going to leave. It is not what i would truly want and I would work through things but I can't see him doing that and I may have to accept he reallt wants things over I've looked into my options and I could be able to rent , i have two boys to take with me and my heart breaks, my 4 year old is already having bad behaviour as he must pick up on the stress from both of us. Im thinking about the boys and think it maybe the best thing to do. A couple of friends have said to me to really see that there is alot of issues here and maybe my husband is not right for me as sometimes its like walking on eggshells with him, he is not violent to me in anyway but has bad moods alot. I'm a mix of emotions of hurt and loss of a man I do love despite his issues and angry and mad at what he has done to me and to just do this and switch off is painful. How do you get through this especially with small children, my 1 year may be ok but my 4 year old will struggle. How do i protect him. This is not some rash decision but the bad has started to outlay the good now . This is so painful Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 I'm so sorry you're back here and what you are now going through. Somehow I smell a rat. Do you have any concrete proof that your husband and your friend are no longer in contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosieroo17 Posted May 18, 2020 Author Share Posted May 18, 2020 I don't have anything to prove it no. My instincts tell me there is no cheating however I do know rhere is always a chance and if it is anything I maybe he feels attraction to her and not the other way. Does not mean her actions are right though. Sadly even without the text business we still have issues. My husband has alot of anger and as i said gets in the moods alot. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 He displays extreme mood changes and blurts out something hurtful, then takes it back. I think he's racked with guilt and what you are witnessing is the war he's fighting with his better angels. You aren't getting angry and that makes him even angrier as the guilt piles up. It's time to quit taking what he's handing out. Find a good lawyer and work for the best deal you can get for yourself and the kids. Save your love for someone more worthy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 (edited) Yeah, it's time to leave ... Just a note ... there is a lot of misunderstanding of this topic ... and note ... I support your decision to leave. Your 1-year-old IS as vulnerable as your 4-year-old. Much of the stress of life is pre-verbal, non-verbal, body language and so on. There is a reason people talk in gentle soothing tones to babies ... because babies are enormously sensitive to the way people talk. No one thinks yelling and screaming at a 1-year-old is fine. Doesn't matter if they can't intellectualize what's going on. Babies can't intellectualize being talked to in soothing tones either! The bottom line here is that your husband's moods right now are NOT good for your 1-year-old and your 4-year-old or for you. And ... the coldness between your husband and you isn't good for any of you. I think it's smart to move out... Hubby is being passive-aggressive and mean. He refuses to articulate what he's doing and feeling ... which makes the relationship doubly-impossible for you. It's impossible on the level of his distance ... and it's impossible because he won't even articulate his feelings and therefore destroys any constructive discussion. His apologies don't mean much. That call to you when the baby was upset ... that's very revealing and alarming. He couldn't calm the baby, his son, himself? That's nuts and that kind of parenting will hurt your 1-year because this coldness is experienced via the nervous system--a baby doesn't need intellect to feel neglect and emotional abandonment. There's a chance this guy will disengage from the kids when you leave ... just know that ... hopefully that won't be the case. Edited May 18, 2020 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Rosieroo17 said: I don't have anything to prove it no. My instincts tell me there is no cheating however I do know rhere is always a chance and if it is anything I maybe he feels attraction to her and not the other way. Does not mean her actions are right though. Sadly even without the text business we still have issues. My husband has alot of anger and as i said gets in the moods alot. Has he always had anger issues or did this just start after the texting and the virus lock down? One of the tell tales signs of a cheating is uncalled for anger, blame and criticism of the betrayed spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosieroo17 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Share Posted May 19, 2020 5 hours ago, stillafool said: Has he always had anger issues or did this just start after the texting and the virus lock down? One of the tell tales signs of a cheating is uncalled for anger, blame and criticism of the betrayed spouse. He has always had anger issues. I tbink ive been letting my heart rule my head in alot of this and putting up with things I shouldn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 Yeah, I'm thinking this cannot be totally new behavior. You let things slide, which is not to say that you could have changed his behavior. But when we let things slide, we actually put ourselves in a bad position. We end up suppressing and stifling clear thinking. And one clear line of thinking you need in a marriage is: is this other person really good for me? Is this person treating me well? Sometimes we put off those questions and the other person changes their behavior. Other times, we just lock ourselves into a corner ... and then we reach a point where we "cant take it anymore." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosieroo17 Posted July 2, 2020 Author Share Posted July 2, 2020 Hi All We the time has come and this weekend i leave my husband, Well i have been staying in my friends flat the last two weeks but the flat i am going to rent is ready this weekend. The sadness and the pain is unbearable. I loved him alot and i know he did love me , however he did not treat me so well especially in the last year. There is good in him and i know if he sought help we could of worked through things but he refuses to seek help at this time. He does not want me to go and the pull to go back is very strong but i know if i do nothing will change and it will be the same. He did say sorry for his behaviour however does not explain why he is doing these things , he basically has anger issues and moods and when angry can say nasty things. Maybe in time he will realise what he has lost and seek help , i do believe he loves me, but at this time it looks unlikely. I put up with alot and though i know im not perfect , this was not and 'it takes two' situation. He has hurt me alot and i know i didnt deserve to be treated so badly. I am scared and my heart is so broken as the end of my marriage. How do i get through it? Will i ever feel over him and ok again? I will have to see him every day as I drop the kids off to him each morning as he will take them to school and I also work with him , however we barely see each other these days at work as he is in another side of the building. It hurts alot :( Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 I'm very sorry for the pain you experiencing. When I look at the facts as you presented them, I don't see where you had another choice. From now on the focus should be on yourself and the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 I'm sorry it came to this for you. If you find yourself struggling too much try to seek independent counseling to get you through. You did the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 No ones deserves to be treated like crap. You did the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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