Separated from wife but lockdown prevents him moving out

[pepperbird]

op,

if you were on the outside looking in, and it was your good friend going through what you are, what would you advise her to do?
Use that as your guide.

[Kiki55]

7 hours ago, Beca L said:

I really hope you will be able to, you may be in love with him but you barely know him, you haven't fallen so deeply yet so it will be hard if you have to move on but nowhere near as hard if you end up planning a future with him and after a year together he leaves and goes back. Then you will be the broken one and it will take you forever to get over. 

Has he found somewhere to rent? Is he making plans? looking at places? what about furniture? If he is adamant that he is going to leave on June 5th make sure he has a plan.

Do not let him change the goal posts, if he does you must hold your ground and follow through with what you promised. 

I know that what I'm about to say is typical of an OW but hear me out. I am 99% certain in my heart of hearts that he loves me and wants a future with me, the only doubt I have comes from him uprooting his life. If he uproots his life then I don't believe he will ever go back there. I weren't sure whether to bring up the conversation of him moving/help him look/ send links to properties etc or whether to leave him with the date we have discussed and for him to do this off his own back, without me 'pushing him' so to speak. I kind of feel like this is his decision to do of his own accord. 

[Kiki55]

5 hours ago, pepperbird said:

op,

if you were on the outside looking in, and it was your good friend going through what you are, what would you advise her to do?
Use that as your guide.

I have a couple of fabulous friends who have not brought any judgement to me at all. One is male, a mutual friend of me and the MM however I have known him longer and I believe he does have my best interests at heart when giving me advice on this. He believes my MM to be genuine, never seen him so happy and says he sees him watching me lovingly when I'm not aware. I then have a female friend who has never met him but has been a big part of this relationship from my point of view, she knows nearly all conversations with had and how our relationship has evolved. She believes him to be genuine and thinks he is just trying to do the right thing (finally) and yes, perhaps he should tell his wife the truth but his intentions behind not doing so good. 

However, both of these friends of mine agree that this has to have an end date. They think 2 weeks is a little short but in my head, this end date was set along time ago for me and I never discussed this with him, it was for my own sanity. When I told him the end date, if he had said, this is too soon, I can't find somewhere in that short space of time (which is my concern) then I would of said a bit longer, perhaps 4 weeks. 

[Kiki55]

8 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

The thing about affairs is that you have this secret person in your corner only hearing your side of things and viewing you as the hero in every story. He says she "never wanted to work" as though these aren't decisions made by both spouses. And he says that he never gets to see his children because his all-powerful wife physically keeps them apart when they are in the same home. Does that ring true for you? He says he has to take his son away from the toxic environment, instead of framing it like he hasn't spent any time with him and he would like the time together. He frames himself as a victim in every situation, and you feel sorry for him and urge him to break away from this "toxic" situation to find true happiness with you. But it's highly likely that his grievances are exaggerated, and they wouldn't be a big deal if he articulated them rather than letting molehills turn into mountains. Conflict-avoidant people blame their partners for their inability to resolve conflict, but a partner cannot address a conflict that is never brought into the light.

Let me just start by saying he has never ever put her down or put her in a bad light to me. The one or 2 things he has said has been part of our conversation and never an intent to discredit her. He says simply does not love her like a husband should and never really has. He's never felt this love until me. As I felt the same within my marriage I know it is possible. I also always think it's easier for a woman to leave a marriage than it is for a man. The woman doesn't leave her home, rarely leaves her kids. My husband moved out within 2 days of our split because I asked him to do it as soon as possible. He is now happy and getting on with his life but I imagine thst his life was turned upside down alot more than mine was. So I understand the delay so far in my MM departure.  

[elaine567]

What do your kids think about this MM situation?
Does your husband know about the MM?
Are the kids aware that the MM is why their father got "banished" from his home?
 

[Dora_M]

10 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

 My MM never had a mother figure and so found that in his wife (10 years senior) when he was 17. 

Be careful because these attachments are the hardest to break. It means that their relationship is more than husband and wife, it is a dynamic more like mother and son. Men involved in such relationships feel suffocated from one hand because they are being controlled and they try to escape,  but feel strongly attached on the other hand depending their lives on their spouses' decisions. And perhaps this indecision to tell her about you has to do with this attachment, he does not want to displease her since his well being depends on this mother figure.   

[Beca L]

8 minutes ago, Dora_M said:

Be careful because these attachments are the hardest to break. It means that their relationship is more than husband and wife, it is a dynamic more like mother and son

I agree completely. My xMM met his BS a year or so after his own parents went through a very acrimonious divorce and his mum left him with his dad and moved 5 hours away with his younger brother. He was in a bad place, he got expelled from school and moved to a town where she lived. She became a surrogate mum to him. She asked him to marry her, she asked him to change his name to hers (double barrelled ) they have been together for 36 years! 
It sounds like your MM and his w have a similar attachment. I doubt he will be able to walk away from that so easily. Please listen to this advice. I think you are living in cloud cuckoo land atm and the rose tinted spectacles are firmly in place. 

[Beca L]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I forgot my personal favourites, they only got married because SHE wanted to get married

BaileyB this touched a nerve with me because xMM said this to me and how naive was I to believe this crap. He even said that after a year of marriage to BS he told his mum he thought he’d made a mistake but he did nothing. 32 years later they are still together. It’s a massive red flag to me now. Whether it was true or not it tells me far more about the type of person he is and wish I had known that MM do this all the time. I feel like a right idiot. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

If he uproots his life then I don't believe he will ever go back there.

Unless he gets divorced and lives on his own for a while, deals with the fall out from his separation and divorce, looks after his kids emotional needs and supports his wife through this terrible time then this is never a guarantee. If however he runs away with you for a while, lives in fantasy land, never commits to a property long term (rent or buy) maybe moves in with you. Delays divorce, forgets about his W and kids emotional needs etc the likelihood that he will return to her is very high, very high indeed !!! 

[Kiki55]

32 minutes ago, Dora_M said:

Be careful because these attachments are the hardest to break. It means that their relationship is more than husband and wife, it is a dynamic more like mother and son. Men involved in such relationships feel suffocated from one hand because they are being controlled and they try to escape,  but feel strongly attached on the other hand depending their lives on their spouses' decisions. And perhaps this indecision to tell her about you has to do with this attachment, he does not want to displease her since his well being depends on this mother figure.   

At the time it was the seeking of a mother figure however as the years have passed, it has not been like that. She depends on him financially and he is certainly the man of the house so to speak. They have already agreed that she will keep the house and he will give her a very good lump sum of money every month. Again this is all what he has said to me, I'm not living in a complete dreamland where I believe everything he tells me. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Beca L said:

He even said that after a year of marriage to BS he told his mum he thought he’d made a mistake but he did nothing. 32 years later they are still together.

Truth is most people have a little story about "making a mistake", being railroaded into" or "I should have walked away at the church"... etc.
They are just things people say, they have little meaning. They still got married and created a family and stayed together often for decades..
BUT during the heat of the affair these little stories take on huge significance and "prove" that the marriage was never good, he never loved her and that feels good to the OW.
She feels that she is not breaking anything up, it was never a real love story,  and she feels comforted that the love "they" share is more serious and real. 

.

[Kiki55]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What do your kids think about this MM situation?
Does your husband know about the MM?
Are the kids aware that the MM is why their father got "banished" from his home?
 

I perhaps should never have brought my kids into this but initially they was introduced as a work colleague, we did have to work on something together at the start and this is why we worked from my home... they believe that this has brought us closer (not a lie to be honest) and are very aware now that we are together so to speak. My MM is very involved with them and makes a big effort to get to know them (something I dont believe he would do if he wasn't serious about me) he brings them treats and gifts, jokes and plays with my son alot and will send me things, links to products etc that he thinks they will like. He has taken them to school/picks them up from school (key worker status, we don't always work from my home, we do have to go into our lab at work frequently, we work in the electrical sector) my estranged husband also believes the same circumstances of working together and we have fallen for eachother. Overall they just don't know thst the feelings started sooner than this. But we never acted on it, except for 1 drunken kiss (which is where it all began) 

[Dora_M]

15 minutes ago, Beca L said:

 I feel like a right idiot. 

I feel the exact same way. It is the aftermath of the affair, after you exit you evaluate situation and see it for what it truly was. And then you feel completely idiot for having been involved in such situation.  

[Kiki55]

11 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Unless he gets divorced and lives on his own for a while, deals with the fall out from his separation and divorce, looks after his kids emotional needs and supports his wife through this terrible time then this is never a guarantee. If however he runs away with you for a while, lives in fantasy land, never commits to a property long term (rent or buy) maybe moves in with you. Delays divorce, forgets about his W and kids emotional needs etc the likelihood that he will return to her is very high, very high indeed !!! 

I agree to that. But he has told me that she has said she will not have him back now, I know this is something we could all say. He said he has seen she has now been messaging other men old flames etc , he is happy she is doing so and it doesn't bother him at all. 

[Kiki55]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Truth is most people have a little story about "making a mistake", being railroaded into" or "I should have walked away at the church"... etc.
They are just things people say, they have little meaning. They still got married and created a family and stayed together often for decades..
BUT during the heat of the affair these little stories take on huge significance and "prove" that the marriage was never good, he never loved her and that feels good to the OW.
She feels that she is not breaking anything up, it was never a real love story,  and she feels comforted that the love "they" share is more serious and real. 

.

I do agree... I feel so stupid to have got myself in this situation. The only way out for me now is to make this leap with him or without him because I am sure as hell not going to continue down this road as it is. I only share some understanding for his situation because I felt the same with my husband and if I can then it is possible that he can too. 

[Beca L]

18 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

he brings them treats and gifts, jokes and plays with my son alot and will send me things, links to products etc that he thinks they will like. He has taken them to school/picks them up from school

I think you have made a serious error here. I know because I did the same BUT I did this after xmm left his wife and moved into a rented house. Your MM is STILL married and living with his family. What happens when they start to get feelings for him and like having him around at then suddenly he’s gone. 
My daughter was 8 when I got together with xMM. They became very close at one point he was actually living in my house. He talked to her about us all living together, she came with us to view a property we were going to buy and live together as a family. She planned out her room etc. One year later he walked out of my house and back in with his wife. My daughter didn’t see him again for another 18 months (when she passed him in the school corridor) he literally disappeared. She was really upset and distraught about that. 
Please protect your kids. Unless he gets divorced and ends that relationship first,  do not let him spend time with your family. You should be keeping them separate. 

[Beca L]

32 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

But he has told me that she has said she will not have him back now,

Really !!! I doubt that. Once she finds out about you she will fight tooth and nail to get him back. 

 

33 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

she has now been messaging other men old flames etc , he is happy she is doing so and it doesn't bother him at all. 

Mine said exactly the same. However once she started dating this guy she’d been messaging. Lost 3 stone in weight and was no longer bothered about getting xMM back and looked like she was moving on. He didn’t like this. The thought of losing your family for good is all it takes for MM to wake up from this dream they are living in. 

[Kiki55]

40 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Really !!! I doubt that. Once she finds out about you she will fight tooth and nail to get him back. 

 

Mine said exactly the same. However once she started dating this guy she’d been messaging. Lost 3 stone in weight and was no longer bothered about getting xMM back and looked like she was moving on. He didn’t like this. The thought of losing your family for good is all it takes for MM to wake up from this dream they are living in. 

I do get that. But she's not in bad shape now or anything like that. They just lead very separate lives. He doesn't enjoy spending time with her and hasn't spent time with her for a long time.  

[Kiki55]

54 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think you have made a serious error here. I know because I did the same BUT I did this after xmm left his wife and moved into a rented house. Your MM is STILL married and living with his family. What happens when they start to get feelings for him and like having him around at then suddenly he’s gone. 
My daughter was 8 when I got together with xMM. They became very close at one point he was actually living in my house. He talked to her about us all living together, she came with us to view a property we were going to buy and live together as a family. She planned out her room etc. One year later he walked out of my house and back in with his wife. My daughter didn’t see him again for another 18 months (when she passed him in the school corridor) he literally disappeared. She was really upset and distraught about that. 
Please protect your kids. Unless he gets divorced and ends that relationship first,  do not let him spend time with your family. You should be keeping them separate. 

This does worry me. I guess now, I only have 2 weeks to wait for an outcome on this, I know he could leave me at any time. We have the same dreams, we both wanted to move abroad yet our spouses didn't. We are really excited for our future. Our kids are growing up and in time we will be able to do these things. This is the plan anyway, I'm under no illusion that this could all be lies but I have to trust him for now. 

[Beca L]

41 minutes ago, Kiki55 said:

I do get that. But she's not in bad shape now or anything like that. They just lead very separate lives. He doesn't enjoy spending time with her and hasn't spent time with her for a long time.  

ALL MM say exactly the same thing. 

[Amethyst68]

So he's travelling to spend time he doesn't need to with you when he could be working at home.

More importantly this man spends time with your children when he could be spending this once in a lifetime opportunity building bonds with his own children, especially the daughter he's not  close too.  Sounds like a real prize.

Edited May 22, 2020 by Amethyst68

[BaileyB]

And, hate to say it, you have allowed this man that you have been dating for a mere matter of months to do things that a “step parent“ would do (like pick your children up from school) and bond with your children... I think you have made a serious mistake here too. There are no boundaries, anywhere. Not at work. Not at home. Not with your children. Not in your marriage. Nowhere. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

We understand that you have very strong feelings for this man and after a matter of months you have fallen for him. Some of us here on LS have been exactly in your shoes so we do know how you feel and the situation you are going through. However you are making some fundamental errors of judgement at the moment. Why are you allowing this man to work in your home with your kids? I get the impression you are presenting as a couple to your children. Are you intimate in front of them? How old are they ? How do you think they feel about that ? I was single when my children had been introduced to my xmm. I had been divorced for 5 years. However your husband left literally weeks ago and now you are carrying on with someone else right in front of them. Don’t you see that is wrong? 
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from my experience is that if I ever meet someone again and start a relationship with them I will not introduce them to my kids for at least 6-12 months until I’m sure it is a relationship that is permanent. 
Your are both still married and he still lives with his wife !!!  

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Kiki55...

EVERY situation is different, and no one knows your MM, so keep that in mind.  The constant in these stories is the love/connection that we feel for these men, so everyone understands that piece for sure.  You are going to get a lot of cautionary tales on this board because it's whole purpose is for OW who are for the most part tangled up in this mess and no one wants to see you get hurt or make similar mistakes.    Think of it like this....you were interested in buying a Jeep, but it has horrible reviews for reliability.  If you ask 100 people that own one, even though the majority may say it is a piece of junk, there are going to be a couple that did not have those issues and love their Jeep.  

With that being said, I know you need to see if he follows through, otherwise you will never know. I did the same thing and while I'm still picking up the pieces of what happened, that doesn't necessarily mean that is what will happen to you.  We can throw all the warnings in the world at you, but you are going to handle this situation as you see best.   Protect your heart as best as you can and prepare yourself for the different outcomes  that come with all of this, including the fallout if he does leave.  

Wait to see what happens on June 5th.   We will be here to help you through it no matter what direction it goes in.    

[heartwhole2]

4 hours ago, Beca L said:

BaileyB this touched a nerve with me because xMM said this to me and how naive was I to believe this crap. He even said that after a year of marriage to BS he told his mum he thought he’d made a mistake but he did nothing. 32 years later they are still together. It’s a massive red flag to me now. Whether it was true or not it tells me far more about the type of person he is and wish I had known that MM do this all the time. I feel like a right idiot. 

I think most MM who say this do really believe it. They just can't see how they are choosing to be un-empowered. No one can make you get married without threats of physical violence. This is probably just a situation of an impatient girlfriend, or a girlfriend who is more mature and ready for "adult" things" than the MM, and he senses he will lose the relationship if he doesn't take the next step. Choosing between two things that aren't exactly, 100% how you would want them is not being forced to do something; it's just real life in grownup land.