Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I think most MM who say this do really believe it. They just can't see how they are choosing to be un-empowered. No one can make you get married without threats of physical violence. This is probably just a situation of an impatient girlfriend, or a girlfriend who is more mature and ready for "adult" things" than the MM, and he senses he will lose the relationship if he doesn't take the next step. Choosing between two things that aren't exactly, 100% how you would want them is not being forced to do something; it's just real life in grownup land. 

I find this quite interesting. My xMM told me that BS asked him to marry her not long after they had been together. She had a boyfriend and cheated on him with MM, he had left as he didn't want to get involved with her. She dumped boyfriend and went running after XMM. So it makes sense, the impatient girlfriend or the more mature girlfriend ready for adult things. I can see that it's not being forced to do something but when you are 18/19, emotionally immature and inexperienced xMM obviously looks back on that time as being pushed into marriage that maybe he shouldn't have gone ahead with. He has no-one to blame but himself. 

[heartwhole2]

Just now, Beca L said:

I find this quite interesting. My xMM told me that BS asked him to marry her not long after they had been together. She had a boyfriend and cheated on him with MM, he had left as he didn't want to get involved with her. She dumped boyfriend and went running after XMM. So it makes sense, the impatient girlfriend or the more mature girlfriend ready for adult things. I can see that it's not being forced to do something but when you are 18/19, emotionally immature and inexperienced xMM obviously looks back on that time as being pushed into marriage that maybe he shouldn't have gone ahead with. He has no-one to blame but himself. 

And complaining about it to an affair partner rather than leaving a marriage that you no longer want . . . it all fits in with the conflict-avoidant, immature man who isn't willing to do hard things. 

[Beca L]

31 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

And complaining about it to an affair partner rather than leaving a marriage that you no longer want . . . it all fits in with the conflict-avoidant, immature man who isn't willing to do hard things. 

I agree and to this day he stays and buries his head in the sand. Life is too short. 

[Kiki55]

4 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

Hi Kiki55...

EVERY situation is different, and no one knows your MM, so keep that in mind.  The constant in these stories is the love/connection that we feel for these men, so everyone understands that piece for sure.  You are going to get a lot of cautionary tales on this board because it's whole purpose is for OW who are for the most part tangled up in this mess and no one wants to see you get hurt or make similar mistakes.    Think of it like this....you were interested in buying a Jeep, but it has horrible reviews for reliability.  If you ask 100 people that own one, even though the majority may say it is a piece of junk, there are going to be a couple that did not have those issues and love their Jeep.  

With that being said, I know you need to see if he follows through, otherwise you will never know. I did the same thing and while I'm still picking up the pieces of what happened, that doesn't necessarily mean that is what will happen to you.  We can throw all the warnings in the world at you, but you are going to handle this situation as you see best.   Protect your heart as best as you can and prepare yourself for the different outcomes  that come with all of this, including the fallout if he does leave.  

Wait to see what happens on June 5th.   We will be here to help you through it no matter what direction it goes in.    

This has been the most supportive comment on this thread and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. I understand that everybody is providing warning and caution and of course some judgement and reality checks. But yes, I can't NOT go through with thid and follow my heart now. I'm in too deep. I could be the exception. A big thing for me is that I have never pressured him.  He could of continued to see me and not tell me he had left his wife, not tell me he has fallen in love with me. He's the one that initiated all this and took it to the next level. I appreciate the support and I hope I do have a great exceptional tale to tell and continue to tell over the coming weeks and months. Thank you 

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Kiki55  Believe me, I understand about being in too deep (you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, right!)?   Mine was as yours was, in terms of him coming to his conclusions on his own about wanting a future together (no pressure).   So I get it.   Starting a life together won't come without it's complications when you start off this way (and most of us never planned on getting involved in an affair, life and love happen no matter what we do to stop it), but if you are both on the same page, it can happen.   If everything he has said is true, I think your's may be a little more prepared to move forward than most.

There is no playbook for this, and most just do the best they can when getting through these next steps (whichever direction it goes).  Rarely is it handled perfectly and there may be mis-steps,  so keep that in mind as you both navigate through.   Meanwhile take care of you the next couple of weeks.   

And if you need to talk, we are here.  I think most people have good intentions on this board, but as you know, advice comes in many forms...from the empathetic, to the well-meaning, to the misguided, and to the jaded.   Ultimately, everyone is just trying to help (well with the exception of the rare one or two 😉 ).  Take what you need from it to help you move forward.   Hugs

 

[Kiki55]

38 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

@Kiki55  Believe me, I understand about being in too deep (you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, right!)?   Mine was as yours was, in terms of him coming to his conclusions on his own about wanting a future together (no pressure).   So I get it.   Starting a life together won't come without it's complications when you start off this way (and most of us never planned on getting involved in an affair, life and love happen no matter what we do to stop it), but if you are both on the same page, it can happen.   If everything he has said is true, I think your's may be a little more prepared to move forward than most.

There is no playbook for this, and most just do the best they can when getting through these next steps (whichever direction it goes).  Rarely is it handled perfectly and there may be mis-steps,  so keep that in mind as you both navigate through.   Meanwhile take care of you the next couple of weeks.   

And if you need to talk, we are here.  I think most people have good intentions on this board, but as you know, advice comes in many forms...from the empathetic, to the well-meaning, to the misguided, and to the jaded.   Ultimately, everyone is just trying to help (well with the exception of the rare one or two 😉 ).  Take what you need from it to help you move forward.   Hugs

 

My heart is smiling reading your words. There are many more signs of truth from him than most stories I have heard. For example the sex is not something he might 'ensure' he has everytime we are together. The sex started off as just that and has become so passionate and loving. We do much more kissing and holding hands than that. We talk for hours and hours and we laugh together all the time. The moment he leaves my company he is sending messages he is missing me and we continue to talk with no longer than 20 minutes in between messages until we are together again. He drove from his family members home he went to visit (I don't want to say where because I feel like I have given alot if information out already) which is 4 hours drive at 2am to see me sooner than planned because he missed me. I know some people have mentioned that he should be spending more time with his children or putting them first but I believe he has done that for a long time, he does need to think of himself too and of course if he is happy, it will make them happy too. We aren't bad evil people, we just fell in love. I pray he is sincere and I sway more towards that than not at the moment. As I type now, he is sending messages to me as he has done all day - he is away with 2 family members visiting another family member I will not say who on here.. just incase 😉 😊

[Starswillshine]

I will give some positive. We hear on this website over and over, if a MM will leave, he does so immediately. So you do have that in favor. I would question, for both of you, a lot of what you both have allowed to happen and go on. It seems reckless and selfish. That would make me question any potential mate for myself. But irrational love has people doing all sorts of dumb things. It is just sad as an outsider for all the innocent people in this path that you both have drug along. 

Your kids were exposed far too easily. And at some point, it wont take long before the piece together the pieces. Kids are smart. Especially teenagers. If you have sons, be careful.... they judge moms harshly, it seems. My son was not keen on me dating even after a divorce from his dad who was a cheater. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I know some people have mentioned that he should be spending more time with his children or putting them first but I believe he has done that for a long time, he does need to think of himself too and of course if he is happy, it will make them happy too.

Yet you have no problem with him bonding and spending time with your children.

You really think his children are going to be happy that he chose to spend time with another family rather than with them? You're delusional if you think that's true.

How are you expecting to keep your origins as a couple secret when your children see you acting as a couple already? Is he expecting the two sets of children never to meet?

[Kiki55]

33 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Yet you have no problem with him bonding and spending time with your children.

You really think his children are going to be happy that he chose to spend time with another family rather than with them? You're delusional if you think that's true.

How are you expecting to keep your origins as a couple secret when your children see you acting as a couple already? Is he expecting the two sets of children never to meet?

I don't think his kids will be directly aware that he as you put it, chose to spend time with my kids instead of his, and it's not like that either. He spends every evening and weekend with them. 

You have raised an interesting point on when our children meet. I don't know about this and I guess we will need to discuss it. 

I know this is messy, I really do. Lockdown had us behaving even more irrational than usual. It's been a crazy year so far for everybody but particularly in this circumstance too. 

[Kiki55]

52 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I will give some positive. We hear on this website over and over, if a MM will leave, he does so immediately. So you do have that in favor. I would question, for both of you, a lot of what you both have allowed to happen and go on. It seems reckless and selfish. That would make me question any potential mate for myself. But irrational love has people doing all sorts of dumb things. It is just sad as an outsider for all the innocent people in this path that you both have drug along. 

Your kids were exposed far too easily. And at some point, it wont take long before the piece together the pieces. Kids are smart. Especially teenagers. If you have sons, be careful.... they judge moms harshly, it seems. My son was not keen on me dating even after a divorce from his dad who was a cheater. 

I know, very reckless and irrational. As I've said on a previous comment. The lockdown has us acting even more irrational and reckless than usual. My children, although exposed quite soon, are aware of our relationship, they think he's a 'cool guy' I have quite a few friends and some that are male that before the Lockdown obviously, knows my children and act like uncles to them. Remember also that everybody's lifestyle is different too. They are also alot more interested in their own lives and  their friends, social media gaming etc than they are of my life. They see I'm happy and they say that's it and they are glad that I am (and their dad) are no longer unhappy together anymore.  

[Starswillshine]

4 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I know, very reckless and irrational. As I've said on a previous comment. The lockdown has us acting even more irrational and reckless than usual. My children, although exposed quite soon, are aware of our relationship, they think he's a 'cool guy' I have quite a few friends and some that are male that before the Lockdown obviously, knows my children and act like uncles to them. Remember also that everybody's lifestyle is different too. They are also alot more interested in their own lives and  their friends, social media gaming etc than they are of my life. They see I'm happy and they say that's it and they are glad that I am (and their dad) are no longer unhappy together anymore.  

I think you are being quite blaise about your kids. My son was 18 at the time. Though my husband and I divorced because my husband cheated on me, he still was super protective of me and wasnt happy with my dating. On the flip side, my older daughter will not talk to her dad because of his cheating ways. 

Just be careful with what sort of image you are portraying to your kids. I'm a mom... and this was something that was super important to me. My kids knew my SO for 8 years before we started dating. One kid knew him better than I did. Still.... we dating a full year before he started to come around. And he came around as a friend at first. Except kids... even the young ones... are not dumb. They saw through that one really quick. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kiki55]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I think you are being quite blaise about your kids. My son was 18 at the time. Though my husband and I divorced because my husband cheated on me, he still was super protective of me and wasnt happy with my dating. On the flip side, my older daughter will not talk to her dad because of his cheating ways. 

Just be careful with what sort of image you are portraying to your kids. I'm a mom... and this was something that was super important to me. My kids knew my SO for 8 years before we started dating. One kid knew him better than I did. Still.... we dating a full year before he started to come around. And he came around as a friend at first. Except kids... even the young ones... are not dumb. They saw through that one really quick. 

I do understand what you are saying, I spend alot of time talking to my kids about this situation and they genuinely have no concerns over him. My daughter teases me when I get a message from him and my son enjoys it when they both playfully 'gang up' on me and teases us by calling us "lovebirds" Kids are adaptable, it's adults that can struggle with change. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Allupinnit]

A friend of mine stayed angry at his father for YEARS after he abandoned them and their mom.  

Stuff like this is why people go to therapy and have commitment issues.  But hey as long as you're happy. Do your kids know that your new "friend" is married with his own kids?

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

A friend of mine stayed angry at his father for YEARS after he abandoned them and their mom.  

Stuff like this is why people go to therapy and have commitment issues.  But hey as long as you're happy. Do your kids know that your new "friend" is married with his own kids?

Yea they are aware, when discussed I said it was a similar situation to their Dad and me but lockdown has prevented him from moving out. I know my kids are OK and of course my concern lies with him and his kids. But they know they have separated, they know he is moving out, they just don't know about me, he intends to bring me into his life officially when the time time feel a right. I don't agree with this but I do see he has good intentions and jist doesn't want to cause even more hurt and upset. 

[Beca L]

I’m getting the impression your kids are very young. Am I correct ? Under 10? 
If that is the case then you may be lucky and that is why they are joking and being playful about it all. They probably don’t really understand what is happening. Do they not get on very well with their own dad your xH? It all seems quite surreal to them at the mo. 
I just want you to be aware that this could well be the calm before a massive storm. When your H and his BS and all the children find out the real reason their parents are no longer together then the s*** is going to hit the fan big time. 
just be prepared for some very hurt people and are you and MM ready to cope with that. For an extended period of time, 1 or even 2 years ?? It takes a great amount of resolve and belief in something better to get through all that mountain of pain, guilt and heartache. 

[anika99]

On 5/21/2020 at 11:34 AM, Kiki55 said:

To our colleagues, he has separated from her and we portray as a couple to them all now. Time will tell but this deadline will be the making or breaking, I needed this because this is killing me, as well as the unfairness on her, if this is all a ploy.  

You are making a series of bad choices here. First you say that your coworkers all know of your relationship with the MM. Bad move.If your MM ends up staying with his wife or going back to her you will feel humiliated in front of your colleagues. Also while they may be too politically correct to say anything to your face they will judge you for getting involved with a married man. This could damage your daily work life or your career opportunities. 

Then you decided to get him involved with your kids. Why are you bringing another man into their lives so quickly? Sure they may seem fine with it, most kids go with the flow and don't show outward distress and most kids want to make their parents happy. However not giving your kids time to adjust to the divorce and and their new family dynamic BEFORE bringing a new love interest into their lives will negatively impact them. You might not see the consequences right away, might take several months or even several years but at some point you will see the consequences of these poor decisions. 

Also you say that your MM is going to have everything finalized by June 5th. What exactly is going to be finalized? Is he going to be moved out by Jun 5th? If that's the case shouldn't he already have a place lined up and a lease signed? If everything is too be finalized by Jun 5th would that not mean that the wheels are already in motion? That he already has secured a place? Made a schedule for visitation with his kids? Arranged child support payments? Discussed finances with his wife? Hired movers? I mean you can't just do all of that stuff in one day so some of it must already be accomplished now right? 

We have seen this play out so many times on this board. MM tells OW he is going to leave on a certain date, then when the date comes along he claims to be working on it. Sometimes he even brings the OW along to look at apartments with him, but then some horrible ill-timed misfortune befalls the MM's family. Grandma dies, the dog gets cancer, wife needs surgery, etc. So the date gets pushed back, and the MM promises a new date. When the new date comes along it's the same song and dance, I'm working on it changes to OMG the cat has cataracts! I can't leave now. 

Good luck

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m getting the impression your kids are very young. Am I correct ? Under 10? 
If that is the case then you may be lucky and that is why they are joking and being playful about it all. They probably don’t really understand what is happening. Do they not get on very well with their own dad your xH? It all seems quite surreal to them at the mo. 
I just want you to be aware that this could well be the calm before a massive storm. When your H and his BS and all the children find out the real reason their parents are no longer together then the s*** is going to hit the fan big time. 
just be prepared for some very hurt people and are you and MM ready to cope with that. For an extended period of time, 1 or even 2 years ?? It takes a great amount of resolve and belief in something better to get through all that mountain of pain, guilt and heartache. 

All children are between 10 and 13. My children are very grown up for their age. They get on well with their dad and see him regularly. For my kids, the worst case scenario for them is that my MM doesn't commit and leaves their life. However in this instance, I still don't believe my kids will be all too impacted by this. My concern is for his children as of course, I do not know them however he states they are just like mine. Our kids are the exact same age but opposite sex. He says he does not worry too much about them impact wise, he  believes that he will get more genuine quality time with them in the long run.

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, anika99 said:

You are making a series of bad choices here. First you say that your coworkers all know of your relationship with the MM. Bad move.If your MM ends up staying with his wife or going back to her you will feel humiliated in front of your colleagues. Also while they may be too politically correct to say anything to your face they will judge you for getting involved with a married man. This could damage your daily work life or your career opportunities. 

Then you decided to get him involved with your kids. Why are you bringing another man into their lives so quickly? Sure they may seem fine with it, most kids go with the flow and don't show outward distress and most kids want to make their parents happy. However not giving your kids time to adjust to the divorce and and their new family dynamic BEFORE bringing a new love interest into their lives will negatively impact them. You might not see the consequences right away, might take several months or even several years but at some point you will see the consequences of these poor decisions. 

Also you say that your MM is going to have everything finalized by June 5th. What exactly is going to be finalized? Is he going to be moved out by Jun 5th? If that's the case shouldn't he already have a place lined up and a lease signed? If everything is too be finalized by Jun 5th would that not mean that the wheels are already in motion? That he already has secured a place? Made a schedule for visitation with his kids? Arranged child support payments? Discussed finances with his wife? Hired movers? I mean you can't just do all of that stuff in one day so some of it must already be accomplished now right? 

We have seen this play out so many times on this board. MM tells OW he is going to leave on a certain date, then when the date comes along he claims to be working on it. Sometimes he even brings the OW along to look at apartments with him, but then some horrible ill-timed misfortune befalls the MM's family. Grandma dies, the dog gets cancer, wife needs surgery, etc. So the date gets pushed back, and the MM promises a new date. When the new date comes along it's the same song and dance, I'm working on it changes to OMG the cat has cataracts! I can't leave now. 

Good luck

I know I have made a series of big mistakes here. Our colleagues know of him separated before we outed as a couple. We have a close team of friends who support us and in all honesty, they also have some skeletons as such I'm their closets. 

I am not expecting him to be moved out by that date but I am expecting him to have found somewhere and have a lease signed. He has been looking at apartments (peaking over his shoulder I've seen him doing so) but I don't want to be readily involved in that, I believe this is something he should do of his own accord. I am here and will be here to support him when he asks for it. He won't be requiring movers and the financial side he has already discussed with his W. In terms if the kids, there will be no formal visitation, just as there isn't with my kids. Both my kids talk with their Dad to arrange when they want to see him and will just say "hey mum, going to Dads, see you later" he/they will let me know when they get there and then let me know when they are coming home. I guess it will be a similar situation with my MM. 

[BaileyB]

I am upset for your kids. And to be clear, I wasn’t a child of divorce/affair but I had a parent who pushed their relationship on me because they were “giddy in love” with their head in the clouds and it really SUCKS! 

Your children are children, and you are asking them to deal with grown up issues. Your children are not grown up for their age - they are 10 and 13 years old. They take their cues from their mother and if you appear to them as you appear to us, they have no option BUT to support your decision because you are rushing head first off this cliff with a smile on your face. Kids love their parents, they want them to be happy, and they generally want harmony in the family home. Especially kids this age... but, kids are smart. They may not understand fully what has happened here yet but they will... You have rushed this whole relationship, you have rushed the introduction of this man to you children, and if this doesn’t have the fairytale ending you are hoping to find... you are going to rue these decisions. 

You really should not be looking to your children for approval. They shouldn’t be watching their still married mother share affection with a married man who is still living with his family in their family home. It’s not “cute” when they call you “lovebirds,” it’s disturbing. What does a 10 year old an a 13 year old know about love and the complexities of relationships - extramarital relationships.

Edited May 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

Let's talk about this timeline... 

 

This affair has been going on for 6 weeks. You left your husband within 2 weeks of that first kiss. So that leaves 4 weeks? 

In 4 weeks, your husband has moved out of your house and MM is coming over and playing stepdad? Girl, get your head out if your rear..... what the heck are you doing? 

It’s ridiculous, to even utter the words, “I’ve talked with my children and they are fine with this...”

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

i know this sounds harsh, but I find this really disturbing. 

Disturbing.... that is exactly what I thought as well. And sad. There is zero reason to rush this, and all the reasons to keep this away from the kids. Yet, selfishness gets in the way. And she will rationalize it by way of saying, "we are in love." I was in love, too. And as much as I wanted my kids to he involved in this new life, I knew I needed to wait. They needed to see mom being independent. They needed to see mom focus on them and only them. Not running off to some other man's bed to find happiness. Think of the standards it sets for the kids. 

And trust... maybe your daughter doesnt see it now.... but one day she will. And his daughter.... when she realizes he was cheating on mom...  kids have a special bond with mom. You dont f with mom. His kids will have issues with his. And possibly, your kids will hate you. Local affair story. Teenage kids found out their mom was having an affair... 2 of the 5 took off to social media to call their mom a w&#^÷. It was nasty. A year later, none of the 5 talk to their mom. 

[elaine567]

Are you getting a divorce?  
How is that going to pan out?
How are the assets going to be split?
 

[Miss Spider]

re thread title :  uh huh...oh yeah, suuuuuuuuuure. 

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

re thread title :  uh huh...oh yeah, suuuuuuuuuure. 

Right? 

OP, until he is actually moved out of the family home, he is not separated. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Disturbing.... that is exactly what I thought as well. And sad. There is zero reason to rush this, and all the reasons to keep this away from the kids. Yet, selfishness gets in the way. And she will rationalize it by way of saying, "we are in love." I was in love, too. 

I tell people on this board all the time, you will never regret waiting to introduce your children to your new partner. You will most certainly regret it if you move too fast and you don’t do it “well.”

Edited May 22, 2020 by BaileyB