Attraction to emotionally unavailable men=I'm unavailable

[40Something]

Hi everyone. Newby here. I haven't been dating for a few months as I'm taking some time out to just do me. I commented on another poster's thread and thought it would be great if i could get some feedback from the loveshack members on my own struggles.

Some background info. I'm in my 40's, divorced for 8yrs and have 2 teens.

Since my divorce I've had 2 longish relationships that were heading absolutely nowhere. Both men were very into me, but the relationships never progressed and after a year or 2 I would end it.

I had an interesting conversation with my mom just before covid-19 hit us. In her opinion I'm also emotionally unavailable hence my attraction to these men. I do not see myself that way at all.

I am always very open and honest with potential partners. I wear my heart on my sleeve more often than not. Yet i cannot deny what is front of me, i seem to definitely be attracted to a specific type after my divorce.

Would love to hear your thoughts

[stillafool]

Well you aren't the only woman who is attracted to emotionally unavailable men.  It seems there are more and more every day.  You can read in the dating section here just how many women and girls love those type of men.  I think they present a challenge as to who can win their heart, make them fall in love and ask her to marry him.  None of these women seem emotionally unavailable to me but just like you wear their hearts on their sleeves.  I think the truly emotionally unavailable women are the ones who end up landing these guys.

[Woggle]

If one of these guys were all of a sudden available would you run. If so then you are emotionally unavailable.

[Cookiesandough]

It could be. But I think when I see a pattern of people being into  “emotionally unavailable”  it’s two things mainly. One is the tendency for people to want what they can’t have...for these particular individuals, it’s the challenge in itself that draws them in and getting the person’s interest makes them feel they’ve won.. The other one is that 9/10  ‘emotionally unavailable’ is actually just the other person is not that interested because  people who are desirable typically have more options,  therefore it could be harder to get their interest...

 

 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

It's true that not all of them are emotionally unavailable.  It's just that they aren't interested in them so it's easier for the rejected to person to label them emotionally unavailable rather than accept that they are just not interested in them.

[Emilie Jolie]

4 hours ago, 40Something said:

Both men were very into me, but the relationships never progressed and after a year or 2 I would end it.

When I hear emotionally unavailable, I hear emotionally immature. Mature emotionally unavailable people don't go into RLs, because they know they are not available.

One year or 2 isn't very long in terms of RL for someone in their 40s in my opinion; it's the usual make or break point when you consider the RL to be viable or not, but that's neither here nor there for the purpose of this thread, I guess.

You say both me were very into you - that doesn't really project the idea of them being emotionally immature, since they were able to convey that to you. Could simply be you weren't suited to each other or compatible, and nothing more than that? 

 

[Weezy1973]

@40Something are you afraid of being vulnerable? Which really is fear of rejection. If so then it’s likely you’ll be drawn to emotionally unavailable men.

 

I remember my second serious relationship was with a woman who had a difficult childhood and a couple of toxic relationships as a teen, and she dated quite a few players before me. She told me that to her, those guys were “safe” because she knew not to expect much. Guys like me (relationship oriented) to her were much scarier.

 

[FMW]

Emotional unavailability is usually situational and temporary (of course not always).  And very common after divorce.  I'm still dealing with it myself almost 4 years after my divorce.  If you're not truly ready to be involved with someone again, it's much more comfortable to be with someone who is going to have limitations of their own. 

What Weezy's ex said is right - players are easy.  Good guys of real substance are scary because you don't want to be the one who's a jerk, you don't want to hurt them.  You have to make sure you're ready to bring your "A" game.  

[chillii]

5 hours ago, Woggle said:

If one of these guys were all of a sudden available would you run. If so then you are emotionally unavailable.

That's what l was thinkin.

But l'd also say that divorces are no fun for men and they usually lose if not everything then 1/2 of everything and often their kids too .andddd, it's more often the very woman that was pushing for the marriages years ago , walking out on it 10 or 20yrs later because it's not perfect or she's mlc'y or she wants to go and screw around. Soooooo,  2 yrs isn't very long in the new picture because anyone with a brain wants to be as sure as they can be before they go jumping into that pot again, if they ever want to. 

Edited May 19, 2020 by chillii

[Woggle]

10 minutes ago, chillii said:

That's what l was thinkin.

But l'd also say that divorces are no fun for men and they usually lose if not everything then 1/2 of everything and often their kids too .andddd, it's more often the very woman that was pushing for the marriages years ago , walking out on it 10 or 20yrs later because it's not perfect or she's mlc'y or she wants to go and screw around. Soooooo,  2 yrs isn't very long in the new picture because anyone with a brain wants to be as sure as they can be before they go jumping into that pot again, if they ever want to. 

I agree with this. I am going to get into trouble for what I am about to say but in many cases while men are bad about making commitments some women are bad about keeping them and men know this.

[chillii]

 

lt is true , l mean there's more women leaving marriages but they eff marriages just as much as men do so that should be about even, apparently it's far from even though. You know , men use to put up with 50yrs of shyt too in older times, that wasn't only a womans thing.

But l dunno , it is a really weird thing later on too forgetting whatever happened and how it all turned out. Yaknow , l was late 40s, and tbh l thought there'd be no more pressure now because there'll be no having kids involved . But weirdly , there was still whole new pressure , just like back in my 20s . Most women will still only give it a year or two to make up his mind. l thought they'd be all nicely chilled now and content to just live and be together , but there's just as much pressure at this age as there was back in 20s.

My good friend was just telling me yesterday her and her man don't need paper and aren't interested in walking down an isle again they're just happy to be together , l thought that would be pretty common but it's not at all.

Edited May 19, 2020 by chillii

[Lotsgoingon]

10 hours ago, 40Something said:

I am always very open and honest with potential partners. I wear my heart on my sleeve more often than not. Yet i cannot deny what is front of me, i seem to definitely be attracted to a specific type after my divorce.

 If you're paying attention, you really DON'T want to be open and honest with people until they have earned your openness and trust. If you are indiscriminately open ... then yes, that's a way of sabotaging closeness, a way of blocking a real connection.  

 The first time you share about yourself, you want to train yourself to listen closely and notice ... notice if the man shares something equally vulnerable (or nearly so) about himself. If he doesn't, you note that. Maybe you open up once more ... If you don't get a matching reveal, game over. You stop. 

The question is, why are you being indiscriminately revealing to people who haven't showed they are worthy of revealing yourself to? Revealing yourself in this way is a form of self-neglect. Imagine someone going on a date and saying "my religious faith is very important to me and I want to date someone who shares my faith."  Now imagine such a person does NOT get a response from the guy saying "yes, my faith is important to me as well. And here's how. ..." The first person would be reckless and foolish and blind to continue on.  

You could screen out unavailable men within two dates ... really one most of the time. But you've got to learn how to listen and to evaluate them. I'm not sure where your mind goes on early dates, but you need to go into evaluation mode. Is this person emotionally open? Do they say something interesting and engaging when you open up? 

Perhaps you're a natural charmer--and someone who likes people in general and is not judgmental--, well then it is easy to lose sight of the importance of stopping your charm offensive and instead going into critical judge/evaluator mode. But that's what you've got to do. 

So as to your mom's comment. I'm not sure you're equally unavailable. But you are like a job interviewer who says I want someone who has worked 5 years in x capacity ... who during the interview ... doesn't find out if the person has worked 5 years in x capacity ... and then hires them!  

 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[nospam99]

With covid isolation forcing a dating hiatus, I've been giving a lot of thought to my attitude about 'another' relationship.

A couple of years ago I was dating a woman who felt 'very special' to me. I have posted enough (several topics, dozens or maybe hundreds by now of posts) that bringing this previous relationship up again will probably bore readers who recognize my story. (It's over, nospam. Move on already!) The thing is that I was so fond of this woman who is now lost in my past that any thought of a new relationship makes me feel 'empty'. While I believe I could form and enjoy a new relationship and be a committed friend, companion, and lover, I'm not confident that I'd ever be 'satisfied'. Looking at the idea now, admittedly NOT in a relationship, feels like just 'going through the motions'.

I see that as making me emotionally unavailable.Do others agree? Is this a general model of men (women too?) being emotionally unavailable?

[basil67]

@nospam99 No, you're not emotionally unavailable.   Your dating problem is that you want a dream.  

You remember this woman as someone you could have had a great relationship with.  But the reality is that despite all the good things, there was a point of dissension where neither you would change your views, so satisfaction in that relationship would not have been mutually attainable.  Forgetting the deal breaker which broke an otherwise good relationship puts it at the 100% level, but no relationship has this.  

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Woggle said:

If one of these guys were all of a sudden available would you run. If so then you are emotionally unavailable.

I think that is one of those questions that cannot be answered until it actually happens.  Because to me, of course she is going to say "Heck yeah, I'd love it" but then when it actually happens, it's a different story. 

I think the logic behind why women who chase (or date) emotionally unavailable men are considered emotionally unavailable themselves is because if she were not emotionally unavailable, if a commitment is what she truly wanted, then why the hell is she chasing/dating a man who would never be able or have any desire to give her that commitment she claims to want?  

To a woman who is unavailable herself, he feels safe.

Kinda makes sense.  

Edited May 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Malin889]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@40Something are you afraid of being vulnerable? Which really is fear of rejection. If so then it’s likely you’ll be drawn to emotionally unavailable men.

I remember my second serious relationship was with a woman who had a difficult childhood and a couple of toxic relationships as a teen, and she dated quite a few players before me. She told me that to her, those guys were “safe” because she knew not to expect much. Guys like me (relationship oriented) to her were much scarier.

I've heard this before too. Someone told me once he was scared when we were dating because it was turning into something real, and he often dated women who were constantly causing drama, trouble, losing their jobs, falling over drunk, etc because they were "safe" and didn't expect much from him. 

[40Something]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well you aren't the only woman who is attracted to emotionally unavailable men.  It seems there are more and more every day.  You can read in the dating section here just how many women and girls love those type of men.  I think they present a challenge as to who can win their heart, make them fall in love and ask her to marry him.  None of these women seem emotionally unavailable to me but just like you wear their hearts on their sleeves.  I think the truly emotionally unavailable women are the ones who end up landing these guys.

Thank you for the feedback. I do sometimes wonder if subconsciously I'm trying to "win" them over.

[40Something]

13 hours ago, Woggle said:

If one of these guys were all of a sudden available would you run. If so then you are emotionally unavailable.

My mom believes this. She's told me that I would run and the only reason I choose these guys is because I know that nothing would come of it. But then why was I heartbroken when the relationships ended?

[40Something]

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

It could be. But I think when I see a pattern of people being into  “emotionally unavailable”  it’s two things mainly. One is the tendency for people to want what they can’t have...for these particular individuals, it’s the challenge in itself that draws them in and getting the person’s interest makes them feel they’ve won.. The other one is that 9/10  ‘emotionally unavailable’ is actually just the other person is not that interested because  people who are desirable typically have more options,  therefore it could be harder to get their interest...

 

 

Thanks Cookie

I can for sure say that its not wanting what I cant have. 

I seem to attract lots of interest from men, but i end up falling for the "difficult" ones. Men who are single, but have commitment issues. Perhaps they are my "safe" zones?

[40Something]

12 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

When I hear emotionally unavailable, I hear emotionally immature. Mature emotionally unavailable people don't go into RLs, because they know they are not available.

One year or 2 isn't very long in terms of RL for someone in their 40s in my opinion; it's the usual make or break point when you consider the RL to be viable or not, but that's neither here nor there for the purpose of this thread, I guess.

You say both me were very into you - that doesn't really project the idea of them being emotionally immature, since they were able to convey that to you. Could simply be you weren't suited to each other or compatible, and nothing more than that? 

 

Hi Emilie

Both men were divorced for 10yrs+ and eternally single when i met them. If i was prepared to stick around without further progression of the relationship they would have been quite happy with that. We were very compatible. It was usually at this point I would get the "i love you but never will never live/get married ever again" conversation.

So perhaps I'm attracted to commitment phobes?

[40Something]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@40Something are you afraid of being vulnerable? Which really is fear of rejection. If so then it’s likely you’ll be drawn to emotionally unavailable men.

 

I remember my second serious relationship was with a woman who had a difficult childhood and a couple of toxic relationships as a teen, and she dated quite a few players before me. She told me that to her, those guys were “safe” because she knew not to expect much. Guys like me (relationship oriented) to her were much scarier.

 

Weezy, you might be on to something here. I had a traumatic divorce. My ex-husband had a baby with his mistress. I was totally blind sided. 

It takes a while before I drop my walls and let someone in. Am i perhaps then not as open to being vulnerable as i think I am?

Perhaps I fall for these guys because they are "safe" to me.

[40Something]

8 hours ago, chillii said:

That's what l was thinkin.

But l'd also say that divorces are no fun for men and they usually lose if not everything then 1/2 of everything and often their kids too .andddd, it's more often the very woman that was pushing for the marriages years ago , walking out on it 10 or 20yrs later because it's not perfect or she's mlc'y or she wants to go and screw around. Soooooo,  2 yrs isn't very long in the new picture because anyone with a brain wants to be as sure as they can be before they go jumping into that pot again, if they ever want to. 

Hi Chilli

Divorce isn't fun for anyone but I get what you're trying to say. 

In my experience from what I've seen and heard, divorced men take much longer to recover than women. 

[40Something]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think that is one of those questions that cannot be answered until it actually happens.  Because to me, of course she is going to say "Heck yeah, I'd love it" but then when it actually happens, it's a different story. 

I think the logic behind why women who chase (or date) emotionally unavailable men are considered emotionally unavailable themselves is because if she were not emotionally unavailable, if a commitment is what she truly wanted, then why the hell is she chasing/dating a man who would never be able or have any desire to give her that commitment she claims to want?  

To a woman who is unavailable herself, he feels safe.

Kinda makes sense.  

Hi Poppy

This is kinda exactly what my mom said. That i think I want commitment, but I really don't. I have a lot of unpacking to do.

[40Something]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 If you're paying attention, you really DON'T want to be open and honest with people until they have earned your openness and trust. If you are indiscriminately open ... then yes, that's a way of sabotaging closeness, a way of blocking a real connection.  

 The first time you share about yourself, you want to train yourself to listen closely and notice ... notice if the man shares something equally vulnerable (or nearly so) about himself. If he doesn't, you note that. Maybe you open up once more ... If you don't get a matching reveal, game over. You stop. 

The question is, why are you being indiscriminately revealing to people who haven't showed they are worthy of revealing yourself to? Revealing yourself in this way is a form of self-neglect. Imagine someone going on a date and saying "my religious faith is very important to me and I want to date someone who shares my faith."  Now imagine such a person does NOT get a response from the guy saying "yes, my faith is important to me as well. And here's how. ..." The first person would be reckless and foolish and blind to continue on.  

You could screen out unavailable men within two dates ... really one most of the time. But you've got to learn how to listen and to evaluate them. I'm not sure where your mind goes on early dates, but you need to go into evaluation mode. Is this person emotionally open? Do they say something interesting and engaging when you open up? 

Perhaps you're a natural charmer--and someone who likes people in general and is not judgmental--, well then it is easy to lose sight of the importance of stopping your charm offensive and instead going into critical judge/evaluator mode. But that's what you've got to do. 

So as to your mom's comment. I'm not sure you're equally unavailable. But you are like a job interviewer who says I want someone who has worked 5 years in x capacity ... who during the interview ... doesn't find out if the person has worked 5 years in x capacity ... and then hires them!  

 

Hi Lotsgoingon

Thanks for this, you've given me a lot of food for thought.

You're right. I am a people's person. I believe the best in people until proven wrong. Perhaps I should become more critical.

In my defense I don't reveal too much of myself from the get go. My walls are up but once i relax and trust that person, I am all in. I think I need to be more critical in the early stages as you said and take responses at face value and not project " the good" it could become.

[40Something]

7 hours ago, nospam99 said:

With covid isolation forcing a dating hiatus, I've been giving a lot of thought to my attitude about 'another' relationship.

A couple of years ago I was dating a woman who felt 'very special' to me. I have posted enough (several topics, dozens or maybe hundreds by now of posts) that bringing this previous relationship up again will probably bore readers who recognize my story. (It's over, nospam. Move on already!) The thing is that I was so fond of this woman who is now lost in my past that any thought of a new relationship makes me feel 'empty'. While I believe I could form and enjoy a new relationship and be a committed friend, companion, and lover, I'm not confident that I'd ever be 'satisfied'. Looking at the idea now, admittedly NOT in a relationship, feels like just 'going through the motions'.

I see that as making me emotionally unavailable.Do others agree? Is this a general model of men (women too?) being emotionally unavailable?

Hey nospam99

What happened with your relationship? Did you bolt? If you didn't, I don't think you're emotionally unavailable.