Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Even if he does conjure up some proof that he did "something," you will always know in your heart that he only did it because you pressured him and gave him an ultimatum. He didn't do any of this of his own volition. 

So true! Because, if it was by his own volition, there wouldn’t be this secrecy...

You are trying so hard to be a good person, a good “girlfriend.” You are trying not to pressure him, you are giving him space, you are trying to encourage him to do what he needs to do and make his own decision... and he is not reciprocating in kind. Why the secrecy? Why is he not talking to you? Why the need to wait until June 5th? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... I can’t help but think that if he had something to show you, he wouldn’t leave you hanging like this. 

Sure, he is doing what you told him he could do - talking the time he needs without having to communicate with you. But, he should want to communicate with you - to ease your doubts, calm your fears, reassure you that all will be well...

But then of course, when he texts you again... he could say all the right things, but can you actually believe him? It’s a hard place to be. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Kiki55]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So true! Because, if it was by his own volition, there wouldn’t be this secrecy...

You are trying so hard to be a good person, a good “girlfriend.” You are trying not to pressure him, you are giving him space, you are trying to encourage him to do what he needs to do and make his own decision... and he is not reciprocating in kind. Why the secrecy? Why is he not talking to you? Why the need to wait until June 5th? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... I can’t help but think that if he had something to show you, he wouldn’t leave you hanging like this. 

Sure, he is doing what you told him he could do - talking the time he needs without having to communicate with you. But, he should want to communicate with you - to ease your doubts, calm your fears, reassure you that all will be well...

But then of course, when he texts you again... he could say all the right things, but can you actually believe him? It’s a hard place to be. 

He is a man's man. Rarely shows feelings, tells me he's never felt jealousy in his life until me, never enjoyed a woman's company for more than sexual things really until me, never sent more than a couple of texts a day to a woman until... you guessed it..... me. 🙄

He has messaged an hour age and said his brother is round and didn't wanna send a half arsed reply... Will message when he's gone. So I guess I will wait and see what he has to say. I don't want to fall out with him so close to June 5th. I want to keep things good until then, then I know I kept my end of the bargain here and he won't be able to use anything I have said or done as a reason to split (if this is his intention) he will have to come clean and admit what a cowardly, manipulative cheating a**h*** he really is... (again if this is his intention) then I know I can walk away with my head held (relatively) high knowing I have had a lucky escape. 

[Allupinnit]

He may feel all of those things in the moment but when he gets home he's back to being a husband and dad.  I hate that you don't feel you can rock the boat.  The power imbalance in an affair is greatly skewed.  This is your life, Kiki.  You can take it back at ANY moment.  He already has a life I don't think he's ready to walk away from.  I'm sorry!

 

[Lurker123]

Hey Kiki. Hope you’re ok. Sorry to hear what you’re going through today, the emotional rollercoaster is the worst part. The fact that one person can affect and dictate your mood - and how you can go from feeling your life is literally over when they don’t reply to a text, to feeling complete and utter relief/happiness when they finally do, is a feeling I remember well. I also remember going to my bedroom or the shower to cry so my children wouldn’t see mum upset. The fact I took away from them so much during my A still haunts me now. 
 

I understand your point about waiting until June 5th. I honestly can. But at the same time I can see how much power this guy holds over you. This is a man you want to get into a long term relationship with, share your life with, perhaps a home and finances in the future. Let your children interact with and also interact with his children. Why then is he being so secretive? Surely if this was happening and he had ended his relationship with BS, he should be able to talk open and honestly with you, not just asking you to not bring it up until June 5th. Why that date exactly? He that the day that his BS signs the separation agreement, is that the day he signs a new tenancy? Or is this just the day that he ‘potentially’ might start making a few changes? Leaving your wife, family home, finances, finding a new place doesn’t happen overnight- it’s a long process and if he was genuinely doing it and going through it, it wouldn’t be black and white. Surely he should be discussing this with you? Why is he not saying ‘what do you think of this apartment?’ Why is he not giving you the facts of where his relationship is at with BS? Is he planning to move out, gradually start things with you and hope she never finds out? I’m not asking these questions to be unkind, I just genuinely don’t understand. 
 

my worry for you is that June 5th will come round, the date that YOU see as the date you can finally have him, the date he will be free. I really do think that when this date comes round there is going to be another line of excuses. I hope for your sake there’s not, but I’ve been there and done that, so I’m sorry if I’m being cynical 😕 My MM very much used to ‘pacify’ me. He would give me a story about how bad things were at home, then continue to go back there every night. He would then say he wanted to be with me ‘but now was a bad time’ he effectively drip fed me hope over a period of about a year- and because I was desperate to be with him- I took it- and at the same time unknowingly lowered my expectations until the end, when he pretty much had me eating out of his hand and never asking questions for fear of driving him away. He also loved the fun times, the banter, the sex, the jokes, the laughter, but as soon as I sent a lengthy emotional message he would either ignore it or not reply for hours. It was like as soon as I brought up anything serious he would pull away. Subconsciously I noticed this and of course did it less- meaning again my expectations were lowered without me even realising. I became a shell of myself- living for this guys attention- he knew I could meet someone else- he just never let me go enough so that I could. 
 

i would just advise you to be wary. The advice on here is spot on- although I understand a lot of it hard to read. I too would try and look past the negative comments- thinking ‘but we’re different! He loves me! We’re soulmates!’ But actually every post on here you read is the same and the posters have a lot of experience over the years of seeing this and seeing the red flags. 
 

I think for me a ‘lightbulb’ moment was a friend of mine started seeing a guy who was married with 2 kids (his relationship was over, sleeping on sofa etc- I rolled my eyes when she told me). She said the same things.. soulmate, life partner, connection etc. The difference was, within two weeks of them meeting and realising they had something special- this guy had left the family home, started to sort his finances with his wife, moved to his mums and sorted a schedule for when he was seeing his kids. This proved to me that if the guy is genuinely unhappy and wants to be with you- HE WILL. All those excuses and reasons and delaying are actually just that- if he wants you in his life-  you would be there. 

[S2B]

So he’s shutting you down and seems to be punishing you when you suddenly demand some respect and action from him to change things... 

it’s not the greatest sign - but why wouldn’t he be attempting to consider how you must be feeling now? He COULD BE giving you evidence of change and handing you peace of mind - but he simply isn’t.

i am hoping you’re working with a therapist  now to try and understand how to change your perspective... because you hand him all YOUR power. That’s super risky and you need to change that balance of power!

you started asking for what you deserve and he should be making sure you know he’s doing ALL of what you request.

 

be careful.

[Kiki55]

13 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hey Kiki. Hope you’re ok. Sorry to hear what you’re going through today, the emotional rollercoaster is the worst part. The fact that one person can affect and dictate your mood - and how you can go from feeling your life is literally over when they don’t reply to a text, to feeling complete and utter relief/happiness when they finally do, is a feeling I remember well. I also remember going to my bedroom or the shower to cry so my children wouldn’t see mum upset. The fact I took away from them so much during my A still haunts me now. 
 

I understand your point about waiting until June 5th. I honestly can. But at the same time I can see how much power this guy holds over you. This is a man you want to get into a long term relationship with, share your life with, perhaps a home and finances in the future. Let your children interact with and also interact with his children. Why then is he being so secretive? Surely if this was happening and he had ended his relationship with BS, he should be able to talk open and honestly with you, not just asking you to not bring it up until June 5th. Why that date exactly? He that the day that his BS signs the separation agreement, is that the day he signs a new tenancy? Or is this just the day that he ‘potentially’ might start making a few changes? Leaving your wife, family home, finances, finding a new place doesn’t happen overnight- it’s a long process and if he was genuinely doing it and going through it, it wouldn’t be black and white. Surely he should be discussing this with you? Why is he not saying ‘what do you think of this apartment?’ Why is he not giving you the facts of where his relationship is at with BS? Is he planning to move out, gradually start things with you and hope she never finds out? I’m not asking these questions to be unkind, I just genuinely don’t understand. 
 

my worry for you is that June 5th will come round, the date that YOU see as the date you can finally have him, the date he will be free. I really do think that when this date comes round there is going to be another line of excuses. I hope for your sake there’s not, but I’ve been there and done that, so I’m sorry if I’m being cynical 😕 My MM very much used to ‘pacify’ me. He would give me a story about how bad things were at home, then continue to go back there every night. He would then say he wanted to be with me ‘but now was a bad time’ he effectively drip fed me hope over a period of about a year- and because I was desperate to be with him- I took it- and at the same time unknowingly lowered my expectations until the end, when he pretty much had me eating out of his hand and never asking questions for fear of driving him away. He also loved the fun times, the banter, the sex, the jokes, the laughter, but as soon as I sent a lengthy emotional message he would either ignore it or not reply for hours. It was like as soon as I brought up anything serious he would pull away. Subconsciously I noticed this and of course did it less- meaning again my expectations were lowered without me even realising. I became a shell of myself- living for this guys attention- he knew I could meet someone else- he just never let me go enough so that I could. 
 

i would just advise you to be wary. The advice on here is spot on- although I understand a lot of it hard to read. I too would try and look past the negative comments- thinking ‘but we’re different! He loves me! We’re soulmates!’ But actually every post on here you read is the same and the posters have a lot of experience over the years of seeing this and seeing the red flags. 
 

I think for me a ‘lightbulb’ moment was a friend of mine started seeing a guy who was married with 2 kids (his relationship was over, sleeping on sofa etc- I rolled my eyes when she told me). She said the same things.. soulmate, life partner, connection etc. The difference was, within two weeks of them meeting and realising they had something special- this guy had left the family home, started to sort his finances with his wife, moved to his mums and sorted a schedule for when he was seeing his kids. This proved to me that if the guy is genuinely unhappy and wants to be with you- HE WILL. All those excuses and reasons and delaying are actually just that- if he wants you in his life-  you would be there. 

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am definetly on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So his response yesterday after his brother had gone said that, he reacts the way he does for 2 reasons 1) because he isn't one for talking about emotions and feelings. 2) he feels any reassurance he gives me at this moment I will not be satisfied with as I will reply "It's just words" he then added that he is concerned about how I will react when he has to remain 'single' for sometime and I won't be able to be in his life I.e. meet his family etc. 

I have stressed to him a few times how I hate that none of them know about me, I guess it's understandable. For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? And to add insult to that, I am his age. So if she found out that he had left her and now with somebody his age it would hurt that little bit deeper. 

The conversation continued a little bit and he said he knows words don't cut it anymore.. He said the connection/chemistry/love is mutual between us and I said that even with that, that doesn't mean that he will do what it takes to be with me. He asked me to give him time to prove it, I told him he's got 7 days. I kept it short after that, told him I was going bed (at 9pm) to end the conversation. He sent me a message when he went to bed saying "Goodnight my Love" I didn't respond, he then sent me a good morning text at 6am, I didn't respond until 8am and just said good morning, he is now asking my plans for the day... I'm not responding yet - usually I'm dropping everything but not anymore....

He's not going to get the best out of me these next 6 days, he has had the best, he knows what our relationship is usually like, if he wants it back to how it was then he needs to step up with something credible on 5th June. 

[Kiki55]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

So he’s shutting you down and seems to be punishing you when you suddenly demand some respect and action from him to change things... 

it’s not the greatest sign - but why wouldn’t he be attempting to consider how you must be feeling now? He COULD BE giving you evidence of change and handing you peace of mind - but he simply isn’t.

i am hoping you’re working with a therapist  now to try and understand how to change your perspective... because you hand him all YOUR power. That’s super risky and you need to change that balance of power!

you started asking for what you deserve and he should be making sure you know he’s doing ALL of what you request.

 

be careful.

Hi S2B - please see my quote below.

I don't have a therapist, I don't think I need one. If this ends badly (very likely) I will get over it, I know I will. I won't ever let myself get in this situation again, I plan to concentrate on myself and leave relationships until I have had some time to find me. I know for certain that when/if this doesn't work out, after the way he has been with me, I will of had a very lucky escape...  

Just now, Kiki55 said:

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am definetly on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So his response yesterday after his brother had gone said that, he reacts the way he does for 2 reasons 1) because he isn't one for talking about emotions and feelings. 2) he feels any reassurance he gives me at this moment I will not be satisfied with as I will reply "It's just words" he then added that he is concerned about how I will react when he has to remain 'single' for sometime and I won't be able to be in his life I.e. meet his family etc. 

I have stressed to him a few times how I hate that none of them know about me, I guess it's understandable. For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? And to add insult to that, I am his age. So if she found out that he had left her and now with somebody his age it would hurt that little bit deeper. 

The conversation continued a little bit and he said he knows words don't cut it anymore.. He said the connection/chemistry/love is mutual between us and I said that even with that, that doesn't mean that he will do what it takes to be with me. He asked me to give him time to prove it, I told him he's got 7 days. I kept it short after that, told him I was going bed (at 9pm) to end the conversation. He sent me a message when he went to bed saying "Goodnight my Love" I didn't respond, he then sent me a good morning text at 6am, I didn't respond until 8am and just said good morning, he is now asking my plans for the day... I'm not responding yet - usually I'm dropping everything but not anymore....

He's not going to get the best out of me these next 6 days, he has had the best, he knows what our relationship is usually like, if he wants it back to how it was then he needs to step up with something credible on 5th June. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Just because she is 10 years older than him doesn't mean she can't do any better than a man who cheats on her.  I think you should do her both a favor and tell her the truth about her life, you both need to stop pretending you give a rip about her feelings..  What's going to hurt the most is the lies and deceit - that's ALWAYS the case.  

 

 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

For him, I feel that because she is 10 years older than him and the fact she keeps telling him he has ruined her life, he feels that burden of, will she be able to meet somebody else? Have I taken her best years? 

Telling him that he has ruined her life has everything to do with the fact that she is in pain because her marriage is ending. And, if she knew the truth of the situation she would be saying that he ruined her life because she trusted a man and had children with a man who was not faithful to her in return. That hurts. 

Have you considered that she may not want to find someone else? Perhaps, she will be thrilled to be single again, free from the weight of an unhappy marriage and an unfaithful husband? Free to enjoy her children and her own life?

Personally, I wouldn’t care what age you are... With age, comes wisdom and life experience... If you want him, you would be welcome to have him. The last thing I would do would be to fight for my unfaithful husband. I would go straight to my lawyer... Now, this woman is obviously her own person and will have her own response... but be careful when you project how she may feel - because you could be way wrong...

Edited May 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Just because she is 10 years older than him doesn't mean she can't do any better than a man who cheats on her.  I think you should do her both a favor and tell her the truth about her life, you both need to stop pretending you give a rip about her feelings..  What's going to hurt the most is the lies and deceit - that's ALWAYS the case.  

 

 

yeah, that's "concern" really does fall flat. It's sort of like trying to put a band aid on a wound that she helped to cause.
 

[elaine567]

On 5/19/2020 at 10:37 PM, Kiki55 said:

He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset.

I don't really think that not telling the wife is Kiki's decision.
I guess if t was up to her she would rather she knew as that at least would be a sign there was something real here.
This "My wife can't ever find out" is madness as both have teenage kids and he spends every day with Kiki...
Two and two together make four...

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I don't really think that not telling the wife is Kiki's decision.
I guess if t was up to her she would rather she knew as that at least would be a sign there was something real here.
This "My wife can't ever find out" is madness as both have teenage kids and he spends every day with Kiki...
Two and two together make four...

I totally agree. Keeping this information secret because it would cause his wife pain shows where his concern is... but personally, he doesn’t like the fact that she’s told him that he has ruined her life. That’s harsh. He wants to smooth the waters, calm her anger, ease his guilt...
He probably doesn’t want to be known as the man who left his wife and children for his affair partner... 
Either way, the person who continues to compromise herself is Kiki, she may have won her man but she is still kept in the shadows...
Telling the world does “legitimize” the relationship to some extent. It shows that he is willing to at least take some responsibility, that there is some commitment to the new relationship. 
I think it’s really naive to think that it’s not going to come out, that she won’t figure it out. I don’t know the woman, but the thought that keeps coming to mind is that the two of you need to give the woman a little more credit... 

Edited May 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

I think I mentioned this before but what happens when the children start spending time together and your kids start mentioning all the time he's spent having fun with them when he could (and should) have been spending it with his own.

You and he seem dismissive of this, to brush it off but I would be pretty sure his kids would be hurt even if they don't show it. 

Have you even discussed this possibility or is it just put off in a hazy everything will be fine when the children see him happy?

Edited May 30, 2020 by Amethyst68

[Mascara]

Sounds like he’s lining up a whole lot of reasons for why he can’t leave. None of which are your concern. Don't be fooled into thinking you need to show him how much “better” you are with the whole being supportive and understanding thing - he needs to see what life is like without you, so keep your distance - this also has the advantage of you being able to start on with moving on from him. 
 

But honestly, any man who dithers about leaving and comes up with a whole host of excuses why he can’t just yet is going to be a man who changes his mind once the s*** hits the fan.  

[heartwhole2]

12 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

Hi S2B - please see my quote below.

I don't have a therapist, I don't think I need one. If this ends badly (very likely) I will get over it, I know I will. I won't ever let myself get in this situation again, I plan to concentrate on myself and leave relationships until I have had some time to find me. I know for certain that when/if this doesn't work out, after the way he has been with me, I will of had a very lucky escape...  

I'd like to challenge your perspective on this. I'm a generally healthy person with no FOO issues and a lot of good coping skills, but I have found therapy useful when I've done it. We can all use extra perspective and support . . . that's why you're here, isn't it? A professional therapist who knows you intimately will likely be able to give you even more direction and insight than you find here. 

I'd also point out that you've just ended a marriage and you and your kids are going through a big transition due to that, not to mention a major disruption in daily life due to COVID 19. And lastly, you've been taking risks that many here are telling you are unwise and will likely end up hurt by the end result. None of us are perfect, and the best way to grow is to recognize that we can always learn better and do better. 

My advice regarding next week is to do your best to step outside of the situation. My concern is that whatever progress he will report will be vague and non-committal. Try to stop yourself if you start justifying it as "good enough" or "at least it's something" or "he can't be expected to do more because of X, Y, or Z." Know what concrete action you will take and stick to if he does not follow through. Don't engage in a never ending cycle of getting pissy and backing off only to melt when he panics and woos you back. That will be a never ending pattern if you let it be.

[Kiki55]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Telling him that he has ruined her life has everything to do with the fact that she is in pain because her marriage is ending. And, if she knew the truth of the situation she would be saying that he ruined her life because she trusted a man and had children with a man who was not faithful to her in return. That hurts. 

Have you considered that she may not want to find someone else? Perhaps, she will be thrilled to be single again, free from the weight of an unhappy marriage and an unfaithful husband? Free to enjoy her children and her own life?

Personally, I wouldn’t care what age you are... With age, comes wisdom and life experience... If you want him, you would be welcome to have him. The last thing I would do would be to fight for my unfaithful husband. I would go straight to my lawyer... Now, this woman is obviously her own person and will have her own response... but be careful when you project how she may feel - because you could be way wrong...

I do agree with you. I am only speculating and guessing really on how he may interpret her feelings. She has said to him (according to him) that he has ruined her life, she has also said to him how she will now have to get a job. He has told her she will keep the house  her car and a large sum for the children every month - again, I will stress that this is all he has told me, I don't know if this is true. 

[Kiki55]

13 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't really think that not telling the wife is Kiki's decision.
I guess if t was up to her she would rather she knew as that at least would be a sign there was something real here.
This "My wife can't ever find out" is madness as both have teenage kids and he spends every day with Kiki...
Two and two together make four...

I have told him that I would gladly come into his life and accept the consequences, if she wants to scream and hit me I would let her! Because I know I would feel the same. I just know that the truth always comes out. He said that she has been talking to some of her exes and stuff, he is under some illusion that when she does find out several months from now, she will not care so much... I don't know their relationship, I know that they do not nor did not spend much time in eachothers company. I know this from before the affair even started between us as we were friends for some 18 months within a group of colleagues and we all regularly chatted about this stuff, he didn't have any motive then to lie to me so I do believe that. 

[Kiki55]

15 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Just because she is 10 years older than him doesn't mean she can't do any better than a man who cheats on her.  I think you should do her both a favor and tell her the truth about her life, you both need to stop pretending you give a rip about her feelings..  What's going to hurt the most is the lies and deceit - that's ALWAYS the case.  

 

 

I would tell her, but it's not my place. And yes, of course she can do better than him, I know if I was her I'd want the cold hard truth. 

[Kiki55]

10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I'd like to challenge your perspective on this. I'm a generally healthy person with no FOO issues and a lot of good coping skills, but I have found therapy useful when I've done it. We can all use extra perspective and support . . . that's why you're here, isn't it? A professional therapist who knows you intimately will likely be able to give you even more direction and insight than you find here. 

I'd also point out that you've just ended a marriage and you and your kids are going through a big transition due to that, not to mention a major disruption in daily life due to COVID 19. And lastly, you've been taking risks that many here are telling you are unwise and will likely end up hurt by the end result. None of us are perfect, and the best way to grow is to recognize that we can always learn better and do better. 

My advice regarding next week is to do your best to step outside of the situation. My concern is that whatever progress he will report will be vague and non-committal. Try to stop yourself if you start justifying it as "good enough" or "at least it's something" or "he can't be expected to do more because of X, Y, or Z." Know what concrete action you will take and stick to if he does not follow through. Don't engage in a never ending cycle of getting pissy and backing off only to melt when he panics and woos you back. That will be a never ending pattern if you let it be.

I am extremely nervous, my mum came to socially distance in my back garden yesterday. We spent a good few hours together and she said to me "where has K***** gone? 

This is tearing me up inside and I can't think about anything except this A right now. My mum told me a story of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 17... he was 24, usual story, we don't get on, I will leave her soon, kids are too young. He wooed her for 8 months and when she wanted more he kept telling her to wait... she had enough one day and said "I'm dating somebody else" this was a lie but she wanted to see his reaction, he said to her "why have you done that? I was just about to leave her" He walked away from her and she said that she hated herself for saying the lie to him, regretted it and was distraught, blaming herself. She said she doesn't think she ever really got over it, even to this day, and she knows he probably would not of left but she blamed herself for how it ended. I guess the point of this is that

1) I want to make sure I give him the opportunity I have offered and not move the goal posts myself i.e. wait until Friday even though it's so hard.

2) I need to understand the hold he has over me

3) When he hasn't done the steps we've discussed, understand that he does not love me enough to go through with it, or it has all been a big lie. 

4) Note that I have had a lucky escape from a absolute low life scumbag. Who cares about nobody but himself.

[Kiki55]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I totally agree. Keeping this information secret because it would cause his wife pain shows where his concern is... but personally, he doesn’t like the fact that she’s told him that he has ruined her life. That’s harsh. He wants to smooth the waters, calm her anger, ease his guilt...
He probably doesn’t want to be known as the man who left his wife and children for his affair partner... 
Either way, the person who continues to compromise herself is Kiki, she may have won her man but she is still kept in the shadows...
Telling the world does “legitimize” the relationship to some extent. It shows that he is willing to at least take some responsibility, that there is some commitment to the new relationship. 
I think it’s really naive to think that it’s not going to come out, that she won’t figure it out. I don’t know the woman, but the thought that keeps coming to mind is that the two of you need to give the woman a little more credit... 

Hi BaileyB,

I believe she should know the truth and if it was up to me I'd do it with him today. The only thing concerning me is his kids hating me. Should things work out the way he wants it to, I don't believe that my kids and his kids will spend that much time together anyway and all I can do is hope that it doesn't come up in conversation, initially, he did visit my home to work on a project for work so he can always say he done that a couple of times should it come up. I'm not going to dwell on this scenario - I personally have a lot more other things to worry about right now *sigh...

[Kiki55]

12 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

I think I mentioned this before but what happens when the children start spending time together and your kids start mentioning all the time he's spent having fun with them when he could (and should) have been spending it with his own.

You and he seem dismissive of this, to brush it off but I would be pretty sure his kids would be hurt even if they don't show it. 

Have you even discussed this possibility or is it just put off in a hazy everything will be fine when the children see him happy?

Yes, I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We have many more battles before this point. I can't see me meeting his children for at least 12 months. 

He hasn't spent a great deal of time with my children in all honesty. Whilst he is here, we are continuing our day job that's pretty stressful with a heavy workload. We have an hour before we start and break for a long lunch. My kids will come down and have breakfast, have a chat with the both of us, we might drop them off with their Dad etc he isn't sat there playing board games with them or playing in the garden with them. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

, I know that they do not nor did not spend much time in each others company.

I wonder why that was? But the answer is right here.

On 5/29/2020 at 5:47 PM, Kiki55 said:

He is a man's man. Rarely shows feelings, tells me he's never felt jealousy in his life until me, never enjoyed a woman's company for more than sexual things really until me, never sent more than a couple of texts a day to a woman until... you guessed it..... me. 🙄

Is this really what you want?
People rarely change and yes he schmoozing you now but I guess you will soon join the legion of lonely unhappy woman stuck with a guy who never shows feelings and hardly communicates unless he is looking for sex.
 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

My MM is very involved with them and makes a big effort to get to know them (something I dont believe he would do if he wasn't serious about me) he brings them treats and gifts, jokes and plays with my son alot and will send me things, links to products etc that he thinks they will like. He has taken them to school/picks them up from school

Your own words, sounds involved to me.

[RebeccaR]

To follow up on Elaine’s point: if he has truly finally found an emotional connection with a woman (you), why isn’t he racing to make it legitimate instead of dragging his heels? The children and the wife’s feelings aren’t really an excuse because surely if he has always been so disconnected, they would have already noticed.

[lana-banana]

 What is the point of waiting til next Friday? Surely if he's serious about moving out or signing paperwork or whatever he would be mostly done by now. Is he really planning to sit down Thursday night and say "so, I'm leaving"? And if he's planning to be with you, why do you have to wait and give him space? Shouldn't he be open and honest with you, sharing progress, updates, etc? Waiting fearfully, wishing he would be more open, not wanting to make him mad---does any of that sound like healthy relationship behavior to you?

I just cannot think of any other situation in which you agree with someone to do something very important and then you have to go totally radio silent and focus on not angering them until it's done. Contract killing, maybe.

 

Edited May 31, 2020 by lana-banana