Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

For sure Beca, there are those who decide to stay and fight for their man. 

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

I would be the same as you and let them go. However I’m finding more and more when I read stuff online that so many women do take back cheating H and seem to want them more if there is OW on the scene. I don’t get it, it’s like the W, the H and the OW are all broken in some way. 

[Beca L]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is Kiki's kids and the fact he has played happy families with them for months.
This cant be kept secret and who knows who else already knows.
If I was one of the kids I  would have already looked up his wife and kids on FB...

 

I’m not sure if they are old enough for FB. Most kids just use snap chat and instagram. I don’t think her kids would be saying anything to his family. Obviously later down the line when the kids meet each other that might happen but that is a long way off and I guess they will deal with that at the time. By then they might be divorced and custody agreements in place and finances sorted. Also they don’t even live in the same town. I think he’s worried about his family finding out but he seems quite happy to tell work colleagues and for Kiki’s friends & family to know. 

[Kiki55]

21 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Hi,

my story is on the site. It is ‘went back to his wife after a year together ‘ 

I’ve been in NC for 6 months. MM left his wife after 2 months ( we work in a school, I’d known him about 5 years). We were together over a year. A lot of the time he was living here with me and my 3 kids. He went back in Jan 2018 and then he spent the following 2 years keeping me as the OW telling me he regretted going back and that he was deeply in love with me and that he’d made a terrible mistake but didn’t know how he could leave again. I finally had enough and we had a big row before Xmas. I’ve not spoken to him since and he’s not tried to contact me either. I see him at school and we just ignore each other which is horrific. At least the lock down has helped as I’ve not seen him for about 11 weeks. Not sure how I’ll feel when I see him again. Schools where I live go back in 3 weeks so I will probably see him then. 
Thinking about you and I hope you are right about MM. Xo 

Wow that must be have been and continue to be so difficult. Especially continuing to work together. Seems like you are much better out of it and although we know it, it doesn't make the heartache any easier... are you feeling better 6 months on? Has the pain lessened? Are you trying to find somebody new? I guess the last question is hard during this lockdown...  

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

15 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I would be the same as you and let them go. However I’m finding more and more when I read stuff online that so many women do take back cheating H and seem to want them more if there is OW on the scene. I don’t get it, it’s like the W, the H and the OW are all broken in some way. 

It's like it becomes a game, a competition to see who can win the star prize, it's just the star prize is an a*****e 

I don't want to play this game. If this is meant to be, it'll happen but I'm not making any effort now until he does. I know I've seen a different side to him today, his emotional side... I guess time will tell. I am giving him 4 weeks in my head to contact me, I won't be telling him this. If he hasn't by then I am moving on. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

But this woman is a stay at home Mom with two teenagers, it usually kind of changes things.
She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.
She probably doesn't want to be thrown back into the job market and dating pool at her age.
"love"  may have gone out the window the minute he cheated, but she is not going to sit back and lose it all.

[RebeccaR]

All their colleagues know they’re having an affair. It’s unrealistic that no one will let it slip and from there it might get back to the wife. It’s possible she’ll never find out, but all it takes is one chance remark.

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if they are old enough for FB. Most kids just use snap chat and instagram. I don’t think her kids would be saying anything to his family. Obviously later down the line when the kids meet each other that might happen but that is a long way off and I guess they will deal with that at the time. By then they might be divorced and custody agreements in place and finances sorted. Also they don’t even live in the same town. I think he’s worried about his family finding out but he seems quite happy to tell work colleagues and for Kiki’s friends & family to know. 

Well, my kids don't know too much about him. They know his first name, I haven't told them his surname and to be honest they haven't asked. Down the line, if it comes to it, I honestly doubt it will get brought up thst he was here. I can't see them meeting for at least a year. We have made some mistakes along the way but we do intend to do things right now... obviously, I would prefer to come clean to his wife but not my decision but in terms of the kids, we are going to protect them as best we can from now. We've acted very irrational and silly. Me in particular bringing him into the home but what a done is done. If he doesn't come back I will just tell them he has moved away and it was best to end it. 

[Kiki55]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But this woman is a stay at home Mom with two teenagers, it usually kind of changes things.
She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.
She probably doesn't want to be thrown back into the job market and dating pool at her age.
"love"  may have gone out the window the minute he cheated, but she is not going to sit back and lose it all.

@BaileyB I am with you on this but I do understand @elaine567 comment. Some women will hold onto it. Especially if they are a bit older. 

On another note, do you ever worry that what you post might give away your identity somehow? I've been a bit concerned over some of the details I've expressed here. What if she or any other concerned W went looking and seen these forums and content. I'm reluctant to give too much away and there is so much more I could say to sway opinion. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

All their colleagues know they’re having an affair. It’s unrealistic that no one will let it slip and from there it might get back to the wife. It’s possible she’ll never find out, but all it takes is one chance remark.

She lives in a different city. Doesn't know anybody in mine. I am concerned by my name, hair colour place of work... (without giving too much away for fear of revealing too many details and be exposed on this forum) she could easily put 2 and 2 together when he does go public with me. I know she has been a bit suspicious of something in the past. 

[Kiki55]

56 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved. Lots of people keep talking about him telling the W about Kiki but I don’t see how that is going to help anyone. It will devastate his W she will be even more heartbroken and less likely to give him up. The kids will be dragged in to the whole thing, scorned women don’t sit around taking it and silently moving on with their life and agreeing to a divorce. They will rant and rave and tell the children what a B...D their dad is. The W will then hound Kiki, possibly her H and family. It will be a nightmare. 
I think he should leave, deal with his separation and apply for the divorce and then in time start dating Kiki. This way their relationship will have a far greater chance of success and less people will be hurt. 
I know many will disagree with what I suggest but what personal  experience do you have ??

I have been through it and if it could turn back the clock to where Kiki is today I would have walked and asked xmm to leave his W, separate and start the divorce and in time once he had dealt with the break down of his marriage we could have started dating. Instead he walked out, told his W all about me. She went crazy, hounded me with letters at work, Facebook messages, turned his sons against him, refused to divorce  and never gave up begging him to returns for at least 8-10 months. 

I agree with this totally but I would be happy to go through the consequences with him if he wanted to tell her the truth... for me though, I couldn't imagine not being with him until his divoroce is finalised. I am happy to go NC for 4 weeks now, well not happy but I know I need to do this but once he has (if he does) then I want to see him again strsight away. I love him and want to support him anyway I can once he has shown me that he has done what he promised. I don't think it's also fair to let him go through all that alone, without my support for me to then try and turn up once everything is rosey 'So to speak'

Do you understand where I am coming from? He stayed with me through my break up, he has supported me and I guess will continue to support me when I get my divorce too. 

[Amethyst68]

I always say it wouldn't be me  to stay and fight for a man who had an affair but I've never been in that position so who knows. Especially with a decades long marriage and young teen and pre-teen children.

The thing you all don't take into consideration is that the BW who stay and fight for the marriage have to have a husband to fight for that marriage with! Often they stay because it's their husband begging them not to leave, to give the marriage another chance. The MM is hardly going to tell their OW that though, it doesn't fit their narrative, especially if they think they might want to hook up again at a later date.

Obviously some MM leave, not all of them through their own volition. When they do leave, as we've seen on many threads here they often go back or look for someone new after the split, someone not connected to the breakdown of their marriage.

You have to look after you, your children should be your priority at this point. Perhaps think about getting your own separation agreement in place while your husband is agreeable because that may change as he more time to think about the situation.

 

 

[Amethyst68]

23 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I know she has been a bit suspicious of something in the past. 

I thought this all started 6 weeks ago? Are you saying there was actually something going on before then? Or is it that he has done something similar with someone else in the past?

[Beca L]

51 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.

This makes sense and I agree but when you actually read what you’ve just said it also makes me mad. (Not you or your comments but the fact that this does happen) If they believe the love might have gone and they aren’t really fighting for him it all just seems so wrong. At the end of the day everyone is left hurt and damaged. No one really wins. 
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic and I want true love, a connection, passion, common interests, emotional and physical intimacy. Why are people prepared to settle for far less than that just to maintain the status quo or their family (which is now broken, maybe will never be the same). Life is far too short 

[Allupinnit]

@Beca L - because marriages go through ups and downs and left to itself a marriage will whither away.  They take ACTIVE work.  People can and DO fall back in love all the time after what they thought was an impossible hurdle.  Even affairs.

[Beca L]

40 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Do you understand where I am coming from? He stayed with me through my break up, he has supported me and I guess will continue to support me when I get my divorce too. 

Yes I do because I did that. I was his emotional crutch for 12 months. I supported him, helped him find a house to rent, went to IKEA with him to buy stuff, lent him beds, crockery etc. Encouraged him to keep in contact with his sons even when they continuously rejected him. I helped him though so many aspects of the separation, divorce, house sale etc. Yes I was single but that year was very much about him and his emotional needs, he needed a lot of attention. I was happy to give it but as I started to get sick of the ‘me me me all the time’ and his  depression about his sons ( he didn’t put much effort in to trying to reconnect with them ) and when I started to demand more commitment towards me and my kids and our future life together that’s when he started thinking about going back to her. My life had too many complications ! That’s what he kept telling me. So I get what you are saying but remember you can still be a support to him but he’s a big boy and he needs to deal with it himself and you don’t need to be his crutch !!! 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved.

I think it depends on the person. Some wives want nothing to do with a WH, others chase as you say.

@Kiki55 if it was me I wouldn't push him to tell his wife about you unless/until he's comfortable doing that (which my best guess means until after the divorce is fully finalized AND the consequences or lack thereof have been verified with lawyers). I DO think that you won't be able to keep this hidden indefinitely. At some point there will be a slip up with the kids around to hear it. So I think that eventually you'll want to reveal.

That's just my opinion, so do what you think is best, but I think the kids may feel better if you come out and tell them at some point, rather than them finding out suddenly by accident. They may hate or at least have some distaste for the AP step parent (on both sides) but that may be unavoidable, depending on their personalities/acceptance levels for such things. I do think that once the kids find out, the other parent will be told, asking them to not tell would be very unfair and probably quite unrealistic anyhow.

[Beca L]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Beca L - because marriages go through ups and downs and left to itself a marriage will whither away.  They take ACTIVE work.  People can and DO fall back in love all the time after what they thought was an impossible hurdle.  Even affairs.

Yes they do and I realise they take work. However I see so many people who have been married for 15, 20, 25+ Years and they seem so miserable and unhappy. I realise this isn’t all marriages but lots of people do stay together not because of love but because they are too scared to be on their own or live without their habit even if they are miserable. I just don’t understand why people do that. I have previously discussed this with my IC and she describes it as the fact that comfort and stability are sometimes more important to people that love and a connection. It is good enough for them to remain in a relationship. 
I guess my worry for Kiki is that her MM may not feel love for his wife anymore or be happy but the comfort and security thing is going to be hard to give up, it might just be good enough to keep him in the marriage. 

[Allupinnit]

@Beca L - just because people stay together rather than tear apart an entire life built together because the "loving feelings" are gone doesn't make it any less of a noble thing.  Passion doesn't last - it's why affairs are SO addictive.  It isn't real.  And it's an intermittent hit of dopamine when your phone lights up with that delicious secret.  Agony when it doesn't.

People who are miserable tend to be miserable whether single or married.  There is an entire multi-billion dollar marriage building industry for a reason - most people are clueless about what makes a marriage happy long-term.  It requires one to change THEMSELVES first rather than point the finger at your partner or walk around feeling short-changed when your marriage doesn't look like you thought it would.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Allupinnit

[Beca L]

19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Beca L - just because people stay together rather than tear apart an entire life built together because the "loving feelings" are gone doesn't make it any less of a noble thing.  Passion doesn't last - it's why affairs are SO addictive.  It isn't real.  And it's an intermittent hit of dopamine when your phone lights up with that delicious secret.  Agony when it doesn't.

People who are miserable tend to be miserable whether single or married.  There is an entire multi-billion dollar marriage building industry for a reason - most people are clueless about what makes a marriage happy long-term.  It requires one to change THEMSELVES first rather than point the finger at your partner or walk around feeling short-changed when your marriage doesn't look like you thought it would.

I think it’s hard for me to understand because I haven’t experienced it myself.  Plus I didn’t grow up with it. My parents divorced when I was 15 but my father had been working abroad for years so he wasn’t really present both physically or emotionally. 
I realise passion goes but I would like to think that I can end up with someone that I will still fancy as we get older, hold hands, cwtch (as we say in Wales) and want to do things together. I don’t want to lose those ‘loving feelings’ if they aren’t there any more think I’d rather be on my own. But I do understand what you mean I just can’t compare as I’ve never experienced it. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think it’s hard for me to understand because I haven’t experienced it myself.  Plus I didn’t grow up with it. My parents divorced when I was 15 but my father had been working abroad for years so he wasn’t really present both physically or emotionally. 
I realise passion goes but I would like to think that I can end up with someone that I will still fancy as we get older, hold hands, cwtch (as we say in Wales) and want to do things together. I don’t want to lose those ‘loving feelings’ if they aren’t there any more think I’d rather be on my own.

I know it’s possible Beca, because my parents had this... for 40 years. I’m sure it wasn’t all wine and roses, and I’m sure it was hard work some days, but they had this... And I agree with you, it’s what I want for my relationship too. 

[Allupinnit]

18 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think it’s hard for me to understand because I haven’t experienced it myself.  Plus I didn’t grow up with it. My parents divorced when I was 15 but my father had been working abroad for years so he wasn’t really present both physically or emotionally. 
I realise passion goes but I would like to think that I can end up with someone that I will still fancy as we get older, hold hands, cwtch (as we say in Wales) and want to do things together. I don’t want to lose those ‘loving feelings’ if they aren’t there any more think I’d rather be on my own. But I do understand what you mean I just can’t compare as I’ve never experienced it. 

The love I have for my H now is so much different, richer and deeper because of what we have come back from.  Anyway, I guess we're getting OT now.  

[pepperbird]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He needs to talk to a lawyer if he is planning to leave the marriage. The woman can’t keep him from seeing his children - he needs a separation agreement that gives them shared and equal custody. 

A legal agreement is far more valuable and a much better plan than “keeping your relationship a secret from her.” No offence, but that sounds like a child’s plan. Adults consult lawyers before making major life decisions. He doesn’t have anything to stand on if he doesn’t have an actual agreement that specifies finances and a custody arrangement.

The fact that he has aspergers explains a lot - in that he’s a man’s man who doesn’t express his feelings, and the fact that he showed up today and said nothing to you - pretty much oblivious of the anxiety he has caused you by his lack of communication. 

 

Okay, I have to correct something here.
As someone who is autistic,he may not be able to read KiKI,'s emotional expression. That does NOT mean he can't understand that the way he;s treating her is hurtful.

 

[heartwhole2]

To answer the question about BWs who fight for their marriages, I think what we're getting at is the instinctual pull to "mate guard." Just as hysterical bonding and mate poaching are driven by instinct and hormones, so too is mate guarding. The BW may not be having conscious thoughts like, "Hmmm, let me make a pro/con list if I want to fight for my marriage," but rather is just pulled along by this irrational need to squash the rival before figuring out what she really wants. After all, if a little bit of fighting for the mate makes the rival go away, then maybe the marriage really is salvageable, and those oft cited other reasons of kids and finances and interwoven lives make going with the instinct not so crazy. 

[Amethyst68]

There is also the fact that many MP realise their affair won't last in the cold hard daylight. That the "in love" feeling is or was infatuation which felt amazing in the moment but is nothing solid to build on. Again, another thing not popular on this particular forum is that a lot of MM do wake up on seeing the pain they've caused and realise what they'd be throwing away.

Of course there are those serial cheaters who fool both spouse and AP so they'll not be out of pocket and always have someone take care of them.

Unfortunately the stats don't support relationships which are the result of an affair. The last ones I saw online said less 10% go on to establish relationships and 75% of those don't make it 5 years. 

There are of course always exceptions.

[Amethyst68]

One last thing to factor in is the children, from what I have read many BS struggle with the fact they would have to give up part of their time with their children. Add in the factor that their spouse may bring them them into contact with their AP and the BS is ready for war.

Many BS stay in the marriage for this reason only, until the children are out of school and independent. 

I guess a lot of people are more pragmatic when making their decisions after being betrayed. I don't actually blame them, loves all well and good but it doesn't pay the bills, put food on the table or clothes on your family"s backs. If they need to take the time to consider what's best for them then they should take it. No it's not the romance of the affair but it's life and like it or not some people are not in the position to cope financially on their own.

.