I wasn't built to be happy and I don't know why

[k100danny]

As you may gather from the title i've been doing a bit of soul searching since my last post explaining my break up.

I have always known i have issued and i will list what i know about myself below

*anxiety disorder/panic attacks

*selfish

*really struggle to let relationships end even if they are bad

*Trouble controlling emotions or even understanding what im feeling

*I can be controlling in relationships

*My last relationship I realise I was emotionally abusive, i knew this for a while but couldn't admit it because of guilt

*I struggle to connect with people on an emotional level

*My ex said i was like christian grey which i took as good in bed but when she said it made her cry i watched it and i saw why she felt said

I just really feel I struggle to be happy, I have diagnosed myself with things after every relationship has endd, I have been in therapy for years dealing with my anxiety which i sometimes have under control and other times don't, When i realised I was very self centred/abusive emotional and very withdrawn I put it down to my anxiety, things getting on my nerves and stress and just hoped it would stop but when my relationship finally failed after many second chances and us getting back together i realised enough is enough, I don't even know where to start in getting help, my therapist only really deals with anxiety but i know i have a lot of other issues that need addressing.

after reading some things i thought i was a narcissist, but then other times i dont. Like i feel bad for what i do, I have low self esteem but sometimes pretend i don't to protect myself, I have a lot of guilt for how I am and i fear abandonment. I have been very similar in all of my relationships except with the emotional abuse which has happened in both of my long term relationships. I am not justifying what I do but i think i understand why I do it as a coping mechanism. I try to control because I think i am on edge thinking people will leave me, if they see the real me. I also act out when i feel threatened or if i think someone or something is going to happen I push people away. For instance as my anxiety got worse the last 2 years I could sense my girlfriends frustration with me and that made me angry at her, i would avoid being home when i thought she would want us to go out for the day or things because i was scared of having panic attacks. When she called me on it saying she wanted to do these things with me becayse she loved me it was easier to deny that i am ashamed of being 37 years old and suffering with so much anxiety that iwas depending on my 28 year old girlfriend to do things for me, So i say things like this is just me, if you dont like it you an leave and find someone who will do those things with you (I never wanted her to leave) but id say it and some times actually ask her to. I think I did it because it's easier to deny i feel despressed and sad about my life, and to not have to admit i am literally terrified of having panic attacks.

 

The sad thing is i was able to do some things with my mum , she was there when i develloped anxiety and I felt secure, something i didn't feel as closely with my ex girlfriend (having 1 or 2 family members be safe people is common for anxiety/agoraphobia sufferers) I obviously see how this would have annoyed my now ex, she wanted to feel i felt safe with her but the more she got annoyed the more i didn't feel safe.

 

I'm just a really f***ed up person I think And i just want to be happy like i think most people are, I hate that i do awful stuff to people and that i can't seem to give people what they want because half the time i'm just trying to get through the day. I don't think deep down inside im a bad person, I sit and cry for some of the things I have done and thinking how i have hurt people but i also find it hard to understand what is going on and get the help i need. I used to think i'd grow out of it, And with every year that goes by i just think am i always going to be sad, will i ever wake up in a morning content. 

 

sorry i just needed to rant and not to my ex.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I note that you’ve got no replies to this, I don’t know why but I’ll try to help. 
 

I’m not going to sugar coat this: This is an utter mess! However the good news is you can do something about it. 
 

I will give you a breakdown of what I think you need to do to sort this out. 

1) Make a commitment to yourself that you will stay single for a year.  You will commit this year to working on yourself. This involves and coming to terms with the fact that your recent relationship is over and letting it go.

2) secondly, you get some CBT for anxiety and panic attacks. You do the homework between sessions and you sort this. 
 

3) Thirdly, you get specific help for abusiveness and controlling behaviour. You sound too empathic to me to be a narcissist. However, evidently you put others down/ control others to help yourself feel better about yourself. Whilst you remain in this cycle you do not have any chance at securing a healthy, functional relationship. 
 

Yes all this will take at least a year and the only person you need to be in a relationship with during this time is yourself. 
 

I hope that helps. 
 

Good luck 
 

 

[preraph]

Anxuety may have something to do with your need to control, but that still doesn't answer what is the root of your anxiety. I'm glad you're in therapy for it. be sure you're open with your therapist about being abusive or she won't know the whole picture.

[k100danny]

11 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I note that you’ve got no replies to this, I don’t know why but I’ll try to help. 
 

I’m not going to sugar coat this: This is an utter mess! However the good news is you can do something about it. 
 

I will give you a breakdown of what I think you need to do to sort this out. 

1) Make a commitment to yourself that you will stay single for a year.  You will commit this year to working on yourself. This involves and coming to terms with the fact that your recent relationship is over and letting it go.

2) secondly, you get some CBT for anxiety and panic attacks. You do the homework between sessions and you sort this. 
 

3) Thirdly, you get specific help for abusiveness and controlling behaviour. You sound too empathic to me to be a narcissist. However, evidently you put others down/ control others to help yourself feel better about yourself. Whilst you remain in this cycle you do not have any chance at securing a healthy, functional relationship. 
 

Yes all this will take at least a year and the only person you need to be in a relationship with during this time is yourself. 
 

I hope that helps. 
 

Good luck 
 

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I definitely need to be single for a while, ive always known i struggle in relationships and I did stay single for a long time before I met my ex.

 

I hope im not a true narcisist as that seems like a veyr lonely existence, i think i just blame myself for so much and some of my behaviour looked like being a narc when maybe there where other explanations, I don't have high self esteem, i certainly dont think im a special person and I do like to do nice things for people. What made me think i ws a narc was that I sometimes put people down to make myself feel better, or id be very selfish but that was out of fear not that i didn't care. So when my ex said over the last couple of years it had got bad (and i agreed) I thought why am I doing this? It was easy to blame other things like I dont want to do this or that but i did, then when i sensed she was very frustrated with me and rightly so, she didn't really ask for me to do a lot just things most would expect in a relationship I started to pull away because i didn't feel safe in the relationship.

 

She wanted us to get married but we used to argue a lot and i knew for her to be truly happy the anxiety would have to be a thing of the past so i never asked her to marry me because i wanted to ask her when i felt she was happy with me just how i was and thats is when the big arguements started around 2 years ago, Maybe knowing i would struggle to make this work and coming to terms with that i chose to take it out on her rather than admit that and be vulnerable.

From the beginning i used to get jealous but some of that i feel was justified but i should have just brought it up, there were reasons i thought i couldn't. When i say controlling it wasn't to the extent of a lot of controlling relationships but i still have to work on whatever made me that way. For instance i didn't tell my ex where she could go or who she could see, what she could wear or control the money side of things at all. I just used to give her the cold shoulder if she did something i didn't like or which made me feel vulnerable/jealous. And that isn't nice because then people start to walk on eggshell. Even i walked on eggshells for a while worried that we would get into an argument about stuff.

 

I do genuinely want her to be happy, i want everyone to be happy and i do see how both of us made the other persons issues worse now. She has very low self esteem and maybe gravitated towards me because she knew i would withdraw, she self admits that if someone is really loving and caring she finds that uncomfortable but always looked for it from me, hugging and wanting to be near me.

 

I have a lot of soul searching to do over the next couple of years but hopefully we will both now have satisfying relationships in the future.

[Calmandfocused]

Preraph has a good point. You work on your anxiety and you may find that some of the dysfunction you experience in your relationships may naturally resolve. 
 

I’ve dated at least 3 narcissists previously and I married one of them. I therefore like to think that I know a bit about this topic: 

If you are questioning whether you are a narcissist or not the chances are you are not one!  Most Narcissists understand that there is not something quite right with them but they are too self entitled to truly understand their sickness. The problem is with other people and the world- not with them! 
 

You can be abusive without being a narcissist. All narcissists are abusive but not all abusers are narcissists. 
 

As aforementioned, your abusiveness could be related to your anxiety. If so, this will be much easier to treat. 
 

If you want to understand more about this I’d recommend reading Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. It’s targeted towards survivors but there is some great chapters on the whys and wherefores of abuse. 
 

You’ve got this op and can do it. You just need some focus, commitment and you’ll get there.