Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Allupinnit]

Also why doesn't he go look at places this weekend with you?  Surely if they're separated she wouldn't mind if he goes to look at apartments - sounded like she wanted him to move out, too.  Is he going to go look with you when she thinks he's at work?

[RebeccaR]

Right now you feel huge relief that he didn’t break up with you. These moments are what I call manufactured drama - you built up this whole scenario that he was going to leave you and he hasn’t, so you had the emotional “reunion”. But really nothing has changed. The Asperger’s angle is a red herring in my opinion. You’ve known him for 18 months so his quirks should not be surprising.

In fact, I would expect someone with Asperger’s to be swayed by logic, so I am surprised he hasn’t researched the ins and outs of custody and alimony and realized adultery is most likely irrelevant. You have said he wants to pretend he wasn’t unfaithful by playing “single” for months or longer. This isn’t only his decision - you are in a mutual relationship. You have every right to tell him you’re uncomfortable with this and you don’t want to hide in the closet. Are you worried he’ll leave you over this, even after your emotional declarations of love today? He’s really not taking your needs into account.

And yes his wife & kids will eventually find out.

Edited June 5, 2020 by RebeccaR
Typo

[heartwhole2]

I agree with Rebecca. His getting a bit emotional, in the grand scheme of things, is not action or proof of commitment. He did less than you wanted or expected and somehow you left the conversation feeling relieved.

If this relationship is going to work out with all the stress that is ahead, you will need much better communication between the two of you. In order to be a good communicator, you both need self-awareness and the coping skills to address hard things head on.

[Bittersweetie]

I'd like to address a point made earlier in the thread. Kiki, you mentioned that you both shy away from serious discussions. That is how my husband and I were for many years. We avoided "serious" talks and it led to anger and resentment on both sides. Ultimately I had an affair because I thought my H "never listened to me" when the reality was I never made myself heard.

What my H and I have learned after all the pain is that in a committed relationship, you must have the difficult conversations. Yes it's really hard to talk about certain things. But to create a place of trust and vulnerability and authenticity, you have to talk about the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. It's a key part of a healthy relationship.

If you are going to start this relationship under these circumstances, then you're going to have to talk openly about everything. Like how he was in the morning, not bringing any of these issues up and causing you anxiety? What if that happened weekly, daily? Maybe he has some issues like the Aspergers that contribute to that reaction, but the pair of you can work through them. Like, come up with coping skills or a script for him. But if you just let things go, keep moving these goalposts, that is not healthy for either of you and creates a dangerous precedent for your relationship moving forward.

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Right now you feel huge relief that he didn’t break up with you. These moments are what I call manufactured drama - you built up this whole scenario that he was going to leave you and he hasn’t, so you had the emotional “reunion”. But really nothing has changed.

I agree with this. What you are feeling today is relief - you’ve had this hugely emotional discussion and he is still interested!! He has offered you a little more reassurance and you have also both had another hit of dopamine which feels pretty darn good after the stress of the last few days/weeks. 

I actually believe that he may want to leave his marriage. He may be just as caught up in the high of this new relationship as you are... but, he has a hard reality he needs to face. And that is where this falls apart for me... He is not willing to do the hard thing - be honest with his spouse and his children, meet with a lawyer, settle his debts, move out of the home... you gave him a clear deadline, he told you to “stick to your deadline” and then showed up with some appointments to look at apartments. That’s not decisive. He’s made no decisions and he has done none of the hard work. He’s had weeks to do something, and this is all he brings to you...

Please, in the relief and the emotional high you are feeling right now don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the position of his “saviour...” you are going to look at apartments with him - he is a grown man, if he’s going to leave his wife and family, he should be able to stand on his own two feet and do what needs to be done. He wants a woman to hold his hand and help him to leave his family, and you are signing up for the job! You really need to be concerned about a man who is not able to communicate, take responsibility for his actions, and deal with his own responsibilities. To me, he seems like another “dreamer” who finds himself enjoying the experience of an affair but he has yet to prove that he is able to do what it takes to make this “dream” a reality. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

if they didn't avoid conflict, they would be confronting their marital issues and solving them or ending the marriage ... not having an affair.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why do all these MM seems to be the conflict avoidant type?

Are they truly conflict avoidant or are they just doing what they want to do. Spinning the plates as required..
He is I guess an intelligent man, he doesn't need to be walked through getting somewhere to live, or advised to speak to a lawyer...
He is not moving out forthwith, as he just doesn't want to...
He has his kids at home, I guess he is not that young.
Who really wants to go and stay in a rented flat and have their assets halved in an instant?
.. and go and live with a woman he in reality hardly knows? 

plus

Quote

An often overlooked characteristic of people with Asperger’s syndrome is the amount of effort they put into avoiding change, both in themselves and in their circumstances. This effort may be quite noticeable, as in a direct refusal to modify a routine they have established, for example, or it may be subtle, as in a certain passivity when faced with a need to act differently. In either case, the underlying motivation to resist change is typically intense and persistent. The desire for sameness in one’s life is central to the Asperger’s condition.

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by elaine567

[RebeccaR]

One more thing: I can’t believe a guy with Asperger’s got married at 17. It’ll not unusual for guys with Asperger’s to first get married around 40 or later. (Examples in my family). There’s just a slowness to fully emotionally mature with this condition which is not a reflection on the person. Something doesn’t add up.

[Kiki55]

Hi to you all,

I'm so overwhelmed by how many of you have made contact and continued contact and support for me over the last couple of weeks. You have shown me some harsh truths and offered great advice. I read several comments earlier and I realised this.

None of you personally know this man, you have only experience and an outside view and I am so grateful for this.. so this is what i wanna say.

I love this man,

I believe he loves me.

I believe he wants to me with me,

I believe he has separated from his wife (He shown me much more conversation history today)

He said how he knows what he has changed and is sacrificing for me but understands that I can't see the full picture yet no matter how much he wants to show me. He tells me that he feels extreme opposite ends of the scale emotions in his life, leaving his kids out of this description, he says with me it's bliss, he's at his happiest all day, he has never felt love like this, then he goes home and he is in pure hell, she is crying every evening, he takes her for a walk to talk, calm down, she's crying in the street in front of people, this has subsided a bit but he said this is what has been happening. 

I believe he will leave the home. What I don't know is when. 

I have 2 options...

Option 1) continue like this until everything falls into place (I believe it will but could take some time) 

Option 2) NC - remain together but NC at all, he works from his home next week, gets the viewings done, we don't talk, text or see eachother until he moves out. 

I was going to go with option 1 but I've told him this evening I can't do it. The pain I am feeling, when he walks out my door every day is killing me little by little every time, it takes me an hour to begin to process he has gone and this is getting longer and longer. 

So, I told him:

I love you, I want to be with you, but not like this. It will not help our relationship if by the time you have left, I am a shell of myself... please get moved out and we will go from there. I will wait for you but not for long. 

He replied with:

I think about you most of the time anyway but tonight, I just can't stop, I feel like I am going crazy. I just want to hold you, I got to fix this. I will try so hard to not contact you until I have. I miss you, I love you x

I replied with a big heart and left it at that. 

So.... please help me, how do I stop myself from contacting him now? We text all the time, no goodnight/good morning messages are going to kill me. 

There is going to be one empty hole in my heart until he fixes things (if he even does) 

[deepthinking]

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

 

I love you, I want to be with you, but not like this. It will not help our relationship if by the time you have left, I am a shell of myself... please get moved out and we will go from there. I will wait for you but not for long. 

He replied with:

I think about you most of the time anyway but tonight, I just can't stop, I feel like I am going crazy.

I like this plan Kiki. Good for you. 

He needs to feel what you have been feeling these past few weeks... And if he doesn’t like it - he needs to make a change. It’s just not fair for him to expect you to continue as you have been and put your life on hold while he does/does not leave his family. 

In terms of what to do now - keep posting. Instead of texting him, text everyone here good morning.  Seriously, you just need to make yourself busy and take it day by day, hour by hour. 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

Yes, he cares for her and does not like to see her like this... He knows what we have done is wrong but it's happened now and can't be undone. He never truly loved her like he should or at least not for a very long time 

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I like this plan Kiki. Good for you. 

He needs to feel what you have been feeling these past few weeks... And if he doesn’t like it - he needs to make a change. It’s just not fair for him to expect you to continue as you have been and put your life on hold while he does/does not leave his family. 

In terms of what to do now - keep posting. Instead of texting him, text everyone here good morning.  Seriously, you just need to make yourself busy and take it day by day, hour by hour. 

Thank you BaileyB. I feel a sense of power but also I'm very nervous... I just got to keep telling myself that if he loves me, respects me, is genuine, he will be in touch soon. 

I honestly don't like the idea of staying with him and keep forcing his hand to do something because even if he does do it, I will always be wondering if he truly wanted to. He is going to have some time to think now and realise it is one or the other - he cannot have both any longer. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

If this is true, he needs to give her the truth and stop prolonging her agony. He can’t fix this for her. The damage has been done. She’s not going to get to a point where she says, “Thanks so much. I’m feeling much better. You can leave now...” If he’s going to cheat on his wife and leave her to be with another woman, the very least he owes her is the common decency to tell her why her life is falling apart. 

Divorce was never going to be easy but what he is doing to the woman by not telling her the truth is cruel. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Yes, he cares for her and does not like to see her like this... He knows what we have done is wrong but it's happened now and can't be undone. 

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

9 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you BaileyB. I feel a sense of power but also I'm very nervous... I just got to keep telling myself that if he loves me, respects me, is genuine, he will be in touch soon. 

I honestly don't like the idea of staying with him and keep forcing his hand to do something because even if he does do it, I will always be wondering if he truly wanted to. He is going to have some time to think now and realise it is one or the other - he cannot have both any longer. 

Hi Kiki,

I’m glad to hear that you have told him you can’t continue in a relationship with him unless he leaves and I understand how you are feeling now that you have ended it and gone NC.  Not being able to communicate is really tough and so painful but you need to look at the bigger picture. He needs to feel what it is like to be without you and maybe that will give him the impetus to leave and divorce his wife. 
Like Bailey said please keep messaging on here and we will get you through it.  There are few of us who know exactly how you are feeling and totally understand. I’m miss xmm a lot and part of me still loves him deeply but he used me and hurt me deeply. I’m trying to move on in my own way. Maybe you will get a better outcome than my relationship. Sending hugs xo xo 

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

I do agree with you. But he doesn't believe he will get to see his kids, he said women always win in these battles, plus his kids might hate him too. I do understand what he's trying to do but I am totally in agreeable with you.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I do agree with you. But he doesn't believe he will get to see his kids, he said women always win in these battles, plus his kids might hate him too. I do understand what he's trying to do but I am totally in agreeable with you.

Well, his kids might hate him and that is their perogative. That is unfortunately, one of the possible consequences when he decided to have an extramarital affair and leave their mother to be with another woman. 

Unfortunately for him, he can’t have his affair and still be the hero for his wife and kids. Try as he might, he can’t be the good guy all around...

As to the other, he needs to educate himself by talking to a lawyer. It’s easy to say “women always win these battles” but it is simply not true anymore. My partner has 50/50 custody of his son. But, he went to a lawyer and he has that in writing...

Why has he not had a consultation with a lawyer yet? I would think that should be the very first thing one would do, when considering the possibility of divorce. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Hi Kiki,

I’m glad to hear that you have told him you can’t continue in a relationship with him unless he leaves and I understand how you are feeling now that you have ended it and gone NC.  Not being able to communicate is really tough and so painful but you need to look at the bigger picture. He needs to feel what it is like to be without you and maybe that will give him the impetus to leave and divorce his wife. 
Like Bailey said please keep messaging on here and we will get you through it.  There are few of us who know exactly how you are feeling and totally understand. I’m miss xmm a lot and part of me still loves him deeply but he used me and hurt me deeply. I’m trying to move on in my own way. Maybe you will get a better outcome than my relationship. Sending hugs xo xo 

Thank you Beca L. How long has it been NC for you? Would you mind sharing our story? I apologise if you have already, I have read so much content on this thread I've lost track 😕

I do have faith in him, he has been honest with me I believe. He told me to today he is concerned I will not trust him in future based on how this has begin, I told him that if he follows through with everything he has promised, I will begin with a clean slate. He was honest with me from the start. He told me he wouldn't leave her because he didn't have the heart.. then that changed completely when he fell in love with me. He told me today that his marriage wasn't a bad marriage and he would probs my of stayed in it if he hadn't met me, but he couldn't anymore now he knows what true love feels like. Somebody trying to deceive me would perhaps run their wife down.. she doesn't understand me, she's a horrible person etc. I could literally feel it and see it in his eyes, his face, he truly does love me, but he will probably not leave in good time if I am not rocking the boat. If it's meant to be, it will, truly, be. 

[Kiki55]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well, his kids might hate him and that is their perogative. That is unfortunately, one of the possible consequences when he decided to have an extramarital affair and leave their mother to be with another woman. 

As to the other, he needs to educate himself by talking to a lawyer. It’s easy to say “women always win these battles” but it is simply not true anymore. My partner has 50/50 custody of his son. But, he went to a lawyer and he has that in writing...

Why has he not had a consultation with a lawyer yet? I would think that should be the very first thing one would do, when considering the possibility of divorce. 

Yes, again I see your point. My friend said to me, it's his circus and his monkeys, let him sort that out himself, so that is what I'm going to do. 

I think thst perhaps, he may be able to settle this between them but as soon as she gets wind of a 'New girlfriend' she may start becoming awkward, in this case this is why he should make sure everything is agreed officially beforehand. If he comes back to me, I will certainly make this point known to him, it's no skin off my nose so if he doesn't want to go to it then that's up to him. Would be nicer to be with him though 'happy' instead of miserable because she has started being awkward. Also, the age if his children suggests they will certainly be able to see if she becomes spiteful. I can't see how she can stop them seeing their dad if they want to, unless she can say he's a danger or something because the kids are one of teen age and close to teenage. 

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved. Lots of people keep talking about him telling the W about Kiki but I don’t see how that is going to help anyone. It will devastate his W she will be even more heartbroken and less likely to give him up. The kids will be dragged in to the whole thing, scorned women don’t sit around taking it and silently moving on with their life and agreeing to a divorce. They will rant and rave and tell the children what a B...D their dad is. The W will then hound Kiki, possibly her H and family. It will be a nightmare. 
I think he should leave, deal with his separation and apply for the divorce and then in time start dating Kiki. This way their relationship will have a far greater chance of success and less people will be hurt. 
I know many will disagree with what I suggest but what personal  experience do you have ??

I have been through it and if it could turn back the clock to where Kiki is today I would have walked and asked xmm to leave his W, separate and start the divorce and in time once he had dealt with the break down of his marriage we could have started dating. Instead he walked out, told his W all about me. She went crazy, hounded me with letters at work, Facebook messages, turned his sons against him, refused to divorce  and never gave up begging him to returns for at least 8-10 months. 

[elaine567]

The problem here is Kiki's kids and the fact he has played happy families with them for months.
This cant be kept secret and who knows who else already knows.
If I was one of the kids I  would have already looked up his wife and kids on FB...

 

[RebeccaR]

Tough situation. I believe he’s going crazy without you but unfortunately he may go crazy (in a different way) without his wife. Seems they have a lot of history together. I don’t think it’s just that he’s too lazy to look around for an apartment - this is a man who’s truly paralyzed with indecision.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved.

For sure Beca, there are those who decide to stay and fight for their man. 

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you Beca L. How long has it been NC for you? Would you mind sharing our story? I apologise if you have already, I have read so much content on this thread I've lost track 😕

Hi,

my story is on the site. It is ‘went back to his wife after a year together ‘ 

I’ve been in NC for 6 months. MM left his wife after 2 months ( we work in a school, I’d known him about 5 years). We were together over a year. A lot of the time he was living here with me and my 3 kids. He went back in Jan 2018 and then he spent the following 2 years keeping me as the OW telling me he regretted going back and that he was deeply in love with me and that he’d made a terrible mistake but didn’t know how he could leave again. I finally had enough and we had a big row before Xmas. I’ve not spoken to him since and he’s not tried to contact me either. I see him at school and we just ignore each other which is horrific. At least the lock down has helped as I’ve not seen him for about 11 weeks. Not sure how I’ll feel when I see him again. Schools where I live go back in 3 weeks so I will probably see him then. 
Thinking about you and I hope you are right about MM. Xo