Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Beca L]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And Kiki can’t walk away, she is too afraid to lose him... 

I know that and I do understand why she feels like that and doesn’t want to walk away now when she’s so close.  She came on LS looking for advice and support but whether she listens to that is another matter. If I had discovered LS sooner than I did I would have acted so differently. I hung around for too long doing the pick me dance and it is so humiliating when I think about it. I would never have managed the nearly 6 months of NC unless I had listened over and over again to the same sad stories and realised my story was not that unique at all. It helps give me the motivation and strength to carry on and look forward to a much healthy relationship in the future. 

[RebeccaR]

There’s an old thread in which a poster asked for tips on moving from an affair to a legitimate relationship without anyone knowing. The consensus was it’s almost impossible to pull off - someone inevitably knows and talks, or people put two and two together. In your case all your colleagues already know! Given the hurt that’s inevitably coming, you should both just own your actions now. That would also give you Kiki the reassurance you need and he won’t have to live the hurtful “single” life (which is also a great opportunity for him to meet other women and change his mind about the whole thing).

 I have no idea why you trust him.

[RebeccaR]

Now he’s preparing for the new job, if he gets it he will be too busy with the new job, if he doesn’t he will be too depressed about not getting it - I can’t imagine he’ll be moving out anytime soon 

[Yosemite]

I don't think that she's planning on moving in with him.

He's supposedly going to get his own furnished place and pretend to be single so that his family won't find out about the infidelity.

[heartwhole2]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:48 AM, Kiki55 said:

Update: he's very adamant that 5th June is when everything is going to be finalised. Everything seems so promising but I do have this niggle still, it will always be there I guess. Time will tell.  

Back on May 21 you provided this final sounding update. Everything will be finalized by then. But then you lost your confidence and seemed to settle for any small proof of movement, not things being done and finalized. Why is that? 

I agree with Bailey that your story changes a lot when challenged. Everything's great because he spends tons of time with your kids and they make loving jokes about you two to . . . he barely spends time with them. He doesn't spend time with his kids because his wife won't let him to . . . his wife is crying every day about their split but valiantly willing to move on. I would call you an unreliable narrator, which means that we have to try to put the puzzle of your picture together based on what you say, how that changes, and what you don't say. I don't think you mean to do this or realize that you are doing it, but I think it's a default coping mechanism when faced with difficult things. It's easier to change your story than to face having made questionable decisions. Along the same lines, sometimes you appoint yourself the "exception to the rule" when the rule says you may be in danger of harm.

My point is just that there are many issues here, and whether he leases an apartment won't change the things that are unhealthy or troubling about this situation. Please consider individual counseling; it can be quite luxurious to spend that time on yourself, and will help you get to a healthy place where you can have a healthy relationship with him or someone else. The questionable choices are simply symptoms of issues that could use some attention and new resiliency.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I agree with Bailey that your story changes a lot when challenged. I would call you an unreliable narrator, which means that we have to try to put the puzzle of your picture together based on what you say, how that changes, and what you don't say. I don't think you mean to do this or realize that you are doing it, but I think it's a default coping mechanism when faced with difficult things. 

My point is just that there are many issues here, and whether he leases an apartment won't change the things that are unhealthy or troubling about this situation.

Absolutely agree with this.

I also don’t know that you are aware you do this Kiki, I think your mind is doing what it needs to do to help you to deal with this situation. These  “mental gymnastics” are required to feel good about something that, doesn’t really feel very acceptable or very good. 

[heartwhole2]

I also think it's a byproduct of starting with a thesis you are deeply invested in being true and then working back to the rationales. 

[Mascara]

You don’t need to be separated for 2 years, you can divorce perfectly easily by reason of “unreasonable behaviour” and it doesn’t have to anything major. My husbands ex said she was filing on those grounds, and not to be offended by the stuff she put, that it was just to get the divorce. It was stupid things like “he mocked how badly I cleaned the oven”.  The courts literally don’t care how mundane the reasons are, and hey presto you can be divorced. 

[stillafool]

"Irreconcilable Differences" is used constantly as grounds for divorce and you're right you don't have to be separated for 2 years.  People use excuses not to go forward with it.

[Amethyst68]

It's the UK, you need to be separated for 2 years and that's if both people involved agree, if they don't then it's 5 years. Not to mention the judge can intervene if he doesn't agree and deny the decree. There was a case in the news last year where a judge didn't grant the divorce after a separation of 2 years because the husband thought he had a chance of repairing the marriage!

[Mascara]

In the UK you need to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down by way of 5 reasons:

2 years separation with consent

5 years separation without consent 

Unreasonable behaviour

Adultery

Desertion

 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Mascara said:

In the UK you need to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down by way of 5 reasons:

2 years separation with consent

5 years separation without consent 

Unreasonable behaviour

Adultery

Desertion

 

I’m from the U.K. and yes he can file straight away based on unreasonable behaviour. But obviously that would then mean him treating is W even worse by blaming her on the marriage breaking down.  He can’t file on the grounds of adultery. The W would have to do that. The only reason they would have to wait 2 years is if neither of the two options were possible. If he’s trying to keep the A a secret for as long as possible and not upset his W even further then they are not get divorced any time soon ! 

[Amethyst68]

I assumed he wasn't going to make waves by accusing his wife of the causing the breakdown of the marriage plus the 2 years separation plays into his playing 'single' plans.

If he's playing nice to get a better financial deal he's not going to start throwing silly accusations around to get a quickie divorce.

[Kiki55]

I have once again, tried to stay off LS for a couple of days. I'm not too sure how I feel about everything at the moment. We are continuing as normal - 7am arrival 5pm departure... we didnt have any sex today, he was a bit quiet this morning and i asked him if he was OK, he said yes, just busy with work.. we are still constantly messaging when he leaves of an evening many "I love you"s etc. BUT I can feel myself withdrawing. I don't know why, I don't want to but I can definetly feel it. I feel a sense of clarity is coming. At this moment I feel that everything he has told me is true BUT he doesn't want to put in the effort to move out of his house just yet and is hoping I may just be OK and give him some extra time - this to me shows serious lack if respect for me as a person and as a "girlfriend" What he may not realise though is that I'm secretly feeling a bit distant, thinking of this scenario.

I love him, I know I do, but if he is not willing to put in the effort to do what is needed in order to be with me properly then there is certainly no way I am going to continue this. I know I have made many mistakes along this path and I have sacrificed alot. We have spoke about this, the impact it will have on my kids etc and my job if he chooses not to go through with this. When we talk about these things, I say them in a jokey way, I always like to try and keep things light because I am not one for serious heavy convos (although I know this is what we need) and during this, he laughs about it alot and I will say oi, it's not funny etc, he says it is because I know it's not going to happen and you are worrying about nothing etc"

I have been too busy thinking about his situation and his feelings without even considering mine and the sacrifices I'd be making to be with him. 

So here are my scenarios:

Scenario 1:

He shows concrete evidence he is moving out Friday - great! Now comes the several month countdown... before I can be outed. I am hiding in the shadows, effectively still living like an OW... He still will have to possibly devote quite some time to her... all the while I'm still wondering if he may want to be with her again... we may not even reach the several month outing! I am here still sacricing my life with the only positive factor being, I know he has made the first step to be with me. This is the only good scenario at the minute (and that is saying something!) 

Scenario 2:

He doesn't move out yet, has a BS story about his job offer and how he needs more time... if I give him more time, I've moved the goal posts... in this scenario, I will not finish things with him but I will go NC and tell him he's got 4 weeks to bring something concrete to me or I'm moving on. 

Scenario 3:

He tells me if I love him, I will wait a little bit longer for him, if I end this now it's on me and not him... this scenario... I will revert back to my action plan on scenario 2.

Scenario 4:

He tells me he is staying with his wife for XYZ but wants me to be with him still - absolutely NC - I'm done

Scenario 5:

Admits everything has been a lie

I'm going physco on him. 

 

Any other possible scenarios and outcomes I should be aware of for Friday? 

[Amethyst68]

Where is the new job? Will it involve him moving to a new location?

What about his new place? Is the plan to move him closer to your residence? How will that work with his custody plans? Even in the UK 50/50 split is common these days so he'll have to deal with school runs etc or is he thinking it'll be old every 2nd weekend deal?

[Allupinnit]

If he gets this new job does that mean you won't be seeing him every day anymore?

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

Any other possible scenarios and outcomes I should be aware of for Friday? 

His wife calls you up and tells you to stay away from her man...

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

Where is the new job? Will it involve him moving to a new location?

What about his new place? Is the plan to move him closer to your residence? How will that work with his custody plans? Even in the UK 50/50 split is common these days so he'll have to deal with school runs etc or is he thinking it'll be old every 2nd weekend deal?

He plans to stay in his city to be close to his kids. His new job is in his city too. This doesn't raise a red flag for me... I know he hasn't been happy in the work for a long time, before we got together but because of the virus he stayed... I was a bit concerned but he thinks it'll be better for us not to work together too. We didn't get much done at the office so our jobs were affected. 

[Kiki55]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

His wife calls you up and tells you to stay away from her man...

Thanks for the comment 👍🏼

 

[Kiki55]

40 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

If he gets this new job does that mean you won't be seeing him every day anymore?

Yes. But like I said to your other comment, this doesn't concern me, it'll be difficult to spend less time with him as usually people spend more time as they get deeper not less but it's been very abnormal times lately. 

[Crazelnut]

Can you clarify scenario 1 again, please? What concrete evidence will you accept? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

33 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I was a bit concerned but he thinks it'll be better for us not to work together too. We didn't get much done at the office so our jobs were affected. 

Still seems to be affecting your job if I’m reading this correctly that you are having sex together during the work day. I suppose there is always lunch but I have to wonder what your employer would think if they were aware...

Quote

We are continuing as normal - 7am arrival 5pm departure... we didnt have any sex today

It will be interesting to see what happens on Friday. He has built it up to be this massively significant “reveal” and I don’t understand why. Try as you will, I think there are some things in life that you just can’t plan for... 

[Yosemite]

I think that scenario 2 is most likely and that you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work?

He'll concoct some excuse for why he needs to keep coming to your house to work (you've believed literally everything he's told you so far, so you'll probably accept his excuse for why he needs to work at your house) and one thing will lead to another and you'll find yourself right back in bed with him.

If this job offer is real, don't be shocked if he breaks up with you if he gets it. He'll view it as a clean start, he won't be working with you anymore, you'll be in your city an hour away, it'll be easier for him to go NC with you, and he can recommit himself to his marriage without his wife ever having found out about the affair.

Did he apply for this job? If yes, it makes sense that he would be public with you in front of your co-workers. He knew that he wouldn't be at that company much longer anyway, so why not parade the OW around in front of coworkers that pretty soon he'll never see again anyway.

It's seeming less and less likely that this is his first affair.

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

I think that scenario 2 is most likely and that you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work?

I agree with this... and the agony of seeing him everyday for work and wondering what is happening in that home and what he is/is not planning continues...

Edited June 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Yosemite said:

... you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work?
He'll concoct some excuse for why he needs to keep coming to your house to work ... and one thing will lead to another and you'll find yourself right back in bed with him.

 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I agree with this...

Me 3, although I'm not sure which scenario may play out.

Being at your house will give him opportunities to talk to you, spin stories and excuses. Seeing him will cause you distress and eventually he'll sense that and try to take advantage.

If you're going to go NC, you need to go NC, IMO. That would mean banning him from your home. If you're going to do the 4 week deadline thing, he needs to be banned for the 4 weeks. He may turn it around on you and claim you're putting up walls, etc, but you only plan on NC if he's found to be deceiving you about moving out, etc, so I think that would just be a tactic on his part.