Yosemite Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: I know, I feel it in my gut this is wrong and that's because of his he has been recently. It was lifting me up for some time but these past few weeks I've never felt so low. There is still no sign of him. Very strange for a Friday. I can feel myself wanting to cry. How do I stop it? I can't have him see me crying... Hugssssss!!! You can do this!❤❤❤❤ He's just one man, a lying man. A cheater and a manipulator. The truth may hurt now, but you'll be stronger once you get through the pain. PLEASE kick him to the curb, heal, and make yourself available to a man worthy of your love and care. This guy isn't it. Stay strong, you can do it!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) If he doesn’t show up today he is an even bigger coward and jerk than I previously thought. stay strong! You deserve better!!! Edited June 5, 2020 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I have been following your story and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My suggestion would be to take control of the situation and end it yourself, for yourself. I have been in a similar situation myself and there comes a point where you have to have some dignity and respect for yourself and walk away. It doesn’t mean you love him any less it means you love yourself more. You have been to generous with your time and stuck in a limbo land whilst his life continues to go on. You are worthy of someone who will show you off to the world and put you and your feelings first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Yosemite said: Wow just try to stay strong. You got this! Love should lift you up...this affair is doing nothing but tearing you down. I hope that you find the strength to leave him in the dust even if he does show up today. (What a coward he is if he doesnt even go to your place.) He is here now, hasn't mentioned it, don't even know how to start the conversation... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I’d say if he doesn’t bring it up then end it when he’s getting ready to leave. That would be enough evidence to me that he doesn’t keep his word. i would never be able to trust him again. Without trust - there’s nothing to work with in a relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Kiki55 said: I know, I feel it in my gut this is wrong and that's because of his he has been recently. It was lifting me up for some time but these past few weeks I've never felt so low. There is still no sign of him. Very strange for a Friday. I can feel myself wanting to cry. How do I stop it? I can't have him see me crying... Please try not to cry don’t show him any weakness. If he doesn’t show up then that tells you everything you need to know about him. I really hope that doesn’t happen as that is so cruel. Has he arrived yet ? Stay strong and don’t fold. Hugs xo xo xo Link to post Share on other sites
MIUI Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Separated from wife but doesn't want her to have any hints of him having an affair? Sorry but he is not as serious as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 14 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: He is here now, hasn't mentioned it, don't even know how to start the conversation... No point in hanging about waiting till the end of the day, that will drive you insane. Just get straight to the point. Tell him you want to discuss the deadline that you gave him 3-4 weeks ago and you want to know what plans he has made to leave W, when he will leave and how he sees things with you and him going forward. Listen to what he has to say and if it’s not good enough then end it and tell him once he’s free and single to be in a relationship with you then to give you a call. Hugs xo Link to post Share on other sites
Lurker123 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Please bring this up with him today Kiki. You have to. You have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever- imagine going into then weekend none the wiser and spending the whole weekend in agony when you could know for sure one way or the other today. Personally I think it’s really cruel that he knew about this deadline (I know you have mentioned it numerous time) and had turned up firstly late, and secondly with nothing to tell you. I think both those things tell you everything you need to know about where he stands going forward. Sorry 😕 I just can’t understand how if him and his wife are actually separated- why isn’t he moving out? He has zero excuses not to leave. It makes me think that actually they are still very much together x 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 51 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: He is here now, hasn't mentioned it, don't even know how to start the conversation... Is he just acting like everything's ok? He's going to pretend that he forgot about the deadline? Ugh, I'm so angry for you! I think that you should bring it up, just ask him if he has any plans to leave his wife? If he says yes, ask him what proof he has. If he tries to pretend like the Whatsapp message was supposed to be the proof, say that you were expecting real proof that he moved out like a signed lease. If he says that he needs more time, just tell him that's not good enough. That it's over. I would even ask him why he was late today... You can't go through 4 more weeks of this...you need an answer now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I dont think he will end it. You will have to be the one to do so. He will keep you around as long as you allow it. The fact he didnt mention anything first thing when he got there is just cruel. That he hasnt been telling you any progress of what is going on is cruel. Sounds like my ex. When he knew there was something we/I needed to talk about, he would purposely leave me hanging. It was complete torture. It definitely felt like some sort of manipulation tactic. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Please, do NOT have sex with him today! That’s rewarding bad behavior! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: I dont think he will end it. You will have to be the one to do so. He will keep you around as long as you allow it. The fact he didnt mention anything first thing when he got there is just cruel. This. My heart hurts for you. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I agree that he won't end it. That's not what he wants. He wants things just as they are. He'll offer excuses, say he needs more time, and that'll be that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 Hi everybody, to update you, He has got some viewings next week, I am going with him. Shown me the confirmation. We had a good talk for 3 hours, he stayed later today, he got up late this morning - missed his alarm. I don't know if I have mentioned to you all that he has aspergers... this affects how people react emotionally. He doesn't show any major symptoms but he is unable to read people sometimes. He told me it isn't going to be easy, he knows I have sacrificed alot for him and promises me he wouldn't have delved so deep into my life, my kids life's if he wasn't serious. But he assures me that he is also making sacrifices for me. He said the 2 main reasons for keeping me from his wife is not necessarily her feelings Although he does think about that. He said he wants to show me off to the world, he said she will cause issues with him seeing his kids, whereas now, they have an agreement for when he moves out. The second reason is financially, we have a mutual friend who told us she could get more than half of everything if she knows he has committed adultery. I told him that I wasn't sure he was serious, I didn't feel the viewings were concrete enough and I said we should split until he has moved out. He told me he would do that to prove to me but said he didn't think it should have to come to that. He got quite emotional (for him) a bit teary and said he was in shock. He said when he 'feels' he struggles to express it and the last few days/weeks it's all he has thought about and has gone in himself a bit. He was holding me so close, sniffing my hair, squeezing me so tight. I was getting upset and said I didn't want to split with him. I seen a real different side of him today, very scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) Has he seen a lawyer to find out exactly what the financial ramifications are? Did you give him another "deadline" for when he must move? Edited June 5, 2020 by Crazelnut Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 She'll probably get half anyway since she's been a SAHM all these years. Child support, alimony. Has he looked at these figures? He's in for a huge shock. In fact, I hope she does, considering. Just more lies on top of lies to cover his own a$$. It could be seen as abandonment if he ups and leaves the family home - he'll have almost no claim to it if he does that. You know the kids are going to talk, right? Hopefully next week (after his weekend back at home with his family) he'll get to sign an actual lease. He needs to see a lawyer ASAP before making any moves whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 44 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: The second reason is financially, we have a mutual friend who told us she could get more than half of everything if she knows he has committed adultery. Do you actually know that though? Many places do not take adultery into consideration at all. Speak to a lawyer or look it up online and find out for yourself is my advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Found this online: https://www.teeslaw.com/insights/can-adultery-affect-divorce/ Doesn't look like in the UK cheating will make one iota in the eyes of the court when he goes to divorce. He has ZERO excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Found some info on a lawyer's site in the UK: "Does adultery affect the divorce settlement? When people file for divorce on the grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour, they often feel that, because they are the ‘injured party’, they should be entitled to a more favourable financial settlement. However, this is a common misconception. In nearly all cases, the reasons for the divorce are not relevant when deciding how the marital assets should be divided. The court doesn’t look to apportion blame or penalise either party, save in very unusual circumstances. The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 sets out the criteria that are to be used when determining how the couple’s assets should be dealt with (in the absence of an agreement), and what the terms of their financial settlement should be. So, it’s highly unlikely that the court will take adultery into account when making a decision regarding the financial aspects of the marriage. If you filed for divorce because of adultery, you should not expect to receive a more favourable settlement as a consequence." He should be alright. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) He needs to talk to a lawyer if he is planning to leave the marriage. The woman can’t keep him from seeing his children - he needs a separation agreement that gives them shared and equal custody. A legal agreement is far more valuable and a much better plan than “keeping your relationship a secret from her.” No offence, but that sounds like a child’s plan. Adults consult lawyers before making major life decisions. He doesn’t have anything to stand on if he doesn’t have an actual agreement that specifies finances and a custody arrangement. The fact that he has aspergers explains a lot - in that he’s a man’s man who doesn’t express his feelings, and the fact that he showed up today and said nothing to you - pretty much oblivious of the anxiety he has caused you by his lack of communication. Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: He should be alright. He’s going to owe her a lot of money as it relates to child support and spousal support, especially considering that she has been a stay at home mom and she has no other income. She will be required to get a job most likely, as she is able bodied and able to work. But, if I am remembering the details correctly they have been together for many years, they share a home together, they have children together... the financial reality of divorce is going to be sobering for him when he actually does consult a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 59 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: The second reason is financially, we have a mutual friend who told us she could get more than half of everything if she knows he has committed adultery. If you are in the U.K., which I think you are then this is not correct. When xmm was going through his divorce they just applied online as the kids had left home. They weren’t using lawyers at all. They had agreed to split the profits from the sale of their family home 50/50. She was keeping her pension and he was keeping his. Also he was not making any claim on a small piece of land that she owned. Most lawyers these days don’t grant more than 50% but if kids are involved and she doesn’t work then he may have to support her and the kids. She will be able to claim child tax credit and others benefits. How do you feel ? Do you think he was being honest with you ? Hope you are ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 20 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: She'll probably get half anyway since she's been a SAHM all these years. Child support, alimony. Has he looked at these figures? He's in for a huge shock. In fact, I hope she does, considering. Just more lies on top of lies to cover his own a$$. It could be seen as abandonment if he ups and leaves the family home - he'll have almost no claim to it if he does that. You know the kids are going to talk, right? Hopefully next week (after his weekend back at home with his family) he'll get to sign an actual lease. He needs to see a lawyer ASAP before making any moves whatsoever. This. She's going to get $$ anyway. And she WILL find out. Your kids are going to talk to his kids, who are going to talk to Mom. Imagine her pain at finding out that he's been at your house playing step dad to YOUR kids instead of being at home being real dad to HIS kids. He needs to come clean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) Yes, she will get money since she has been a SAHM. He will have to support her and the kids and their household until she is able to get under her feet. If she requires schooling, then he will have to fully support her home until she is done with schooling. In an earlier post, you made a point to point out that she cried about having to get a job. When you spend your life giving to your spouse and supporting them in their career and many years later, you are thrown to the wolves, it is hard. You start at a very low wage. Not something she can support herself. Given the comments you have made about her and her lack of having outside employment...trust me being a SAHM is a job shows what you think of her. Edited June 5, 2020 by Starswillshine 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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