Kiki55 Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 I have nowhere else to turn. I have known my colleague for 18 months and always felt something there but as we were both married, never acted on it. At the start of this year we began working closer together and discussed our marriages, we were both feeling unhappy skip a few weeks and I left my husband 2 weeks after we first kissed. I knew that regardless of a future with my colleague, this marriage was not right for me. I seen my colleague as fun, and we both said it was just that however 6 weeks ago, we admitted that we had fallen in love with eachother and despite the lockdown, he has separated from his wife. We have continued to work from my home every single day. He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset. We both have kids that are early teens. I do believe he has split with her, we constantly talk on messages and he has never given me a reason to doubt him I guess, but he still goes home every day once office hours are done (to avoid suspicion he says) it breaks my heart everytime he leaves and he tells me to have some patience and I will see in time he is as serious about me as I am him. I know these situations don't usually work out in the other woman's favour and I don't know how to deal with this, I know we have genuine love but will he really leave the family home and sacrifice this for me? Should I give him an ultimatum? I can't bear life without him. My heart hurts so much for him to be with me Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 10 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: he has never given me a reason to doubt him I guess, So cheating on his wife is not a reason to doubt him? Lying daily to her is not a reason? The guy is a proven liar... that isnt enough? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted May 19, 2020 Author Share Posted May 19, 2020 In terms of their relationship yes, but in terms of us, he has been straight up honest with me. I've never felt a connection like it and he's said the same. I never asked him to leave his wife. I wasn't pressuring him at all.. He just told me one day that he has told her it was over and this was during lockdown. I have seen messages (over his shoulder) to his brother discussing the marriage breakdown. He has never said anything bad about her just that it's simply not what he wants anymore. He has supported her financially for all their marriage, she has never wanted to work. He has a good career and works hard for his money. He said she could cause a lot of pain with this children and I also do not want them to hate me or know I had any involvement in their breakup. He has said just now that we will discuss a date tomorrow for when he will be moving out by - again this is all conditional to lockdown measures too. My concern is that maybe they have got back together after this "split" maybe he will think I'm not worth leaving his whole life for. His plan, as he puts it, is to move out as soon as he can following Lock down, leave it a few months and then slowly bring me on the scene... It's a flaky plan at best because things like this always find a way out. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 Girl he isn't going anywhere, and he doesn't want her knowing about you because he doesn't plan on leaving. "She never wanted to work" - let me guess - those are his words, right? I'm betting it didn't go down like that. Once they started their family they made decisions TOGETHER that worked best for everyone involved, including their children. Maybe putting them in daycare wasn't worth the exorbitant cost based on what she made - you don't know, only THEY know. He married her and fathered her kids. Also, if he's the soul breadwinner oh hail to tha naw - he isn't moving out of the house that he pays for to live in an apartment that he would ALSO have to pay for just to send all of his money back home to her and see his kids half the time, while footing the bill for two households. He isn't the first MM on this forum to use COVID as an excuse to stay at home with his wife and kids. It's just super convenient for them to not to have to make any moves. Again I feel like this is so common - woman leaves her marriage for AP but then is left in the lurch when the MM decides he doesn't want to uproot his life the way he knows it. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 These are unusual times and it's certainly possible that lockdown is making things harder, but you would do well to be cautious and to look at his actions and not his words. If you read more posts here, you will see that MM often say the same things yours is saying and don't move out. And even if he does move out, a lot of MM ping pong back home. You should have clear expectations and firm boundaries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: I know we have genuine love but will he really leave the family home and sacrifice this for me? Should I give him an ultimatum? If he is still going home to his family every night, he’s not separated from his wife. What exactly would you give him as an ultimatum? You have been “dating” for a matter of months. Days, really. Sorry, I don’t know that you have a leg to stand on here, and I think you know it... Edited May 19, 2020 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 (edited) 59 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Again I feel like this is so common - woman leaves her marriage for AP but then is left in the lurch when the MM decides he doesn't want to uproot his life the way he knows it. Gosh no, especially if she has never worked during their marriage and she is currently unemployed. Perhaps he did think about leaving his wife and family, and then he found out how much divorce will cost... No, they can never know about you... he has teenage children, he doesn’t want them to know him as a man who had an affair and left his family for a woman he has known for a handful of months. I think his reluctance has less to do with causing hurt than it has to do with preserving his relationships/reputation. If he was concerned about causing hurt to the people he loved he wouldn’t be sneaking around and cheating in the first place... Edited May 19, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Kiki55 said: In terms of their relationship yes, but in terms of us, he has been straight up honest with me. Girl, you don't know that. You don't know if he has been honest about his situation with his wife and family at home. You don't know if he meant it when he said he'll leave his wife. You only know what he told you. But what you do know for sure is that he is capable of lying daily to someone he vowed before God, hers and his family and friends that he'll cherish her "for better and for worse, till death do us part." You know how when you look for a new dentist/hairdresser/buy a product from a seller on ebay, etc, you start by getting others reviews and own experiences? Well, the same principle applies here too. You are getting the front seat view of how he is treating his life partner who he made marriage vows with, who bore him kids, stayed at home to look after his kids and built a life together with. What makes you think his behaviour as a husband and life partner now wouldn't happen to you when someday "that's also simply not what he wants anymore?" Would you go ahead to see a dentist or hairdresser who have bad reviews? Or still choose to buy something from a seller online who had many bad reviews of misrepresentating the product or lying about already shipping out the item when in fact they did not? Spend sometime reading around on this forum, you'll find many similarities in alot of OW/OM stories. It's so typically that sometimes when I read new posts, I can already predict what the MM/MW said before I even get to the end of the post. It's only been several months, get out when you are not too deep in yet, if not, I can guarantee you will be in a world of hurt. Or, you can test him by telling him to come look for you once the ink on his divorce is dry. That'll give you the space and clarity to decide if this is really such a good idea after all and also reveal his true intentions. Edited May 20, 2020 by assertives 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 She never wanted to work? Oh, the web the MM spins of how wife and his marriage. Also notice it seems all OW "see texts", it is almost comical how alike all the stories are. Always the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: She never wanted to work? Oh, the web the MM spins of how wife and his marriage. Also notice it seems all OW "see texts", it is almost comical how alike all the stories are. Always the same. So true. The OW “knows” because she has seen the texts, it somehow provides confirmation that he is unhappy, reaffirms the hope that he is about to leave, and validates that the OW should stay as her ship is about to come in... I had the same thought when I read this post - so common. From the idea that he has never given her reason NOT to trust him (even though she has knows him a couple of months and the one thing that she KNOWS about him is that he is lying and cheating on the woman he promised to love and keep forever), to the insinuation that the wife is dead weight because she has never worked, to the idea that he is somehow “separated” while still living at home - that one is a little more far fetched, but it has certainly been tried before. So typical - woman ditches her marriage hoping to trade up while man puts the brakes on... after promising to do the same. And so the dance begins... Edited May 20, 2020 by BaileyB 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Quote I also do not want them to hate me or know I had any involvement in their breakup. Why not? If you don't want to own your actions then maybe it's a clue you shouldn't be doing them! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) I guess I can see this from both sides... and while the responses above are correct, based on A LOT of the stories on this board... ok... just maybe... there is the situation you believe is true. AND... the only reason I say it MAY happen is that one of my Female friends is kind of going through the same thing. (With a role reversal) She is tired of her marriage, and can't take her H any longer. I have heard from her so many times of his issues, and she only thought marrying him would make him see the light and Step up." She has told him that it's (more or less) over, and has set up her own bedroom in the house. (They don't have kids) So, in this case... she is separated from her H, but can't really leave because of the COVID. Her BF or the OM in this case is single, and they have feelings for each other. I told her to leave her H for herself, and to make sure it's not just because her new man is more exciting. She has assured me it's not the reason, but she has also said it's helped her to understand that she can't keep going on the way her H treats her. (not bad, but not a H either. More of a roommate) So... there you have it. Sure, it could be the way you are seeing it... but honestly... in my gut... you are just the OW in this story, and your MM won't leave his wife. Especially knowing he will have to pay alimony to her. AND... he doesn't want anyone to know about you because he will then pay child support too. I wish you luck in all of this. Edited May 20, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Quote AND... he doesn't want anyone to know about you because he will then pay child support too. He'll pay child support anyway - they're his children. The man's protecting his own reputation, plus they may live in an at fault state/country where infidelity is taken into account during divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 17 hours ago, Kiki55 said: In terms of their relationship yes, but in terms of us, he has been straight up honest with me. I've never felt a connection like it and he's said the same. I never asked him to leave his wife. I wasn't pressuring him at all.. He just told me one day that he has told her it was over and this was during lockdown. I have seen messages (over his shoulder) to his brother discussing the marriage breakdown. He has never said anything bad about her just that it's simply not what he wants anymore. He has supported her financially for all their marriage, she has never wanted to work. He has a good career and works hard for his money. He said she could cause a lot of pain with this children and I also do not want them to hate me or know I had any involvement in their breakup. He has said just now that we will discuss a date tomorrow for when he will be moving out by - again this is all conditional to lockdown measures too. My concern is that maybe they have got back together after this "split" maybe he will think I'm not worth leaving his whole life for. His plan, as he puts it, is to move out as soon as he can following Lock down, leave it a few months and then slowly bring me on the scene... It's a flaky plan at best because things like this always find a way out. He can move out now and won't have competition to rent apartments. There's no good reason for him not to if he's serious. I agree with Amethyst that you need to own your part in the demise of their marriage because the kids are going to know anyway. You think their mom won't know and then not tell them? Think again and own it. This isn't going to be easy so get ready to face reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Almost every OW seems to think 'this one is different. We are soul mates. He really is going to leave his wife and we are going to live happily ever after. He wouldn't cheat on ME'. I'm sorry, but this is textbook. Even if he does leave her you will be stuck with a proven liar and cheat. Divorce your husband. Be honest with yourself why (and yes the affair had something to do with it). Heal yourself some and find an unattached guy at some point in the future. You don't have to chase married men. There are men that aren't proven liars and cheats available. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 1 minute ago, notbroken said: There are men that aren't proven liars and cheats available. What do you call women who do to men what OP is doing to her husband? I call them liars and cheats (no difference) also so perhaps these two belong together. MM's wife needs to be set free to find a person who loves them as well as OP's husband. They do not love their spouses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Being a liar and a cheat does not depend on what sex you are. Both sexes are capable of that. It is proven every day. She can't control what others do. She can however control what she does. She can decide to live an honest life, divorce her husband, and only go after unattached men. If she doesn't, she will continue to reap the rewards of the pain she has sown like so many others have discovered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Quote but he still goes home every day once office hours are done How is this separated? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, BTDT2012 said: How is this separated? It’s not. And even if it was, as is proven so many times on this board... separated men don’t make good boyfriends. They are not free to commit to a new relationship - they have appointments with lawyers, angry ex-wives, children who are unsettled, feelings of uncertainty/remorse,/regret... the list goes on and on and on... This is not dating, where he can tell his girlfriend, “it’s over” and he is free to meet you for a drink later that night... It’s a lot more complicated than that. It’s usually a LONG time before a man is settled and has his life in order such that he is ready for another serious relationship. And, if he does jump from one relationship to another, that is usually a HUGE red flag - for one, that he is making selfish decisions with little regard for his children or two, that he is using the other woman as a rebound and at high risk for deciding to return home to his family. Edited May 20, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 18 hours ago, Kiki55 said: however 6 weeks ago, we admitted that we had fallen in love with each other Men don't leave long term marriages for a 6 week love affair. You left as soon as, as you were on a hair trigger, any hint of a better deal and you were gone. He is not on that hair trigger. This is classic stuff I am afraid. Many men choose to have affairs with married women as it is safe. She is not leaving, he is not leaving. Perfect. Future faking abounds but it is all just "fun". BUT women tend to get emotional and fall in love and they leave their husbands and call his bluff. "OMG,she wasn't supposed to do that." Now she is a loose cannon, capable of anything so he tries to placate her, whilst keeping his marriage going. He tells both women what they want to hear, but at some point he is going to have to start rolling out the excuses to the OW. Be prepared. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Men don't leave long term marriages for a 6 week love affair. You left as soon as, as you were on a hair trigger, any hint of a better deal and you were gone. He is not on that hair trigger. No, they don’t. But women do all the time... And then, they are left stunned when “his feelings change...” or rather, his feelings don’t change but life circumstance gets in the way... At which point, the only thing left to do is determine how much they are willing to settle for... do they walk away or are they so hooked, so convinced that this is true love, that they are willing to settle in as the other woman and wait... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Wake up. He's just living the life of an adulterer. Look, you have to get over this notion that men are looking for one woman to love. Men are very often looking for as many women they can juggle to have sex with, and yes, there may be some personal relationship in there somewhere, but they are not looking to keep to one woman or they'd keep to the one they married. And he probably will in the end like the majority do if their wife doesn't throw them out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 It's the old IHS spiel in house separation, almost impossible to prove unless you have lawyers documents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Share Posted May 20, 2020 I have read all the comments and I do accept I need to own my actions in terms of his children and wife. I know all of this sounds so clichè and after reading the comments earlier on, I have broached the subject with him again. This is not a 6 week love affair, we have been friends and colleagues for over 18 months as well. This man is like a mirror image of me. I know I sound delusional and come across as gulable and naive and maybe I am but I have today given him a deadline and he seems happy and has accepted it. This deadline is 2 weeks away, it may seem I have not given him enough time but this is something we have spoken about before. He has accepted the deadline to be in the process of moving out. His concern and reason for the delay so far has been due to the lockdown and the fact she is unable to see any of her friends and family. Financial concerns are not an issue, he is very stable in this field and able to support 2 homes. He does not worry for his kids as he believes it will be better for then in the long run instead of being in an ynhaooy home. I admit that how we have gone about this is all wrong but it has happened now. Just to clarify too, my husband and I are separated. I never cheated on him, I left him. My children adapted very well to the split and said we are both happier apart and I wish the same for my MM kids too. I guess I will continue to check in and update on this situation for those that either want to know if there is hope for a MM to leave and also if there is to be yet another typical heartbroken OW story to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 Quote I left my husband 2 weeks after we first kissed. This is cheating, and it was probably emotional long before it was physical. Just own your actions... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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