Author TheTruth711 Posted May 20, 2020 Author Share Posted May 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, contel3 said: This is a bit concerning. You do know you're allowed to say no right? I can't imagine straight up penetration being fun….probably hurts too. It's also concerning he tells you he doesn't like "being ordered around in bed" when you voice your preferences. If its that bad there is no reason you have to put up with that. Exactly! I stopped having sex with him as much because when I think about it; 1. It’ll probably hurt 2. He won’t do oral which gets me going. Or if he does it will be for a short time and that will only remind me how much more into it he used to be. I feel he does it out of duty. 3. I won’t cum, and will be angry when it is all done. Self pleasure feels much better and comfortable for me. I realized if I found out about it earlier I would not have bothered with men much. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 (edited) Hi The Truth, I am really sorry for you being in this predicament. I do not know what country you live in but your husband certainly seems to be living in the 18th century. This is one of the reasons that religion has acquired such a bad name and why more and more people are disregarding it. Remember religion is man made. Whichever religion one looks at, although it's genesis may have sprung from a deep spiritual conviction, over time, human weakness and greed ended up soiling the spiritual fabric of the religion such that it ingested puritanical and fundamentalist tenets and practices. If sex was such a sin then the simple fact is that God would not have equipped us humans with our sex organs and neither would He have made the sex act such a pleasurable experience! I mean, think of it. If sex was only about reproduction and propagation of the species, the Almighty could as well have endowed us with the ability to procreate by kissing and tonguing our partners. Or maybe just shaking hands or some such things. The very fact that he chose in his wisdom to make sex an enjoyable and pleasurable experience meant that he wanted us to use his gift. As far as your husband is concerned, he seems to be a repressed personality maybe because of his upbringing in a harsh and extremely conservative home life. I would suggest that both of you get some individual counselling to overcome some of the hangups and unpalatable baggage that you are carrying and that your husband particularly visit s psychiatrist to detox from his unhealthy upbringing and clear his mind of some deep seated prejudices and beliefs that seem to be poisoning your relationship. Alternatively, if he is not open to such remedy then I would suggest calling off this dysfunctional relationship and going your separate ways. Both of you can then find compatible partners who will gel with you and with whom you can lead happy and satisfying lives. Warm wishes. Edited May 20, 2020 by Just a Guy Corrections. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 20, 2020 Share Posted May 20, 2020 7 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: I love him but not with passionate love. In a way because of him my life has lost all fun and excitement. To him everything should be productive or serious. I used to beg for a hug before he left for work but I stopped. I begged cried screamed about my birthday and other important days. He says many of those days are created as ruses for people to spend more money. I’ll admit I knew all of this before I married him. I guess I felt safe since he explained the futility of things like affairs and living dishonestly. Having been cheated on before, I felt this was a better alternative. I actually found him a virgin, albeit a porn-addicted one. He was a great lover as well. The best I’ve ever been with. You seem to have some incompatibilities. They may be minor ones in the scheme of your marriage/lives together, but they're clearly causing issues for you. Sounds like some MC might be a useful thing, if you can persuade him to attend. Maybe a sex therapist too. If you go that route, my thought would be to find a highly experienced licensed therapist who genuinely specializes in couples counseling, as there are some flaky types and genuine wierdos out there to be cautious of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted May 21, 2020 Share Posted May 21, 2020 22 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: He was a great lover as well. The best I’ve ever been with. Sorry, how is a man who can't make you orgasm a great lover? .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 21, 2020 Author Share Posted May 21, 2020 11 hours ago, SummerDreams said: Sorry, how is a man who can't make you orgasm a great lover? .... I’d never had an orgasm before. Never knew what it felt like. So considering my prior experience no one could compare to him. I came for the first time with my vibe, that was about a year or two ago. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 21, 2020 Share Posted May 21, 2020 Get one and keep it hidden and use it when he's not around. It's not up to him whether you use a vibrator. He's not going to lose anything by you getting your orgasms when he's not around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted May 21, 2020 Share Posted May 21, 2020 Serious question: why are you still married to this man? He's not affectionate, has no interest in meeting any of your needs--sexually in the bedroom or emotionally outside of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 Do you feel like you otherwise get enough affection from him? because honestly there are a lot of guys who don't know how to give an orgasm and if there is a great communication they don't always learn. but it's still not his business whether you keep that on the side and use it when he's not around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Share Posted May 22, 2020 2 hours ago, preraph said: Get one and keep it hidden and use it when he's not around. It's not up to him whether you use a vibrator. He's not going to lose anything by you getting your orgasms when he's not around. Yes I did that but always got overwhelmed with guilt. I actually threw away a few vibrators out of guilt only to secretly buy them again. I finally brought the issue up and told him I won’t be keeping this issue a secret but I’m gonna purchase a new vibe and use it when I feel frustrated. He wasn’t happy to hear that and didn’t speak to me the rest of the day. We had a huge fight today about something else and he mentioned me not blaming my decision to ‘chase that type of life’ on him. I don’t understand! When I watch reality tv or read social websites he says I’m trying to pursue that way of living. All this is stressful to me. I told him I wish I didn’t marry him, he said I’m free to leave. Hes never comforted me or made me feel loved and cherished. He was a good lover who spent a lot of time exploring my body but maybe that’s the reason I ignored all the red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Share Posted May 22, 2020 2 hours ago, healing light said: Serious question: why are you still married to this man? He's not affectionate, has no interest in meeting any of your needs--sexually in the bedroom or emotionally outside of it. We have a young son together. I also believe divorce isn’t right in Gods eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 He just sounds very controlling and like he expects you to be just like him and that his way is the only right way. And just from something you said earlier, maybe he's using religion to justify that. I think you're doing great standing up for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 I'm part of a fairly right-wing Christian community, and we have no problem with vibrators. As long as they don't become a replacement for your partner. In your case, your partner's lack of involvement has forced you into a position where you have to use the vibe. I don't see the vibe itself as a problem, as it is merely an object. I would ask - is your husband also a believer? If so, he'd better look at 1 Corinthians 7:5... "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." Sex (and satisfactory sex, at that!) is not only good in marriage, it is commanded. And if your husband is depriving you, he is committing a sin against you and placing both of you at risk of infidelity or something like it. Humans lack sexual self-control, and marriage is one of God's gifts to us so we have a sexual outlet. If it is safe to do so, be up front with your husband about what you need, when you need it, and how you need it. I'm thankful to have an attentive husband, but there's been a couple of times that I've basically had to point it out to him bluntly that this blonde wants x,y, and z and wants it NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: We have a young son together. I also believe divorce isn’t right in Gods eyes. Every man I have ever met knows to make a big deal about the wife's birthday, wedding anniversary, valentine's day etc. It's important to most women and if you love your wife you will be happy to do that for her. To be honest, your husband sounds like a knuckle dragger. I don't know what is wrong with these kind of men. Sorry you have to deal with that. Try to keep communication with him open, and express your feelings and give him every chance to see the error of his ways.Hopefully he comes around and starts to be a little more affectionate. Go ahead and use your vibe but keep it discrete if it really bugs him. Edited May 22, 2020 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetCharity Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 5 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: We have a young son together. I also believe divorce isn’t right in Gods eyes. I think emotional and psychological abuse isn't right in God's eyes. Get out now while your son is still young. I was married to a controlling man once. Now that I'm divorced I'm much happier. If you really want to stay and make it work I would suggest withholding sex. Sometimes that whips a man into shape. I personally did it with my ex-husband while we were married and found out he was more amenable to pleasing me sexually just to get back into my pants. Things he wouldn't do before? He BEGGED to do it after a while of me not letting him touch me. I didn't do it to be manipulative. I was very unhappy emotionally and couldn't bear the thought of sex with him. But it was a nice surprise when he went out of his way to seduce me. I'd give in and the sex was *muah* chef's kiss. But I digress. See if that works. But in my humble opinion you have bigger issues than just your sex life. Throw the whole man away. Keep the vibe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 (edited) Honestly, TheTruth711, your husband sounds like a selfish man to me. It may seem like his behavior is a specific response to your using a vibrator, but I highly doubt it. I get the impression that he's an all round selfish kind of guy and is no longer trying to hide it now that you've settled into the marriage and he no longer has to make an effort. His response to your desire to orgasm is just one of the ways in which he can deny you what you want, make it about him, and essentially exercise control over you. Whatever else religion may teach about sex, it also tends to be categorical about the need for husbands and wives to satisfy each other sexually. Failure or refusal to do so is often considered reasonable grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, Christianity often has a non-pragmatic stance regarding divorce. So people remain in miserable marriages, seething at each other and exposing their children to unhealthy patterns of interaction. Maybe consider marital counselling? He will probably refuse to go and become more controlling and more obviously emotionally abusive. But I strongly suspect that you need to try all the reasonable options available to make your marriage work before you are ready to consider that you guys may just be too incompatible to have a successful marriage. Edited May 22, 2020 by Acacia98 Adding an explanation 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 7 hours ago, TheTruth711 said: He was a good lover who spent a lot of time exploring my body but maybe that’s the reason I ignored all the red flags. Yes he has some "issues". However, Question if you had spent a long time perfecting this great cupcake that your husband said he loved and then one day you find him with a shop bought one, how would you feel? He apologises and then another day he says I am sorry but I am still going to buy that cupcake as I love it. How motivated would you then be to keep baking for him? Your pleasure was gained from the look of happiness on his face. But he has rejected your efforts in favour of a shop bought goodie. Instead of baking with love and attention, you would then be throwing the ingredients into the bowl and not care a damn how they turned out... Sex is very important to men, their performance needs to be praised, their egos are very fragile as regards sex. With the vibe you metaphorically kicked him in the balls. Now he is getting the sex he wants and not spending much time on you at all as you no longer need him. All those hours he spent on exploring your body were all in vain. Your pleasure comes from the shop bought vibe... Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 There is nothing wrong with toys in the bedroom. A toy will never take the place of love so there is no need to get jelous about a toy, lol 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetCharity Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes he has some "issues". However, Question if you had spent a long time perfecting this great cupcake that your husband said he loved and then one day you find him with a shop bought one, how would you feel? He apologises and then another day he says I am sorry but I am still going to buy that cupcake as I love it. How motivated would you then be to keep baking for him? Your pleasure was gained from the look of happiness on his face. But he has rejected your efforts in favour of a shop bought goodie. Instead of baking with love and attention, you would then be throwing the ingredients into the bowl and not care a damn how they turned out... Sex is very important to men, their performance needs to be praised, their egos are very fragile as regards sex. With the vibe you metaphorically kicked him in the balls. Now he is getting the sex he wants and not spending much time on you at all as you no longer need him. All those hours he spent on exploring your body were all in vain. Your pleasure comes from the shop bought vibe... No. Just no. That is not even the same thing. There's no excuse for him to act that way. It's a vibrator, not another man. Don't listen to this advice, OP. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You do not need to cater to male fragility. Edited May 23, 2020 by SweetCharity 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 2 hours ago, SweetCharity said: You do not need to cater to male fragility. No-one said she had to, but this is what is happening all the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 On 5/19/2020 at 9:33 PM, TheTruth711 said: Is it unbiblical to use a vibrator? I studied in a catholic college... and while it does talk about "Spilling Seed"... nowhere does it say anything about females using a vibrator. LOL. Unfortunately, that is a personal opinion that your husband has decided on, regardless if it has any merit in the scriptures. There is no easy answer here, and I don't think you will be able to persuade him to let you keep it. BUT... if he still travels for work... tell him that it helps keep you faithful. OR... go down the path that may be a little harsh... but say to him... "If you can honestly say to me... and to God... that you have never pleasured yourself... then I will get rid of it. Otherwise... I'm keeping." Personally... if my SO had a small bullet... I would be fine with it, as long as she still wants to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetCharity Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: No-one said she had to, but this is what is happening all the same. The way you're phrasing it sounds like it. This is not what is happening. He's trying to be controlling and it probably has nothing to do with her sex toy. That's just a scapegoat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 Hi The Truth, I want to know which country you are living in? From the way you have written it appears that yours is a very conservative country because of not only your husband's attitude but to some extent your own. Let me be very frank. In the 21st century the kind of attitude you seem to have about divorce is quite antiquated. I am not a proponent of divorce in the normal course but what you are undergoing at the hands of your husband is emotional abuse. He has lost interest in you, emotionally and sexually and if you choose to continue to remain married to him you will end up a bitter, frustrated and possibly depressed person full of negativity and bile. If you relish the thought of such a future, go ahead and condemn yourself to a life of sorrow. If not then pack your bags while it is not too late and move on with your life. I do not know if you are a working lady such that you can support yourself and your son. If you are not then you should first get a job which pays you adequately to be able to survive on your own. Of course you will also be entitled to child support from your husband and possibly some alimony. As I said I would like to know where you live as that fact will determine the practicality of being able to divorce your husband sooner rather than later. Do not get bogged down with religious restrictions in the place where you reside. In the end you will find that you are your own best friend and that no one from your church or religious fraternity will come forward to help and support you barring some lip service. You will have to look out for yourself. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 23, 2020 Author Share Posted May 23, 2020 On 5/22/2020 at 5:36 AM, elaine567 said: Yes he has some "issues". However, Question if you had spent a long time perfecting this great cupcake that your husband said he loved and then one day you find him with a shop bought one, how would you feel? He apologises and then another day he says I am sorry but I am still going to buy that cupcake as I love it. How motivated would you then be to keep baking for him? Your pleasure was gained from the look of happiness on his face. But he has rejected your efforts in favour of a shop bought goodie. Instead of baking with love and attention, you would then be throwing the ingredients into the bowl and not care a damn how they turned out... Sex is very important to men, their performance needs to be praised, their egos are very fragile as regards sex. With the vibe you metaphorically kicked him in the balls. Now he is getting the sex he wants and not spending much time on you at all as you no longer need him. All those hours he spent on exploring your body were all in vain. Your pleasure comes from the shop bought vibe... No that’s not how it is! He spent his time and knew perfectly well he was amazing. In fact one time he hacked my account and read some messages where I was bragging about his moves to a friend. He was quite happy when he realized I looked at him like that. To be blunt I absolutely hated clitoral stimulation. I was extremely sensitive to it and all together avoided it. With the vibe I finally discovered the purpose of that little cute button on my body. When we met again I tried to show him how to get me there but he didn’t have the patience for that. Ofcourse without the vibe I took a lot longer to cum. He complained that it was loud and took a long time. We now have sex but I don’t feel fulfilled as much. The prior amount of time he spent on my body, he halfed that. No more foreplay at all! Most times he doesn’t even kiss me. Holding hands, compliments? Forget that! I cannot continue to feel bad about my sexual needs. Your last paragraph seems to try to shame me for all this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 23, 2020 Author Share Posted May 23, 2020 16 hours ago, SweetCharity said: No. Just no. That is not even the same thing. There's no excuse for him to act that way. It's a vibrator, not another man. Don't listen to this advice, OP. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You do not need to cater to male fragility. Thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheTruth711 Posted May 23, 2020 Author Share Posted May 23, 2020 7 hours ago, Just a Guy said: Hi The Truth, I want to know which country you are living in? From the way you have written it appears that yours is a very conservative country because of not only your husband's attitude but to some extent your own. Let me be very frank. In the 21st century the kind of attitude you seem to have about divorce is quite antiquated. I am not a proponent of divorce in the normal course but what you are undergoing at the hands of your husband is emotional abuse. He has lost interest in you, emotionally and sexually and if you choose to continue to remain married to him you will end up a bitter, frustrated and possibly depressed person full of negativity and bile. If you relish the thought of such a future, go ahead and condemn yourself to a life of sorrow. If not then pack your bags while it is not too late and move on with your life. I do not know if you are a working lady such that you can support yourself and your son. If you are not then you should first get a job which pays you adequately to be able to survive on your own. Of course you will also be entitled to child support from your husband and possibly some alimony. As I said I would like to know where you live as that fact will determine the practicality of being able to divorce your husband sooner rather than later. Do not get bogged down with religious restrictions in the place where you reside. In the end you will find that you are your own best friend and that no one from your church or religious fraternity will come forward to help and support you barring some lip service. You will have to look out for yourself. Warm wishes. I’m from Asia but permanently moved to the United States. I hear you but I cannot divorce my husband or my religion. I don’t believe the Bible laws are antiquated. My guilt comes from self pleasure, I’m not sure why I feel that it is wrong. But I guess you can all imagine living without an orgasm while still having sex with a partner who frowns upon your desire for one. Youre right, I’ve become angry and bitter since I met him. I lost friends and feel like I’m always wrong about something. Even my parenting, he always has something to say about that. I appreciate the advice/suggestion though. Link to post Share on other sites
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