Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Allupinnit]

9 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

This. She's going to get $$ anyway. 

And she WILL find out. Your kids are going to talk to his kids, who are going to talk to Mom. Imagine her pain at finding out that he's been at your house playing step dad to YOUR kids instead of being at home being real dad to HIS kids. He needs to come clean. 

Right - and now is the time for him to set the narrative by coming clean with his family.  They're going to find out anyway, it's just a matter of WHEN and HOW and it would be a whole lot better for EVERYONE involved if it came from him NOW and not six months from now when it's all uncovered.

Your biggest mistake here was getting him involved with your kids.  This is going to hurt a LOT of people.

[Allupinnit]

Sorry to drag you back down to earth after what I'm sure was an emotional and passionate afternoon together but sh*t is about to get REAL for him.  

[S2B]

Is he prepared to move now? What did he say about when he filed for divorce?

please don’t move in with him if he takes a new place. You need your own space if he goes through with this.

[Amethyst68]

So did you give him his new move out by date?

I'm sorry but this proves literally nothing, as I mentioned before property viewings can be arranged easily it doesn't mean anything's going to be signed.

If your MM is looking at properties in his own home city and you're going with him to view what about the prospect of being seen together? 

If it does happen then it's past time for the wife to know but he wouldn't be the first MP to lie about the reason for the split, especially when it comes to money. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if he was planning on leaving to hear that he'd been hiding money for some time.

[S2B]

Has he actually filed for divorce online? When is his move out date?

has he separated his money from her yet by getting a bank account for himself?

 

[S2B]

If he’s found places online I don’t see why he doesn’t go look at them now? Why wait another week to look at them?

when I want to see a place I go look at it the same day or next day.

please tell us you are firm on a boundary if he doesn’t make changes happen next week.

[Yosemite]

I just don't have a good feeling about this. Ok, he has Aspergers, but why did he make you wait until Friday? You saw the confirmation emails? What was the date on them? Maybe he was getting them this morning and that's why he was late. (I'm not believing that today is the one day that he overslept. )

My only advice is just make sure that's there's always forward progress. So after you go to these appointments, he needs to pick one that week and get a signed lease that week. I'm betting that none of them will be furnished (another lie from him.)

Did you tell him that you couldn't sleep last night because of how stressed you were? What was his response?

It's highly probable that once he learns the actual financial hit of the divorce, he may not go through with it. You're basically forcing his hand and he's showing signs of wavering and not really knowing what he wants. Even if he does leave his wife for you, he may be surprised to find that he feels resentment towards you because you kind of made him do it.

This just isn't worth it and I hope that you can see that you don't have to keep going down this path. You can break up with him. You can find a decent and honest man for yourself.

Edited June 5, 2020 by Yosemite

[Allupinnit]

Also why doesn't he go look at places this weekend with you?  Surely if they're separated she wouldn't mind if he goes to look at apartments - sounded like she wanted him to move out, too.  Is he going to go look with you when she thinks he's at work?

[RebeccaR]

Right now you feel huge relief that he didn’t break up with you. These moments are what I call manufactured drama - you built up this whole scenario that he was going to leave you and he hasn’t, so you had the emotional “reunion”. But really nothing has changed. The Asperger’s angle is a red herring in my opinion. You’ve known him for 18 months so his quirks should not be surprising.

In fact, I would expect someone with Asperger’s to be swayed by logic, so I am surprised he hasn’t researched the ins and outs of custody and alimony and realized adultery is most likely irrelevant. You have said he wants to pretend he wasn’t unfaithful by playing “single” for months or longer. This isn’t only his decision - you are in a mutual relationship. You have every right to tell him you’re uncomfortable with this and you don’t want to hide in the closet. Are you worried he’ll leave you over this, even after your emotional declarations of love today? He’s really not taking your needs into account.

And yes his wife & kids will eventually find out.

Edited June 5, 2020 by RebeccaR
Typo

[heartwhole2]

I agree with Rebecca. His getting a bit emotional, in the grand scheme of things, is not action or proof of commitment. He did less than you wanted or expected and somehow you left the conversation feeling relieved.

If this relationship is going to work out with all the stress that is ahead, you will need much better communication between the two of you. In order to be a good communicator, you both need self-awareness and the coping skills to address hard things head on.

[S2B]

You will need to spoon feed him exactly what you need from him every day - you know that right?

[Bittersweetie]

I'd like to address a point made earlier in the thread. Kiki, you mentioned that you both shy away from serious discussions. That is how my husband and I were for many years. We avoided "serious" talks and it led to anger and resentment on both sides. Ultimately I had an affair because I thought my H "never listened to me" when the reality was I never made myself heard.

What my H and I have learned after all the pain is that in a committed relationship, you must have the difficult conversations. Yes it's really hard to talk about certain things. But to create a place of trust and vulnerability and authenticity, you have to talk about the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. It's a key part of a healthy relationship.

If you are going to start this relationship under these circumstances, then you're going to have to talk openly about everything. Like how he was in the morning, not bringing any of these issues up and causing you anxiety? What if that happened weekly, daily? Maybe he has some issues like the Aspergers that contribute to that reaction, but the pair of you can work through them. Like, come up with coping skills or a script for him. But if you just let things go, keep moving these goalposts, that is not healthy for either of you and creates a dangerous precedent for your relationship moving forward.

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Right now you feel huge relief that he didn’t break up with you. These moments are what I call manufactured drama - you built up this whole scenario that he was going to leave you and he hasn’t, so you had the emotional “reunion”. But really nothing has changed.

I agree with this. What you are feeling today is relief - you’ve had this hugely emotional discussion and he is still interested!! He has offered you a little more reassurance and you have also both had another hit of dopamine which feels pretty darn good after the stress of the last few days/weeks. 

I actually believe that he may want to leave his marriage. He may be just as caught up in the high of this new relationship as you are... but, he has a hard reality he needs to face. And that is where this falls apart for me... He is not willing to do the hard thing - be honest with his spouse and his children, meet with a lawyer, settle his debts, move out of the home... you gave him a clear deadline, he told you to “stick to your deadline” and then showed up with some appointments to look at apartments. That’s not decisive. He’s made no decisions and he has done none of the hard work. He’s had weeks to do something, and this is all he brings to you...

Please, in the relief and the emotional high you are feeling right now don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the position of his “saviour...” you are going to look at apartments with him - he is a grown man, if he’s going to leave his wife and family, he should be able to stand on his own two feet and do what needs to be done. He wants a woman to hold his hand and help him to leave his family, and you are signing up for the job! You really need to be concerned about a man who is not able to communicate, take responsibility for his actions, and deal with his own responsibilities. To me, he seems like another “dreamer” who finds himself enjoying the experience of an affair but he has yet to prove that he is able to do what it takes to make this “dream” a reality. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Why do all these MM seems to be the conflict avoidant type?

[PhoenixRising8]

if they didn't avoid conflict, they would be confronting their marital issues and solving them or ending the marriage ... not having an affair.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why do all these MM seems to be the conflict avoidant type?

Are they truly conflict avoidant or are they just doing what they want to do. Spinning the plates as required..
He is I guess an intelligent man, he doesn't need to be walked through getting somewhere to live, or advised to speak to a lawyer...
He is not moving out forthwith, as he just doesn't want to...
He has his kids at home, I guess he is not that young.
Who really wants to go and stay in a rented flat and have their assets halved in an instant?
.. and go and live with a woman he in reality hardly knows? 

plus

Quote

An often overlooked characteristic of people with Asperger’s syndrome is the amount of effort they put into avoiding change, both in themselves and in their circumstances. This effort may be quite noticeable, as in a direct refusal to modify a routine they have established, for example, or it may be subtle, as in a certain passivity when faced with a need to act differently. In either case, the underlying motivation to resist change is typically intense and persistent. The desire for sameness in one’s life is central to the Asperger’s condition.

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by elaine567

[RebeccaR]

One more thing: I can’t believe a guy with Asperger’s got married at 17. It’ll not unusual for guys with Asperger’s to first get married around 40 or later. (Examples in my family). There’s just a slowness to fully emotionally mature with this condition which is not a reflection on the person. Something doesn’t add up.

[S2B]

You NEED to explain to him your specific feelings each and every day!!! That way he seriously understands where YOU are at!

Edited June 5, 2020 by S2B

[Kiki55]

Hi to you all,

I'm so overwhelmed by how many of you have made contact and continued contact and support for me over the last couple of weeks. You have shown me some harsh truths and offered great advice. I read several comments earlier and I realised this.

None of you personally know this man, you have only experience and an outside view and I am so grateful for this.. so this is what i wanna say.

I love this man,

I believe he loves me.

I believe he wants to me with me,

I believe he has separated from his wife (He shown me much more conversation history today)

He said how he knows what he has changed and is sacrificing for me but understands that I can't see the full picture yet no matter how much he wants to show me. He tells me that he feels extreme opposite ends of the scale emotions in his life, leaving his kids out of this description, he says with me it's bliss, he's at his happiest all day, he has never felt love like this, then he goes home and he is in pure hell, she is crying every evening, he takes her for a walk to talk, calm down, she's crying in the street in front of people, this has subsided a bit but he said this is what has been happening. 

I believe he will leave the home. What I don't know is when. 

I have 2 options...

Option 1) continue like this until everything falls into place (I believe it will but could take some time) 

Option 2) NC - remain together but NC at all, he works from his home next week, gets the viewings done, we don't talk, text or see eachother until he moves out. 

I was going to go with option 1 but I've told him this evening I can't do it. The pain I am feeling, when he walks out my door every day is killing me little by little every time, it takes me an hour to begin to process he has gone and this is getting longer and longer. 

So, I told him:

I love you, I want to be with you, but not like this. It will not help our relationship if by the time you have left, I am a shell of myself... please get moved out and we will go from there. I will wait for you but not for long. 

He replied with:

I think about you most of the time anyway but tonight, I just can't stop, I feel like I am going crazy. I just want to hold you, I got to fix this. I will try so hard to not contact you until I have. I miss you, I love you x

I replied with a big heart and left it at that. 

So.... please help me, how do I stop myself from contacting him now? We text all the time, no goodnight/good morning messages are going to kill me. 

There is going to be one empty hole in my heart until he fixes things (if he even does) 

[deepthinking]

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

 

I love you, I want to be with you, but not like this. It will not help our relationship if by the time you have left, I am a shell of myself... please get moved out and we will go from there. I will wait for you but not for long. 

He replied with:

I think about you most of the time anyway but tonight, I just can't stop, I feel like I am going crazy.

I like this plan Kiki. Good for you. 

He needs to feel what you have been feeling these past few weeks... And if he doesn’t like it - he needs to make a change. It’s just not fair for him to expect you to continue as you have been and put your life on hold while he does/does not leave his family. 

In terms of what to do now - keep posting. Instead of texting him, text everyone here good morning.  Seriously, you just need to make yourself busy and take it day by day, hour by hour. 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

Yes, he cares for her and does not like to see her like this... He knows what we have done is wrong but it's happened now and can't be undone. He never truly loved her like he should or at least not for a very long time 

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I like this plan Kiki. Good for you. 

He needs to feel what you have been feeling these past few weeks... And if he doesn’t like it - he needs to make a change. It’s just not fair for him to expect you to continue as you have been and put your life on hold while he does/does not leave his family. 

In terms of what to do now - keep posting. Instead of texting him, text everyone here good morning.  Seriously, you just need to make yourself busy and take it day by day, hour by hour. 

Thank you BaileyB. I feel a sense of power but also I'm very nervous... I just got to keep telling myself that if he loves me, respects me, is genuine, he will be in touch soon. 

I honestly don't like the idea of staying with him and keep forcing his hand to do something because even if he does do it, I will always be wondering if he truly wanted to. He is going to have some time to think now and realise it is one or the other - he cannot have both any longer. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

His wife cries every evening.   What  triggers it?   What stops it?   Is she crying  cuz she loves him too?  

If this is true, he needs to give her the truth and stop prolonging her agony. He can’t fix this for her. The damage has been done. She’s not going to get to a point where she says, “Thanks so much. I’m feeling much better. You can leave now...” If he’s going to cheat on his wife and leave her to be with another woman, the very least he owes her is the common decency to tell her why her life is falling apart. 

Divorce was never going to be easy but what he is doing to the woman by not telling her the truth is cruel. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Yes, he cares for her and does not like to see her like this... He knows what we have done is wrong but it's happened now and can't be undone. 

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB