Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Kiki55]

Hello all, I wanted to check in with you all again. Everything is going so well. Our relationship is better than ever and we are now communicating emotionally quote well (something followers will know he struggled with) we are still totally obsessed with eachother. We are back in the office. Open and free. He has mentioned to his estranged wife that he has met somebody... she has not really passed much comment on this. Again, it is early days but we are very happy and believe we have made the right decision. 

Will check in again in a  few weeks 

 

😊😊😊

 

[Allupinnit]

Thanks for keeping us posted, @Kiki55 - I hope you're both able to move forward in an authentic way that is best for everyone involved.

[Amethyst68]

How can it be authentic when almost everyone (even the work colleagues) know the truth except the BW?

[Allupinnit]

34 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

How can it be authentic when almost everyone (even the work colleagues) know the truth except the BW?

Well, they apparently don't plan on the BW finding out. *shrug*  

[Kiki55]

54 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

How can it be authentic when almost everyone (even the work colleagues) know the truth except the BW?

It doesn't mean it's not authentic just because of how we started. Our colleagues are acting as they always have and state clearly it's none of their business and as long as we are happy, which we are. 

People will continue to judge on here ironically, a page to support people going through such events however it is the real world that counts. 

Things aren't always black and white, people make mistakes but what truly matters is that, you, yourself is happy. And that we are. He is now planning to move to my town with a new lease just signed. In this property he is buying all his own furniture as oppose to the furnished property he currently resides. 

All I can say is that, so far, we are a success story. I've never been happier. 

[Hedgehog73]

I am happy he is moving into his own place, I think that will be good for both of you. Take it slow and enjoy the process of being in an open relationship. Don’t feel like you have to rush to the alter just because of how things started. I am sure the transition will have its ups and downs but it sounds like this is what you both want , so kudos to you! 

[S2B]

Has he filed for divorce yet?

[Amethyst68]

So he's moving away from his children? They should be his priority this soon after the split? 

What about custody? This essentially means no overnights through the week, probably no involvement during the week with his children while he becomes part of your family.

 

[Allupinnit]

@Amethyst68 - I think a lot of times when people prioritize their own happiness above that of those around them, as @Kiki55 mentioned, this is what likely happens.  Hopefully they can work out a weekend arrangement or EOWE arrangement so that he can stay a part of his children's lives.

Their story reminds me of my H's ex W.  She cheated on my H with a man at work, asked for a divorce, and now they're married.  His wife was devastated, and now his kids spend EOWE with him and new wife (my H's ex).  It was sad for everyone else around them, but at least they're happy together.

[Kiki55]

@S2B No, but neither have I. One step at a time. @Allupinnit I agree that this is how it goes, it's sad but it can't be helped - do we stay together, in unhappy marriages for the sake of children? I think not, what is that teaching children in life... i certainly wouldn't want my children to stay in unhappy relationships. My ex has found a new partner and she has children, he spends more time there than with his children (EOWE and rarely through the week) I'm sure that when my new partners ex finds a new partner he will most likely spend more time with my partners kids than my partner. Blended families can be wonderful things. We don't write the rules and we certainly don't know whether we are always making the right decisions, but we try our best. This relationship of mine wasn't a flash in the pan, this is real feelings with real decisions being made. We have discussed plans in great detail. This relationship is heading for 6 months but we have been friends for a year or so prior. 

When you are in a marriage from an early age (both were 17/18 when we entered our relationships) you don't really know what you want, who you are or who the person is you are entering it into with, or what type of person they will become. My new partner and I have discussed this in great detail - when you can't be your true self with that person, when you can't be intimate with that person in ways you want to be, when you don't want to spend some time with them anymore, when you picture them with somebody else and it doesn't crush you...when you have conflicting views and don't share the same hopes and dreams.... you are not with the right person. Nobody on this planet has got a right to tell you to stay with them for the sake of children. Especially children who are of an age to understand many of these aspects.  

Edited August 3, 2020 by Kiki55

[Allupinnit]

@Kiki55 - for me personally, my marriage isn't about feeling "happy" all of the time.  I take my vows seriously.  What has made my marriage successful up til now is self-sacrifice, commitment, and at times brutal honesty with each other.  Of course I have romantic feelings towards my H, but those ebb and flow as we all know, as does our sex life.  Every day for me is making a choice to honor that commitment and sometimes that means rushing to the back of the line for my H.  And from doing that I have a profound sense of joy and contentment that lasts beyond the chemistry we chased after in the beginning.  I find other men attractive, funny and engaging all the time!  But I respect the boundaries I've put up around my life.  "Happy" takes work, limerence fades.  

If I followed every single "feeling" I had, my life would be in utter chaos.   

All that being said, I am not you and have no idea what went on in your marriages, so I hope that you find what you seek.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

It’s sad but it can't be helped - do we stay together, in unhappy marriages for the sake of children? I think not, what is that teaching children in life...

Kiki, we’ve long discussed this - there was another option. 
Nobody is saying that you should stay in unhealthy relationships, but what exactly is it teaching your children - they way you have done this...
The justifications have to stop sometime, or maybe not... perhaps, you will live your whole life believing that the end justified the means...

I wish you well, I really do. As I had previously told you, I have a friend who did pretty much the same thing... except, she cooled the affair during the time that she divorced her husband but they “came out” a few months after the papers were signed. It’s now several years past. All are happy, I heard her teenage daughter tell me what a great guy her affair partner is this week. But, those years around the divorce were PAINFUL for everyone. And I will say, as glad I am to see her happy and as much as I like her affair partner... I will always remember how this relationship started as it has forever changed what I know of my friend and this relationship...

[S2B]

It teaches them to do things out of order.

normally people file for divorce - or get one relationship finalized and then start a new one.

[Allupinnit]

@BaileyB - that's exactly right.  It becomes a part of your story and makes you a liar for life.

[Amethyst68]

I never said to stay in the marriage. What I said is at that this painful time for his children they should be his priority. This man couldn't even stay in the same town for a couple of months. I wonder how much time and effort he has put into them?

Who says custody has to be EOWE? Even in the UK custody is evolving past that.

[Allupinnit]

@Amethyst68 - perhaps try reading between the lines.  I don't think this MM is doing anything that doesn't serve himself first and foremost.  He's been lying to his kids for the better part of a year about where he goes during the day, so I don't think their wants/needs/feelings are factoring much into his decision-making.  He can't exactly take them to school every morning if he's living far away, which is why I said I hoped they could come to at LEAST weekends/EOWE.  All signs are pointing to this guy being more of a stepfather to OP's kids than a father to his own.  OP has also mentioned this is the case with her own H, and she seems fine with it.

Unfortunately this is what happens when families are broken up.  People heal and eventually move on, but as a kid who had stepparents myself, I can tell you it's a far cry from happily ever after for everyone else.

[Amethyst68]

Oh agreeI , except I think MM is being led rather than leading and I think the OP is definitely the driving force here, she's happy because her children are going to have a new full time father figure, probably in less than a year.

I remember she was trying to sell us in the fact that MM was a really involved dad during all the time he spent with her and her kids. Didn't take that for that to fall by the wayside.

BTW that's the advice I give anyone who divorces for any reason. People think children just bounce back, that's not the case. MM's children are going to realise he's had another family in secret. Things are going to blow up for them but hey MM will see them 4 days a month. Hopefully their mother will be a stable influence.

 

[Allupinnit]

I'm 41 and to this day having to go back and forth between homes where only one parent really cared about me as a child affects me.  You don't really feel like you "belong" anywhere.  You're not even asked how you feel about your parents splitting up, you're just expected to go with it.  It doesn't even matter if you like the new stepparent.

My SD's teacher called my H one Monday after he dropped her off at school.  Apparently she sat in the back of the classroom and cried about missing her daddy for about an hour after he pulled away.  I remember being that kid.  

OP thinks it's the honorable thing to teach your kids to simply exit an unhappy marriage.  It taught me that love ends.

[Amethyst68]

I think it's how you handle it. Ending your marriage and running away to another city in a matter of weeks can only send one message to your children - and it's not one where they matter. 

Oh I've no doubt the OP will come back and say his children will have told him they're fine with it.Of course they will have, the won't want to risk alienating him in case he distances himself even further.

Remember he's been separated for months in his mind, but to his family he's been going to the office as normal so they're trying to get used to the new dynamic. Him, not so much.

[Kiki55]

Hello, I wanted to come back and give you an update. Please remember that whilst you discuss the ins and outs of how the children feel and what is right or wrong in a marriage and what we should stick around for.... this is a page where other men and women can come and seek advice. The reason I continue to return is to give you an experience I've had, not to be continuously judged for my actions. 

Our relationship is going well. We are still very much in love and happy and we know we have done the right thing. I'm not going to give further details die to the judgement in some of the posts I've flicked through since my last visit. This may also be my last visit here too. I wish you all well. 

[basil67]

I'm glad you've found happiness.   Take care Kiki55

[BurnedAndLost]

On 9/20/2020 at 5:15 PM, Kiki55 said:

Hello, I wanted to come back and give you an update. Please remember that whilst you discuss the ins and outs of how the children feel and what is right or wrong in a marriage and what we should stick around for.... this is a page where other men and women can come and seek advice. The reason I continue to return is to give you an experience I've had, not to be continuously judged for my actions. 

Our relationship is going well. We are still very much in love and happy and we know we have done the right thing. I'm not going to give further details die to the judgement in some of the posts I've flicked through since my last visit. This may also be my last visit here too. I wish you all well. 

It isn't anyone's job to coddle your selfishness. I hope his children are able to heal from losing their dad to another family.  The dry ''oh well'' attitude you have about this is alarming. I guess all is well as as long as you get what you want. Farewell.

[Prudence V]

On 9/20/2020 at 11:15 PM, Kiki55 said:

We are still very much in love and happy and we know we have done the right thing.

That matters more than the opinions of people who don’t know you, or your context. I’m happy that you’ve got the outcome you feel is best. 

[Birdies]

On 9/20/2020 at 4:15 PM, Kiki55 said:

Hello, I wanted to come back and give you an update. Please remember that whilst you discuss the ins and outs of how the children feel and what is right or wrong in a marriage and what we should stick around for.... this is a page where other men and women can come and seek advice. The reason I continue to return is to give you an experience I've had, not to be continuously judged for my actions. 

Our relationship is going well. We are still very much in love and happy and we know we have done the right thing. I'm not going to give further details die to the judgement in some of the posts I've flicked through since my last visit. This may also be my last visit here too. I wish you all well. 

Hi Kiki, I was a member here several years ago and just signed back in for the first time.  I read through your whole thread, what a story! I'm glad things worked out well for you, even though (as you say yourself many times) infidelity is a terrible thing.  I was in a somewhat similar boat several years ago, a married OW in an affair with a MM.  Ours blew up with a surprise D-Day rather spectacularly, and it was a long traumatic experience for everyone involved.  That said, we have been married for several years and have a child together and are very, very happy.  Sometimes, you are the rare exception to the rule.  I hope that you two have a happy future, and also that your BH and BW find some peace and happiness in their lives.  Making a happy life on the ruins of someone else's life will always be something that my husband and I hold a lot of guilt and sorrow over.... there's never a truly "happy" ending for everyone.  Take care, and feel free to ask me any questions if you have any for someone a few years ahead of you in the process.

[lifeoflies]

I’m going to respond to the title of this post. 
 

the “lockdown” excuse is nonsense. I left my wife of 32 years, filed for a divorce and moved in to an AirBnb. What does the virus have to do with it?  I personally think women believe what they want to believe. Even a lame excuse from a man is enough for self delusion.