Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think he is so sure Kiki will not walk away that he doesn't feel the need to bend over backwards or even keep her in the loop... if there is a loop....

I haven't told him my plan of 4 weeks yet. I haven't said anything to him. I know he has been looking that's about it. He is definetly burying his head in the sand. He's obviously comfortable living at home but he does understand it isn't acceptable or ethical.. he just needs a push which in going to do. 

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

His intention is for her not to find out a out the infidelity

Ok then his only option is to apply on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Hers, that is !!! 
that will really cause a load of s***. Especially once she finds out about you. 
 

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

If the message is real, then what's stopping him from moving out right now?

I also have no idea whether the message is real---if it is, it's absolutely heartbreaking and indicative of the damage he's done---but I find it very bizarre that he asked "How can I prove I've split up with her"? That is just such a strange thing to say. Wouldn't moving out and getting a divorce be obvious proof as well as the natural next steps to take? It also makes no sense because I thought he was supposed to have moved out by Friday. I have to agree with the others: a message isn't proof of anything.

This just doesn't add up.

It would be, but don't forget please, and I'm not making excuses for him, but we have been in lock down for 12 weeks, things are opening up now and as well as working a full time stressful job from home, he's trying to get a new job AND find a place to live. I'm not going to keep falling for this if it is lies. My biggest concern was the fact they may not of actually split up and I believe he has proved that they have to me today..  how is he meant to provide a separation agreement? How would they have managed to sort all that during lockdown? How could he, in top of everything else he has done, rush to get her to do all the formal legal stuff so soon. I am going through a separation myself and know that this is not an easy fix. I might not of been so understanding if I wasn't doing it too. The only difference is that my husband managed to get a flat just before lockdown because I basically forced him to go, otherwise he may have also been still stuck with me now. Not everything is as easy as it seems. I know he has received her, I know he has done wrong and is continuing to do wrong by not telling her the full truth but I do understand his reasoning behind it. As far as my husband is concerned, we didn't start a relationship until well after we actually started it and he is none the wiser, this is proof in the pudding that maybe, just maybe she may never know about me during their marriage and only after they've been split for several months. 

[Kiki55]

10 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Hi,

I think you are in the U.K. although you haven’t admitted it. When my xmm left he wanted to start the divorce straight away but BS wouldn’t agree, he said he would pay if she filed based on adultery. For those of you in the US, in the U.K. only the BS can apply on the grounds of adultery the WS cannot. 
Eventually as she kept refusing he said he was going to apply on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Once she found out she then submitted the application herself on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately that is his only option atm unless she submits the divorce papers. 
 

 

Yes it's a lot harder than people think. Personally I wouldn't bother with a separation agreement and I don't know anybody that has... it must be a US thing. 

[Kiki55]

9 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Ok then his only option is to apply on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Hers, that is !!! 
that will really cause a load of s***. Especially once she finds out about you. 
 

The option I have is to continue my marriage seperated for 2 years. This is what I am doing. Unless in some time I can admit adultery because technically although my husband knows, I am still legally marries, perhaps he can do it this way in several months, once she knows he has a new girlfriend. It's not an ideal situation, I know this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. 

[Kiki55]

16 hours ago, S2B said:

It sounds to me like IF/when he leaves on the 5th - that his plan is to be a single guy...

I agree with you KiKi, look into why you are handing this guy all your power...and what you need to do to change that dynamic - whether you are with him or not.

It's a facade to be single, to her, to his immediate family, just until the dust has settled. 

[elaine567]

How old is he?

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

he just needs a push which in going to do. 

I thought you weren’t going to push though... I thought you were going to require him to make his own decision? What’s changed - beside the fact that he hasn’t shown you any progress in his plan to move out or divorce. 

I don’t even know if you realize how much your tune has changed. You are doing so many mental gymnastics right now, I don’t even know that you are aware...

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

The option I have is to continue my marriage seperated for 2 years. This is what I am doing. Unless in some time I can admit adultery because technically although my husband knows, I am still legally marries, perhaps he can do it this way in several months, once she knows he has a new girlfriend. It's not an ideal situation, I know this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. 

I’ve just read up about adultery and in the U.K. you only have 6 months after the adultery was discovered and you have to be living apart otherwise unless the spouse agrees the judge would say that the other party condoned the act. I don’t believe that you can actually file on the grounds of adultery it has to be your H. 
Your MM is not going to be able to file for a divorce ASAP. Unless he says it is on the grounds on unreasonable behaviour or his wife files. 
Even if they file for divorce there are still no guarantees. Like I have said many times before. My xmm left straight away, no hesitation, he found somewhere to live. We had a lovely year together, the divorce was proceeding, the family home was sold but he was estranged from his sons and couldn’t bear it so he went back. I was ceremoniously thrown under the bus. 
You have on ongoing, up hill battle ahead of you. Is he really worth it ?? 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

this but it's all we got right now to save further heartache and possible burned bridges with our children. 

No, you can take a step back and each take care of your own lives. Separate from your spouses (which you have already done), establish separate residences (which you already plan to do), take care of your children, deal with your legal/financial arrangements with your spouses... and give it some time. How is that option worse than this limbo-hell you are living right now?

There is still an opportunity here to do this with some integrity, such that you DONT have to hide from your spouses, your children, your friends. You take some time, let things settle, and then come together in a normal way - date - and allow the relationship to grow in a more authentic and responsible way... If he truly loves you, he will do what is required to make it happen. 

Edited June 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Next, it will be you wondering when your time is up as his secret lover, and there will always be a reason why he can't tell her nor his kids about you.

[Beca L]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, you can take a step back and each take care of your own lives. Separate from your spouses (which you have already done), establish separate residences (which you already plan to do), take care of your children, deal with your legal/financial arrangements with your spouses... and give it some time. How is that option worse than this limbo-hell you are living right now?

There is still an opportunity here to do this with some integrity, such that you DONT have to hide from your spouses, your children, your friends. You take some time, let things settle, and then come together in a normal way - date - and allow the relationship to grow in a more authentic and responsible way... If he truly loves you, he will do what is required to make it happen. 

This makes total sense but he’s never going to do that, is he ?

Some people have to move from one relationship straight to another like a bridge (someone mentioned either in this thread or another thread) to soften the pain and heartache. They are spineless cowards who are unable to be on their own, they cannot deal with the break down of their marriage on their own. They need an emotional crutch to get them through. 

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

 how is he meant to provide a separation agreement? How would they have managed to sort all that during lockdown? How could he, in top of everything else he has done, rush to get her to do all the formal legal stuff so soon. 

No, it’s not easy, that’s for sure...

But I know two people who have sold homes during the pandemic. I know two other people who have moved during the pandemic. They said social distancing while moving was... interesting. I myself have made a new will and signed a cohabitation agreement during the pandemic. Things have been reopening these past three weeks so we’ve met with the cabinets, plumbing, lighting, and flooring people for our new home. Things are still able to get done... people have been creative, things have gone online, you do what you must! 

After all he has done, how can he rush to do the legal stuff so soon... excuses, excuses. After all he has done, he owes it to her to be clear, to manage her expectations such that he’s not dragging this along and giving false hope, and to get it done (or at least started). 

That statement comes from a place of guilt, not concern. If he was concerned about his wife, he would never have built an intimate relationship with another woman. 

Kiki, if she knows he wants to separate, if they have talked about him leaving for 10 weeks, if she has cried as many tears as she says she has cried... why are they prolonging the inevitable? Why this agony - it’s not good for anyone.

Edited June 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Beca L said:

This makes total sense but he’s never going to do that, is he ?

Some people have to move from one relationship straight to another like a bridge (someone mentioned either in this thread or another thread) to soften the pain and heartache. They are spineless cowards who are unable to be on their own, they cannot deal with the break down of their marriage on their own. They need an emotional crutch to get them through. 

And Kiki can’t walk away, she is too afraid to lose him... 

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

f I may, I also found it really concerning that you are living a similar experience as your mother. Did you know about her affair before you involved yourself with this married man? And then, she put that seed of doubt into your mind - saying that she always looks back and wonders what might have happened, did she give up too soon, did she miss the opportunity... That's a sad legacy for a mother and daughter to share...

I'm guessing that this guy her mother was involved with was the OP’s father….it would explain why KiKi didn't have a relationship with her dad.

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

I haven't told him my plan of 4 weeks yet. I haven't said anything to him. I know he has been looking that's about it. He is definetly burying his head in the sand. He's obviously comfortable living at home but he does understand it isn't acceptable or ethical.. he just needs a push which in going to do. 

I'm just wondering how it can be comfortable living at home when his wife supposedly knows that he wants to separate. There would be tears from her, tension in the house, questions from the kids about why mom's crying, long, late-night conversations with her about why he's leaving and if she can have a second chance, hysterical bonding via sex, sleeping on the couch, the silent treatment, lack of sleep...it would be so uncomfortable that if he really was resolved to divorce, he would want to move out of the house as soon as possible to end that misery and get some peace.

Conveniently checking out housing/apartment websites when you can peak over his shoulder and see what he's doing...I mean, come on, it's obviously just to pacify you so that you won't stop sleeping with him. Once you extend the deadline past the 5th, he'll know for a fact that he has you under his thumb and that you're not going anywhere.

Edited June 1, 2020 by Yosemite

[Beca L]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And Kiki can’t walk away, she is too afraid to lose him... 

I know that and I do understand why she feels like that and doesn’t want to walk away now when she’s so close.  She came on LS looking for advice and support but whether she listens to that is another matter. If I had discovered LS sooner than I did I would have acted so differently. I hung around for too long doing the pick me dance and it is so humiliating when I think about it. I would never have managed the nearly 6 months of NC unless I had listened over and over again to the same sad stories and realised my story was not that unique at all. It helps give me the motivation and strength to carry on and look forward to a much healthy relationship in the future. 

[RebeccaR]

There’s an old thread in which a poster asked for tips on moving from an affair to a legitimate relationship without anyone knowing. The consensus was it’s almost impossible to pull off - someone inevitably knows and talks, or people put two and two together. In your case all your colleagues already know! Given the hurt that’s inevitably coming, you should both just own your actions now. That would also give you Kiki the reassurance you need and he won’t have to live the hurtful “single” life (which is also a great opportunity for him to meet other women and change his mind about the whole thing).

 I have no idea why you trust him.

[S2B]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

His intention is for her not to find out a out the infidelity

So why would you immediately move in with him? 
 

he still wants you to be his secret. You won’t be if you move in with him.

this really sounds like an insecure guy who is afraid to be alone for 5 minutes!

moving WITH him... no way!

while he goes through a divorce - he needs time and head space to get finished mentally/emotionally with the marriage ending - you’re going to be subjected to SO much crap if you move with him!

[RebeccaR]

Now he’s preparing for the new job, if he gets it he will be too busy with the new job, if he doesn’t he will be too depressed about not getting it - I can’t imagine he’ll be moving out anytime soon 

[S2B]

Why don’t you stay where you are and have him live on his own for a long while?

Edited June 1, 2020 by S2B

[Yosemite]

I don't think that she's planning on moving in with him.

He's supposedly going to get his own furnished place and pretend to be single so that his family won't find out about the infidelity.

[heartwhole2]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:48 AM, Kiki55 said:

Update: he's very adamant that 5th June is when everything is going to be finalised. Everything seems so promising but I do have this niggle still, it will always be there I guess. Time will tell.  

Back on May 21 you provided this final sounding update. Everything will be finalized by then. But then you lost your confidence and seemed to settle for any small proof of movement, not things being done and finalized. Why is that? 

I agree with Bailey that your story changes a lot when challenged. Everything's great because he spends tons of time with your kids and they make loving jokes about you two to . . . he barely spends time with them. He doesn't spend time with his kids because his wife won't let him to . . . his wife is crying every day about their split but valiantly willing to move on. I would call you an unreliable narrator, which means that we have to try to put the puzzle of your picture together based on what you say, how that changes, and what you don't say. I don't think you mean to do this or realize that you are doing it, but I think it's a default coping mechanism when faced with difficult things. It's easier to change your story than to face having made questionable decisions. Along the same lines, sometimes you appoint yourself the "exception to the rule" when the rule says you may be in danger of harm.

My point is just that there are many issues here, and whether he leases an apartment won't change the things that are unhealthy or troubling about this situation. Please consider individual counseling; it can be quite luxurious to spend that time on yourself, and will help you get to a healthy place where you can have a healthy relationship with him or someone else. The questionable choices are simply symptoms of issues that could use some attention and new resiliency.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I agree with Bailey that your story changes a lot when challenged. I would call you an unreliable narrator, which means that we have to try to put the puzzle of your picture together based on what you say, how that changes, and what you don't say. I don't think you mean to do this or realize that you are doing it, but I think it's a default coping mechanism when faced with difficult things. 

My point is just that there are many issues here, and whether he leases an apartment won't change the things that are unhealthy or troubling about this situation.

Absolutely agree with this.

I also don’t know that you are aware you do this Kiki, I think your mind is doing what it needs to do to help you to deal with this situation. These  “mental gymnastics” are required to feel good about something that, doesn’t really feel very acceptable or very good. 

[heartwhole2]

I also think it's a byproduct of starting with a thesis you are deeply invested in being true and then working back to the rationales. 

[S2B]

If he said everything is to be finalized by 6/5 - but the divorce can’t be finalized for two years - how does that add up?

he must have a different idea of what finalized means.

this is exactly why I always say don’t date any man until their divorce is final. Meaning completely finished! mainly because all these twisted versions of finalized means NOTHING u til the judge orders that the marriage has legally ended and all the “waiting periods” have played out!

you do know he can easily go back to her at ANY time, right? Many go back. 
 

wait to move with him until his D is final. That’s the only way you can redeem the situation that’s been created.