JB4 Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 Hello! I had an odd experience with a coworker/friend, and would love some insight. I have worked at this job for 5 months. One of my male coworkers befriended me immediately, or maybe more than befriended. I kid you not, in our very first conversation he found some way to bring up the fact that he wasn't married. The second day we worked together he mentioned that he should show me around the town he lives, which I deflected as it caught me off guard. For a couple weeks, he would refer to me as "bro" but would try to be somewhat touchy at work (seemingly platonic). In our work conversations, he still made it quite obvious that he was not in a relationship and seemed to be trying to figure out if I had an S/O or lived with anyone. He has also told me that he and his ex moved in together after one month of dating and has jokingly asked if I need a roommate. He added me on social media. At that point, he asked me to come over and drink with him, which I also deflected, especially as he didn't ask until 8pm. I said maybe we should go to a park together some time, instead. He wanted to drive and phrased the question on where to meet as "my place or yours? haha." After I suggested that we drive there separately, he ended up cancelling plans, blaming it on his "flakiness." Every so often, he would text me at night, starting with a "you up" and usually ended up with him asking me if I drink or him telling me that he is watching Netflix. He then asked me if we would be able to drive to a park together soon. It felt odd that he was insisting we drive together, but for some reason I considered him a friend at this point, so didn't exactly turn it down. FYI, I have not actually spent any time with him outside of work at this point. Another odd thing is that he has asked me the same questions multiple times (usually if I am married), and then says he can't remember because he "talks to so many people." With work stuff, he's great. Helps me with various things and is always there when I have questions. Everyone else seems to really like him and I know that he is friends with some coworkers outside of work. We've chatted about random things over text, but he never seems that interested in anything about me personally such as my hobbies or interests. Last week, I sent him an encouraging text because he was having a difficult day at work. The next day, he sends me some quote over social media about how true friends reveal themselves in difficult times. It was odd, but I didn't think too much of it. I've only known him for a few months. This past Friday night, I get a text from him at 11pm saying "you up?" I ignore it and the next day send him a message that says I am not a "you up" type of person. I felt the need to set that boundary. Apparently my text made him feel "uncomfortable." I asked him what he meant, and said that it can't be any more uncomfortable than a "you up?" text late at night when I'm not into that. An hour later, he responds "I had a question about something and now you've turned it into this." I told him that if he actually had a question, he could have just send me the question directly, as he knows what "you up" texts imply. He responds with "why are you being so mean" and then CALLS me to tell me that he thinks maybe we should only talk at work, as he now feels that it's toxic that he has to be guarded with what he says around me. He says that he would send a "you up" text to any of his friends and that he wasn't trying to get with me or date me, because I'm a coworker and that he thought we could be friends since we were close in age. I also reminded him that it wasn't the first time I had received those sorts of texts from him, and that I didn't feel that setting that sort of boundary was out of line, even if it turned out to be true that I misunderstood his intentions. He said he was over it and wouldn't tell anyone (WTF). He then asks me if I was triggered by a "you up" text for some reason and tells me he thinks there's something I'm not telling him. Even if there was, that's not his business. He then told me he would talk to me later and to have a good rest of the day. Afterwards, I saw that he completely blocked me from all social media. I obviously realize that trying to be friends with this coworker probably wasn't in my best interest, especially when he came off a little bit strong from the get-go. Am I missing something here? Did I completely misread his intentions or is he trying to backpedal himself out of this situation? I've also wondered if maybe he feels rejected because I called him out. I can't figure it out, and feel that he has reversed the situation to make it all on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 I actually enjoyed reading this until he starting getting nasty. At first I thought this was just a simple case of a guy with no game trying his luck with a coworker. We all know what "you up?" late night messages mean. It wasn't exactly subtle, but I thought you handled it all extremely well and I was impressed you didn't fall for it. However, his reaction to you setting some very reasonable boundaries was extremely over the top. Sure, he may have felt rejected or embarrassed, which may account for part of it. I can even understand why he would remove you from social media, but to start flinging it back on you like it was you making him uncomfortable and asking if you were "triggered" was completely ridiculous and borderline gas lighting behavior. The reality is sometimes you can make great friends at work, but they are the exception rather than the rule. His over the top reaction to something so minor is concerning, so it might be in your best interest to avoid him as much as possible going forward, and have nothing to do with him outside work. If he is a resentful or unstable type of person he might start spreading rumors or causing problems for you, so if anyone else brings this up, you need to remain neutral and clearly state the facts. He was messaging you late at night and you politely asked him to stop. End of story, no need for further elaboration. That way you aren't accusing him of anything, just asserting personal boundaries. As ridiculous as it sounds, it might pay to keep a record of all communication you have had with him as a paper trail in case he doesn't let this go. Hopefully, things will calm down naturally and nothing more will be said about it, but that doesn't mean you can ever trust him. Also, just for the record, your instincts were 100% right. Trust them and not the flipped around version he is trying to get out there. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 18, 2020 Share Posted May 18, 2020 He sounds weird and out of line. I would just be cordial to him at work and give him very little if any eye contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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