Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/19/2020 at 6:42 PM, heartwhole2 said:

You should have clear expectations and firm boundaries. 

This is the answer to all your problems, OP. Hope you become expert at it.

[Crazelnut]

You have GOT to be kidding. You couldn't stop yourselves? You're soulmates who finally found each other, blah blah.  Girl, 80% of the people on this forum are current or former cheaters, myself included. Every one of us knows that we had the power to resist or stop, but chose not to.

Your affair story is not unique. You're not star crossed lovers; you are just two garden variety cheaters who are in the limerance phase. You need to own what you did/are doing and why.

Read the threads here. Page after page of unhappiness and wasted months and years, all lessons learned the hard way. 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

An important thing to understand going forward is that the grass is greenest where you water it. You and your husband let your lawn die a long time ago. Whether you have a relationship with MM or someone else going forward, you need to nurture and protect it. If you take your line of thinking into your next relationship, you're giving your partner a free pass to go behind your back, try on someone else for size, and dump you because "they're the same person" and "they couldn't help it." The truth is that there are many people you are compatible with; the trick is to make a good match and then keep investing in that relationship. 

I can't tell you how many times I've read about an affair between two married partners where the woman immediately leaves her marriage and the man doesn't. For a variety of reasons, women are more likely to have an "exit affair" than men. Maybe it's because women already do most of the childrearing and housework, so being without their husband isn't as intimidating. Most women aren't looking ahead to supporting two households in the same way that a man may view it. Some of it may be biological urges -- for women to secure the best mate, and for men to procreate as much as possible. Every situation is unique and there are many exceptions to the rule, but if you start looking for these stories you will see that they come up all the time. What happens next is the MM going back and forth trying to decide, pushing you and pulling you close, making promises and then breaking them, etc. It can drag on for years. Understand that every day that passes without him being decisive and actually leaving, the smaller the chance that he will ever do it for good becomes. 

I am not making excuse for my failed marriage. But I was 18 amd scared with a baby on the way, I am not that same person anymore. My MM never had a mother figure and so found that in his wife (10 years senior) when he was 17. I feel we have lived the same life and had we had met before our spouses, I believe we would be truly happily married. I know I could have my rose tinted glasses on and be seeing the love fog. But I do hope I am right. I have to take each day as it comes up to the deadline. He has taken his son away this weekend because the atmosphere in the home isn't good (obviously) he says I need to have faith and trust him so 2 weeks today he has his deadline. I know it's irrational, I know it's possibly unachievable but it's the only way I can see his intentions are clear. He travels 100 miles every day to see me. Spends 10 hours with me. We basically live like we are together and it feels so natural and real. 

[Kiki55]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I give you credit for ending your marriage when this started. 

However, as much as you want to believe, the fact that his wife doesn't know tells me you are going to be one sad lady on June 6.  If he's not out of the house with her fully aware that you exist by then you have to accept that he's been stringing you along all the this time.  

Can I ask, why you think he has to tell her about me? I get the whole deceit side and I personally would prefer this. But he said it will shatter her if she knows it's more than just wanting to end the marriage. 

[Crazelnut]

He won't tell her because he's a coward. He wants the easy way out -- lying some more is easier than facing her and the truth. 

[Kiki55]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

You have GOT to be kidding. You couldn't stop yourselves? You're soulmates who finally found each other, blah blah.  Girl, 80% of the people on this forum are current or former cheaters, myself included. Every one of us knows that we had the power to resist or stop, but chose not to.

Your affair story is not unique. You're not star crossed lovers; you are just two garden variety cheaters who are in the limerance phase. You need to own what you did/are doing and why.

Read the threads here. Page after page of unhappiness and wasted months and years, all lessons learned the hard way. 

Perhaps my quote of not being able to stop ourselves is some form of romantic novel material and so yes I do accept thst I could of chose to walk away, but I didn't want to, I was attracted and now here I am. I don't know what to do from here other than to play out the deadline. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

He won't tell her because he's a coward. He wants the easy way out -- lying some more is easier than facing her and the truth. 

It also keeps his options open. 

Agree with what was said above, those who transition from affair to legitimate relationship tend to be decisive and take responsibility for their actions. Keeping you hidden, protecting his wife by denying your existence, does nothing more than protect his sorry behind. Where do his loyalties lay - with his wife, with himself? 

Give the woman some credit. Her marriage is potentially ending, at the very least she deserves the truth from her husband. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[Kiki55]

9 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This is the answer to all your problems, OP. Hope you become expert at it.

We have already discussed this. We will discuss it again when (if) he leaves the home. But as it stands, I am not entertaining any other man (wouldn't want to, not interested) and he has said the same. He (tells me) he has not slept with her or in their bed in over 3 months) I know this is all clichè comments from a MM, I'm well aware of that and it's all I have to go off right now. 

[Kiki55]

6 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

He won't tell her because he's a coward. He wants the easy way out -- lying some more is easier than facing her 

I agree with that to an extent. I know that he thinks he has everything under control and his plan, in his head of how this is all going to work out sounds great, but we all know truth comes out and this concerns me for him and his family. He wants to avoid deeper heartache and also try and ensure that our children (2 each of teen and nearly teen age) don't get hurt. His children already know they have split. They seem to be OK about it (He tells me) 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

He has taken his son away this weekend because the atmosphere in the home isn't good (obviously). 

He travels 100 miles every day to see me. Spends 10 hours with me. We basically live together. 

How is it that he is so concerned with his son’s well being that he takes him away for the weekend because the atmosphere In the home is not good...

But - he spends 10 hours a day with you and I’m assuming about an hour and a half driving... Does  he see his son during the week? What is the atmosphere like in the home during the week? How concerned is he about the atmosphere in the home during the week if he’s practically living with you? And, If the atmosphere in the home is truly so bad that he has to leave on the weekend, what is keeping him there until June 5th?

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[heartwhole2]

2 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

We have already discussed this. We will discuss it again when (if) he leaves the home. But as it stands, I am not entertaining any other man (wouldn't want to, not interested) and he has said the same. He (tells me) he has not slept with her or in their bed in over 3 months) I know this is all clichè comments from a MM, I'm well aware of that and it's all I have to go off right now. 

He didn't stop sleeping with his wife until after your affair started? That makes me think that his marriage wasn't as dead in the water as yours, and may be more salvageable. I worry that he's "trying you on for size" before he fully commits to divorcing his wife. Once she knows about the affair, there may be no going back. He can claim it's to protect her, but it's entirely possible he just wants to be absolutely sure about you before he throws away a marriage that might be saved.

[Kiki55]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It also keeps his options open. 

Agree with what was said above, those who transition from affair to legitimate relationship tend to be decisive and take responsibility for their actions. Keeping you hidden, protecting his wife by denying your existence, does nothing more than protect his sorry behind. Where do his loyalties lay - with his wife, with himself? 

Give the woman some credit. Her marriage is potentially ending, at the very least she deserves the truth from her husband. 

I do agree. But this is how he wants to play it. His intentions are not bad (yes, yes, I know he has done wrong as have I in terms of our relationship) but he isn't doing this to spite her, he thinks he is protecting her. I agree he should tell the truth but this is not for me to say how he ends this. He did not get involved in my marriage decisions 

[Kiki55]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How is it that he is so concerned with his son’s well being that he takes him away for the weekend because the atmosphere In the home is not good...

But - he spends 10 hours a day with you and I’m assuming about an hour and a half driving... Does  he see his son during the week? What is the atmosphere like in the home during the week? How concerned is he about the atmosphere in the home during the week if he’s practically living with you? And, If the atmosphere in the home is truly so bad that he has to leave on the weekend, what is keeping him there until June 5th?

He sees his children in the evening as he is at work with me... I know it all sounds so awful, I am well aware of that. It is a possibility that his son may want to live with him when he moves out so he has to take that into consideration. He has a daughter but she is all for her mum and their son is more for his Dad. 

[Allupinnit]

He is delusional if he thinks breaking up his family and having you around by Christmas is going to be smooth sailing if he just plays his cards right.  Oh, I feel for what this family is about to endure in the next few months when this all comes to a head - those poor kids.  First the uncertainty of the world around you, not knowing when they're going back to school, missing friends then your dad ups moves out, leaving their mother in a puddle of tears on the floor with a broken heart.

You know you don't have to pursue every primal feeling that comes your way, don't you?  It's what separates us from animals. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Allupinnit

[Kiki55]

13 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

He didn't stop sleeping with his wife until after your affair started? That makes me think that his marriage wasn't as dead in the water as yours, and may be more salvageable. I worry that he's "trying you on for size" before he fully commits to divorcing his wife. Once she knows about the affair, there may be no going back. He can claim it's to protect her, but it's entirely possible he just wants to be absolutely sure about you before he throws away a marriage that might be saved.

I'm not sure on the sexual side of things. I just know for a fact ( loose fact from his mouth) that he has not been sleeping in the same bed as her for this period of time. I admit that when we started this, we wasn't expecting to fall in love. We discussed lightheartedly how we longed to be free again, it was a running joke for some time well before anything happened. I never gave him an ultimatum until the other day. For some time we had our affair and I never asked for more, I wasn't pushing him to make decisions about us, he could of carried on for some time but chose to tell me he had fallen in love with me, chose to split with his wife. I never asked any of this of him. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Kiki55

[Kiki55]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

He is delusional if he thinks breaking up his family and having you around by Christmas is going to be smooth sailing if he just plays his cards right.  Oh, I feel for what this family is about to endure in the next few months when this all comes to a head - those poor kids.  First the uncertainty of the world around you, not knowing when they're going back to school, missing friends then your dad ups moves out, leaving their mother in a puddle of tears on the floor with a broken heart.

You know you don't have to pursue every primal feeling that comes your way, don't you?  It's what separates us from animals. 

I know, and part of me wishes I had never ever done this. But I have, I don't think I could pull back now and move on with my life. I feel terrible, I really do. But I love him. And if he leaves me 5th June then I will have no option but to move on and at least in that instance, if he can do that to me and his wife, all the lies and bull crap, I will know I've had a lucky escape, but maybe, just maybe, this is truth, I know it doesn't happen  often, but it does and I hope we are part of thst minority  

[heartwhole2]

We can all speculate but really the proof will be in the pudding. Will he move out in a week or two? 

With all of your work knowing and him traveling so far, unnecessarily it seems (I assume work thinks he's working from his home but his wife thinks he's going into the office?), there are a lot of ways for his wife to find out about it. I'm surprised he's willing to take those risks. I suspect he's been deceitful about other things with his wife in the past if he is so comfortable with this right now, and I suspect he is that way in other relationships as well. Some people do not lie with ease; some people do. 

I also feel a little sad thinking about his kids. He could be working from home right now, helping them through an unprecedented time, taking advantage of all this time together, and instead he's spending 11 hours away from the home each day and basically just ignoring/escaping the hard stuff in his life and letting his wife deal with it 100%. If they were truly separated in different households he'd probably be seeing the kids more than he is now because he would have certain days with them.

[Kiki55]

7 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

We can all speculate but really the proof will be in the pudding. Will he move out in a week or two? 

With all of your work knowing and him traveling so far, unnecessarily it seems (I assume work thinks he's working from his home but his wife thinks he's going into the office?), there are a lot of ways for his wife to find out about it. I'm surprised he's willing to take those risks. I suspect he's been deceitful about other things with his wife in the past if he is so comfortable with this right now, and I suspect he is that way in other relationships as well. Some people do not lie with ease; some people do. 

I also feel a little sad thinking about his kids. He could be working from home right now, helping them through an unprecedented time, taking advantage of all this time together, and instead he's spending 11 hours away from the home each day and basically just ignoring/escaping the hard stuff in his life and letting his wife deal with it 100%. If they were truly separated in different households he'd probably be seeing the kids more than he is now because he would have certain days with them.

This is a point he makes often, he wants to spend quality time with them. He says (again truth or not time will tell as such) that when he comes from work (my home and before the pandemic) his children would come downstairs to see him and she would tell them to go upstairs. If this is true, this is slightly bizarre behaviour. Since they have split they are just living in the house and bot spending timesitting together etc. And he said he has spent some great time woth his children since then, watching TV playing games, he says he can't wait to do these things with them properly once he has his place. We know we will see less of eachother after this pandemic and that's fine. We don't want to rush into living together. He wants quality time with his children and I want the same with mine, eventually we can all spend the quality tome together should things work out well. It's a pipe dream at the moment but it's certainly possible if he means what he says.

Our work know he is working from mine, they know he has split and we are together. He lives 100 miles away so there is a very slim chance she will find out this way. But he has certainly gone far enough public with us to show he is serious about me. Again though time will tell. It's all risky especially working together. It could get very messy. But this will be my comeuppance for my actions if it all goes wrong. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Kiki55

[heartwhole2]

The thing about affairs is that you have this secret person in your corner only hearing your side of things and viewing you as the hero in every story. He says she "never wanted to work" as though these aren't decisions made by both spouses. And he says that he never gets to see his children because his all-powerful wife physically keeps them apart when they are in the same home. Does that ring true for you? He says he has to take his son away from the toxic environment, instead of framing it like he hasn't spent any time with him and he would like the time together. He frames himself as a victim in every situation, and you feel sorry for him and urge him to break away from this "toxic" situation to find true happiness with you. But it's highly likely that his grievances are exaggerated, and they wouldn't be a big deal if he articulated them rather than letting molehills turn into mountains. Conflict-avoidant people blame their partners for their inability to resolve conflict, but a partner cannot address a conflict that is never brought into the light.

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I know, and part of me wishes I had never ever done this. But I have, I don't think I could pull back now and move on with my life. 

You could, actually. You could remove yourself from the situation, let him leave and settle into a new life with his children, and when the time is right, you can connect again. Ask me how I know this - because I have done just this. It wasn’t an affair, he had been separated for two years and was signing divorce papers when we met. But, he recognized that he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, he had a lot to settle in his life... So, I told him to look me up when he was ready... Not really, I actually told him that I was out. In no way was I going to allow myself to be used as his soft place to fall, and in no way was I going to hold his hand while he got his stuff together. He came back to me a year and a half later, and we have now been together for four years. 

It’s obviously more difficult because you work together and you have presented yourselves as a couple to your coworkers, but you could most certainly cool your relationship and he can do things the right way with his family. You most definitely can do this, you just don’t want to do it. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

This is a point he makes often, he wants to spend quality time with them. He says (again truth or not time will tell as such) that when he comes from work (my home and before the pandemic) his children would come downstairs to see him and she would tell them to go upstairs. He said he has spent some great time woth his children since then, he says he can't wait to do these things with them properly once he has his place.
 

He lives 100 miles away so there is a very slim chance she will find out this way. 

They have children, right? She will know about you as soon as they do. 

Doesn’t this seem a little much to believe? This woman, who keeps his children from him, is the same woman he is so concerned about hurting that he refuses to tell her about you. Does that make any sense to you? IF this is true, that is really despicable behavior. Those children are living in a very unhealthy situation. He shouldn’t be staying in the home, As it is an untenable living situation for everyone. And, he wouldn’t be concerned about hurting his wife by divorcing her/finding another relationship. 

Heartwhole is right, he can tell you almost anything right now and you will believe him. He plays upon your empathy, he knows you have no way to verify anything he tells you... Again, read the stories on this board and you will see this is very typical married man talk - there is no sex, we sleep in separate rooms, we were never really compatible/should never have married, she is cold and unaffectionate, she keeps the children from me, she refuses to work, she will keep me from my children... 

Ask any betrayed spouse, the things he tells the other woman are very rarely true...

Edited May 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

His children already know they have split. They seem to be OK about it (He tells me) 

If this is true, yes they may well be okay with their parents splitting up now as the atmosphere at home may well be difficult and toxic. However as soon as they find out about you and they see their mother in a broken heap on the floor things will soon change. They will no longer be OK with it !!

I know this from experience, my xMM did exactly the same. He didn't hesitate in leaving his family and his kids are a lot older that your MM's kids. They were all happy about the split when he told them about it before he left. However as soon as they found out about me and their mother had a mini break down they turned against him and 2 of the 3 didn't speak to him for over a year. We were together for a year and had our whole future planned out but he couldn't cope with the loss of his children and because he hadn't dealt with the loss of his family he went back. They same fate could befall you if this is not handled correctly. I agree with Bailey on this one. Leave him alone, let him end his marriage, get his own place once the divorce is finalised and then come and find you. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Kiki55 said:

And if he leaves me 5th June then I will have no option but to move on a

I really hope you will be able to, you may be in love with him but you barely know him, you haven't fallen so deeply yet so it will be hard if you have to move on but nowhere near as hard if you end up planning a future with him and after a year together he leaves and goes back. Then you will be the broken one and it will take you forever to get over. 

Has he found somewhere to rent? Is he making plans? looking at places? what about furniture? If he is adamant that he is going to leave on June 5th make sure he has a plan.

Do not let him change the goal posts, if he does you must hold your ground and follow through with what you promised. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I really hope you will be able to, you may be in love with him but you barely know him, you haven't fallen so deeply yet

Oh, but she works with him. He spends every day working 10 hours in her home. That’s going to be really hard, if he doesn’t move out and she is not able to be together as she wants...

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Again, read the stories on this board and you will see this is very typical married man talk - there is no sex, we sleep in separate rooms, we were never really compatible/should never have married, she is cold and unaffectionate, she keeps the children from me, she refuses to work, she will keep me from my children... 

I forgot my personal favourites, they only got married because SHE wanted to get married and they only had kids because she wanted kids/stopped taking her birth control and tricked him into having (sometimes two or three) kids. Men say it, and women believe it... as if they have no say or no control over whether they plan a wedding and get married or have (multiple) children with the woman.