Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I told him I would leave him alone this weekend (we rarely go an hour without a message) if he needs time to think and said he doesn't even need to resond to my message. It's now been 2 hours since I sent this message so I am on tenter hooks right now...

What does this even mean. You poured your heart out to him, told him clearly what you expected and then went way farther than I would have gone to assure him that you love him and you want to be together... and he says, “he doesn’t even need to respond to your message” and then goes silent? 

Thats very dismissive. If he was actually planning to move out, this would have been his opportunity to ease your fears and calm your anxiety, by sharing the things he has been working on to prepare. But instead, he dismissed your feelings and left you feeling anxious and wondering... am I reading this right Kiki? Because, if this is what happened it is not good... it’s cruel to do to another person. 

I’m sorry. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

27 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I told him I would leave him alone this weekend (we rarely go an hour without a message) if he needs time to think and said he doesn't even need to resond to my message. It's now been 2 hours since I sent this message so I am on tenter hooks right now feeling like my whole heart is in the balance.

what does that say about his concern about your feelings and needs?  In the beginning when his leaving talk started, my xMM would have called immediately.  After a few months I noticed it wasn't an immediate response.  He said he was getting tired of having to reassure me and would get upset that I had so little faith.  He turned it around on me where he never did that.  I'm seeing the same in your future, sadly.

[Kiki55]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What does this even mean. You poured your heart out to him, told him clearly what you expected and then went way farther than I would have gone to assure him that you love him and you want to be together... and he says, “he doesn’t even need to respond to your message” and then goes silent? 

Thats very dismissive. If he was actually planning to move out, this would have been his opportunity to ease your fears and calm your anxiety, by sharing the things he has been working on to prepare. But instead, he dismissed your feelings and left you feeling anxious and wondering... am I reading this right Kiki? Because, if this is what happened it is not good... it’s cruel to do to another person. 

I’m sorry. 

I'm sorry I didn't clarify properly, I said to him that he didn't need to respond, he didn't say that. But everything else you have said, yes. I agree. 2.5 hours passed. This is the longest we haven't spoke. I know I've told him I'd leave him to think but if that was me, I'd of been reassuring him straight away. No silence like this. Perhaps he's busy, who knows. I've not felt this hurt for a very long time. I will keep you posted. 

 

Thank you 

[Kiki55]

7 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

what does that say about his concern about your feelings and needs?  In the beginning when his leaving talk started, my xMM would have called immediately.  After a few months I noticed it wasn't an immediate response.  He said he was getting tired of having to reassure me and would get upset that I had so little faith.  He turned it around on me where he never did that.  I'm seeing the same in your future, sadly.

My gut is telling me the same thing. If it's right then at least I didn't let this continue even further. This is going to break me but better now then further down the line... no consolation right now though 

[Amethyst68]

I must admit I'm slightly confused. In all your earlier posts it sounded like it was a definite thing that he would be moving out on that date. Now as it's getting closer it seems like he has to be doing less and less.

Anyone can ring up or email an estate agent to get some brochures, it's the easiest thing the world. I used to work with someone who used to go view houses as a hobby, they had no intention of moving.

In house separation is one of the hardest things to prove. 

I guess only time will tell, of course if he was being honest with his wife there'd be no need for all this secrecy. If he was moving out he'd be able to make his plans in the open.

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I must admit I'm slightly confused. In all your earlier posts it sounded like it was a definite thing that he would be moving out on that date. Now as it's getting closer it seems like he has to be doing less and less.

Anyone can ring up or email an estate agent to get some brochures, it's the easiest thing the world. I used to work with someone who used to go view houses as a hobby, they had no intention of moving.

In house separation is one of the hardest things to prove. 

I guess only time will tell, of course if he was being honest with his wife there'd be no need for all this secrecy. If he was moving out he'd be able to make his plans in the open.

I guess over the last week since being on LS I have questioned myself and I've questioned him. I feel in my gut even more so that he is going to let me down. 3.5 hours with no contact from him, we don't go more than an hour usually so something is definetly wrong now. I guess my heartache starts right here. My kids are here, in their rooms and I have had to come to my bedroom so they don't catch me crying. What a fool I am 

[BaileyB]

You have placed your trust unwisely. People do it all the time. From this experience you will gain wisdom, something that will help you in all your future relationships. Chin up! You will get through this, whatever happens. 

The thing I most want you to think about right now - if he comes back, really think hard about whether you want this in your life - for you, and your children. Do you really want to chose a man who is capable of making you feel the way you are feeling right now for your life partner? 

Edited May 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

I don't mean this dismissively, but the agreed upon date is June 5th, isn't it?  If actions speak louder than words, then let things play out.  You told him what you need.  He knows what you need.  Also, you told him that he doesn't need to respond if he needs time off to figure things out....so that's what he's doing.  Don't second guess everything.  It'll only drive up your anxiety level.  If he doesn't follow through, you'll have a slightly easier time moving on too.  Let things play itself out and you'll know your truth then.  

Edited May 29, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Kiki55]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You have placed your trust unwisely. People do it all the time. From this experience you will gain wisdom, something that will help you in all your future relationships. Chin up! You will get through this, whatever happens. 

The thing I most want you to think about right now - if he comes back, really think hard about whether you want this in your life - for you, and your children. Do you really want to chose a man who is capable of making you feel the way you are feeling right now for your life partner? 

That's a very fair statement. I'm usually such a strong person, never fall like this.. I have stopped crying and come to get some sun in the garden with a beer, I'm still checking my phone every 5 minutes but it's a bit of progress. 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I don't mean this dismissively, but the agreed upon date is June 5th, isn't it?  If actions speak louder than words, then let things play out.  You told him what you need.  He knows what you need.  Also, you told him that he doesn't need to respond if he needs time off to figure things out....so that's what he's doing.  Don't second guess everything right now.  It'll only drive up your anxiety level.  Let things play itself out, and you'll know your truth then. 

Yeah, I guess because I haven't been this long without hearing from him I've automatically assumed it's over. Highly unlikely but he could be discussing moving out with his W, could be trying to make plans l, who knows.... I certainly don't so no point in speculating just yet. May sound silly but if I don't get a goodnight message from him, I will definetly assume the worst then, he's very adamant about doing this. 

[Crazelnut]

Even if he does conjure up some proof that he did "something," you will always know in your heart that he only did it because you pressured him and gave him an ultimatum. He didn't do any of this of his own volition. 

[Allupinnit]

*sigh* Kiki55 - you're having to do the "pick me" dance with him now.  Holding his feet to the fire to bust up his family so that you can have your basic needs met in a relationship.

Unfortunately this is what it comes down to.  OW get fed up being second fiddle, start wanting more (understandably, you fell for him), now you're all anxious because he's choosing to ignore you.  I highly doubt he's discussing things with his W.  He just knows he can't honestly tell you what you want to hear about next week.  

I want to give you a big hug because I know how hurt you're feeling right now.  I don't want to pile on to the hurt.  You are worthy, I promise.  You just fell for this guy's BS, and now are going to have an incredibly hard time disentangling yourself.  I wouldn't let that man step back into your home with your children until you've seen his new place.

 

[Kiki55]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

*sigh* Kiki55 - you're having to do the "pick me" dance with him now.  Holding his feet to the fire to bust up his family so that you can have your basic needs met in a relationship.

Unfortunately this is what it comes down to.  OW get fed up being second fiddle, start wanting more (understandably, you fell for him), now you're all anxious because he's choosing to ignore you.  I highly doubt he's discussing things with his W.  He just knows he can't honestly tell you what you want to hear about next week.  

I want to give you a big hug because I know how hurt you're feeling right now.  I don't want to pile on to the hurt.  You are worthy, I promise.  You just fell for this guy's BS, and now are going to have an incredibly hard time disentangling yourself.  I wouldn't let that man step back into your home with your children until you've seen his new place.

 

He has just messaged me saying his brother is round and he doesn't want to give a 'half arsed' reply to my message, he said he will message me when he's gone. It could be him telling me it's the end or reassuring and promising the world. All I know is that the way he affects my mood is insane! How can somebody have you so worked up like this, controlling all your thoughts. This time next week (if not sooner) I will know and be able to make a decision, the ball will be in my court and although I am madly in love with him, I can't continue like this, I know my worth and if this is all lies both me and his wife deserve better. I guess the saga continues for now... 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Even if he does conjure up some proof that he did "something," you will always know in your heart that he only did it because you pressured him and gave him an ultimatum. He didn't do any of this of his own volition. 

So true! Because, if it was by his own volition, there wouldn’t be this secrecy...

You are trying so hard to be a good person, a good “girlfriend.” You are trying not to pressure him, you are giving him space, you are trying to encourage him to do what he needs to do and make his own decision... and he is not reciprocating in kind. Why the secrecy? Why is he not talking to you? Why the need to wait until June 5th? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... I can’t help but think that if he had something to show you, he wouldn’t leave you hanging like this. 

Sure, he is doing what you told him he could do - talking the time he needs without having to communicate with you. But, he should want to communicate with you - to ease your doubts, calm your fears, reassure you that all will be well...

But then of course, when he texts you again... he could say all the right things, but can you actually believe him? It’s a hard place to be. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Kiki55]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So true! Because, if it was by his own volition, there wouldn’t be this secrecy...

You are trying so hard to be a good person, a good “girlfriend.” You are trying not to pressure him, you are giving him space, you are trying to encourage him to do what he needs to do and make his own decision... and he is not reciprocating in kind. Why the secrecy? Why is he not talking to you? Why the need to wait until June 5th? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... I can’t help but think that if he had something to show you, he wouldn’t leave you hanging like this. 

Sure, he is doing what you told him he could do - talking the time he needs without having to communicate with you. But, he should want to communicate with you - to ease your doubts, calm your fears, reassure you that all will be well...

But then of course, when he texts you again... he could say all the right things, but can you actually believe him? It’s a hard place to be. 

He is a man's man. Rarely shows feelings, tells me he's never felt jealousy in his life until me, never enjoyed a woman's company for more than sexual things really until me, never sent more than a couple of texts a day to a woman until... you guessed it..... me. 🙄

He has messaged an hour age and said his brother is round and didn't wanna send a half arsed reply... Will message when he's gone. So I guess I will wait and see what he has to say. I don't want to fall out with him so close to June 5th. I want to keep things good until then, then I know I kept my end of the bargain here and he won't be able to use anything I have said or done as a reason to split (if this is his intention) he will have to come clean and admit what a cowardly, manipulative cheating a**h*** he really is... (again if this is his intention) then I know I can walk away with my head held (relatively) high knowing I have had a lucky escape. 

[Allupinnit]

He may feel all of those things in the moment but when he gets home he's back to being a husband and dad.  I hate that you don't feel you can rock the boat.  The power imbalance in an affair is greatly skewed.  This is your life, Kiki.  You can take it back at ANY moment.  He already has a life I don't think he's ready to walk away from.  I'm sorry!

 

[Lurker123]

Hey Kiki. Hope you’re ok. Sorry to hear what you’re going through today, the emotional rollercoaster is the worst part. The fact that one person can affect and dictate your mood - and how you can go from feeling your life is literally over when they don’t reply to a text, to feeling complete and utter relief/happiness when they finally do, is a feeling I remember well. I also remember going to my bedroom or the shower to cry so my children wouldn’t see mum upset. The fact I took away from them so much during my A still haunts me now. 
 

I understand your point about waiting until June 5th. I honestly can. But at the same time I can see how much power this guy holds over you. This is a man you want to get into a long term relationship with, share your life with, perhaps a home and finances in the future. Let your children interact with and also interact with his children. Why then is he being so secretive? Surely if this was happening and he had ended his relationship with BS, he should be able to talk open and honestly with you, not just asking you to not bring it up until June 5th. Why that date exactly? He that the day that his BS signs the separation agreement, is that the day he signs a new tenancy? Or is this just the day that he ‘potentially’ might start making a few changes? Leaving your wife, family home, finances, finding a new place doesn’t happen overnight- it’s a long process and if he was genuinely doing it and going through it, it wouldn’t be black and white. Surely he should be discussing this with you? Why is he not saying ‘what do you think of this apartment?’ Why is he not giving you the facts of where his relationship is at with BS? Is he planning to move out, gradually start things with you and hope she never finds out? I’m not asking these questions to be unkind, I just genuinely don’t understand. 
 

my worry for you is that June 5th will come round, the date that YOU see as the date you can finally have him, the date he will be free. I really do think that when this date comes round there is going to be another line of excuses. I hope for your sake there’s not, but I’ve been there and done that, so I’m sorry if I’m being cynical 😕 My MM very much used to ‘pacify’ me. He would give me a story about how bad things were at home, then continue to go back there every night. He would then say he wanted to be with me ‘but now was a bad time’ he effectively drip fed me hope over a period of about a year- and because I was desperate to be with him- I took it- and at the same time unknowingly lowered my expectations until the end, when he pretty much had me eating out of his hand and never asking questions for fear of driving him away. He also loved the fun times, the banter, the sex, the jokes, the laughter, but as soon as I sent a lengthy emotional message he would either ignore it or not reply for hours. It was like as soon as I brought up anything serious he would pull away. Subconsciously I noticed this and of course did it less- meaning again my expectations were lowered without me even realising. I became a shell of myself- living for this guys attention- he knew I could meet someone else- he just never let me go enough so that I could. 
 

i would just advise you to be wary. The advice on here is spot on- although I understand a lot of it hard to read. I too would try and look past the negative comments- thinking ‘but we’re different! He loves me! We’re soulmates!’ But actually every post on here you read is the same and the posters have a lot of experience over the years of seeing this and seeing the red flags. 
 

I think for me a ‘lightbulb’ moment was a friend of mine started seeing a guy who was married with 2 kids (his relationship was over, sleeping on sofa etc- I rolled my eyes when she told me). She said the same things.. soulmate, life partner, connection etc. The difference was, within two weeks of them meeting and realising they had something special- this guy had left the family home, started to sort his finances with his wife, moved to his mums and sorted a schedule for when he was seeing his kids. This proved to me that if the guy is genuinely unhappy and wants to be with you- HE WILL. All those excuses and reasons and delaying are actually just that- if he wants you in his life-  you would be there. 

[Kiki55]

13 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hey Kiki. Hope you’re ok. Sorry to hear what you’re going through today, the emotional rollercoaster is the worst part. The fact that one person can affect and dictate your mood - and how you can go from feeling your life is literally over when they don’t reply to a text, to feeling complete and utter relief/happiness when they finally do, is a feeling I remember well. I also remember going to my bedroom or the shower to cry so my children wouldn’t see mum upset. The fact I took away from them so much during my A still haunts me now. 
 

I understand your point about waiting until June 5th. I honestly can. But at the same time I can see how much power this guy holds over you. This is a man you want to get into a long term relationship with, share your life with, perhaps a home and finances in the future. Let your children interact with and also interact with his children. Why then is he being so secretive? Surely if this was happening and he had ended his relationship with BS, he should be able to talk open and honestly with you, not just asking you to not bring it up until June 5th. Why that date exactly? He that the day that his BS signs the separation agreement, is that the day he signs a new tenancy? Or is this just the day that he ‘potentially’ might start making a few changes? Leaving your wife, family home, finances, finding a new place doesn’t happen overnight- it’s a long process and if he was genuinely doing it and going through it, it wouldn’t be black and white. Surely he should be discussing this with you? Why is he not saying ‘what do you think of this apartment?’ Why is he not giving you the facts of where his relationship is at with BS? Is he planning to move out, gradually start things with you and hope she never finds out? I’m not asking these questions to be unkind, I just genuinely don’t understand. 
 

my worry for you is that June 5th will come round, the date that YOU see as the date you can finally have him, the date he will be free. I really do think that when this date comes round there is going to be another line of excuses. I hope for your sake there’s not, but I’ve been there and done that, so I’m sorry if I’m being cynical 😕 My MM very much used to ‘pacify’ me. He would give me a story about how bad things were at home, then continue to go back there every night. He would then say he wanted to be with me ‘but now was a bad time’ he effectively drip fed me hope over a period of about a year- and because I was desperate to be with him- I took it- and at the same time unknowingly lowered my expectations until the end, when he pretty much had me eating out of his hand and never asking questions for fear of driving him away. He also loved the fun times, the banter, the sex, the jokes, the laughter, but as soon as I sent a lengthy emotional message he would either ignore it or not reply for hours. It was like as soon as I brought up anything serious he would pull away. Subconsciously I noticed this and of course did it less- meaning again my expectations were lowered without me even realising. I became a shell of myself- living for this guys attention- he knew I could meet someone else- he just never let me go enough so that I could. 
 

i would just advise you to be wary. The advice on here is spot on- although I understand a lot of it hard to read. I too would try and look past the negative comments- thinking ‘but we’re different! He loves me! We’re soulmates!’ But actually every post on here you read is the same and the posters have a lot of experience over the years of seeing this and seeing the red flags. 
 

I think for me a ‘lightbulb’ moment was a friend of mine started seeing a guy who was married with 2 kids (his relationship was over, sleeping on sofa etc- I rolled my eyes when she told me). She said the same things.. soulmate, life partner, connection etc. The difference was, within two weeks of them meeting and realising they had something special- this guy had left the family home, started to sort his finances with his wife, moved to his mums and sorted a schedule for when he was seeing his kids. This proved to me that if the guy is genuinely unhappy and wants to be with you- HE WILL. All those excuses and reasons and delaying are actually just that- if he wants you in his life-  you would be there. 

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am definetly on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So his response yesterday after his brother had gone said that, he reacts the way he does for 2 reasons 1) because he isn't one for talking about emotions and feelings. 2) he feels any reassurance he gives me at this moment I will not be satisfied with as I will reply "It's just words" he then added that he is concerned about how I will react when he has to remain 'single' for sometime and I won't be able to be in his life I.e. meet his family etc. 

I have stressed to him a few times how I hate that none of them know about me, I guess it's understandable. For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? And to add insult to that, I am his age. So if she found out that he had left her and now with somebody his age it would hurt that little bit deeper. 

The conversation continued a little bit and he said he knows words don't cut it anymore.. He said the connection/chemistry/love is mutual between us and I said that even with that, that doesn't mean that he will do what it takes to be with me. He asked me to give him time to prove it, I told him he's got 7 days. I kept it short after that, told him I was going bed (at 9pm) to end the conversation. He sent me a message when he went to bed saying "Goodnight my Love" I didn't respond, he then sent me a good morning text at 6am, I didn't respond until 8am and just said good morning, he is now asking my plans for the day... I'm not responding yet - usually I'm dropping everything but not anymore....

He's not going to get the best out of me these next 6 days, he has had the best, he knows what our relationship is usually like, if he wants it back to how it was then he needs to step up with something credible on 5th June. 

[Kiki55]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

So he’s shutting you down and seems to be punishing you when you suddenly demand some respect and action from him to change things... 

it’s not the greatest sign - but why wouldn’t he be attempting to consider how you must be feeling now? He COULD BE giving you evidence of change and handing you peace of mind - but he simply isn’t.

i am hoping you’re working with a therapist  now to try and understand how to change your perspective... because you hand him all YOUR power. That’s super risky and you need to change that balance of power!

you started asking for what you deserve and he should be making sure you know he’s doing ALL of what you request.

 

be careful.

Hi S2B - please see my quote below.

I don't have a therapist, I don't think I need one. If this ends badly (very likely) I will get over it, I know I will. I won't ever let myself get in this situation again, I plan to concentrate on myself and leave relationships until I have had some time to find me. I know for certain that when/if this doesn't work out, after the way he has been with me, I will of had a very lucky escape...  

Just now, Kiki55 said:

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am definetly on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So his response yesterday after his brother had gone said that, he reacts the way he does for 2 reasons 1) because he isn't one for talking about emotions and feelings. 2) he feels any reassurance he gives me at this moment I will not be satisfied with as I will reply "It's just words" he then added that he is concerned about how I will react when he has to remain 'single' for sometime and I won't be able to be in his life I.e. meet his family etc. 

I have stressed to him a few times how I hate that none of them know about me, I guess it's understandable. For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? And to add insult to that, I am his age. So if she found out that he had left her and now with somebody his age it would hurt that little bit deeper. 

The conversation continued a little bit and he said he knows words don't cut it anymore.. He said the connection/chemistry/love is mutual between us and I said that even with that, that doesn't mean that he will do what it takes to be with me. He asked me to give him time to prove it, I told him he's got 7 days. I kept it short after that, told him I was going bed (at 9pm) to end the conversation. He sent me a message when he went to bed saying "Goodnight my Love" I didn't respond, he then sent me a good morning text at 6am, I didn't respond until 8am and just said good morning, he is now asking my plans for the day... I'm not responding yet - usually I'm dropping everything but not anymore....

He's not going to get the best out of me these next 6 days, he has had the best, he knows what our relationship is usually like, if he wants it back to how it was then he needs to step up with something credible on 5th June. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Just because she is 10 years older than him doesn't mean she can't do any better than a man who cheats on her.  I think you should do her both a favor and tell her the truth about her life, you both need to stop pretending you give a rip about her feelings..  What's going to hurt the most is the lies and deceit - that's ALWAYS the case.  

 

 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? 

Telling him that he has ruined her life has everything to do with the fact that she is in pain because her marriage is ending. And, if she knew the truth of the situation she would be saying that he ruined her life because she trusted a man and had children with a man who was not faithful to her in return. That hurts. 

Have you considered that she may not want to find someone else? Perhaps, she will be thrilled to be single again, free from the weight of an unhappy marriage and an unfaithful husband? Free to enjoy her children and her own life?

Personally, I wouldn’t care what age you are... With age, comes wisdom and life experience... If you want him, you would be welcome to have him. The last thing I would do would be to fight for my unfaithful husband. I would go straight to my lawyer... Now, this woman is obviously her own person and will have her own response... but be careful when you project how she may feel - because you could be way wrong...

Edited May 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Just because she is 10 years older than him doesn't mean she can't do any better than a man who cheats on her.  I think you should do her both a favor and tell her the truth about her life, you both need to stop pretending you give a rip about her feelings..  What's going to hurt the most is the lies and deceit - that's ALWAYS the case.  

 

 

yeah, that's "concern" really does fall flat. It's sort of like trying to put a band aid on a wound that she helped to cause.
 

[elaine567]

On 5/19/2020 at 10:37 PM, Kiki55 said:

He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset.

I don't really think that not telling the wife is Kiki's decision.
I guess if t was up to her she would rather she knew as that at least would be a sign there was something real here.
This "My wife can't ever find out" is madness as both have teenage kids and he spends every day with Kiki...
Two and two together make four...

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I don't really think that not telling the wife is Kiki's decision.
I guess if t was up to her she would rather she knew as that at least would be a sign there was something real here.
This "My wife can't ever find out" is madness as both have teenage kids and he spends every day with Kiki...
Two and two together make four...

I totally agree. Keeping this information secret because it would cause his wife pain shows where his concern is... but personally, he doesn’t like the fact that she’s told him that he has ruined her life. That’s harsh. He wants to smooth the waters, calm her anger, ease his guilt...
He probably doesn’t want to be known as the man who left his wife and children for his affair partner... 
Either way, the person who continues to compromise herself is Kiki, she may have won her man but she is still kept in the shadows...
Telling the world does “legitimize” the relationship to some extent. It shows that he is willing to at least take some responsibility, that there is some commitment to the new relationship. 
I think it’s really naive to think that it’s not going to come out, that she won’t figure it out. I don’t know the woman, but the thought that keeps coming to mind is that the two of you need to give the woman a little more credit... 

Edited May 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

I think I mentioned this before but what happens when the children start spending time together and your kids start mentioning all the time he's spent having fun with them when he could (and should) have been spending it with his own.

You and he seem dismissive of this, to brush it off but I would be pretty sure his kids would be hurt even if they don't show it. 

Have you even discussed this possibility or is it just put off in a hazy everything will be fine when the children see him happy?

Edited May 30, 2020 by Amethyst68