Cheating military husband

[Shampu549]

My husband is highly educated and is often condescending when he speaks a to me.  He has toned it down a LOT since being with me bc I would not take it.  There are many things that he has changed and for the most part, it has been positive changes.  The changes are more outwardly though.  I think for the most part, his selfish tendencies and egotistical thinking still prevails.  
 

When we met, I was in the midst of a break up and was on the rebound.  He was very into me and kept repeating things like “if I got a girl pregnant, I wouldn’t mind it”.  He’s in his early 30s.  Unbeknownst to me, after 6-7 dates, we decided to take a short weekend trip together.  I was tired if the dating scene and thought this trip would help to figure out if we actually got along.  I had no intentions of sleeping with him and did not bring any protection.   He kind of forced himself on me.  I wouldn’t even say that I was very attracted to him.  I remember I kept saying “ I’m not on birth control”.  He said he will pull out.   Looking back, possibly I was naive and a bit of a pushover ( I grew up in a very Protestant Christian family).  He has a very aggressive personality.  
 

After that one sexual encounter with him, I became pregnant!!!  I was in total shock.
 

Of course, we decided we had to get married.  He is very organized and basically threw the wedding together in a months time.  
 

The first year of our marriage was a nightmare.  His condescending words just got me so angry.   He’s also OCD but uneducated  ( used to wash hands 7x as a kid over and over again til it bled).     I’m laid back and mess and I have adhd.   Hes organized and ocd.  It was just fights every day.  I was so miserable.    He wouldn’t even talk to me, he was always on the computer.  So I decided to snoop.  

I found out that when he met me, he was chatting  with some other people telling them he wants to marry me.  He then told some girl that he’s going to “trap” me by putting a baby in me.    I kind of felt like he had done this but I see that he had written it out that he intentionally impregnated me so I would be with him just makes me so angry.  Everything has been based on a lie   

i found that he was watching a ton of porn and masterbating while I am taking care of the baby.    He went to these work conferences and would ask for other Women’s phone numbers and chat with them about their personal life.  He would I talk to 5-6 ppl at once via text.  He would always want to leave me and our daughter to go to bars to hang out.  
 

It all came to a breaking point when he was in Hawaii for a work trip.  I had joined him with the baby there but left after a week bc I had to work. 2 hours after I left, He decided to download tinder and was chatting up some girl intending to meet her up.  I found out in real time bc I had access to his computer which kept record of his iMessages. 
 

I decided to send the pictures of the messages to his mother who was also with him in Hawaii.  I was so angry I wanted everyone to know how awful a person he was.  His mother confronted him and of course he said I was crazy.  She said she knew and then she cried.    This made him very sad and come to his senses.  
 

He apologized a million times More bc he got caught. He claimed he would go to counseling but only attended 1 session and then refused to go to anymore.  I demanded that he give me all his passwords.  
 

He’s the type of person that cannot he trusted. Anytime he’s out of town or I am not around, he wants to go to strip clubs or whatever.  
 

Several months ago, he blocked he iMessages to go to his computer.  
 

2 days ago, he changed his computer password.   

I was going to file for divorce this year once we have moved to a location I want to live.  But now with the pandemic, things have changed.  Now we are supposed to move overseas in 3 months.  I’m at a loss as to what to do.   
 

Should I move home With my parents as he moves overseas?  How does divorce work when my husband is active duty overseas?   Should I just weather it?    
 

Sorry, it’s such a long story.  
 

 

 
 

 

[Marc878]

58 minutes ago, Shampu549 said:

My husband is highly educated and is often condescending when he speaks a to me.  He has toned it down a LOT since being with me bc I would not take it.  There are many things that he has changed and for the most part, it has been positive changes.  The changes are more outwardly though.  I think for the most part, his selfish tendencies and egotistical thinking still prevails.  
 

When we met, I was in the midst of a break up and was on the rebound.  He was very into me and kept repeating things like “if I got a girl pregnant, I wouldn’t mind it”.  He’s in his early 30s.  Unbeknownst to me, after 6-7 dates, we decided to take a short weekend trip together.  I was tired if the dating scene and thought this trip would help to figure out if we actually got along.  I had no intentions of sleeping with him and did not bring any protection.   He kind of forced himself on me.  I wouldn’t even say that I was very attracted to him.  I remember I kept saying “ I’m not on birth control”.  He said he will pull out.   Looking back, possibly I was naive and a bit of a pushover ( I grew up in a very Protestant Christian family).  He has a very aggressive personality.  
 

After that one sexual encounter with him, I became pregnant!!!  I was in total shock.
 

Of course, we decided we had to get married.  He is very organized and basically threw the wedding together in a months time.  
 

The first year of our marriage was a nightmare.  His condescending words just got me so angry.   He’s also OCD but uneducated  ( used to wash hands 7x as a kid over and over again til it bled).     I’m laid back and mess and I have adhd.   Hes organized and ocd.  It was just fights every day.  I was so miserable.    He wouldn’t even talk to me, he was always on the computer.  So I decided to snoop.  

I found out that when he met me, he was chatting  with some other people telling them he wants to marry me.  He then told some girl that he’s going to “trap” me by putting a baby in me.    I kind of felt like he had done this but I see that he had written it out that he intentionally impregnated me so I would be with him just makes me so angry.  Everything has been based on a lie   

i found that he was watching a ton of porn and masterbating while I am taking care of the baby.    He went to these work conferences and would ask for other Women’s phone numbers and chat with them about their personal life.  He would I talk to 5-6 ppl at once via text.  He would always want to leave me and our daughter to go to bars to hang out.  
 

It all came to a breaking point when he was in Hawaii for a work trip.  I had joined him with the baby there but left after a week bc I had to work. 2 hours after I left, He decided to download tinder and was chatting up some girl intending to meet her up.  I found out in real time bc I had access to his computer which kept record of his iMessages. 
 

Sounds like a serial cheater. Google it. They never stop.
 

I decided to send the pictures of the messages to his mother who was also with him in Hawaii.  I was so angry I wanted everyone to know how awful a person he was.  His mother confronted him and of course he said I was crazy.  She said she knew and then she cried.    This made him very sad and come to his senses.  

Upfront they just go into self protection mode. Promise the moon. Words don’t mean a thing.

He apologized a million times More bc he got caught. He claimed he would go to counseling but only attended 1 session and then refused to go to anymore.  I demanded that he give me all his passwords.  
 

Being a marriage warden won’t get you much.
 

He’s the type of person that cannot he trusted. Anytime he’s out of town or I am not around, he wants to go to strip clubs or whatever.  
 

Several months ago, he blocked he iMessages to go to his computer.  
 

2 days ago, he changed his computer password.   
 

He’s still at it.

I was going to file for divorce this year once we have moved to a location I want to live.  But now with the pandemic, things have changed.  Now we are supposed to move overseas in 3 months.  I’m at a loss as to what to do.   
 

Should I move home With my parents as he moves overseas?  How does divorce work when my husband is active duty overseas?   Should I just weather it?    
 

Sorry, it’s such a long story.  
 

 

 
 

 

Sorry you’re here. Reconciliation takes a lot of must haves.

remorse

transparency

wayward spouse will to fix themselves, pull the heavier load
 

Even then it’s a 2-5 year period with no guarantees.

It sounds like you should have never married in the first place. I’d get out now before you go through more. Most don’t change or it’s temporary and the revert back.

 

[schlumpy]

You can't just talk about divorce you have to file. Maybe that will wake him up. It doesn't sound like though. He's a serial cheater.

This is a no win situation for you. Your only move is to take the better of two bad options. In my humble opinion you would be better off divorcing and look on your time with him as a mistake.

It's either that, look the other way the rest of your life.

[d0nnivain]

Before you move, speak to somebody on base about your rights & how divorce works in the military.  Arm yourself with knowledge.  It's OK to stay there a little bit longer once he's gone but you need to be planning your exit.  Once you know how it's done, get out but for now use the low cost resources available to you as a military dependent.  

[Crazelnut]

Yep, talk to someone on base to find out your rights and talk to a local lawyer who has experience with military divorces. Then file! There's really nothing to save in this marriage. Do you really want to raise a child with such a horrible role model as a father?

Edited May 20, 2020 by Crazelnut

[Lorenzo76]

After all you described I would move back home with mom and dad.  You think you are trapped now it would only get worse living overseas.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like the DDay flipped him back to you, but only temporarily to "patch things up". As you indicate, he hasn't really changed and the new secrecy efforts are showing that. As pointed out above, he would need to genuinely work on himself internally in order to be loyal to you and that never happened. Sorry to hear about this.

[Shampu549]

Thank you for your responses.  I really appreciate it.  So I’ve read up on how to prepare for a divorce, so will money be split 50/50 from all accounts?  He and I have a joint account but we also have separate accounts.  We also own a home that we are renting out.  Should I keep some money as cash?  I was wondering how this would work out when we get divorced. 

[preraph]

You have got to get out of this sham of a marriage. I am so sorry. It is just terrible that he had sex with you even though you were telling him you didn't want to because you didn't use birth control. That is not a good man.

 

You know how to go about getting a divorce, so just go ahead and do it. At least his mother will understand why. As I'm sure you know, you just apply with the state for child support and they take the child support from him. You don't have to get it from him yourself. I don't know if you have to get a judge to say how much it's going to be or if the state will do it. But you should just call the state and ask them. You just googled your state and child support.

[mark clemson]

I think the kinds of questions you're asking are best answered by a lawyer as they can vary by jurisdiction. Not sure if you have court-admissible evidence of any affair, but in some places, that can have a significant impact on the divorce outcome. So, it'd be important to ask one about things like that. In the US, many family/divorce lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consults, and you can talk to several of them to get a feel for who you like as well as get additional questions answered.

IMO, if you decide to divorce, you probably want a lawyer who'll get you to meditation as quickly as possible rather than dragging things out with court motions that may go nowhere, as that sort of thing could get expensive pretty quickly. That would be true for your husband as well, so you could point that out to him if he wants a big fight or anything over it.

[Ami1uwant]

Divorce rules are different in each state.

 

being married to military complicates things.

 

i don’t think the overseas deployment will happen .