Bewildered

[Revelation]

Hello everyone,

Wanted to get some perspective and make sure what Im seeing as fairly straightforward and sound Is actually fairly straight forward and sound.

Anyway, my gf of about 8 months reached out to me on Saturday after yet another breakup, this one mutual, where we calmly agreed that we aren't very compatible and with that in mind and absence of work that's required to keep any relationship afloat--we'd be better going our separate ways. 

In that week or two that we were apart, I began looking for houses, as I have a situation where I need to relocate in the next month or so. I shared with her that I would not want to move into her place at this time, as we aren't ready to live together, as we have a lot of work to do on ourselves, so that option is out. She's got a kick ass place and is about to sign another yearly lease, so she's got roof over her head, that's not an issue.

She suggested I rent for a year or so and then she gets the time to save up money. I initially was open to that, however, changed my mind, as renting is quite a bit higher than buying a house, in addition that I have our shaky history to rely on. Sure, when it's make up time, everyone says they are changed and they will work hard each and every day. Id like to believe that, but then looking at our history of instability, paired with the comment that "if you get a house, I'm not sure I can be around". Shouldnt we strive to support one another and our goals? Strange, as I was jogging today, I even thought that some partners might have been happy to see their significant other making progress and grow. Both of us have abandonment and codepdence issues, if you couldnt tell already, which prompted my view that we were not compatible.

The issue began with her stating that she would not be part of the house-searching process with me, or be excited for me, as it's painful for her that I am getting a place by myself, without including her. I acknowledged the discomfort and pain she might be experiencing, but assured her that I am not abandoning her, I'd be willing to move in together when and if we are in a good place, say a year down the road without breaking up once a month, once I'd see some stability and she'd also would have to save up money for the downpayment, as I stated that with our shaky history Id be open to discussing moving in together (meaning me selling my place and us buying one together), and for that to happen I'd want us to feel rock solid, and have equal amount of money to put down.

She stated that she would be willing to keep this relationship on the condition that I sell the house in about a years time, when she has 10K saved, whether the house gained equity or is upside down (due to her prognosis of huge market crash). Initially I agreed again, but then I thought about and decided not to promise something I would not honor, as I was doubting that we'd be together at that point, so I said that I don't feel comfortable with that, as I don't want to promise something I wont uphold.

My gf then said that she is taking all the risks with me buying a house, which stumped me; she explained that if I buy this house and lose my money, I wouldn't be able to buy with her in the future. To me this seems ludicrous. She is also saying I am controlling her and being headstrong. I see it as me being rational and even flexible, as I said I would be willing to sell the house if/when we are rock solid and it isn't upside down, on my terms, not when she tells me to.

She told me this isn't for her, and that's ok with me. I could be blind to some things, or biased, as my ability to see is limited. I do get her feeling like im leaving her behind or abandoning, which I tried reassuring that I am not. She tells me I am putting her in a box, or rushing her. I am not. I don't know if she says that out of pain and hurt, but I am at a point where I think us letting one another go is a blessing, as Im not equipped with what she needs, and I dont think she has what I need.

So to respond to her stating this isnt for her, I asked her that we sit on this for a week and then touch base next monday, also stating that after that is done, I would ask that neither of us contacts the other after the break up (as I no longer wish to get in this cycle of madness).

What are your thoughts? 

[Marc878]

Sounds like you’re not compatible. I wouldn’t prolong this any longer. 
 

Cut her off completely and move on. You don’t need her input.

[FMW]

I think you should make decisions based on what YOU want.  You're too far apart right now on how things should be. 

As an aside, selling a house a year after you buy is rarely ever going to come out in your favor.  There are way too many variables to consider.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/19/2020 at 12:01 AM, Revelation said:

.So to respond to her stating this isnt for her, I asked her that we sit on this for a week and then touch base next monday, also stating that after that is done, I would ask that neither of us contacts the other after the break up (as I no longer wish to get in this cycle of madness).

What are your thoughts? 

I don't think there's much point in this. 

You already know this relationship is over. I would cut it off now so you can heal and move on. This relationship wasn't going to last. 

[Supernova11]

I think she’s very selfish and immature and I wouldn’t date someone who wasn’t happy for me  that I was buying my place.

She is incredibly insecure which is sad but I would only date an emotionally mature person. If this situation had happened to me, I would have split up with the person over it.

Infact I did have a similar situation whereby I have my own house but an ex of mine was buying, and I was encouraging him to buy. He had never lived on his own and we both felt it was important for him to have experience of living on his own. I also felt that I wouldn’t want to live with anyone until we had been together minimum a couple of years.