Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 5/20/2020 at 10:54 AM, Kiki55 said:

I have read all the comments and I do accept I need to own my actions in terms of his children and wife. I know all of this sounds so clichè and after reading the comments earlier on, I have broached the subject with him again. This is not a 6 week love affair, we have been friends and colleagues for over 18 months as well. This man is like a mirror image of me. I know I sound delusional and come across as gulable and naive and maybe I am but I have today given him a deadline and he seems happy and has accepted it. This deadline is 2 weeks away, it may seem I have not given him enough time but this is something we have spoken about before. He has accepted the deadline to be in the process of moving out. His concern and reason for the delay so far has been due to the lockdown and the fact she is unable to see any of her friends and family. Financial concerns are not an issue, he is very stable in this field and able to support 2 homes. He does not worry for his kids as he believes it will be better for then in the long run instead of being in an ynhaooy home. I admit that how we have gone about this is all wrong but it has happened now. Just to clarify too, my husband and I are separated. I never cheated on him, I left him. My children adapted very well to the split and said we are both happier apart and I wish the same for my MM kids too. I guess I will continue to check in and update on this situation for those that either want to know if there is hope for a MM to leave and also if there is to be yet another typical heartbroken OW story to tell.   

Amazing how easily you blow off the kids.

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

It may be unattractive but it also shows weakness.
People who are desperate, people who are "in love", become needy and clingy when it seems they may not be getting what they want. They feel that they are on shaky ground and their instinct it to grab on. 
The other person seeing such behaviour knows they have the upper hand, and can then accept or dismiss those worries and concerns from the other, with impunity.
It is no skin off their nose they are then confident in their position. They have a person in front of them, that they know loves them.
Their ground just became more stable.

Here, the decision is in the hands of the MM.
He calls the shots as Kiki is "desperate"  to make this work..
It all depends on where his head is at as to how he reacts to clinginess.
Clinginess to a person who is all in, can make that person go all gooey and increase feelings of love.
But if a person is not all in or does not want to do what is requested then clinginess can be a great excuse to step back and blame the other for being too clingy.
"I would have left but your "clinginess" made me think again", when in reality they were never leaving...

He doesn't mind if I appear clingy, he can and does also appear clingy too.. if we never had the ties that we do/did the relationship itself would be perfect. I don't feel any shame in sending (for example) 100 messages to him at once and he also doesn't. He shows signs of playful jealousy and likes it if I get like that with him. But obviously, bring the W into it and then it becomes painful. He's continued our normal conversation today, told me to stick with my deadline date (that I had suggested) I know thst he has had many chats with his W about the separation and it's draining for him (he accepts that's what he needs to do, he isn't complaining about this) he said thst this weekend he just wanted to get away and forget about all this tension in his life for a few days. He will be back today and come Tuesday, I am expecting to see him seriously begin the moving out procesd. He said within the first couple of weeks of the split, he could see she was hopefully of reconciliation but he said she is certain now that this is not going to happen. The temperature of this situation has been rising and rising and it's so close to blowing. I don't have long to wait to know his true intentions so I am going to continue as I am. 

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

You know I actually had to come back to make a point because I found myself getting so angry about one point.

Your children are still going to school, they are mixing with children of people who work in hospitals, care givers etc, they are essentially quite high risk at catching or carrying the virus.

This MM who should be working at home thinks nothing of risking his family's lives every day he comes to meet you, every day he plays with your children and then goes home to interact with his own family.

The selfishness of both of you is astonishing to me, and yes I'm saying both because as a mother you should have been telling him to stay away until lockdown is over and we all have permission to move about freely.

I take it nobody got ill but if so that's by sheer luck and it's not over yet.

Look, not everybody believes what they see in the media. I am sceptical about the virus in general and there are many many people in the world that are. Everybody has an opinion but the surivial rate of this virus is very high. I'm not going to get into this but Please don't tell me I am being selfish by the way I am choosing to live my life. We don't all fall victim to scaremongering by the news. 

[Kiki55]

43 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Amazing how easily you blow off the kids.

I am not blowing off the kids

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

It may be unattractive but it also shows weakness.
People who are desperate, people who are "in love", become needy and clingy when it seems they may not be getting what they want. They feel that they are on shaky ground and their instinct it to grab on. 
The other person seeing such behaviour knows they have the upper hand, and can then accept or dismiss those worries and concerns from the other, with impunity.
It is no skin off their nose they are then confident in their position. They have a person in front of them, that they know loves them.
Their ground just became more stable.

Here, the decision is in the hands of the MM.
He calls the shots as Kiki is "desperate"  to make this work..
It all depends on where his head is at as to how he reacts to clinginess.
Clinginess to a person who is all in, can make that person go all gooey and increase feelings of love.
But if a person is not all in or does not want to do what is requested then clinginess can be a great excuse to step back and blame the other for being too clingy.
"I would have left but your "clinginess" made me think again", when in reality they were never leaving...

I do agree with this. Whilst overly clingy can be quite suffocating even if you are in love.. you need to show some need for them and this also shows commitment too. He actually comes across more clingy than me at times. 

Upset if I have fallen asleep without saying goodnight. 

If I have missed a message and left a delay between replies.

Gets playfully grumpy if I have to move away from his arm to use the bathroom or make a drink etc.  

I have faith in his love for me... But I am not sure he will be able to uproot his life for me and this is where my heartbreak lies right now. 

[Beca L]

41 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

He doesn't mind if I appear clingy, he can and does also appear clingy too.. if we never had the ties that we do/did the relationship itself would be perfect. I don't feel any shame in sending (for example) 100 messages to him at once and he also doesn't.

I recognise this so much in the early stages of my relationship with xMM. This is the limerence stage, you are both like a pair of teenagers and its not surprising as you may both have been starved of love and emotional intimacy for a long time. However that clinginess and lovey dovey behaviour does not = him taking the appropriate steps to leave his wife and family and start living on his own and planning a future with you. 

 

49 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

he has had many chats with his W about the separation and it's draining for him (he accepts that's what he needs to do, he isn't complaining about this) he said thst this weekend he just wanted to get away and forget about all this tension in his life for a few days.

This is typical of the conflict avoidant. The tension, pain and heartache is the inevitable outcome from a separation and when you are hurting your spouse and telling them you want to leave. Has he actually said to her that he is planning to move out yet ? I doubt that he has, he probably wants to leave it till the night before. This behaviour was typical of my xMM. 

Its always 'Poor old MM' he's going through a tough time, he needs to get away, it's too painful to keep discussing so I won't talk about it with BS for a few day. Delay, delay, putting off the discussions. It's draining !! Boo hoo 

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Beca L said:

However that clinginess and lovey dovey behaviour does not = him taking the appropriate steps to leave his wife and family and start living on his own and planning a future with you. 

It’s also not sustainable. 

Things are about to get REAL soon. He’s already telling you that the stress of separation is too much, he wants to escape. That stress is going to build, it’s not about to go away when he moves out. He will be dealing with the legalities of separation and divorce, custody arrangements, an ex-wife who is struggling, kids who are adapting, and a new woman who has her own expectations. It only gets worse if/when they learn he left to be with another woman. The lovey doves stuff is going to look trivial and insignificant when dealing with the real life experience of divorce. 

Edited May 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

I am not blowing off the kids

I'm talking about his kids. You were basically like: meh, they'll get used to it. 

[Zona]

Has he been to a solicitor yet to figure out the monetary cost of divorce?  Probably half of his assets, half of his pension, plus alimony and child support. There is also the issue of access to his children which may be severely curtailed in a divorce. These realities are often like a bucket of cold ice water to the face of a MM considering leaving his wife. 

Healthy romantic relationships are built on trust and respect, and they flow naturally without being forced, rushed or manipulated. Both partners are more or less on an equal footing in terms of power, control, and decision making.  When things are unbalanced and unequal, one partner may become overly clingy and desperate.

These kinds of things are pretty well universal although some people make unusual situations work long-term, but that is the exception. Thinking you are an exception to all these issues being pointed out here is a big gamble to say the least.

I would also caution against letting your guard down with covid. Media hype and panic notwithstanding, it is at least 2 to 3 times more deadly than the flu which makes it a real problem.

[Allupinnit]

I would hope that his wife has a heads up at least that he plans to leave on the 5th so that she can get her affairs in order as well.  She's going to need to start looking for a job.  I honestly can't believe that he's managed a double life for this long - it's going to come as quite a shock to everyone when she learns where he's really been "working" (when your kids meet they're going to find out).  Have you imagined this horrible fallout?  Your infidelity is going to be an undeniable fact of your story that EVERYONE will know about you.

I have never left moving logistics with such short notice.  Has he gone to look at any places yet?  

[pepperbird]

On 5/24/2020 at 12:26 PM, Zona said:

 

Healthy romantic relationships are built on trust and respect, and they flow naturally without being forced, rushed or manipulated. Both partners are more or less on an equal footing in terms of power, control, and decision making. 

 

It's interesting that you mention control and power in the relationship. Really, the OP is the one here with all the power. She holds this guy's life in her hands-she can choose to stay with him, walk away or even upend the apple cart completely and tell his wife. She has so much power over him, yet he's got her turned around and thinking she needs to wait to see what he's going to do.
OP,you have every right to set whatever parameters you wish for your relationship with this man. Don't move the goalposts just to accommodate him.

[BaileyB]

Are you doing ok Kiki?

[Kiki55]

Hello, I had to take a few days break from here, I noticed it was having a negative impact on my wellbeing and I'm currently already really fragile. We are continuing as normal but found myself becoming a bit standoffish with him. I don't want to be that for him right now. I believe he is going through it at home and if I'm wrong then at least I trusted somebody until proven otherwise. I want to be his calm during this storm. I don't intend on asking him how it is going. He knows I'm here to support if he needs it, I've told him that. He knows the date we will discuss our future and we have agreed on it and until then, I'm going to keep things as they are. One week tomorrow I will know what he has put in place. My friend said to be there if he needs me but let him sort his own 'circus' out. We have been loved up still and i know this may be the wrong thing to do but with 8 days to go... I might ad well stand my ground here and when/if he has not kept his end of this, I will walk away with my head held high, he won't be able to use an excuse that I've been offish with him, or I'm still pressuring him or he thinks I'm gonna be hardwork - I don't know, he's never said these things but he could do if he has been taking me for a ride, he will not have an excuse he can use on me.    

[Allupinnit]

So he's just going to keep you and his wife on pins and needles til June 5?  You're not even allowed to talk about it?!  

[Kiki55]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

So he's just going to keep you and his wife on pins and needles til June 5?  You're not even allowed to talk about it?!  

I guess so. It sounds worse than it is. It's a week practically. I don't even know what to expect or what I deem appropriate. For me, I want some certain proof that they have split up and he isn't just playing us both. Then I want some solid proof he is making moved at the very least to move out. Arranging viewings and proof he has discussed this with her too. This is all the very least. Anything less than this and I'm going NC until he's done something OR he could even turn around and say he can't do it, or admit he's not split. I really don't know what to expect. I'm trying to not let it bother me which is hard but had it of been a month away or something then I would go NC until then, it's hardly worth going NC now when he says he is "committed" to proving it to me and I've agreed. 

[Starswillshine]

Can he not file prior to having this all figured out? 

My exH and I worked through our own finances, etc ourselves, but I filed for divorce prior to us ironing out all the details. 

I dont know the laws where you are. I know some people who needed to wait a full year after filing before a divorce could be granted. 

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Can he not file prior to having this all figured out? 

My exH and I worked through our own finances, etc ourselves, but I filed for divorce prior to us ironing out all the details. 

I dont know the laws where you are. I know some people who needed to wait a full year after filing before a divorce could be granted. 

He could I guess. I've never once pressured him into seperating, he's done that of his own accord however now they have been separated several weeks and he still lives there hence now I am giving him this opportunity to prove he is serious about us. It hurts when he goes home every night to either play happy families (Something he says he isn't doing) or just in general, my mind wonders. I don't want to continue living like this. 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Kiki55

[Allupinnit]

Girl, there is no way in a week he's going to break it to his family that he's leaving.  He goes home every night keeping up the "Honey I'm home!" facade, as if returning from another long day at the office ready for dinner.  There is a reason he won't talk about the specifics with you - there aren't any.

Does it not bother you at all that he is capable of such deceit? 

[PhoenixRising8]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:48 AM, Kiki55 said:

he's very adamant that 5th June is when everything is going to be finalised

Kiki, my sense is that the goalpost has already moved from is everything will be finalised to we will discuss June 5.  If my experience is any measure, it's just the beginning of the goalpost moving time and time again.  My therapist told me to pay attention to the theory of N of 1, which in it's simplest terms equates to what a person does once, they are likely to repeat but I thought, well he was unprepared the first time he told her and this, that and the other had to be addressed first so another few weeks isn't going to kill me and a few weeks turned into a few months and a few more.  Then we broke up because he wanted another extension and i rhymed off all the reasons why the next goalpost and the next and next would come and go: daughter's birthday, starting school, BS's birthday, exams, christmas holidays etc.  He didn't put up much of an argument.

Like you, I didn't pressure him to leave and in fact was surprised when he went home one day and just told her he wanted to separate. She of course was insistent they needed to talk and how could he refuse after 28+ years of marriage. They had been in separate bedrooms for several years (confirmed by BS in my conversations with her in March), so their marriage truly wasn't much of one, primarily roommates.  He never actually lied to me the first 14 months we were together that I could confirm. The cycle of I'm leaving, I have to talk to convince her and so on began.  About 5 months after we broke up I found him on a dating website and catfished him for a few days before telling him I would out him to BS.  I believed I had thwarted his efforts for another affair.  That ended our communication.  About a month later, after months of NC, he messaged me about how remorseful he was for what he put me through and how he wished he hadn't been so indecisive because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.  I agreed to be friends with him, communicating occasionally and we met up for a few coffees over a three month period.  But I was clear, we would not fall back into a PA. In January, he sent me his draft separation agreement and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and making me the centre of his universe.  A few days later, he told me he was actually involved in another affair, which he denied 3 months earlier when I asked him if he followed through.  He was going to confess all to BS, which he did and she chucked him out.  

I was livid.  He had now strung me along for another 3 months and I let loose my anger.  My parting words were "good bye and good riddance loser".  A week later, he called me in tears that he regrets the second affair, that it was always me but he thought I wouldn't give him another chance blah, blah, blah.  Stupidly, I agreed to give him the chance to redeem himself.  That lasted 6 weeks before I said I'm done.  That was 3 months ago.  I have come to realise that it was all about being there for him, tending to his needs, wants and desires and now that I needed him to be patient and prove himself because after all, there had been an OOW, he couldn't reciprocate.  He's now trying to win her back and she's giving him the airspace even knowing that almost immediately after separating, he left her for his original AP.  Yes, I told her.  She thought he was staying with BS, he didn't correct her.  Meanwhile, BS is trying to win him back, prize that he is.

There is a reason why if men are truly going to leave, they do so quickly.  It's because they are decisive, they aren't comfortable with lying and deceiving, and despite being involved in an affair, they actually do have some measure of character and integrity and they don't want to string 2 women (or more) along so they do the right thing of ending one or the other.  Once they start moving the goalpost and are allowed to do so, they keep doing it because it's so easy.  Both women are working hard to keep him.  What an ego boost!  I suspect he may ultimately go back to BS.  He isn't going to be happy living in a 10X10 room he's renting in a house, trying to win back someone who trusts him less than I did.  His kids know what he's done and are being polite when they have to interact with him, but they do not initiate contact.  He actually thinks they will accept OOW when they can't even accept him. 

A few weeks back OOW emailed me saying he hadn't been in touch for a few days and so she assumed he was trying to win me back.  Her last words to me were "Please, please keep him".  I couldn't resist forwarding that to him with laughing emojis.  He's treating her worse than he treated me.  It won't last.  He has shown who he has become, and it isn't who I fell in love with.   At least he never disappeared on me and the first 8 months I was his priority.  When he had to chose between doing something for BS or me, it was always me.  

All this to say, you've only a few days to wait, but please don't tolerate him deferring or putting things off because he will keep doing it. Do not convince yourself a few more weeks won't kill you because they will give him permission to do it again and again. The pandemic is a perfect excuse for not moving but people are still managing to do so.

Good luck KiKi

 

Kat

[PhoenixRising8]

4 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I had to take a few days break from here, I noticed it was having a negative impact on my wellbeing

I felt the same way too.  Wondered if LS and all the naysayers weren't leading me to a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Truth is, it got to me because it hit nerves I was ignoring.  I was ignoring my intuition and LS was bringing it to the forefront.  Listen to your inner voice.  I'd bet it's telling you the same thing we posters are.

[BaileyB]

Since it is only a few days and you are committed to seeing this through, I will say... I would do this once, and only once.

You do teach people how to treat you and if he shows up on June 5th with a long list of reasons why he needs an extension... we’ll, you have allowed him to kick the can down the road and you will have set a precedent for your relationship...

[simpycurious]

13 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

Kiki, my sense is that the goalpost has already moved from is everything will be finalised to we will discuss June 5.  If my experience is any measure, it's just the beginning of the goalpost moving time and time again.  My therapist told me to pay attention to the theory of N of 1, which in it's simplest terms equates to what a person does once, they are likely to repeat but I thought, well he was unprepared the first time he told her and this, that and the other had to be addressed first so another few weeks isn't going to kill me and a few weeks turned into a few months and a few more.  Then we broke up because he wanted another extension and i rhymed off all the reasons why the next goalpost and the next and next would come and go: daughter's birthday, starting school, BS's birthday, exams, christmas holidays etc.  He didn't put up much of an argument.

Like you, I didn't pressure him to leave and in fact was surprised when he went home one day and just told her he wanted to separate. She of course was insistent they needed to talk and how could he refuse after 28+ years of marriage. They had been in separate bedrooms for several years (confirmed by BS in my conversations with her in March), so their marriage truly wasn't much of one, primarily roommates.  He never actually lied to me the first 14 months we were together that I could confirm. The cycle of I'm leaving, I have to talk to convince her and so on began.  About 5 months after we broke up I found him on a dating website and catfished him for a few days before telling him I would out him to BS.  I believed I had thwarted his efforts for another affair.  That ended our communication.  About a month later, after months of NC, he messaged me about how remorseful he was for what he put me through and how he wished he hadn't been so indecisive because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.  I agreed to be friends with him, communicating occasionally and we met up for a few coffees over a three month period.  But I was clear, we would not fall back into a PA. In January, he sent me his draft separation agreement and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and making me the centre of his universe.  A few days later, he told me he was actually involved in another affair, which he denied 3 months earlier when I asked him if he followed through.  He was going to confess all to BS, which he did and she chucked him out.  

I was livid.  He had now strung me along for another 3 months and I let loose my anger.  My parting words were "good bye and good riddance loser".  A week later, he called me in tears that he regrets the second affair, that it was always me but he thought I wouldn't give him another chance blah, blah, blah.  Stupidly, I agreed to give him the chance to redeem himself.  That lasted 6 weeks before I said I'm done.  That was 3 months ago.  I have come to realise that it was all about being there for him, tending to his needs, wants and desires and now that I needed him to be patient and prove himself because after all, there had been an OOW, he couldn't reciprocate.  He's now trying to win her back and she's giving him the airspace even knowing that almost immediately after separating, he left her for his original AP.  Yes, I told her.  She thought he was staying with BS, he didn't correct her.  Meanwhile, BS is trying to win him back, prize that he is.

There is a reason why if men are truly going to leave, they do so quickly.  It's because they are decisive, they aren't comfortable with lying and deceiving, and despite being involved in an affair, they actually do have some measure of character and integrity and they don't want to string 2 women (or more) along so they do the right thing of ending one or the other.  Once they start moving the goalpost and are allowed to do so, they keep doing it because it's so easy.  Both women are working hard to keep him.  What an ego boost!  I suspect he may ultimately go back to BS.  He isn't going to be happy living in a 10X10 room he's renting in a house, trying to win back someone who trusts him less than I did.  His kids know what he's done and are being polite when they have to interact with him, but they do not initiate contact.  He actually thinks they will accept OOW when they can't even accept him. 

A few weeks back OOW emailed me saying he hadn't been in touch for a few days and so she assumed he was trying to win me back.  Her last words to me were "Please, please keep him".  I couldn't resist forwarding that to him with laughing emojis.  He's treating her worse than he treated me.  It won't last.  He has shown who he has become, and it isn't who I fell in love with.   At least he never disappeared on me and the first 8 months I was his priority.  When he had to chose between doing something for BS or me, it was always me.  

All this to say, you've only a few days to wait, but please don't tolerate him deferring or putting things off because he will keep doing it. Do not convince yourself a few more weeks won't kill you because they will give him permission to do it again and again. The pandemic is a perfect excuse for not moving but people are still managing to do so.

Good luck KiKi

 

Kat

How in the world could the GUY juggle ALL of those women at once?  If it's not rude to ask, how old is he?, does he work?, did he really think he could get away with ALL OF THAT?  

Also, why would ANY woman who has a LOT going for herself agree to be SECOND STRING?  Sorry for the sports reference but that is my world.

[Kiki55]

14 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

Kiki, my sense is that the goalpost has already moved from is everything will be finalised to we will discuss June 5.  If my experience is any measure, it's just the beginning of the goalpost moving time and time again.  My therapist told me to pay attention to the theory of N of 1, which in it's simplest terms equates to what a person does once, they are likely to repeat but I thought, well he was unprepared the first time he told her and this, that and the other had to be addressed first so another few weeks isn't going to kill me and a few weeks turned into a few months and a few more.  Then we broke up because he wanted another extension and i rhymed off all the reasons why the next goalpost and the next and next would come and go: daughter's birthday, starting school, BS's birthday, exams, christmas holidays etc.  He didn't put up much of an argument.

Like you, I didn't pressure him to leave and in fact was surprised when he went home one day and just told her he wanted to separate. She of course was insistent they needed to talk and how could he refuse after 28+ years of marriage. They had been in separate bedrooms for several years (confirmed by BS in my conversations with her in March), so their marriage truly wasn't much of one, primarily roommates.  He never actually lied to me the first 14 months we were together that I could confirm. The cycle of I'm leaving, I have to talk to convince her and so on began.  About 5 months after we broke up I found him on a dating website and catfished him for a few days before telling him I would out him to BS.  I believed I had thwarted his efforts for another affair.  That ended our communication.  About a month later, after months of NC, he messaged me about how remorseful he was for what he put me through and how he wished he hadn't been so indecisive because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.  I agreed to be friends with him, communicating occasionally and we met up for a few coffees over a three month period.  But I was clear, we would not fall back into a PA. In January, he sent me his draft separation agreement and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and making me the centre of his universe.  A few days later, he told me he was actually involved in another affair, which he denied 3 months earlier when I asked him if he followed through.  He was going to confess all to BS, which he did and she chucked him out.  

I was livid.  He had now strung me along for another 3 months and I let loose my anger.  My parting words were "good bye and good riddance loser".  A week later, he called me in tears that he regrets the second affair, that it was always me but he thought I wouldn't give him another chance blah, blah, blah.  Stupidly, I agreed to give him the chance to redeem himself.  That lasted 6 weeks before I said I'm done.  That was 3 months ago.  I have come to realise that it was all about being there for him, tending to his needs, wants and desires and now that I needed him to be patient and prove himself because after all, there had been an OOW, he couldn't reciprocate.  He's now trying to win her back and she's giving him the airspace even knowing that almost immediately after separating, he left her for his original AP.  Yes, I told her.  She thought he was staying with BS, he didn't correct her.  Meanwhile, BS is trying to win him back, prize that he is.

There is a reason why if men are truly going to leave, they do so quickly.  It's because they are decisive, they aren't comfortable with lying and deceiving, and despite being involved in an affair, they actually do have some measure of character and integrity and they don't want to string 2 women (or more) along so they do the right thing of ending one or the other.  Once they start moving the goalpost and are allowed to do so, they keep doing it because it's so easy.  Both women are working hard to keep him.  What an ego boost!  I suspect he may ultimately go back to BS.  He isn't going to be happy living in a 10X10 room he's renting in a house, trying to win back someone who trusts him less than I did.  His kids know what he's done and are being polite when they have to interact with him, but they do not initiate contact.  He actually thinks they will accept OOW when they can't even accept him. 

A few weeks back OOW emailed me saying he hadn't been in touch for a few days and so she assumed he was trying to win me back.  Her last words to me were "Please, please keep him".  I couldn't resist forwarding that to him with laughing emojis.  He's treating her worse than he treated me.  It won't last.  He has shown who he has become, and it isn't who I fell in love with.   At least he never disappeared on me and the first 8 months I was his priority.  When he had to chose between doing something for BS or me, it was always me.  

All this to say, you've only a few days to wait, but please don't tolerate him deferring or putting things off because he will keep doing it. Do not convince yourself a few more weeks won't kill you because they will give him permission to do it again and again. The pandemic is a perfect excuse for not moving but people are still managing to do so.

Good luck KiKi

 

Kat

Hi Kat,

Thank You for sharing your story with me. I promised myself (and him I guess) that I wouldn't bring it up now until Friday but after he went in a playful strop about how I had deleted some conversation history of ours off my phone I decided to playfully tease him about this situation but it turned heartfelt. I told him thatI am concerned he will think I am bluffing and not actually do anything. I said to him how I bet he hasn't got anything lined up yet and he said "Well you don't know that" I said "No because I'm not allowed to talk about it" we discussed things a bit more and I asked if he wanted to know what I would be happy with, he said yes... so I told him that at the very least, I want proof that they have actually split and either him moved out of proof that he has taken all possible steps, I.e. arranged viewings etc. With working full time still I understand that 2 weeks was short notice but he shouldn't of agreed to it if he didn't think it was feasible. It's not like he doesn't have the money. It was a bit sad for the last hour after this conversation and when he left I sent him a really long message about my love for him and how I will not have a choice but to end this for my own sanity etc etc. I told him I would leave him alone this weekend (we rarely go an hour without a message) if he needs time to think and said he doesn't even need to resond to my message. It's now been 2 hours since I sent this message so I am on tenter hooks right now feeling like my whole heart is in the balance. I guess what will be will be and if he hasn't got the backbone to even 'deal' with my emotional needs and my long emotional messages then he truly isn't worth it (this is words however my heart is breaking so much right now) 

[Kiki55]

14 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Girl, there is no way in a week he's going to break it to his family that he's leaving.  He goes home every night keeping up the "Honey I'm home!" facade, as if returning from another long day at the office ready for dinner.  There is a reason he won't talk about the specifics with you - there aren't any.

Does it not bother you at all that he is capable of such deceit? 

He said they know he is leaving, just not finalised it yet. 

I know, I'm foolish. 

[Bittersweetie]

14 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

I felt the same way too.  Wondered if LS and all the naysayers weren't leading me to a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Truth is, it got to me because it hit nerves I was ignoring.  I was ignoring my intuition and LS was bringing it to the forefront.  Listen to your inner voice.  I'd bet it's telling you the same thing we posters are.

In my almost ten years on this site, I have learned that the posts that piss me off the most are usually touching a nerve I need to examine. There's nothing like LS to bring all those hidden nerves to the forefront!