Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[BaileyB]

If there is one common thread for the few that actually do leave and have a relationship, they are decisive. They don’t do the push-pull, always moving the goal post thing - I’m leaving but after the pandemic, after my child’s birthday, after the summer... 

[Kiki55]

I know I'm splitting hairs but once I realised I had feelings for the MM I ended my marriage. We were friends within a group of friends and it hit us like a ton of bricks. I own my actions. My MM needs to own his, I know that. 

[Kiki55]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If there is one common thread for the few that actually do leave and have a relationship, they are decisive. They don’t do the push-pull, always moving the goal post thing - I’m leaving but after the pandemic, after my child’s birthday, after the summer... 

I get that. All I can do now is wait until June 5th and go from there. I do not want to continue like this. I love him and if he loves me like he says he does, then he will do what needs to be done, otherwise I am finishing things for good, better to adorn the heartache now then continue miserable with these highs and lows to then have the enviable heartache in the future. I just need to my strength to do this and I think I am there now. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

 I have today given him a deadline and he seems happy and has accepted it. This deadline is 2 weeks away ... I guess I will continue to check in and update on this situation for those that either want to know if there is hope for a MM to leave and also if there is to be yet another typical heartbroken OW story to tell.   

Two weeks isn't long, guess you'll have your answer then. (Well, part 1 of your answer.)

If he moves out, part 2 will be staying out and I suppose eventually moving in with you and part 3 will be actually staying with you LT. Those are 3 different things.

All the regulars here know it sometimes works out for OWs as we have some who post occasionally, but it's rare. Probably quite rare. We also have some where the MM moves out but then moves back again, and in fact one recent poster like that who might chime in on your thread. Also sometimes they move out but then date around/play the field for a while.

IF this really starts to pan out, the kids' sentiments will become an issue. If they see you as someone who "broke up their family" and caused their Mom trauma, that will likely be a perennial issue. If the Mom was really awful (unlikely, but possible) they might be understanding of Dad moving on, but again the thought that you triggered or abetted this may be problematic. The same of course goes for your kids viz your husband.

It's quite likely their perceptions/feelings towards your open relationship (IF that happens) and how it got started will have an ongoing impact, so that's something to be quite cautious of. Revealing that the relationship started while you were both married may trigger some serious negative reactions, but not revealing and having them eventually find out (extremely likely in my opinion) will feel like a betrayal of sorts to them as well I suspect. So, no easy path there. IF it comes to it, my guess is you'd want to think really carefully about when and how to explain what happened to them. 

[Luna66star]

Elaine, you couldn't have said it better. 

For MM affairs are a distraction, fun.  They aren't looking for love or a wife. Inevitably, the woman involved starts fantasizing that this is some special relationship.  Sure they are friends and colleagues but its pretty common for co-workers to talk and become familiar with each other. 

This man is no where near being emotionally available for a committed relationship.  After ending long term marriage, men want to play the field, enjoy their freedom.   Not lock themselves down into another commitment right away.

This MM spends alot of time in the marital home.  He doesnt even describe many problems with the wife other than boredom.  Sounds like they are at least good friends.

It's a losing battle here.   MM sounds like he doesn't know what to do or what he wants. 

You can count on his waffling to continue ad nauseam.

 

 

 

 

 

[Kiki55]

Update: he's very adamant that 5th June is when everything is going to be finalised. Everything seems so promising but I do have this niggle still, it will always be there I guess. Time will tell.  

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

Everything seems so promising but I do have this niggle still, it will always be there I guess. 

The niggle is likely to stay even if he does leave - he could always decide to return home to his family. It happens on the board all time time - there is a woman who bought a home with a man, lived with him for a year - and he still decided to move home with his family. 

And, you have the knowledge that he has already done this - to his wife. Nothing stopping him from deciding one day it’s not what he wants, and doing the same to you...

It’s hard to trust a man who has proven himself to be a very effective liar, someone who has cheated on a woman to whom he has made promises...

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

Update: he's very adamant that 5th June is when everything is going to be finalised. Everything seems so promising but I do have this niggle still, it will always be there I guess. Time will tell.  

Does his wife even know that he's leaving or he just going to spring this on her out of the blue?  

[Allupinnit]

I missed that he goes to your home every single day for work.  Does his wife know?  I would be extremely uncomfortable with my husband going over to a separated woman's house every day to work 9-5.  Why can't he work from his own home?

[Kiki55]

53 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Does his wife even know that he's leaving or he just going to spring this on her out of the blue?  

All of this is only what he has told me, jw said she knows he is leaving, they have been separated for 6 weeks or more now. Sleeping separately, we speak from morning until evening when he is not with me.  He shares no concern of this deadline date and he shows me pure love and affection. She is 10 years older than him and has time has gone on, they have just grown apart. All I say is what I think but I am not stupid. I am not 100% believing him, until further actions prove otherwise. To our colleagues, he has separated from her and we portray as a couple to them all now. Time will tell but this deadline will be the making or breaking, I needed this because this is killing me, as well as the unfairness on her, if this is all a ploy.  

[Kiki55]

55 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I missed that he goes to your home every single day for work.  Does his wife know?  I would be extremely uncomfortable with my husband going over to a separated woman's house every day to work 9-5.  Why can't he work from his own home

She does not know. My understanding is that they have split several weeks ago. He tells me he only stayed in the marriage for her sake and he never truly felt the connection with her. He said he does not want her to know he has fallen in love woth somebody else, particularly somebody his age (She is 10 years older) as this will break her heart beyond repair and he never intended to hurt her, none of us intended for this to happen and as much as people can say "oh you could of stopped yourself" we really couldn't. It was beyond our control, we (Or at least I and he depicts) feel the true love. We are the same person and the connection we have is unbearable when we are apart. We both married our spouses when we was 18 and still learning about love and life. He thinks he will be able to bring me on the scene in a few months, I personally think that truth will always come out and would take the responsibility of this but he worries about his finances and the lasting damage his children will face knowing I am the one that, in their eyes essentially caused the breakdown of their parents marriage. 

[Starswillshine]

Sorry...  but yes, you could have controlled yourself. No, this is not some true love story. Soulmates arent someone else's spouse. 

[Kiki55]

On 5/20/2020 at 7:20 PM, BaileyB said:

If there is one common thread for the few that actually do leave and have a relationship, they are decisive. They don’t do the push-pull, always moving the goal post thing - I’m leaving but after the pandemic, after my child’s birthday, after the summer... 

To be fair to him, he has never said something and then gone back on it. Hes never let me down yet (and I am aware that this could very well be the time he does) This is the first time I have asked him to give me a timeframe and he has agreed to what we have said. Time will tell I guess 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Sorry...  but yes, you could have controlled yourself. No, this is not some true love story. Soulmates arent someone else's spouse. 

I disagree. And until you are in a situation like this, you will never know. I can already guess your reply to this of which will be " but I would never get myself in that situation" this is something I also would of said not too long ago. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Kiki55
Typo

[Starswillshine]

11 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I disagree. And until you are in a situation like this, you will never know. I can already guess your reply to this of which will be " but I would never get myself in that situation" this is something I also would of said not too long ago. 

It is true. I would never get myself in that situation. Because I have boundaries. I know how to conduct myself. I know how to not foster feelings. I know all about being around someone who I find attractive and have a lot in common with... and I know exactly how to prevent these things from happening. SO yes, for sure, I would never be in that situation. 

[BaileyB]

With respect, you don’t control your feelings. You most definitely however have complete control over your decisions.

He had the opportunity to be respectful to his wife and children, to end his marriage before starting another relationship. There was nothing stopping him from doing that, he chose not to do that. Rather, he is living with his family at home and presenting as a “couple” to coworkers... He is planning to keep you hidden for several months so as not to upset his wife. 

I would even go so far as to say that he had the opportunity to be respectful to you, to end his marriage before beginning a relationship with you. He had the opportunity to be respectful to you by allowing you the opportunity to be received by the world as a legitimate partner - such that he doesn’t have to keep you hidden from his family and friends - he could proudly introduce you to his children and they could give their blessing to your relationship. He chose not to do that. Rather, the two of you are carrying on like teenagers - disregarding professional boundaries, in much the same way that you’ve disregarded person boundaries, by presenting yourselves as a couple to coworkers and spouting total nonsense  about “true love” and “being the same person” and how you have absolutely no control here... 

That’s the sad thing here, if his marriage has really run its course and you are truly fated in the stars... you could have had everything you wanted, without all the drama and negative consequences.
 

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

I agree you cannot control that feeling of initial attraction. You absolutely CAN control acting on it. EVERYTHING after that was a choice, you left your husband, there are thousands of unmarried men you still chose to get involved with this married man with a family. In your own time line it was only 2 weeks so don't give me that nonsense you were already so involved by that time it simply won't wash. You chose this, so did he of course but I'm talking about taking responsibility for your own choices and yes it was a choice.

You're not soulmates, God will never show you the way to someone else's spouse. You're not entitled to happiness by walking over someone else to get there.

BTW, how extremely cruel are the pair of you? To be an open couple in front of your workmates (because you couldn't take anything else) but you continue to lie to your spouses who you both cheat on, yes both, albeit you for a short period. Your MM has to know it's going to get back to her in the cruelest way possible.

Finally, yes MM leave of course they do. What they tend not to do is stay with the OW they leave with. Check the statistics.

[Kiki55]

15 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

It is true. I would never get myself in that situation. Because I have boundaries. I know how to conduct myself. I know how to not foster feelings. I know all about being around someone who I find attractive and have a lot in common with... and I know exactly how to prevent these things from happening. SO yes, for sure, I would never be in that situation. 

OK, good for you. I hope you never do end up in this situation. I am paying the price for my actions and I am now trying to do the right thing by ensuring that it comes to an end one way or another.

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I agree you cannot control that feeling of initial attraction. You absolutely CAN control acting on it. EVERYTHING after that was a choice, you left your husband, there are thousands of unmarried men you still chose to get involved with this married man with a family. In your own time line it was only 2 weeks so don't give me that nonsense you were already so involved by that time it simply won't wash. You chose this, so did he of course but I'm talking about taking responsibility for your own choices and yes it was a choice.

You're not soulmates, God will never show you the way to someone else's spouse. You're not entitled to happiness by walking over someone else to get there.

BTW, how extremely cruel are the pair of you? To be an open couple in front of your workmates (because you couldn't take anything else) but you continue to lie to your spouses who you both cheat on, yes both, albeit you for a short period. Your MM has to know it's going to get back to her in the cruelest way possible.

Finally, yes MM leave of course they do. What they tend not to do is stay with the OW they leave with. Check the statistics.

All facts. Hard to hear but true. I haven't been thinking straight and I'm in too deep. I don't want to walk away from him without knowing what could of been. I do feel like a stupid teenager, we both do feel bad, we didn't mean to hurt anybody but we'll aware we have, including eachother. We stayed in our marriages for the sake of our spouses and their feelings and not for true love, admittedly, this is totally wrong as this preventd them from also finding true love, I guess the word 'coward' springs to mind (again my true words, his words he claims) nobody is perfect and in an ideal world we would be madly in love with our spouses and be living 'happily ever after' but we arent. 

[Starswillshine]

My current BF I knew prior to us dating.  I was married. I saw him nearly daily. We traveled together without SO. I found him attractive and extremely appealing. I recognized that, and I made sure to keep a distance from him. When everyone was getting together to hang out, I was keenly aware of where he was, but I also made sure to stay far away. Because I was married, and I didn't want to ruin my family. I kept those boundaries strong. I never fostered those feelings because I predicted the consequences. 

Once I found out about my husband's affairs, I divorced him. When I was divorced, and my current SO became single, we easily fell in love. So, I could have been there in your position, but I knew better and I made the choice to not pursue the crush I was having. If there is a such thing as soul mates, I would say my SO is as close as it can be... and given how we both held a deep attraction for each other, but respected our relationships with our SO at the time.... we can actually trust each other. Had either of us crossed a line, that would leave lots of questions on whether that person was trust worthy. 

People who turn affairs into positive relationships are those who take responsibility for their actions and how they got there. Things don't just happen and there really is a choice that can be helped. 

[Amethyst68]

Another option for you is that is wife knows and his wife has given given him a deadline for getting out.

A lot of MM only leave when they're given no option by their spouse, he won't want you to know because obviously he'll think you won't want him if you think you're his plan b.

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

My current BF I knew prior to us dating.  I was married. I saw him nearly daily. We traveled together without SO. I found him attractive and extremely appealing. I recognized that, and I made sure to keep a distance from him. When everyone was getting together to hang out, I was keenly aware of where he was, but I also made sure to stay far away. Because I was married, and I didn't want to ruin my family. I kept those boundaries strong. I never fostered those feelings because I predicted the consequences. 

Once I found out about my husband's affairs, I divorced him. When I was divorced, and my current SO became single, we easily fell in love. So, I could have been there in your position, but I knew better and I made the choice to not pursue the crush I was having. If there is a such thing as soul mates, I would say my SO is as close as it can be... and given how we both held a deep attraction for each other, but respected our relationships with our SO at the time.... we can actually trust each other. Had either of us crossed a line, that would leave lots of questions on whether that person was trust worthy. 

People who turn affairs into positive relationships are those who take responsibility for their actions and how they got there. Things don't just happen and there really is a choice that can be helped. 

Thank you for your story. I am not here to be beat down, believe me, I have and continue to do it to myself every moment of the day. I guess my weak will (and his) has got us into this situation. We hadn't had happy childhoods ourselves. Our parents were horrendous and lacked any stability. I do own my actions. I should of refrained, but in my eyes, I couldn't and I didn't. Now I'm here in deep s*** I guess this is my punishment for the upset caused to his wife. FYI My husband wasn't at all bothered by our split. We did not even argue anymore, we didn't talk at all. It was inevitable a long time ago that we was over we just didn't admit it. He has already moved on (I think we moved in in our minds years ago) 

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Another option for you is that is wife knows and his wife has given given him a deadline for getting out.

A lot of MM only leave when they're given no option by their spouse, he won't want you to know because obviously he'll think you won't want him if you think you're his plan b.

This is possible, unlikely but possible I guess. The unknown and uncertainty I am faced with is poetic justice for my actions. It was never going to be plain sailing, I know that. Either way this is going to be a long bumpy road, either with or without him. But if I know he has taken this leap for me, I will stand beside him. If he does not take this leap, I will walk away and take a good long look at myself. All I ever wanted was to find true love.

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

in an ideal world we would be madly in love with our spouses and be living 'happily ever after' but we arent. 

An important thing to understand going forward is that the grass is greenest where you water it. You and your husband let your lawn die a long time ago. Whether you have a relationship with MM or someone else going forward, you need to nurture and protect it. If you take your line of thinking into your next relationship, you're giving your partner a free pass to go behind your back, try on someone else for size, and dump you because "they're the same person" and "they couldn't help it." The truth is that there are many people you are compatible with; the trick is to make a good match and then keep investing in that relationship. 

I can't tell you how many times I've read about an affair between two married partners where the woman immediately leaves her marriage and the man doesn't. For a variety of reasons, women are more likely to have an "exit affair" than men. Maybe it's because women already do most of the childrearing and housework, so being without their husband isn't as intimidating. Most women aren't looking ahead to supporting two households in the same way that a man may view it. Some of it may be biological urges -- for women to secure the best mate, and for men to procreate as much as possible. Every situation is unique and there are many exceptions to the rule, but if you start looking for these stories you will see that they come up all the time. What happens next is the MM going back and forth trying to decide, pushing you away and pulling you close, making promises and then breaking them, etc. It can drag on for years. Understand that every day that passes without him being decisive and actually leaving, the smaller the chance that he will ever do it for good becomes. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by heartwhole2

[d0nnivain]

I give you credit for ending your marriage when this started. 

However, as much as you want to believe, the fact that his wife doesn't know tells me you are going to be one sad lady on June 6.  If he's not out of the house with her fully aware that you exist by then you have to accept that he's been stringing you along all the this time.