Amethyst68 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Has he shown you proof he is actually staying with his brother? I know what I'm going to say next is going to be taken as me always saying negative things on this forum but it's honestly something I've been wondering about when it came to your MM. Your MM's been coming to your home every day for work telling his wife he's going to the office when he's supposed to be working from home, now suddenly when he's moving out in a week or two he can't come to your place, can't go to the office, where's he going go for work? To start working from home at this point would raise suspicions, where's he been going these past weeks? So he's going to his brother's place daily, he can take pics there to show he's there, his brother may even cover for him. Maybe it's just me, I've always had a slightly cynical outlook, unfortunately it's been proven right in a lot of occasions in my life. I'm not saying that's the case here but hold firm until he's showing you round his well lived in new place. I hope you're feeling ok after the accident, I know the few days after can sometimes be the most painful. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 58 minutes ago, Yosemite said: Really? That's what he thought when you gave him a firm deadline of the 5th to provide proof that he's moved out? He took that to mean that you were ok with him not moving out? Lol ok. Yes. On 5/20/2020 at 6:54 PM, Kiki55 said: I have today given him a deadline and he seems happy and has accepted it. This deadline is 2 weeks away, it may seem I have not given him enough time but this is something we have spoken about before. He has accepted the deadline to be in the process of moving out. Another shift of the goal posts. "If only I had known you wanted me to move out of my marital home..." And Amethyst makes a good point this guy has been barefaced lying to his wife every day of the lockdown, why wouldn't he lie to you, if it will get him what he wants. "Oh silly me, I didn't know you wanted me to move out" = lie. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ha-ha Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) Wrong thread Edited June 9, 2020 by Berlin Wrong thread Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 I'm flabbergasted that he thought you were ok with him living with his wife! Even after you gave him a deadline? That's just nonsense. I'm also in agreement that he might be lying about staying at his brother's. But time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 I remember a MM that used to post here saying once that whilst he and his OW were "in love", he didn't really consider it real love. More like - "We are having a great time and I love being with you" When she got more "serious" and demanded "more", he was genuinely shocked as he thought the "future faking" they frequently indulged in, was all part of the game. and she knew the score. Maybe here he just didn't take "the deadline" that seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexterr Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 It truly doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or your boundaries whatsoever.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 5 hours ago, Kiki55 said: Hi, so no he didn't turn up for work. he's moved out to his brothers while he gets a place. He viewed one yesterday and looking likely he will take it. I just replied with "OK" He said he thought I was OK with him still staying there until he got a place but sees now that it's bothering me so much. He doesn't want to lose me, never felt like this etc. I'm still keeping strong and firm and won't respond again now. All he's had from me is the "OK" message He seems to have a pattern of taking your clear communication and then rewriting it to be only a fraction of what you asked. And then you are left feeling anxious that you haven't communicated well enough (you have) and you somehow wind up relieved that he's done anything when it's always less than you asked. Glad you are breaking the cycle. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) To be clear, I don't think he consciously lies to you. I think he has a lot of crappy coping mechanisms to avoid hard feelings and conversations. He doesn't want to deal with separation and divorce so he conveniently interprets your words to mean he doesn't have to. If this relationship continues long term, these issues will not go away. Developing self-awareness and resilience doesn't happen by flipping a switch; it requires accepting that there are issues and committing to work hard every day. Edited June 9, 2020 by heartwhole2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Yosemite said: The no sex/no contact is motivating him to take action. Kind of sounds like a snap decision that he made at the last minute when you didn't respond to his texts. This would scare me. First, his inaction would be a huge concern for me. And now, his rash action would concern me. He is now making a decision based on fear - fear of losing you. That’s not usually the best way to make a decision. From your perspective, he is doing what is required if he wants to be with you. But, he is actually doing exactly what you have long said you didn’t want him to do - moving out because you have forced his hand, you have given him an ultimatum. He is not actually thinking right now - he is reacting. And that is worrisome because what if he decides someday down the road that this was a rash decision, he actually wants to be with his family. It’s just not how I would want to start a relationship with a man. I just don’t think it’s healthy for either of you, and I worry about your kids (particularly his kids). Edited June 9, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 40 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This would scare me. First, his inaction would be a huge concern for me. And now, his rash action would concern me. He is now making a decision based on fear - fear of losing you. That’s not usually the best way to make a decision. From your perspective, he is doing what is required if he wants to be with you. But, he is actually doing exactly what you have long said you didn’t want him to do - moving out because you have forced his hand, you have given him an ultimatum. He is not actually thinking right now - he is reacting. And that is worrisome because what if he decides someday down the road that this was a rash decision, he actually wants to be with his family. It’s just not how I would want to start a relationship with a man. I just don’t think it’s healthy for either of you, and I worry about your kids (particularly his kids). BaileyB this is exactly my thinking. When I analyse what happened with my xMM this is what happened. He was so frightened he would lose me as I said I wouldn’t be his OW he moved out 4 days before Xmas. When I look back at it now it just seems ridiculous. His family were broken, Xmas was ruined and they haven’t forgotten that even though he’s back now. My xmm reacted and he didn’t consider the long term implications. He just wanted his fix and he was going to do anything in order to get it. The damage he caused with his kids was so deep there was no way I was ever going to be accepted as his g/f or even future W. I guess Kiki55 we just hope he’s making the right decision for him and you and not because his hand has been forced. Otherwise there is a massive risk he will go back once he realises he left in haste. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 His form of interpreting your words and clear communication would turn me off - a LOT! he seems to be always Twisting what you say - to work in his favor to change nothing! this guy really doesn’t WANT to change things! He is trying really hard NOT to change things in his life. IF he ever says he’s changed anything - make sure he shows evidence. He is really slippery in the way he uses your words and changes things. That wouldn’t work for me - it would make me angry! and it looks like this is a style in communicating that has worked for him. It’s designed to manipulate! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) Hi guys, been busy with work today but wanted to give you a quick update earlier. So the messages I got from him following my crash was just about that, Him moving out to his brothers doesn't seem so irrational for me. As he has said, he has been there 11 weeks since separation, she was quite keen for him to go and his kids knew they had seperated and inevitably would be moving out. He knows I am not OK with him living there but perhaps he thought that I might allow it a little while longer considering his job prospects. He sent me a message today as follows: I am not expecting a response, I just wanted you to know that I have emailed <our boss' name> and asked if he they can consider allowing me remain consulting. I'm not sure I mentioned that he is meant to start permanent soon with a highly reduced salary, he said he was willing to make the sacrifice to continue working with me and put down some roots but as the job had appeared to become something he didn't want anymore and with the separation, he said it just wouldn't be financially viable. Over the lockdown, I guess we are all soul searching and wondering what our place is in this world, I am also questioning my role at work and whether this is something I wanna continue to do so I know how he feels however the last 2 days, I have got back into my work again and I'm assuming that perhaps he has too and thst is where the chanhe of heart has come in. All I think we really know right now is that we want to be together and we want to make it happen. Everything else is unknown in terms of job and lifestyle. I really want to message him back. I haven't but I do want to. Nothing with long lovey messages. Just something of continued support, just to let him know I'm still here. Plus it would be nice to understand and see for myself somehow that he has moved to his brothers. Without contact, I can't ask him to show/prove. What do you think? Edited June 9, 2020 by Kiki55 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 If he's staying at his brother's it means he had to be somewhere during the day, since he has to keep up the ruse at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Also I think he's lying about the job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: If he's staying at his brother's it means he had to be somewhere during the day, since he has to keep up the ruse at home. His brother doesn't know about us. His brothers W is good friends with his W. He wouldn't be there for work only. I would just like to add that, we have both been quite lazy this lockdown, we have done bear minimal work, just urgent stuff (and moaned about it) eaten and drank lots of rubbish, watched a lot of TV. I guess we became quite lethargic and just wanted to be together. Now we are seperate we can concentrate on actually building our lives. He seems to be doing thatnow he has this so called spare time. It's like we have been in a bubble for 12 weeks during lockdown. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 I understand. I just think it's worth noting that if he can lead a double life like this for an extended period of time, I imagine he's a skilled liar. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Also I think he's lying about the job. I have logged into my work email, there is a copy he has sent to me. It reads initially: Whilst I appreciate the offer of permanent employment. My personal circumstances have changed. My wife and I are separating and due to this, I can no longer afford to make the salary sacrifice to permanent employment.... mentions some other stuff not relevant to LS. I guess usually he would not of described the personal circumstances in detais however our boss is also a friend of ours.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: I understand. I just think it's worth noting that if he can lead a double life like this for an extended period of time, I imagine he's a skilled liar. Yes, I'm aware of that. His w has been suspcious for sometime. Approx 3 weeks into the affair he was telling me things she has noticed and picked up on. I guess, the lie of me has got so deep at home that if he did admit it now after lying for 14 weeks or more, then she would be even more livid that he's had ample opportunity to tell her. I don't think he is as good at leading a double life as we may think. Edited June 9, 2020 by Kiki55 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 But you've told us that you are out to your colleagues? So why would he have to tell his boss that he's separating from his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: But you've told us that you are out to your colleagues? So why would he have to tell his boss that he's separating from his wife Most of our colleagues know, seen us together all the time, people gossiping etc but we've not had a conversation with each and every one of them. This is just officially noting the separation and circumstance change with the boss. Edited June 9, 2020 by Kiki55 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 But this boss is a friend of both of yours but he doesn't know you're together? I'm sorry - a lot of this stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 Just now, Allupinnit said: But this boss is a friend of both of yours but he doesn't know you're together? I'm sorry - a lot of this stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. He will know but it's unspoken... we don't sit down as a company and discuss marital affairs... we were all together the night we kissed! It's a a large open plan company, with many departments, all gossiping. Within our department of 30-40 people, they've all seen us together many times, arriving together etc. Half of them have spoken to us about it and half of that half have mentioned several others that have been talking about it. It's an office, I don't know what you want me to say? I feel like you are trying to catch me out like I'm a liar or something? Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Why didn’t he ask for the better paid consulting to continue as soon as he agreed to leave his family for you? Sounds like he was hoping you wouldn’t push him. He doesn’t sound like an evil scheming liar to me, just an extremely wishy washy dude who wants both family and girlfriend. Your pushing him to leave is scrambling his circuits. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Just sit tight and don’t contact him! he knows what he needs to do - and when he actually does it - I imagine he will show evidence he’s moved and filed for divorce! theres nothing for YOU to gain by reaching out to him. Wait and he will show you what he intends to do or not do. you do you! You do what’s in YOUR best interest. and the job... keep working...doing less work when he’s around isn’t good business - you could have been fired during lockdown for not doing the work you’re paid to do. Just work during working hours. The last thing you need now is losing your job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Why didn’t he ask for the better paid consulting to continue as soon as he agreed to leave his family for you? Sounds like he was hoping you wouldn’t push him. He doesn’t sound like an evil scheming liar to me, just an extremely wishy washy dude who wants both family and girlfriend. Your pushing him to leave is scrambling his circuits. We did discuss this but he didn't k ow how to approach it. He's took the initiative and done it now. He was trying to please everybody and burying hid head in the sand. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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