Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I understand.  I just think it's worth noting that if he can lead a double life like this for an extended period of time, I imagine he's a skilled liar.

Yes, I'm aware of that. 

His w has been suspcious for sometime. Approx 3 weeks into the affair he was telling me things she has noticed and picked up on. I guess, the lie of me has got so deep at home that if he did admit it now after lying for 14 weeks or more, then she would be even more livid that he's had ample opportunity to tell her. I don't think he is as good at leading a double life as we may think. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Kiki55

[Allupinnit]

But you've told us that you are out to your colleagues?  So why would he have to tell his boss that he's separating from his wife?

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

But you've told us that you are out to your colleagues?  So why would he have to tell his boss that he's separating from his wife

Most of our colleagues know, seen us together all the time, people gossiping etc but we've not had a conversation with each and every one of them. This is just officially noting the separation and circumstance change with the boss. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Kiki55

[Allupinnit]

But this boss is a friend of both of yours but he doesn't know you're together?  I'm sorry - a lot of this stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  

[Kiki55]

Just now, Allupinnit said:

But this boss is a friend of both of yours but he doesn't know you're together?  I'm sorry - a lot of this stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  

He will know but it's unspoken... we don't sit down as a company and discuss marital affairs... we were all together the night we kissed! 

It's a a large open plan company, with many departments, all gossiping. Within our department of 30-40 people, they've all seen us together many times, arriving together etc. Half of them have spoken to us about it and half of that half have mentioned several others that have been talking about it. It's an office, I don't know what you want me to say? 

I feel like you are trying to catch me out like I'm a liar or something? 

[RebeccaR]

Why didn’t he ask for the better paid consulting to continue as soon as he agreed to leave his family for you? Sounds like he was hoping you wouldn’t push him. 
 

He doesn’t sound like an evil scheming liar to me, just an extremely wishy washy dude who wants both family and girlfriend. Your pushing him to leave is scrambling his circuits.

[Kiki55]

9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Why didn’t he ask for the better paid consulting to continue as soon as he agreed to leave his family for you? Sounds like he was hoping you wouldn’t push him. 
 

He doesn’t sound like an evil scheming liar to me, just an extremely wishy washy dude who wants both family and girlfriend. Your pushing him to leave is scrambling his circuits.

We did discuss this but he didn't k ow how to approach it. He's took the initiative and done it now. 

He was trying to please everybody and burying hid head in the sand. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy. 

[Kiki55]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

Just sit tight and don’t contact him!

he knows what he needs to do - and when he actually does it - I imagine he will show evidence he’s moved and filed for divorce!

theres nothing for YOU to gain by reaching out to him. Wait and he will show you what he intends to do or not do.

you do you! You do what’s in YOUR best interest.

and the job... keep working...doing less work when he’s around isn’t good business - you could have been fired during lockdown for not doing the work you’re paid to do. Just work during working hours. The last thing you need now is losing your job.

What if he worries i dont want him anymore? 

[RebeccaR]

He’s not going to stop burying his head in the sand once you’re in a permanent relationship, plus there’s a LOT of stress before you get there with the divorce and everything.

Are you really sure a guy who buries his head in the sand is what you want long term? The fantasy life of daytime cuddles  and slacking off at work can’t last forever.

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

He’s not going to stop burying his head in the sand once you’re in a permanent relationship, plus there’s a LOT of stress before you get there with the divorce and everything.

Are you really sure a guy who buries his head in the sand is what you want long term? The fantasy life of daytime cuddles  and slacking off at work can’t last forever.

Usually I'd agree with you but he isn't usually like this. I think the lockdown has got to alot of us. We're all coming out of this differently.

[Crazelnut]

Yeah, I don't understand the job thing. He's allegedly been "separated" and on his way to divorcing before this week. This shouldn't be new. So how did he think he was going to pay for an ex-wife and kids before? It's confusing, and makes me agree with the assessment of him as a wishy washy, pie in the sky dreamer. 

And I don't mean to be harsh, but dang woman! Everyone at your office knows you've been having an affair. Your boss knows. You've been slacking off during the COVID situation. It's like you guys are trying to get fired. You two have been so wrapped up in your affair that you've really made some poor decisions. Please listen to the advice you're getting here and TRY to be a little more rational about your careers. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by Crazelnut

[Allupinnit]

That and the WhatsApp message from his wife told him he needed this new permanent position and to move out.

[Allupinnit]

@kiki55 - I'm not trying to make you out as a liar.  But, you both HAVE lied to nearly everyone around you regarding the reality of your affair.  It's all going to come out!

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

I feel like he’s doing the same approach with you and his wife... 

People rarely change. Few have the capacity to be two entirely different people at the same time. 
The man he is to his wife will be the man he is to you.

[Starswillshine]

If he cares about you, he will send you proof. You would not have to ask. After all, he is still messaging you. 

You gave him your stipulations. If he isnt willing to do the things you told him without you reminding him you love him, he doesnt love you. 

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I'm not sure I mentioned that he is meant to start permanent soon with a highly reduced salary, he said he was willing to make the sacrifice to continue working with me and put down some roots but as the job had appeared to become something he didn't want anymore and with the separation, he said it just wouldn't be financially viable. 

Not sure why any boss would allow him to continue as a consultant when he's scheduled to do the same work for far less as a permanent employee. Your boss probably also has a boss who approves his budget...why would that get approved? Sounds like another lie he's told you to get you into bed, he never had any intention or expectation to continue at that job once his contract ended. 

You two have been living in an affair fantasy (barely working, spending 8 hours a day together 5 days a week.) Most affairs don't survive the harsh light of reality...I'm wondering if after you two no longer work together, and the secrecy and excitement of the affair is gone, if the relationship will survive. Most don't.

Quote

What if he worries i dont want him anymore? 

All he has to do is get a signed lease and you'll jump right back in his arms. Most men aren't really that particular about their housing, so why didn’t he sign a lease for the place that he saw on Sunday? As long as a place is clean (no rats) and safe (no drug den next door) most men don't really care especially if it's only temporary.

What's he waiting for if he's been separated from his wife going on 3 months? He can't possibly live in a place without crown molding? He needs original hard wood floors? If he were serious, he would sign a lease. He hasn't signed because he doesn't want to. He'll probably run the same game on you that he did before..."I didn't know you were serious when you said that you wanted a signed lease, gosh I see now that you really mean business...I'll go get a lease."

Edited June 9, 2020 by Yosemite

[PhoenixRising8]

3 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I'm not sure I mentioned that he is meant to start permanent soon with a highly reduced salary, he said he was willing to make the sacrifice to continue working with me and put down some roots but as the job had appeared to become something he didn't want anymore and with the separation, he said it just wouldn't be financially viable. 

 

3 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

Whilst I appreciate the offer of permanent employment. My personal circumstances have changed. My wife and I are separating and due to this, I can no longer afford to make the salary sacrifice to permanent employment....

The boss isn't likely to be sympathetic to his need for more money because he's separating, especially where an affair s concerned.  Not the boss' problem when he has a salary and department budget to manage. 

The financial reality of separation is very evident as is the set up of "I can't afford to move out if the job is permanent" and if the job can't continue on a consulting basis then "I have to take the permanent role until I find another consulting gig so I can afford to move out.  Hang in there ... I'm working on it".  I'd be surprised if I'm wrong.  Either way, a good delay to actually moving.

And what happened to the new consulting job at another company he was supposed to be working on? (June 1 posts, I believe).  Or the initial posts you made that he was well off and could support 2 households.  The narrative changes, just like the goal posts ...

Lots of holes in this cheese.

Edited June 9, 2020 by LilKatKat

[RebeccaR]

I remember that too: “Financial concerns are not an issue, he is very stable in this field and able to support 2 homes”

Either he was being very unrealistic about the costs of supporting 2 families or never intended to, or both.

Kiki, this is tangential but do you plan to have additional children with this guy? If you each had your first kids at age 18, I assume you’re both young enough.

[DKT3]

No way this ends well for OP. First off, she has to push and manipulate to get anything from this guy beyond words. Secondly,  if by some miracle he actually leaves his family she will soon be his target of resentment anger and most likely betrayal.  

This ends bad for everyone 

[RebeccaR]

This is from her first post: “I can't bear life without him“

1. Desperation is never good

2. Three months of cuddling and playing house and skipping out on work indicate that this is an infatuation/escape/fantasy relationship, not a committed supportive partnership. Could it turn into one? Just based on his reluctance to make any concrete steps above the bare minimum, it’s not likely.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I would just like to add that, we have both been quite lazy this lockdown, we have done bear minimal work, just urgent stuff (and moaned about it) eaten and drank lots of rubbish,  watched a lot of TV. I guess we became quite lethargic and just wanted to be together. It's like we have been in a bubble for 12 weeks during lockdown.

This is going to sound judgy, but it comes from a place of concern. 

You must be living in a bubble if you think that you can carry on a workplace affair in the open and not suffer any consequences. I seriously have to wonder about this workplace where your boss is your friend and you have no hesitation behaving in very inappropriate ways in front of coworkers (presenting as a couple when you are both very much married). You have been carrying on like teenagers - doing the bare minimum work, watching tv, having sex... Reality is going to hit you hard when you find yourself unemployed. Because, in most workplaces that would be the consequence for this kind of behavior. I wouldn’t even hesitate to end your employment, if you were my employee. My brother works in management and he monitors the number of emails his employees send... he knows who is working from home and who is not. It would be one thing if it was just you, but you are a grown woman and you have two children who rely on you for important things like food, and shelter... Reality is going to hit you pretty hard if your employer decides to end your employment - and he should! You think you are safe because you are “friends,” think again...

As for his brother’s wife being friends with his wife... well, that is exactly how you are going to be discovered. So much for the plan to keep this affair secret from his wife... good luck with that! 

You had best get your head out of the clouds soon because the landing is going to be REALLY hard. 

Edited June 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

Not to challenge your statements, but this is a long thread: earlier you said the job was very stressful and you were both working 10 hour days; so much so that obviously there was no time to apartment hunt or prep for his interview. Today you speak of a lazy vacation-like period. It’s unclear which statement is true because these are diametric opposites.

[justwhoiam]

11 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

I think the lockdown has got to alot of us.

It sounds like it. Hi, Kiki. I haven't read 23 pages of this long thread........ but read a lot of your posts (though not from the last 7 pages).

You let this uncertain situation enter your home, where you have children. That was not good. As a mother, my main concern is children, not the hurt spouse.

I did wonder how he could come to you every day if there was a lockdown in place. How was he justifying going out every day? Is his job one of those deemed as essential for the community? It doesn't sound like it, if he worked from home every day (just not his home).

Plus, I have to assume you were having sex with this man in your home, while your kids were there. I can't see any different scenario here. And this went on for months. I'm questioning you as a mother, not as an ex wife. It looks like you're being oblivious about the consequences on your children. I'm not sure how old they are, but I would at least consider all this will have an impact on them and how they see their mom.

That said, I could tell early on, that he made up excuses that you were unable to read, as you were busy trusting him and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

You should have used the lockdown as a time for him to clear his head and make steps to get out, if he thought that was what he wanted. Instead, you wrongly used it as your odd honeymoon.

You said finances were not a problem. That's BS. But I guess you know that pretty well now. They are a problem even for those who make big millions or even billions. The more is at stake, the more he might lose.

Regarding his Asperger's syndrome, have you read his medical reports? Because that's one of the first things I would have asked... To see and read all his medical reports, to understand what his problems are, what symptoms he got, his challenges, etc.

You're still on time to cut things off and send him back to his own home. But I guess you're now concerned about his possible reactions. Moreover, you are colleagues, which is bad.

Edited June 10, 2020 by justwhoiam

[justwhoiam]

11 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

We're all coming out of this differently.

One thing more. After spending all day at your place, he goes home and chats with you till the wee hours. Now, you both let this get out of hand... He might be justified with his obsession, as he's apparently been diagnosed with a disorder, but you?

Although that was supposed to be temporary, one strong element of Asperger is routine.

[justwhoiam]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:09 PM, Starswillshine said:

Had either of us crossed a line, that would leave lots of questions on whether that person was trust worthy.

You can only know the dynamics of your own relationship with him, not his relationships with anyone else. Lots of integrity from you, but avoid sticking your neck out. You're not omniscent. Maybe he did cross a line in his recent past or in his remote past, and you can't take your certainty to the bank.