Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[Beca L]

9 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you BaileyB. I feel a sense of power but also I'm very nervous... I just got to keep telling myself that if he loves me, respects me, is genuine, he will be in touch soon. 

I honestly don't like the idea of staying with him and keep forcing his hand to do something because even if he does do it, I will always be wondering if he truly wanted to. He is going to have some time to think now and realise it is one or the other - he cannot have both any longer. 

Hi Kiki,

I’m glad to hear that you have told him you can’t continue in a relationship with him unless he leaves and I understand how you are feeling now that you have ended it and gone NC.  Not being able to communicate is really tough and so painful but you need to look at the bigger picture. He needs to feel what it is like to be without you and maybe that will give him the impetus to leave and divorce his wife. 
Like Bailey said please keep messaging on here and we will get you through it.  There are few of us who know exactly how you are feeling and totally understand. I’m miss xmm a lot and part of me still loves him deeply but he used me and hurt me deeply. I’m trying to move on in my own way. Maybe you will get a better outcome than my relationship. Sending hugs xo xo 

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

I do agree with you. But he doesn't believe he will get to see his kids, he said women always win in these battles, plus his kids might hate him too. I do understand what he's trying to do but I am totally in agreeable with you.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I do agree with you. But he doesn't believe he will get to see his kids, he said women always win in these battles, plus his kids might hate him too. I do understand what he's trying to do but I am totally in agreeable with you.

Well, his kids might hate him and that is their perogative. That is unfortunately, one of the possible consequences when he decided to have an extramarital affair and leave their mother to be with another woman. 

Unfortunately for him, he can’t have his affair and still be the hero for his wife and kids. Try as he might, he can’t be the good guy all around...

As to the other, he needs to educate himself by talking to a lawyer. It’s easy to say “women always win these battles” but it is simply not true anymore. My partner has 50/50 custody of his son. But, he went to a lawyer and he has that in writing...

Why has he not had a consultation with a lawyer yet? I would think that should be the very first thing one would do, when considering the possibility of divorce. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Hi Kiki,

I’m glad to hear that you have told him you can’t continue in a relationship with him unless he leaves and I understand how you are feeling now that you have ended it and gone NC.  Not being able to communicate is really tough and so painful but you need to look at the bigger picture. He needs to feel what it is like to be without you and maybe that will give him the impetus to leave and divorce his wife. 
Like Bailey said please keep messaging on here and we will get you through it.  There are few of us who know exactly how you are feeling and totally understand. I’m miss xmm a lot and part of me still loves him deeply but he used me and hurt me deeply. I’m trying to move on in my own way. Maybe you will get a better outcome than my relationship. Sending hugs xo xo 

Thank you Beca L. How long has it been NC for you? Would you mind sharing our story? I apologise if you have already, I have read so much content on this thread I've lost track 😕

I do have faith in him, he has been honest with me I believe. He told me to today he is concerned I will not trust him in future based on how this has begin, I told him that if he follows through with everything he has promised, I will begin with a clean slate. He was honest with me from the start. He told me he wouldn't leave her because he didn't have the heart.. then that changed completely when he fell in love with me. He told me today that his marriage wasn't a bad marriage and he would probs my of stayed in it if he hadn't met me, but he couldn't anymore now he knows what true love feels like. Somebody trying to deceive me would perhaps run their wife down.. she doesn't understand me, she's a horrible person etc. I could literally feel it and see it in his eyes, his face, he truly does love me, but he will probably not leave in good time if I am not rocking the boat. If it's meant to be, it will, truly, be. 

[Kiki55]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well, his kids might hate him and that is their perogative. That is unfortunately, one of the possible consequences when he decided to have an extramarital affair and leave their mother to be with another woman. 

As to the other, he needs to educate himself by talking to a lawyer. It’s easy to say “women always win these battles” but it is simply not true anymore. My partner has 50/50 custody of his son. But, he went to a lawyer and he has that in writing...

Why has he not had a consultation with a lawyer yet? I would think that should be the very first thing one would do, when considering the possibility of divorce. 

Yes, again I see your point. My friend said to me, it's his circus and his monkeys, let him sort that out himself, so that is what I'm going to do. 

I think thst perhaps, he may be able to settle this between them but as soon as she gets wind of a 'New girlfriend' she may start becoming awkward, in this case this is why he should make sure everything is agreed officially beforehand. If he comes back to me, I will certainly make this point known to him, it's no skin off my nose so if he doesn't want to go to it then that's up to him. Would be nicer to be with him though 'happy' instead of miserable because she has started being awkward. Also, the age if his children suggests they will certainly be able to see if she becomes spiteful. I can't see how she can stop them seeing their dad if they want to, unless she can say he's a danger or something because the kids are one of teen age and close to teenage. 

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, it can’t be undone but he could tell her the truth and accept responsibility for his actions. He could humble himself, ask her forgiveness, and accept whatever consequences there are for making the decision to leave his marriage to be with another woman. 

I hate to be a broken record here... and I know that this is not your decision Kiki. But I have to wonder if her reaction may be different if she knows the truth. Rather than crying and asking him to stay, she may decide to pack his bags and wish him well... she will still be crying but her tears may not be as long lasting as if she is left wondering what she did to deserve this... 

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved. Lots of people keep talking about him telling the W about Kiki but I don’t see how that is going to help anyone. It will devastate his W she will be even more heartbroken and less likely to give him up. The kids will be dragged in to the whole thing, scorned women don’t sit around taking it and silently moving on with their life and agreeing to a divorce. They will rant and rave and tell the children what a B...D their dad is. The W will then hound Kiki, possibly her H and family. It will be a nightmare. 
I think he should leave, deal with his separation and apply for the divorce and then in time start dating Kiki. This way their relationship will have a far greater chance of success and less people will be hurt. 
I know many will disagree with what I suggest but what personal  experience do you have ??

I have been through it and if it could turn back the clock to where Kiki is today I would have walked and asked xmm to leave his W, separate and start the divorce and in time once he had dealt with the break down of his marriage we could have started dating. Instead he walked out, told his W all about me. She went crazy, hounded me with letters at work, Facebook messages, turned his sons against him, refused to divorce  and never gave up begging him to returns for at least 8-10 months. 

[elaine567]

The problem here is Kiki's kids and the fact he has played happy families with them for months.
This cant be kept secret and who knows who else already knows.
If I was one of the kids I  would have already looked up his wife and kids on FB...

 

[RebeccaR]

Tough situation. I believe he’s going crazy without you but unfortunately he may go crazy (in a different way) without his wife. Seems they have a lot of history together. I don’t think it’s just that he’s too lazy to look around for an apartment - this is a man who’s truly paralyzed with indecision.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved.

For sure Beca, there are those who decide to stay and fight for their man. 

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Thank you Beca L. How long has it been NC for you? Would you mind sharing our story? I apologise if you have already, I have read so much content on this thread I've lost track 😕

Hi,

my story is on the site. It is ‘went back to his wife after a year together ‘ 

I’ve been in NC for 6 months. MM left his wife after 2 months ( we work in a school, I’d known him about 5 years). We were together over a year. A lot of the time he was living here with me and my 3 kids. He went back in Jan 2018 and then he spent the following 2 years keeping me as the OW telling me he regretted going back and that he was deeply in love with me and that he’d made a terrible mistake but didn’t know how he could leave again. I finally had enough and we had a big row before Xmas. I’ve not spoken to him since and he’s not tried to contact me either. I see him at school and we just ignore each other which is horrific. At least the lock down has helped as I’ve not seen him for about 11 weeks. Not sure how I’ll feel when I see him again. Schools where I live go back in 3 weeks so I will probably see him then. 
Thinking about you and I hope you are right about MM. Xo 

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

For sure Beca, there are those who decide to stay and fight for their man. 

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

I would be the same as you and let them go. However I’m finding more and more when I read stuff online that so many women do take back cheating H and seem to want them more if there is OW on the scene. I don’t get it, it’s like the W, the H and the OW are all broken in some way. 

[Beca L]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is Kiki's kids and the fact he has played happy families with them for months.
This cant be kept secret and who knows who else already knows.
If I was one of the kids I  would have already looked up his wife and kids on FB...

 

I’m not sure if they are old enough for FB. Most kids just use snap chat and instagram. I don’t think her kids would be saying anything to his family. Obviously later down the line when the kids meet each other that might happen but that is a long way off and I guess they will deal with that at the time. By then they might be divorced and custody agreements in place and finances sorted. Also they don’t even live in the same town. I think he’s worried about his family finding out but he seems quite happy to tell work colleagues and for Kiki’s friends & family to know. 

[Kiki55]

21 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Hi,

my story is on the site. It is ‘went back to his wife after a year together ‘ 

I’ve been in NC for 6 months. MM left his wife after 2 months ( we work in a school, I’d known him about 5 years). We were together over a year. A lot of the time he was living here with me and my 3 kids. He went back in Jan 2018 and then he spent the following 2 years keeping me as the OW telling me he regretted going back and that he was deeply in love with me and that he’d made a terrible mistake but didn’t know how he could leave again. I finally had enough and we had a big row before Xmas. I’ve not spoken to him since and he’s not tried to contact me either. I see him at school and we just ignore each other which is horrific. At least the lock down has helped as I’ve not seen him for about 11 weeks. Not sure how I’ll feel when I see him again. Schools where I live go back in 3 weeks so I will probably see him then. 
Thinking about you and I hope you are right about MM. Xo 

Wow that must be have been and continue to be so difficult. Especially continuing to work together. Seems like you are much better out of it and although we know it, it doesn't make the heartache any easier... are you feeling better 6 months on? Has the pain lessened? Are you trying to find somebody new? I guess the last question is hard during this lockdown...  

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

15 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I would be the same as you and let them go. However I’m finding more and more when I read stuff online that so many women do take back cheating H and seem to want them more if there is OW on the scene. I don’t get it, it’s like the W, the H and the OW are all broken in some way. 

It's like it becomes a game, a competition to see who can win the star prize, it's just the star prize is an a*****e 

I don't want to play this game. If this is meant to be, it'll happen but I'm not making any effort now until he does. I know I've seen a different side to him today, his emotional side... I guess time will tell. I am giving him 4 weeks in my head to contact me, I won't be telling him this. If he hasn't by then I am moving on. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

That would not be me. If he has decided to go elsewhere, the last thing that I would want would be to try and entice him to stay... He’s made his choice. I would just make if official.

But this woman is a stay at home Mom with two teenagers, it usually kind of changes things.
She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.
She probably doesn't want to be thrown back into the job market and dating pool at her age.
"love"  may have gone out the window the minute he cheated, but she is not going to sit back and lose it all.

[RebeccaR]

All their colleagues know they’re having an affair. It’s unrealistic that no one will let it slip and from there it might get back to the wife. It’s possible she’ll never find out, but all it takes is one chance remark.

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if they are old enough for FB. Most kids just use snap chat and instagram. I don’t think her kids would be saying anything to his family. Obviously later down the line when the kids meet each other that might happen but that is a long way off and I guess they will deal with that at the time. By then they might be divorced and custody agreements in place and finances sorted. Also they don’t even live in the same town. I think he’s worried about his family finding out but he seems quite happy to tell work colleagues and for Kiki’s friends & family to know. 

Well, my kids don't know too much about him. They know his first name, I haven't told them his surname and to be honest they haven't asked. Down the line, if it comes to it, I honestly doubt it will get brought up thst he was here. I can't see them meeting for at least a year. We have made some mistakes along the way but we do intend to do things right now... obviously, I would prefer to come clean to his wife but not my decision but in terms of the kids, we are going to protect them as best we can from now. We've acted very irrational and silly. Me in particular bringing him into the home but what a done is done. If he doesn't come back I will just tell them he has moved away and it was best to end it. 

[Kiki55]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But this woman is a stay at home Mom with two teenagers, it usually kind of changes things.
She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.
She probably doesn't want to be thrown back into the job market and dating pool at her age.
"love"  may have gone out the window the minute he cheated, but she is not going to sit back and lose it all.

@BaileyB I am with you on this but I do understand @elaine567 comment. Some women will hold onto it. Especially if they are a bit older. 

On another note, do you ever worry that what you post might give away your identity somehow? I've been a bit concerned over some of the details I've expressed here. What if she or any other concerned W went looking and seen these forums and content. I'm reluctant to give too much away and there is so much more I could say to sway opinion. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

All their colleagues know they’re having an affair. It’s unrealistic that no one will let it slip and from there it might get back to the wife. It’s possible she’ll never find out, but all it takes is one chance remark.

She lives in a different city. Doesn't know anybody in mine. I am concerned by my name, hair colour place of work... (without giving too much away for fear of revealing too many details and be exposed on this forum) she could easily put 2 and 2 together when he does go public with me. I know she has been a bit suspicious of something in the past. 

[Kiki55]

56 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I’m not sure if I agree here.  In all the stories I’ve read on LS and other sites these women do the opposite and fight like hell to keep their man once they find out there is another women involved. Lots of people keep talking about him telling the W about Kiki but I don’t see how that is going to help anyone. It will devastate his W she will be even more heartbroken and less likely to give him up. The kids will be dragged in to the whole thing, scorned women don’t sit around taking it and silently moving on with their life and agreeing to a divorce. They will rant and rave and tell the children what a B...D their dad is. The W will then hound Kiki, possibly her H and family. It will be a nightmare. 
I think he should leave, deal with his separation and apply for the divorce and then in time start dating Kiki. This way their relationship will have a far greater chance of success and less people will be hurt. 
I know many will disagree with what I suggest but what personal  experience do you have ??

I have been through it and if it could turn back the clock to where Kiki is today I would have walked and asked xmm to leave his W, separate and start the divorce and in time once he had dealt with the break down of his marriage we could have started dating. Instead he walked out, told his W all about me. She went crazy, hounded me with letters at work, Facebook messages, turned his sons against him, refused to divorce  and never gave up begging him to returns for at least 8-10 months. 

I agree with this totally but I would be happy to go through the consequences with him if he wanted to tell her the truth... for me though, I couldn't imagine not being with him until his divoroce is finalised. I am happy to go NC for 4 weeks now, well not happy but I know I need to do this but once he has (if he does) then I want to see him again strsight away. I love him and want to support him anyway I can once he has shown me that he has done what he promised. I don't think it's also fair to let him go through all that alone, without my support for me to then try and turn up once everything is rosey 'So to speak'

Do you understand where I am coming from? He stayed with me through my break up, he has supported me and I guess will continue to support me when I get my divorce too. 

[Amethyst68]

I always say it wouldn't be me  to stay and fight for a man who had an affair but I've never been in that position so who knows. Especially with a decades long marriage and young teen and pre-teen children.

The thing you all don't take into consideration is that the BW who stay and fight for the marriage have to have a husband to fight for that marriage with! Often they stay because it's their husband begging them not to leave, to give the marriage another chance. The MM is hardly going to tell their OW that though, it doesn't fit their narrative, especially if they think they might want to hook up again at a later date.

Obviously some MM leave, not all of them through their own volition. When they do leave, as we've seen on many threads here they often go back or look for someone new after the split, someone not connected to the breakdown of their marriage.

You have to look after you, your children should be your priority at this point. Perhaps think about getting your own separation agreement in place while your husband is agreeable because that may change as he more time to think about the situation.

 

 

[Amethyst68]

23 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I know she has been a bit suspicious of something in the past. 

I thought this all started 6 weeks ago? Are you saying there was actually something going on before then? Or is it that he has done something similar with someone else in the past?

[Beca L]

51 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is likely not going to give up the life she built and hand it to some other woman.
I don't think many in this situation are fighting for his "love" as much as they are fighting for their family and the maintenance of the status quo.

This makes sense and I agree but when you actually read what you’ve just said it also makes me mad. (Not you or your comments but the fact that this does happen) If they believe the love might have gone and they aren’t really fighting for him it all just seems so wrong. At the end of the day everyone is left hurt and damaged. No one really wins. 
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic and I want true love, a connection, passion, common interests, emotional and physical intimacy. Why are people prepared to settle for far less than that just to maintain the status quo or their family (which is now broken, maybe will never be the same). Life is far too short 

[Allupinnit]

@Beca L - because marriages go through ups and downs and left to itself a marriage will whither away.  They take ACTIVE work.  People can and DO fall back in love all the time after what they thought was an impossible hurdle.  Even affairs.

[Beca L]

40 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Do you understand where I am coming from? He stayed with me through my break up, he has supported me and I guess will continue to support me when I get my divorce too. 

Yes I do because I did that. I was his emotional crutch for 12 months. I supported him, helped him find a house to rent, went to IKEA with him to buy stuff, lent him beds, crockery etc. Encouraged him to keep in contact with his sons even when they continuously rejected him. I helped him though so many aspects of the separation, divorce, house sale etc. Yes I was single but that year was very much about him and his emotional needs, he needed a lot of attention. I was happy to give it but as I started to get sick of the ‘me me me all the time’ and his  depression about his sons ( he didn’t put much effort in to trying to reconnect with them ) and when I started to demand more commitment towards me and my kids and our future life together that’s when he started thinking about going back to her. My life had too many complications ! That’s what he kept telling me. So I get what you are saying but remember you can still be a support to him but he’s a big boy and he needs to deal with it himself and you don’t need to be his crutch !!!