lana-banana Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 If the message is real, then what's stopping him from moving out right now? I also have no idea whether the message is real---if it is, it's absolutely heartbreaking and indicative of the damage he's done---but I find it very bizarre that he asked "How can I prove I've split up with her"? That is just such a strange thing to say. Wouldn't moving out and getting a divorce be obvious proof as well as the natural next steps to take? It also makes no sense because I thought he was supposed to have moved out by Friday. I have to agree with the others: a message isn't proof of anything. This just doesn't add up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) The message itself was her WhatsApp, there was a pic of her there and I scrolled up slightly to previous convo of the kids, plus I came out the chat and I was there too in his history. I know that he is no saint. I know I've let things slip but I genuinely believe he wants to be with me... I doubt that he will be able to move out by Friday, I want him to get this new job. I feel quite confident at the moment and I don't plan onbringing this back up until Friday. On Friday I will ee firstly what he has to say and then discuss clear intentions on getting moved out. We will look at places together, apply for them and set clear goals for the next 4 weeks. I know he isn't perfect, but neither am I. She wants him to move out too now and he k he's he needs to do it quick so she can get on with her life too. How can he start divoroce proceedings when they need to be seperated for 2 years? I'm not starting divorce proceedings with my husband... we haven't really spoke about it as we figured we need to be seperated for 2 years? He just needs to move out now... we have been mad busy with work... 7am- 5pm we haven't got much time to breathe let alone him house hunt but he has to start doing this Friday actively... he then has 4 weeks to be a absolutely out the house. Edited June 1, 2020 by Kiki55 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Actually since he's been unfaithful they wouldn't have to wait two years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Again do your research there are apps out there that let you recreate false text and whatsapp threads. It would be the easiest thing in the world to do, you don't even need any technical expertise. I first read about about in some gossip rat where they were talking about how it it was proved that some leaked celebrity text was actually done like this. You know I know it's bad for you but I hope it's fake not because I want you hurt, please believe me I don't. However, the thought that this woman who is being deceived in the cruelest, most hurtful of ways pouring out her heart to her cheating husband who then shared it with the woman who is complicit in hurting her would be beyond cruel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: I doubt that he will be able to move out by Friday. On Friday I will ee firstly what he has to say and then discuss clear intentions on getting moved out. We will look at places together, apply for them and set clear goals for the next 4 weeks. we have been mad busy with work... we haven't got much time to breathe let alone him house hunt but he has to start doing this Friday actively... he then has 4 weeks to be a absolutely out the house. So June 5th has now turned into July 5th... He has successfully managed to kick the can down the road, at least for another month... and now, this woman who said June 5th was my absolute dealine, is now making the excuses up for him - he doesn't even have to do it anymore!! He doesn't have to do the work... you are going to do it for him!! You are going to to hold his hand, look at houses together, help him to sign the lease, and set clear goals of how he can leave his family in the next four weeks. Edited June 1, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 What proof do you have that this new job opportunity exists? Is it with the same company that you work for now or a completely new company? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 For whatever it is worth, when my MM and I were in our affair, a bazillion years ago now, it was very important for him to make sure i did not walk away, whilst he sorted out his life. To that end, he provided me with a list of what needed to happen before he left. Provided proof of completion of each of the milestones along the way, and made sure i saw that progress was being made. (Otherwise i was just waiting for... well... nothing maybe). I really feel like your MM should be bending over backwards to make sure you feel secure in that he will be living up to the promise he made, he should be worrying that you will walk away. Hoping for the best for you, i really am, but I would be finding his "caginess" to be completely unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 16 minutes ago, WasOtherWoman said: I really feel like your MM should be bending over backwards to make sure you feel secure in that he will be living up to the promise he made, he should be worrying that you will walk away. I think he is so sure Kiki will not walk away that he doesn't feel the need to bend over backwards or even keep her in the loop... if there is a loop.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Allupinnit said: Actually since he's been unfaithful they wouldn't have to wait two years. His intention is for her not to find out a out the infidelity Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: How can he start divoroce proceedings when they need to be seperated for 2 years? Hi, I think you are in the U.K. although you haven’t admitted it. When my xmm left he wanted to start the divorce straight away but BS wouldn’t agree, he said he would pay if she filed based on adultery. For those of you in the US, in the U.K. only the BS can apply on the grounds of adultery the WS cannot. Eventually as she kept refusing he said he was going to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Once she found out she then submitted the application herself on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately that is his only option atm unless she submits the divorce papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I think he is so sure Kiki will not walk away that he doesn't feel the need to bend over backwards or even keep her in the loop... if there is a loop.... I haven't told him my plan of 4 weeks yet. I haven't said anything to him. I know he has been looking that's about it. He is definetly burying his head in the sand. He's obviously comfortable living at home but he does understand it isn't acceptable or ethical.. he just needs a push which in going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: His intention is for her not to find out a out the infidelity Ok then his only option is to apply on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Hers, that is !!! that will really cause a load of s***. Especially once she finds out about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 1 hour ago, lana-banana said: If the message is real, then what's stopping him from moving out right now? I also have no idea whether the message is real---if it is, it's absolutely heartbreaking and indicative of the damage he's done---but I find it very bizarre that he asked "How can I prove I've split up with her"? That is just such a strange thing to say. Wouldn't moving out and getting a divorce be obvious proof as well as the natural next steps to take? It also makes no sense because I thought he was supposed to have moved out by Friday. I have to agree with the others: a message isn't proof of anything. This just doesn't add up. It would be, but don't forget please, and I'm not making excuses for him, but we have been in lock down for 12 weeks, things are opening up now and as well as working a full time stressful job from home, he's trying to get a new job AND find a place to live. I'm not going to keep falling for this if it is lies. My biggest concern was the fact they may not of actually split up and I believe he has proved that they have to me today.. how is he meant to provide a separation agreement? How would they have managed to sort all that during lockdown? How could he, in top of everything else he has done, rush to get her to do all the formal legal stuff so soon. I am going through a separation myself and know that this is not an easy fix. I might not of been so understanding if I wasn't doing it too. The only difference is that my husband managed to get a flat just before lockdown because I basically forced him to go, otherwise he may have also been still stuck with me now. Not everything is as easy as it seems. I know he has received her, I know he has done wrong and is continuing to do wrong by not telling her the full truth but I do understand his reasoning behind it. As far as my husband is concerned, we didn't start a relationship until well after we actually started it and he is none the wiser, this is proof in the pudding that maybe, just maybe she may never know about me during their marriage and only after they've been split for several months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 10 minutes ago, Beca L said: Hi, I think you are in the U.K. although you haven’t admitted it. When my xmm left he wanted to start the divorce straight away but BS wouldn’t agree, he said he would pay if she filed based on adultery. For those of you in the US, in the U.K. only the BS can apply on the grounds of adultery the WS cannot. Eventually as she kept refusing he said he was going to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Once she found out she then submitted the application herself on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately that is his only option atm unless she submits the divorce papers. Yes it's a lot harder than people think. Personally I wouldn't bother with a separation agreement and I don't know anybody that has... it must be a US thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, Beca L said: Ok then his only option is to apply on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Hers, that is !!! that will really cause a load of s***. Especially once she finds out about you. The option I have is to continue my marriage seperated for 2 years. This is what I am doing. Unless in some time I can admit adultery because technically although my husband knows, I am still legally marries, perhaps he can do it this way in several months, once she knows he has a new girlfriend. It's not an ideal situation, I know this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 16 hours ago, S2B said: It sounds to me like IF/when he leaves on the 5th - that his plan is to be a single guy... I agree with you KiKi, look into why you are handing this guy all your power...and what you need to do to change that dynamic - whether you are with him or not. It's a facade to be single, to her, to his immediate family, just until the dust has settled. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 18 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: he just needs a push which in going to do. I thought you weren’t going to push though... I thought you were going to require him to make his own decision? What’s changed - beside the fact that he hasn’t shown you any progress in his plan to move out or divorce. I don’t even know if you realize how much your tune has changed. You are doing so many mental gymnastics right now, I don’t even know that you are aware... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 7 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: The option I have is to continue my marriage seperated for 2 years. This is what I am doing. Unless in some time I can admit adultery because technically although my husband knows, I am still legally marries, perhaps he can do it this way in several months, once she knows he has a new girlfriend. It's not an ideal situation, I know this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. I’ve just read up about adultery and in the U.K. you only have 6 months after the adultery was discovered and you have to be living apart otherwise unless the spouse agrees the judge would say that the other party condoned the act. I don’t believe that you can actually file on the grounds of adultery it has to be your H. Your MM is not going to be able to file for a divorce ASAP. Unless he says it is on the grounds on unreasonable behaviour or his wife files. Even if they file for divorce there are still no guarantees. Like I have said many times before. My xmm left straight away, no hesitation, he found somewhere to live. We had a lovely year together, the divorce was proceeding, the family home was sold but he was estranged from his sons and couldn’t bear it so he went back. I was ceremoniously thrown under the bus. You have on ongoing, up hill battle ahead of you. Is he really worth it ?? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. No, you can take a step back and each take care of your own lives. Separate from your spouses (which you have already done), establish separate residences (which you already plan to do), take care of your children, deal with your legal/financial arrangements with your spouses... and give it some time. How is that option worse than this limbo-hell you are living right now? There is still an opportunity here to do this with some integrity, such that you DONT have to hide from your spouses, your children, your friends. You take some time, let things settle, and then come together in a normal way - date - and allow the relationship to grow in a more authentic and responsible way... If he truly loves you, he will do what is required to make it happen. Edited June 1, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Next, it will be you wondering when your time is up as his secret lover, and there will always be a reason why he can't tell her nor his kids about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: No, you can take a step back and each take care of your own lives. Separate from your spouses (which you have already done), establish separate residences (which you already plan to do), take care of your children, deal with your legal/financial arrangements with your spouses... and give it some time. How is that option worse than this limbo-hell you are living right now? There is still an opportunity here to do this with some integrity, such that you DONT have to hide from your spouses, your children, your friends. You take some time, let things settle, and then come together in a normal way - date - and allow the relationship to grow in a more authentic and responsible way... If he truly loves you, he will do what is required to make it happen. This makes total sense but he’s never going to do that, is he ? Some people have to move from one relationship straight to another like a bridge (someone mentioned either in this thread or another thread) to soften the pain and heartache. They are spineless cowards who are unable to be on their own, they cannot deal with the break down of their marriage on their own. They need an emotional crutch to get them through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: how is he meant to provide a separation agreement? How would they have managed to sort all that during lockdown? How could he, in top of everything else he has done, rush to get her to do all the formal legal stuff so soon. No, it’s not easy, that’s for sure... But I know two people who have sold homes during the pandemic. I know two other people who have moved during the pandemic. They said social distancing while moving was... interesting. I myself have made a new will and signed a cohabitation agreement during the pandemic. Things have been reopening these past three weeks so we’ve met with the cabinets, plumbing, lighting, and flooring people for our new home. Things are still able to get done... people have been creative, things have gone online, you do what you must! After all he has done, how can he rush to do the legal stuff so soon... excuses, excuses. After all he has done, he owes it to her to be clear, to manage her expectations such that he’s not dragging this along and giving false hope, and to get it done (or at least started). That statement comes from a place of guilt, not concern. If he was concerned about his wife, he would never have built an intimate relationship with another woman. Kiki, if she knows he wants to separate, if they have talked about him leaving for 10 weeks, if she has cried as many tears as she says she has cried... why are they prolonging the inevitable? Why this agony - it’s not good for anyone. Edited June 1, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, Beca L said: This makes total sense but he’s never going to do that, is he ? Some people have to move from one relationship straight to another like a bridge (someone mentioned either in this thread or another thread) to soften the pain and heartache. They are spineless cowards who are unable to be on their own, they cannot deal with the break down of their marriage on their own. They need an emotional crutch to get them through. And Kiki can’t walk away, she is too afraid to lose him... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: f I may, I also found it really concerning that you are living a similar experience as your mother. Did you know about her affair before you involved yourself with this married man? And then, she put that seed of doubt into your mind - saying that she always looks back and wonders what might have happened, did she give up too soon, did she miss the opportunity... That's a sad legacy for a mother and daughter to share... I'm guessing that this guy her mother was involved with was the OP’s father….it would explain why KiKi didn't have a relationship with her dad. 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: I haven't told him my plan of 4 weeks yet. I haven't said anything to him. I know he has been looking that's about it. He is definetly burying his head in the sand. He's obviously comfortable living at home but he does understand it isn't acceptable or ethical.. he just needs a push which in going to do. I'm just wondering how it can be comfortable living at home when his wife supposedly knows that he wants to separate. There would be tears from her, tension in the house, questions from the kids about why mom's crying, long, late-night conversations with her about why he's leaving and if she can have a second chance, hysterical bonding via sex, sleeping on the couch, the silent treatment, lack of sleep...it would be so uncomfortable that if he really was resolved to divorce, he would want to move out of the house as soon as possible to end that misery and get some peace. Conveniently checking out housing/apartment websites when you can peak over his shoulder and see what he's doing...I mean, come on, it's obviously just to pacify you so that you won't stop sleeping with him. Once you extend the deadline past the 5th, he'll know for a fact that he has you under his thumb and that you're not going anywhere. Edited June 1, 2020 by Yosemite 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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