Mascara Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 You don’t need to be separated for 2 years, you can divorce perfectly easily by reason of “unreasonable behaviour” and it doesn’t have to anything major. My husbands ex said she was filing on those grounds, and not to be offended by the stuff she put, that it was just to get the divorce. It was stupid things like “he mocked how badly I cleaned the oven”. The courts literally don’t care how mundane the reasons are, and hey presto you can be divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 "Irreconcilable Differences" is used constantly as grounds for divorce and you're right you don't have to be separated for 2 years. People use excuses not to go forward with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 It's the UK, you need to be separated for 2 years and that's if both people involved agree, if they don't then it's 5 years. Not to mention the judge can intervene if he doesn't agree and deny the decree. There was a case in the news last year where a judge didn't grant the divorce after a separation of 2 years because the husband thought he had a chance of repairing the marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 In the UK you need to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down by way of 5 reasons: 2 years separation with consent 5 years separation without consent Unreasonable behaviour Adultery Desertion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Mascara said: In the UK you need to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down by way of 5 reasons: 2 years separation with consent 5 years separation without consent Unreasonable behaviour Adultery Desertion I’m from the U.K. and yes he can file straight away based on unreasonable behaviour. But obviously that would then mean him treating is W even worse by blaming her on the marriage breaking down. He can’t file on the grounds of adultery. The W would have to do that. The only reason they would have to wait 2 years is if neither of the two options were possible. If he’s trying to keep the A a secret for as long as possible and not upset his W even further then they are not get divorced any time soon ! Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 I assumed he wasn't going to make waves by accusing his wife of the causing the breakdown of the marriage plus the 2 years separation plays into his playing 'single' plans. If he's playing nice to get a better financial deal he's not going to start throwing silly accusations around to get a quickie divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 I have once again, tried to stay off LS for a couple of days. I'm not too sure how I feel about everything at the moment. We are continuing as normal - 7am arrival 5pm departure... we didnt have any sex today, he was a bit quiet this morning and i asked him if he was OK, he said yes, just busy with work.. we are still constantly messaging when he leaves of an evening many "I love you"s etc. BUT I can feel myself withdrawing. I don't know why, I don't want to but I can definetly feel it. I feel a sense of clarity is coming. At this moment I feel that everything he has told me is true BUT he doesn't want to put in the effort to move out of his house just yet and is hoping I may just be OK and give him some extra time - this to me shows serious lack if respect for me as a person and as a "girlfriend" What he may not realise though is that I'm secretly feeling a bit distant, thinking of this scenario. I love him, I know I do, but if he is not willing to put in the effort to do what is needed in order to be with me properly then there is certainly no way I am going to continue this. I know I have made many mistakes along this path and I have sacrificed alot. We have spoke about this, the impact it will have on my kids etc and my job if he chooses not to go through with this. When we talk about these things, I say them in a jokey way, I always like to try and keep things light because I am not one for serious heavy convos (although I know this is what we need) and during this, he laughs about it alot and I will say oi, it's not funny etc, he says it is because I know it's not going to happen and you are worrying about nothing etc" I have been too busy thinking about his situation and his feelings without even considering mine and the sacrifices I'd be making to be with him. So here are my scenarios: Scenario 1: He shows concrete evidence he is moving out Friday - great! Now comes the several month countdown... before I can be outed. I am hiding in the shadows, effectively still living like an OW... He still will have to possibly devote quite some time to her... all the while I'm still wondering if he may want to be with her again... we may not even reach the several month outing! I am here still sacricing my life with the only positive factor being, I know he has made the first step to be with me. This is the only good scenario at the minute (and that is saying something!) Scenario 2: He doesn't move out yet, has a BS story about his job offer and how he needs more time... if I give him more time, I've moved the goal posts... in this scenario, I will not finish things with him but I will go NC and tell him he's got 4 weeks to bring something concrete to me or I'm moving on. Scenario 3: He tells me if I love him, I will wait a little bit longer for him, if I end this now it's on me and not him... this scenario... I will revert back to my action plan on scenario 2. Scenario 4: He tells me he is staying with his wife for XYZ but wants me to be with him still - absolutely NC - I'm done Scenario 5: Admits everything has been a lie I'm going physco on him. Any other possible scenarios and outcomes I should be aware of for Friday? Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Where is the new job? Will it involve him moving to a new location? What about his new place? Is the plan to move him closer to your residence? How will that work with his custody plans? Even in the UK 50/50 split is common these days so he'll have to deal with school runs etc or is he thinking it'll be old every 2nd weekend deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 If he gets this new job does that mean you won't be seeing him every day anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: Any other possible scenarios and outcomes I should be aware of for Friday? His wife calls you up and tells you to stay away from her man... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said: Where is the new job? Will it involve him moving to a new location? What about his new place? Is the plan to move him closer to your residence? How will that work with his custody plans? Even in the UK 50/50 split is common these days so he'll have to deal with school runs etc or is he thinking it'll be old every 2nd weekend deal? He plans to stay in his city to be close to his kids. His new job is in his city too. This doesn't raise a red flag for me... I know he hasn't been happy in the work for a long time, before we got together but because of the virus he stayed... I was a bit concerned but he thinks it'll be better for us not to work together too. We didn't get much done at the office so our jobs were affected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: His wife calls you up and tells you to stay away from her man... Thanks for the comment 👍🏼 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 40 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: If he gets this new job does that mean you won't be seeing him every day anymore? Yes. But like I said to your other comment, this doesn't concern me, it'll be difficult to spend less time with him as usually people spend more time as they get deeper not less but it's been very abnormal times lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Can you clarify scenario 1 again, please? What concrete evidence will you accept? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Kiki55 said: 33 minutes ago, Kiki55 said: I was a bit concerned but he thinks it'll be better for us not to work together too. We didn't get much done at the office so our jobs were affected. Still seems to be affecting your job if I’m reading this correctly that you are having sex together during the work day. I suppose there is always lunch but I have to wonder what your employer would think if they were aware... Quote We are continuing as normal - 7am arrival 5pm departure... we didnt have any sex today It will be interesting to see what happens on Friday. He has built it up to be this massively significant “reveal” and I don’t understand why. Try as you will, I think there are some things in life that you just can’t plan for... Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 I think that scenario 2 is most likely and that you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work? He'll concoct some excuse for why he needs to keep coming to your house to work (you've believed literally everything he's told you so far, so you'll probably accept his excuse for why he needs to work at your house) and one thing will lead to another and you'll find yourself right back in bed with him. If this job offer is real, don't be shocked if he breaks up with you if he gets it. He'll view it as a clean start, he won't be working with you anymore, you'll be in your city an hour away, it'll be easier for him to go NC with you, and he can recommit himself to his marriage without his wife ever having found out about the affair. Did he apply for this job? If yes, it makes sense that he would be public with you in front of your co-workers. He knew that he wouldn't be at that company much longer anyway, so why not parade the OW around in front of coworkers that pretty soon he'll never see again anyway. It's seeming less and less likely that this is his first affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Yosemite said: I think that scenario 2 is most likely and that you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work? I agree with this... and the agony of seeing him everyday for work and wondering what is happening in that home and what he is/is not planning continues... Edited June 3, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Yosemite said: ... you'll have a very hard time going/remaining no contact. How can you when he's coming to your house everyday for work? He'll concoct some excuse for why he needs to keep coming to your house to work ... and one thing will lead to another and you'll find yourself right back in bed with him. 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I agree with this... Me 3, although I'm not sure which scenario may play out. Being at your house will give him opportunities to talk to you, spin stories and excuses. Seeing him will cause you distress and eventually he'll sense that and try to take advantage. If you're going to go NC, you need to go NC, IMO. That would mean banning him from your home. If you're going to do the 4 week deadline thing, he needs to be banned for the 4 weeks. He may turn it around on you and claim you're putting up walls, etc, but you only plan on NC if he's found to be deceiving you about moving out, etc, so I think that would just be a tactic on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Crazelnut said: Can you clarify scenario 1 again, please? What concrete evidence will you accept? That I am still struggling with. I don't know. I don't see how he has had any time to look he is with me working most the time... he has even started lacking on preparing for this job - which by the way he does not have an interview for yet. I feel he is burying hid head in the sand a bit. He loves me, perhaps scared of starting a whole new life, wondering if I will desert him. With all due respect to him and without coming across as big headed but he is not the best looking man, I guess when you fall in love with somebody you don't really know what it is about them and I am quite attractive, blonde, slim, have a lot of (unwanted) male attention. I really don't like to say it like this but it's true, he has some insecurities about how I may 'leave him' albeit said in jest but I think he may actually think this. So I am really struggling with what I would deem acceptable on Friday and whether I will be being too hasty or harsh with him. After all, this started in February but we didn't become investing feelings until mid March so the time period is small, but it's been intense. We haven't ever been on a date yet we have spent 9 hours a day together, cooking, food shopping, walks etc. there are so many layers to this Affair. He jokes that he may just be a pass time for me during the lockdown and when it's over I'll go find somebody better... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki55 Posted June 3, 2020 Author Share Posted June 3, 2020 47 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Me 3, although I'm not sure which scenario may play out. Being at your house will give him opportunities to talk to you, spin stories and excuses. Seeing him will cause you distress and eventually he'll sense that and try to take advantage. If you're going to go NC, you need to go NC, IMO. That would mean banning him from your home. If you're going to do the 4 week deadline thing, he needs to be banned for the 4 weeks. He may turn it around on you and claim you're putting up walls, etc, but you only plan on NC if he's found to be deceiving you about moving out, etc, so I think that would just be a tactic on his part. If we end up with a NC scenario, he will not be coming to my home. We will attempt to work remotely, separately as best we can. This is manageable. It'll be the evenings and weekends that we will notice. Like I said, we rarely go 20 minites without texting, I honestly don't know how the conversations still flow but they do so naturally. I really need to think, and fast, about what i would deem acceptable to me on Friday... and manageable/realistic for him. Right now I've got nothing planned and this is really bad. A need clear goals, clear evidence. More proof of the separation... and a good honest chat, of which, as you know, I haven't been able to bring up. So complicated... I can't help but wonder how/why I let myself get into this. But all I need to think about now is knowing for sure 100% that if/when I walk away, it's because he has genuinely not made the effort and/or never will. If its all genuine, I don't want to lose him because I've pushed him while he's going through a rough time - I need to walk away knowing this is definetly not the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 When he says you may just be seeing him to pass time during lockdown, he’s... projecting. This is the best evidence that he’s just seeing you to pass the time. After all, you left your marriage and kicked your spouse out. He didn’t. I don’t think scenario 5 is the case - he hasn’t concocted an elaborate thing to make you look like a fool; in his view he’s just been enjoying himself. And as others have noted, NC is not a way to get your man by making him miss you. It’s a way to heal from a permanent breakup. Do you really want years of on-off NC like Lilkat, Becca, Lurker? These stories all end the same way. You left your marriage for this guy but he doesn’t want to leave his,. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Also, I don’t understand how this poor man gets a pass for being too busy to look for an apartment. Does everyone quit their job when they decide to move? I guess between driving 100 miles to see you each day and keeping the apartment search secret from his wife, it’s not easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Let us help with the concrete evidence thing. A signed lease with a move in date. A signed contract with a moving company. if he's not moving himself. Accept nothing less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 If things dont work out like you want, do not expect him to be honest. Never expect them to honest. A man will never cop to just using someone. Never. They spin. They want to be the bad guy plus they still want use out of you. A cheating man is not one that has very much integrity, so dont think that this supposed great love he has for you will encourage him to be fully honest. They never are. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Kiki55, I really feel for you and I’m sorry that you’ve got yourself in to this predicament. I know you want to believe him and you love him but I really don’t think you can believe him. He has proved himself to be untrustworthy as he’s been lying to his wife for weeks, he surely must spin a few in your direction as well. He wouldn’t refer to them as lies more just not telling you things because he doesn’t want to hurt you ! The usually MM excuse. If he doesn’t come up with scenario 1 on Friday (which is most likely) then I think you should request that he start looking at properties to rent ASAP with a view to move in by July 1st. If this doesn’t happen (with no exceptions at all) then you will walk for good and start NC. You will deal with your divorce and marriage ending and once healed you will look for a single and honest man who will put you first. 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: he is not the best looking man, 1 hour ago, Kiki55 said: he has some insecurities about how I may 'leave him' This touched a nerve with me. My xmm wasn’t the best looker and he was very scruffy and untidy. Everyone I know has commented that I was far too good for him, attractive, stylish, good personality. They all said he was ‘punching well above his weight!’ When he went back to his wife he did say that he was worried that he would be a disappointment to me and I would dump him and then he would end up on his own. That really scared him. I think he knows his wife will never leave him so she was a far safer bet. So he went back. Why do strong, intelligent, attractive women like us settle for these lying, cowardly, deceitful wimps who want their cake and to eat it. You deserve better but if you still want to pursue things with him, ask him to move out by the 1st or you are moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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