Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Lylalou]

Nothing will happen tmw, he will offer you the least proof and you will move the date for him to prove more, I did it many times, the last ultimatum was 31st September 2018 when he was going to prove to me that we wanted the same things:- going out more, staying over and going away.
He told me he would prove he had things organised to show me, while I waited patiently for him to leave, do you know I ended it on 29th September when he said he had lots planned “just wait and see” but I knew nothing had changed as he hadn’t even asked me my roster as I work away a lot. That was proof enough for me that he was lying as usual. When I told him he needed to leave me alone his response was here we go again. 7 yrs wasted.

Please don’t move the goal posts, I feel your love story is no different to anyone else’s that’s here at loveshack.

[Kiki55]

3 hours ago, Beca L said:

Really feel for you, this is tough and I know how it feels. I was there so many times in the 2 years after xmm went back. Try to be strong. He may surprise you but I’m not sure if he really wants to leave. He hasn’t really shown so far that he has any intentions of moving out. Keep posting as we are all here for you. Hugs xo

Thank my Beca L. 

It could all be in my head, I don't know what to think, he stayed a bit later than usual today. Whether that means anything I don't know. I know my head is severely messed up and I am overthinking and over analysing everything. I don't have long to wait now I guess but it's going to be one way I night... my stomach keeps turning, my eyes keep welling up. I just don't know how I'm gonna get through the night. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I just don't know how I'm gonna get through the night. 

No advice. Just hugs. 

[Kiki55]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No advice. Just hugs. 

Thank you... I've just messaged him and said things have felt a bit different past couple of days, told him I hope it's in my head but I guess we will talk about it all tomorrow, I said, if you have got back with her though, please just tell me tonight instead. He messaged back straight away saying, "we are not back together xx" 

[spiritedaway2003]

Kiki, the advice here probably looks different from what you're experiencing.   I would suggest that you stop and take a break from LS.  You don't owe any of us answers here, whether you get what you need tomorrow or not.  You're going to drive yourself crazy being anxious. 

Identify what you're willing to accept for tomorrow and go from there.  You might not have it all figured it out immediately, but you will.   Take a break away from LS so you can clear your head.  Find that anchor, whether that's within yourself or with help from IC.  In other words, focus on yourself first.

Edited June 4, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Kiki55]

30 minutes ago, Lylalou said:

Nothing will happen tmw, he will offer you the least proof and you will move the date for him to prove more, I did it many times, the last ultimatum was 31st September 2018 when he was going to prove to me that we wanted the same things:- going out more, staying over and going away.
He told me he would prove he had things organised to show me, while I waited patiently for him to leave, do you know I ended it on 29th September when he said he had lots planned “just wait and see” but I knew nothing had changed as he hadn’t even asked me my roster as I work away a lot. That was proof enough for me that he was lying as usual. When I told him he needed to leave me alone his response was here we go again. 7 yrs wasted.

Please don’t move the goal posts, I feel your love story is no different to anyone else’s that’s here at loveshack.

I do keep coming up with excuses for him. All I know is I've definetly stuck to my end of this. Tomorrow I am getti g everything out of him, he said the 5th, I said the 5th... so that's it. I'm gonna start some points so I don't forget anything. 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Kiki, the advice here probably looks different from what you're experiencing.   I would suggest that you stop and take a break from LS.  You don't owe any of us answers here, whether you get what you need tomorrow or not.  You're going to drive yourself crazy being anxious. 

Identify what you're willing to accept for tomorrow and go from there.  You might not have it all figured it out immediately, but you will.   Take a break away from LS so you can clear your head.  Find that anchor, whether that's within yourself or with help from IC.  In other words, focus on yourself first.

Thank you. I feel that coming to LS has been either the making or breaking. It's what has led me to question him, this could be a good thing but if he has been sincere with me then I have put unnecessary pressure on him based on feedback from here. 

What I know is that,  I would be very surprised if he comes with news of a new place etc, he would of hid that very well and id be wondering how he has had the time. So, with thst being said, I am going to give him 4 weeks to move out. During these next 4 weeks, I want to see him looking, viewing and more proof of his commitment to me (in what form I do not know) perhaps more conversation with her?) 

This will be the last 4 week's. There is no doubt about it. I can't continue like this much longer.

[anika99]

If the message you read from his wife is real then the saddest thing about it is that his wife clearly loves her husband and she is blaming herself. Since she doesn't know the real reason her husband is leaving her she is likely wondering what she did to drive her wonderful husband away from her. It's very telling that your MM is happily allowing his wife's false narrative to continue rather than putting her out of her misery and telling her the truth. Sure it will sting for her to know that she is being left for another woman but it will also fill in the blanks for her, it will make sense of something that right now makes no sense to her. Right now she's probably thinking "I must be a truly awful person if my husband is willing to leave not just our marriage but also our kids and everything we have built together just for the sake of getting away from me" And your MM is happy to have her think just so he doesn't look bad. Hiding you has never been about protecting her, it's always been about protecting himself. It's not because he doesn't want to hurt her, she is clearly hurting deeply already. The lies are for his benefit not for hers. Remember that when in the future you catch him lying to you and he tries to convince you that he was lying to you for your own good. 

 

[Lylalou]

The next 4 weeks will be mental cruelty while you wait, I did the same many times over 7 years.
LS made me question him and I could see we were getting distant due to me questioning. I really thought my affair was different from everyone else’s on here, it was true love, we were always texting, talking, meeting up, it was a love story. Nope the same as 90% of MM having their cake and eating it.

Good luck, I can see you’re already moving the goal posts and it makes me feel so sad that you aren’t ready for the advice on here yet. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, anika99 said:

If the message you read from his wife is real then the saddest thing about it is that his wife clearly loves her husband and she is blaming herself. It's very telling that your MM is happily allowing his wife's false narrative to continue rather than putting her out of her misery and telling her the truth. 

In much the same way that he has been happily allowing Kiki to agonize over this whole situation for the past two weeks...  when he could be more forthcoming and ease her anxiety. He likes holding all the cards, and right now he has two (plus his children’s) lives hanging in the balance. 

[Allupinnit]

40 minutes ago, anika99 said:

If the message you read from his wife is real then the saddest thing about it is that his wife clearly loves her husband and she is blaming herself. Since she doesn't know the real reason her husband is leaving her she is likely wondering what she did to drive her wonderful husband away from her. It's very telling that your MM is happily allowing his wife's false narrative to continue rather than putting her out of her misery and telling her the truth. Sure it will sting for her to know that she is being left for another woman but it will also fill in the blanks for her, it will make sense of something that right now makes no sense to her. Right now she's probably thinking "I must be a truly awful person if my husband is willing to leave not just our marriage but also our kids and everything we have built together just for the sake of getting away from me" And your MM is happy to have her think just so he doesn't look bad. Hiding you has never been about protecting her, it's always been about protecting himself. It's not because he doesn't want to hurt her, she is clearly hurting deeply already. The lies are for his benefit not for hers. Remember that when in the future you catch him lying to you and he tries to convince you that he was lying to you for your own good. 

 

All of this.  She's probably going crazy wondering what's really going on and he struts through the door every night having another woman's smell on him (or maybe he's crafty and showers before going home).  While he's spending every single weekday with another woman and her kids!  This guy is a real piece of work.

Edited June 4, 2020 by Allupinnit

[S2B]

I see you moving his timeline. Why must he get another month? Another month of torture for you AND his wife - if just waiting... give him one week if you must! One week - people can get a move done in a week! Heck my exH got his done in one night because I demanded he move now.

it can be done when a person intends to get it done.

waiting just gives more time to wait and wait.

 

[PhoenixRising8]

52 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you. I feel that coming to LS has been either the making or breaking. It's what has led me to question him, this could be a good thing but if he has been sincere with me then I have put unnecessary pressure on him based on feedback from here. 

There are many times I thought this myself.  After all, he spent an hour and a half roundtrip 4 or 5 times a week (we didn't work together) to meet with me for dinners, movies, theatre, or just sitting on the sofa watching TV.  It wasn't sex all the time and mostly it wasn't were we ended up.  He too went home one day and just said he was leaving but had to sort things out because you don't just up and walk away one day.  There are finances to figure out, living arrangements etc. She of course fought him on it.  Thought it was a good marriage despite the low they were experiencing.  The more she fought and the more I acquiesced, the more comfortable he got with the arrangement.

My instinct was to question whether he would leave but the logic of everything he was doing to "show me" how much he loved me and wanted to be with me seemed to contradict my instinct.  In the end, my instinct was correct.  Yes, he ultimately left her - more like she chucked him out.  Wonder if she hadn't if he'd still be there.  Somehow I doubt that the 10X10 room he lives in will be enough for too much longer while his family lives in their home and his kids barely interact with him.

7 minutes ago, anika99 said:

It's very telling that your MM is happily allowing his wife's false narrative to continue rather than putting her out of her misery and telling her the truth. Sure it will sting for her to know that she is being left for another woman but it will also fill in the blanks for her, it will make sense of something that right now makes no sense to her.

 

7 minutes ago, anika99 said:

It's not because he doesn't want to hurt her, she is clearly hurting deeply already. The lies are for his benefit not for hers.

I can't tell you how often I said this to him - he was being cruel giving her hope by staying if he actually intended to leave.  He was also being cruel to me giving me hope if he wasn't.  Truth is, he was only concerned with what was easiest for him.  His response?  He's trying to let her down gently and soften the blow.  This went on for 6 months before I refused to let another goal post be moved and so being at an impasse we went NC for 5 months.

Interestingly, when I spoke with her (about 7 hours total this past March), she had no idea her marriage was bad or not sustainable.  He was just behaving the way he always did when things hit a bump:  hold a grudge and retreat.  Wasn't surprised as I saw a lot of that myself in the latter part of our initial relationship and the 6 weeks of the second phase. Whenever we had a disagreement, his thoughts went to Cat.  After all, he wasn't disagreeing with her as he wasn't with her.  Who wants to live like that. 

My experience is mine.  He and I are not you and yours so it may work out differently for you but there are many parallels.

[anika99]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

I see you moving his timeline. Why must he get another month? Another month of torture for you AND his wife - if just waiting... give him one week if you must! One week - people can get a move done in a week! Heck my exH got his done in one night because I demanded he move now.

it can be done when a person intends to get it done.

waiting just gives more time to wait and wait.

 

Exactly this. Covid-19 is no excuse, people are still renting apartments, still buying houses, still filing for separations and divorces even during the pandemic. My neighbors moved out of their rental in early April and new tenants moved in 10 days later. Landlords are arranging virtual tours. movers are wearing masks and social distancing. Doctors and lawyers are carrying out their meetings online and if something needs to be signed it can be arranged in a safe way. I had to get my dog groomed a few weeks ago as he has the kind of hair that never stops growing and getting longer. I wasn't sure if groomers were even open but my dog groomer had it figured out. Basically it involved putting him into a large kennel they had set up outside and then them removing him from the opposite side to do his grooming and then returning him to me by placing him back in the kennel where I would pick him up then email them the payment. It was all carried out without any personal contact between me and the groomer. Sure some places had to close but most places have found ways to keep operating. 

Same goes for the excuse that he hasn't enough time. If he wanted to move he would make the time. I have never needed to take time away from work in order to secure a place to live. I look on my breaks, in the evenings, on the weekends. That's how most people do it. I see OW making these excuses for their MM when even they themselves managed to end their own marriages and find a new place to live quickly and without hesitation. When people really want something they overcome the obstacles no matter how hard and in this case there aren't even really any obstacles, just excuses. 

[Crazelnut]

FOUR more weeks? Four more weeks of this agony. I agree -- give him 1 week to sign a lease. Maybe instead of playing house and pretending to be Step Dad at your place, he should be out looking for a place to live. He's just dragging his feet and you've already mentally signed up for another MONTH of it. Girl, you have got to find your spine and insist on your worth. 

Edited June 4, 2020 by Crazelnut

[Redhead14]

If he will do it with you, he will do it to you. 

[S2B]

IF he really wanted a place to move to now - he would be doing the action to secure a new place.

he would be driving by instead of coming to visit you - OR he would be asking you to go on a drive with him to see what place is best!

my son works 6 days a week right now - and yesterday he spent his day off driving by places he looked at online because his lease is up soon. 
 

that is what people do when they need to move. The problem is - this MM doesn’t NEED to move! 
 

he won’t show what he really NEEDS to do until you end seeing him and stop moving YOUR deadline for him being decent to you.

He is perfectly comfortable Seeing you on the sly and going home to his wife/family - because he has nothing to lose at this point.

people don’t change things because they are comfortable. They change because they are uncomfortable. You are working too hard to keep him comfortable. So is his wife.

he would have moved by now IF he WANTED to move!

stop making it easy for him to place you lower on his priority list!!!

the 5TH IS your deadline! Stick to it! IF he hasn’t moved by then end it until he moves AND files for divorce!

Edited June 4, 2020 by S2B

[Redhead14]

59 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

My experience is mine.  He and I are not you

Said every side chick who was trying to convince herself that everyone else is wrong as well as her "little voice" inside.   And, be prepared for him to start feeling "that freedom" and start to wonder what else is out there IF he does get a place of his own.  New bachelor syndrome . . .

Edited June 4, 2020 by Redhead14

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you. I feel that coming to LS has been either the making or breaking. It's what has led me to question him, this could be a good thing but if he has been sincere with me then I have put unnecessary pressure on him based on feedback from here.

What I know is that,  I would be very surprised if he comes with news of a new place etc, he would of hid that very well and id be wondering how he has had the time. So, with thst being said, I am going to give him 4 weeks to move out. During these next 4 weeks, I want to see him looking, viewing and more proof of his commitment to me (in what form I do not know) perhaps more conversation with her?) 

This will be the last 4 week's. There is no doubt about it. I can't continue like this much longer.

don't tell him that unless you commit to sticking to it 100 percent. otherwise, you'll just teach him your words don't matter.
 

[Yosemite]

Did you give your husband a month and a half to move out? Nope. Sounds like you gave him two weeks...but your affair partner can't possibly move in two weeks, he needs a month and a half. He can't stay with his brother or some other family member for a week or two while he finds a place, he can't get a month to month lease in any basic apartment until he finds the perfect place...he needs a month and a half.

His excuses and lies don't even make sense. If he really told his wife that he wanted to separate, the first thing she would do is go through his phone and computer. You say that you text constantly, I'm guessing on a work phone, so she would wonder why he's getting after work hours texts on the work phone and would check it while he's in the bathroom/shower/sleeping. If she couldn't get into the phone, her suspicion would be up and she would follow him one day or put a tracker in his car to see if he's really going to an office in the middle of a quarantine. The fact that she's supposedly known that he wants to separate for 2 1/2 months and hasn't thrown him out or investigated until she found out about you indicates that she's completely in the dark. He hasn't told her that he wants to separate and he has no intention of leaving her.

Just wondering if you told him that you got married at 17 before he told you that he did. He could've just made up the entire story about his marriage to create a fake bond with you. It's extremely unusual, almost unheard of, that a 17 yr old guy would even get married, first of all, and then on top of that, would marry a woman 10 yrs older. I have never heard of that happening...maybe in 1934, but not 2005-ish. (Unfortunately, you hear about the opposite all the time, a 17 yr old girl marrying an older man.) If you told him about your marriage first...it could just be another lie in the long list of lies that he's told you.

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Did you give your husband a month and a half to move out? Nope. Sounds like you gave him two weeks...but your affair partner can't possibly move in two weeks, he needs a month and a half. He can't stay with his brother or some other family member for a week or two while he finds a place, he can't get a month to month lease in any basic apartment until he finds the perfect place...he needs a month and a half.

His excuses and lies don't even make sense. If he really told his wife that he wanted to separate, the first thing she would do is go through his phone and computer. You say that you text constantly, I'm guessing on a work phone, so she would wonder why he's getting after work hours texts on the work phone and would check it while he's in the bathroom/shower/sleeping. If she couldn't get into the phone, her suspicion would be up and she would follow him one day or put a tracker in his car to see if he's really going to an office in the middle of a quarantine. The fact that she's supposedly known that he wants to separate for 2 1/2 months and hasn't thrown him out or investigated until she found out about you indicates that she's completely in the dark. He hasn't told her that he wants to separate and he has no intention of leaving her.

Just wondering if you told him that you got married at 17 before he told you that he did. He could've just made up the entire story about his marriage to create a fake bond with you. It's extremely unusual, almost unheard of, that a 17 yr old guy would even get married, first of all, and then on top of that, would marry a woman 10 yrs older. I have never heard of that happening...maybe in 1934, but not 2005-ish. (Unfortunately, you hear about the opposite all the time, a 17 yr old girl marrying an older man.) If you told him about your marriage first...it could just be another lie in the long list of lies that he's told you.

I told my husband to leave the very next day. Anither of his reasons for not moving out sooner is that he didn't want to leave her there, heartbroken during lockdown where she can't see her friends and family, when I quizzed him on how long he think it would be, he said 2 weeks probably, this tied in with my 5th June date so that's how come up with it. I feel like I may have not been clear enough in terms of how I will proceed should be not have done anything for 5th, I've been quite wet about it and tomorrow this changes. 

We were friends for over a year within a group of us before anything remotely started to happen. During this time we never liked eachother like that and we got to know eachother within the group. When he told her he wanted to seperate, he came to mine as normal the next day and he was so panicked that she might go check if his car was at the office or that she would just turn up following him or something. 

[Kiki55]

39 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

don't tell him that unless you commit to sticking to it 100 percent. otherwise, you'll just teach him your words don't matter.
 

I do intend on sticking with it. I am already hurting, feeling low and anxious, so I don't believe I will cling onto this any longer than that, I might as well be hurt while healing instead of hurt in limbo to then hurt and heal. 

[Kiki55]

46 minutes ago, S2B said:

IF he really wanted a place to move to now - he would be doing the action to secure a new place.

he would be driving by instead of coming to visit you - OR he would be asking you to go on a drive with him to see what place is best!

my son works 6 days a week right now - and yesterday he spent his day off driving by places he looked at online because his lease is up soon. 
 

that is what people do when they need to move. The problem is - this MM doesn’t NEED to move! 
 

he won’t show what he really NEEDS to do until you end seeing him and stop moving YOUR deadline for him being decent to you.

He is perfectly comfortable Seeing you on the sly and going home to his wife/family - because he has nothing to lose at this point.

people don’t change things because they are comfortable. They change because they are uncomfortable. You are working too hard to keep him comfortable. So is his wife.

he would have moved by now IF he WANTED to move!

stop making it easy for him to place you lower on his priority list!!!

the 5TH IS your deadline! Stick to it! IF he hasn’t moved by then end it until he moves AND files for divorce!

I need to hear him out. I know this much, from there I will decide whether to go NC from tomorrow or allow for 4 weeks to be completely moved out (but if no clear signs of effort from him within 1 week I'm gone) 

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

FOUR more weeks? Four more weeks of this agony. I agree -- give him 1 week to sign a lease. Maybe instead of playing house and pretending to be Step Dad at your place, he should be out looking for a place to live. He's just dragging his feet and you've already mentally signed up for another MONTH of it. Girl, you have got to find your spine and insist on your worth. 

I know, I do. I just gotta ahead him out tomorrow. Then make my decision. I certainly don't go beyond 4 weeks now but this all depends on what he says tomorrow, it could be a case of NC from tomorrow. 

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I told my husband to leave the very next day. Anither of his reasons for not moving out sooner is that he didn't want to leave her there, heartbroken during lockdown where she can't see her friends and family, when I quizzed him on how long he think it would be, he said 2 weeks probably, this tied in with my 5th June date so that's how come up with it. I feel like I may have not been clear enough in terms of how I will proceed should be not have done anything for 5th, I've been quite wet about it and tomorrow this changes. 

We were friends for over a year within a group of us before anything remotely started to happen. During this time we never liked eachother like that and we got to know eachother within the group. When he told her he wanted to seperate, he came to mine as normal the next day and he was so panicked that she might go check if his car was at the office or that she would just turn up following him or something. 

 

1 hour ago, LilKatKat said:

There are many times I thought this myself.  After all, he spent an hour and a half roundtrip 4 or 5 times a week (we didn't work together) to meet with me for dinners, movies, theatre, or just sitting on the sofa watching TV.  It wasn't sex all the time and mostly it wasn't were we ended up.  He too went home one day and just said he was leaving but had to sort things out because you don't just up and walk away one day.  There are finances to figure out, living arrangements etc. She of course fought him on it.  Thought it was a good marriage despite the low they were experiencing.  The more she fought and the more I acquiesced, the more comfortable he got with the arrangement.

My instinct was to question whether he would leave but the logic of everything he was doing to "show me" how much he loved me and wanted to be with me seemed to contradict my instinct.  In the end, my instinct was correct.  Yes, he ultimately left her - more like she chucked him out.  Wonder if she hadn't if he'd still be there.  Somehow I doubt that the 10X10 room he lives in will be enough for too much longer while his family lives in their home and his kids barely interact with him.

 

I can't tell you how often I said this to him - he was being cruel giving her hope by staying if he actually intended to leave.  He was also being cruel to me giving me hope if he wasn't.  Truth is, he was only concerned with what was easiest for him.  His response?  He's trying to let her down gently and soften the blow.  This went on for 6 months before I refused to let another goal post be moved and so being at an impasse we went NC for 5 months.

Interestingly, when I spoke with her (about 7 hours total this past March), she had no idea her marriage was bad or not sustainable.  He was just behaving the way he always did when things hit a bump:  hold a grudge and retreat.  Wasn't surprised as I saw a lot of that myself in the latter part of our initial relationship and the 6 weeks of the second phase. Whenever we had a disagreement, his thoughts went to Cat.  After all, he wasn't disagreeing with her as he wasn't with her.  Who wants to live like that. 

My experience is mine.  He and I are not you and yours so it may work out differently for you but there are many parallels.

It sounds very similar. Scarily similar. I don't know for sure what to expect at the moment so thinking if possible things to say or do is tricky. I'm going to do some bullet points tonight