Broken

[Paramour]

I have been in a relationship with a married man for about four months. I knew he was married, he also made it clear up front that he would not leave his wife.  They are sexually incompatible and he was looking for a sexual relationship.  I have been single for years and had trouble with men accepting that I didn’t want a commitment. So I decided that this may work for me. 
Completely out of nowhere I fell for him, hard, and fast. I hate the time restrictions, limited access etc. bc I want to be with him, completely.  I know that he isn’t going to leave his wife, but I cannot walk away. I absolutely adore him, he makes me happy and sad at the same time. I know that this isn’t going to go where I want it to, but I don’t want to be without him, even if it is far less than what I want. 
This morning he texted me to say he was on his way to the ED, chest pains etc. Of course, I panic and want to go to him but obviously, I cannot. Then he texted to tell me that he was going to have to have angioplasty, and stay a couple of days in the hospital, and would not be alone to call me, to get updates from a mutual friend. Next I hear from someone else that he was being rushed in for emergency bypass surgery.  I am losing my s***. I desperately want to see him, and to be getting first hand updates, but of course, as the mistress, I get none of that. I can’t stop worrying and am getting yet another huge dose of the reality of my situation. I have no place in his “real” life. I have no idea when I’ll hear from him or even see him again since recovery can be weeks. 
I am so stuck. Either way my heart is broken, if I go now or later, so I opt for later. But this, this is breaking me. 
Of course no one knows about the fact that he is married, so I quite literally have no one to talk with about this, or the events of today, and how insignificant I feel. 
I had to put it all somewhere, so here it is. 

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Paramour said:

I am so stuck. Either way my heart is broken, if I go now or later, so I opt for later. But this, this is breaking me. 

At the beginning of this, you thought you could control your emotions. You were wrong. I think it's a mistake to sink deeper into this hole. The deeper you get, the harder it will be when it ends. 

 

1 hour ago, Paramour said:

Completely out of nowhere I fell for him, hard, and fast. I hate the time restrictions, limited access etc. bc I want to be with him, completely.  I know that he isn’t going to leave his wife, but I cannot walk away. I absolutely adore him, he makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Do you think that this experience has shown you that you DO want a real, committed relationship? Or do you think that you're just addicted to the chase and the wanting? Either way, do you foresee good, healthy things coming into your life through continuing this?

[assertives]

2 hours ago, Paramour said:

Either way my heart is broken, if I go now or later, so I opt for later. But this, this is breaking me.

I do want to challenge this thinking. If you go now, you'll be heartbroken but at least you would have a chance to move on from this and heal. Someday down the line, you have the chance to meet someone you want to commit to and who can actually give you what you want in terms of a proper relationship.

On the other hand, if you postpone leaving to an unknown date, you'll be heartbroken for an unknown duration of time too, especially now that you've established that the arrangement you were initially fine with, is now not only no longer meeting your needs but is also painful to continue and slowly killing you on the inside. Perhaps this affair have shown you that you do want a commited relationship after all.

Edited May 20, 2020 by assertives

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Paramour...

I am so sorry this is happening.   Situations like this are one of the harshest realities of being in an affair for either partner (i.e. not being able to be there for each other in a meaningful way).  It is heartbreaking to not be there for the person you love or them for you.    I agree with @heartwhole2 that the longer you are in, the deeper the feelings will become and it makes it even more difficult to extricate yourself from it.  Many of us stayed longer, prolonging the inevitable because the feelings were so strong and that is very hard to walk away from   Once you are in love, there is pain in staying and there is pain in leaving....it is just a different kind of pain.   But I think the idea is that the former is pain that continues to grow (if you stay) and the pain from the latter (if you go), while excruciating, is temporary and is the only way to move forward with your life.   

You are going to have to manage the crisis from a distance unfortunately.  It may bring some clarity for either (or both) of you in terms of where to go from here.   Hang in there and let us know how he is doing.  I know you must be beside yourself worrying about him.  We will be here for you.   

Edited May 20, 2020 by notmyfinestmoment

[Paramour]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate you. 🥰

You are all correct and I agree, that staying in it is definitely not the smart decision. I know that my sadness and frustration aren’t going to lessen as time goes on. 
I had actually hoped that I would find him objectionable after awhile since I am very good at that, but I haven’t caught feelings for any other man in so long so it’s just something that happens fairly quickly normally.  Even if overall I am ready for a relationship, no one has remotely piqued my interest. It’s been ten years since my divorce and it hadn’t happened until him/now. Either way I’m in for a world of pain, this I know. I am acutely aware that this doesn’t end well for me.  I fight the sadness and disappointment daily. 
He said the other night that he hopes I don’t feel neglected, and asked if I did. I ignored the question because of course I do, it’s such a bizarre feeling of being in love & happy and feeling insignificant and unsatisfied at the same time. It torments me.  How do I resolve it? I know how, walk away now. Yet, I don’t want to. I believe that there will be a day when I will be ready to end it, at least I hope. 
Thank you again, everyone. I am grateful. 
@notmyfinestmoment Your concern and kindness are very comforting to me, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words. 
As of this morning I have not heard anything new. So I’ll sit with it, being helpless and worried and telling myself that this is what I’ve chosen, this is on me. I’m going to have to endure it.  
The situation and result are a glaring example of life as the other woman. I’m a cautionary tale. The truth is that I know better, but at least for today, I’m unwilling to change it....😔
 

[Difficultstuff]

Nothing much to add what the others have said, except to say I'm also sorry you find yourself in this situation, it sounds very tough.

I understand what it's to fall for someone unattainable after a very long time, and your heartbreak at not being with him, especially given his emergency surgery.

Hope you're managing to endure things today, and that the next few days will bring you some relief.

[Paramour]

5 hours ago, Difficultstuff said:

Nothing much to add what the others have said, except to say I'm also sorry you find yourself in this situation, it sounds very tough.

I understand what it's to fall for someone unattainable after a very long time, and your heartbreak at not being with him, especially given his emergency surgery.

Hope you're managing to endure things today, and that the next few days will bring you some relief.

Thank you @Difficultstuff

I appreciate your kind words.  He called me a few hours ago, he had three blockages, got five stints.  He was so near death, it is terrifying.  I am tremendously relieved, he’ll be released tomorrow. 

I know what’s ahead for me now, once he’s recovered, I’ll be processing the horrible couple of days that I had, and why will come to the forefront.  Once again I’ll be twisted and trying to figure out what I am going to do.  I don’t want to do it, but this trauma has forced it in my face, I cannot run from it now. 
Thank you again, all. Being able to “talk” it out here and have support and feedback has been so helpful to me. 

[Difficultstuff]

14 hours ago, Paramour said:

Thank you @Difficultstuff

I appreciate your kind words.  He called me a few hours ago, he had three blockages, got five stints.  He was so near death, it is terrifying.  I am tremendously relieved, he’ll be released tomorrow. 

I know what’s ahead for me now, once he’s recovered, I’ll be processing the horrible couple of days that I had, and why will come to the forefront.  Once again I’ll be twisted and trying to figure out what I am going to do.  I don’t want to do it, but this trauma has forced it in my face, I cannot run from it now. 
Thank you again, all. Being able to “talk” it out here and have support and feedback has been so helpful to me. 

Let us know how it goes - there's a lot of us here who've been in, if not the exact situation, at least situations with some similarities, and who've had to make difficult decisions in order to move forwards. All best.

[Paramour]

21 minutes ago, Difficultstuff said:

Let us know how it goes - there's a lot of us here who've been in, if not the exact situation, at least situations with some similarities, and who've had to make difficult decisions in order to move forwards. All best.

Thank you, again. So you made it out & through? How long were you with him? 
How did you get out? If you don’t mind sharing...

[Difficultstuff]

Just now, Paramour said:

Thank you, again. So you made it out & through? How long were you with him? 
How did you get out? If you don’t mind sharing...

Ah, I'm a guy..! You can look at my post from a couple of months ago. But it was basically an 18-month EA with someone much younger who was long-term engaged: me early forties and single, her late twenties.

It was the first time for a very long time I had felt so connected or understood by someone. It's the most I've ever felt wanted and desired. Things often just seemed right when I was with her. Could perhaps have turned physical, but I walked away when she said she wouldn't leave her fiance (and she had never said she would, though she did say she loved me - I think she wanted us both, really.) I still sometimes wish I hadn't left; for a long time I thought that if I'd slept with her it would have been different - but I don't really believe that now. Still, its taken a lot of time to come to terms with and understand the whole thing, though it does get easier day by day. One thing that's helped is thinking about how the experience fits in my life as a whole, how it's pointed to the idea that I do want to be in a relationship, but with someone able to match what I have to offer, not someone with divided loyalties.

I responded to your post because I identified with you saying that the feelings were kind of unexpected after so long, and because it seems to me that you're being very clear and honest with yourself about how difficult the situation is. Wish I could say it'll be easy if you either withdraw or stay around, but seems like you know it'll be tough either way.