Afraid to call CPS

[light yagami]

My 9yr old daughter came forward to my wife (her stepmom) and told her about being abused at her biomom's house. The physical abuse is bad the mental abuse is horrific. I am 1000% positive what she said is true. I have called CPS before, have gone to court before, both systems are pathetically broken and do a s*** job. Her mother knows how to lie and intimidate children to manipulate the system. 

I will not see her til the beginning of next month. At that point I am having her meet with my wife and her aunts to try to get her to meet with the police to retell her story to them. I worry she won't come forward, and if I report to CPS without her willingness to talk, they'll mess it up YET AGAIN. 

I'd appreciate any advice, especially any 3rd option ideas.

[preraph]

Call the police and they will call CPS and someone will have to do something.  If there's anything to see, take photos of it.  If you can record her telling you about the abuse, record it.

Edited May 20, 2020 by preraph

[major_merrick]

CPS is worse than useless, they can actually be a threat to children.  Unless you personally know and trust someone in power who can help you, at best you're spitting into the wind.  The system that gives mothers primary custody is geared to mostly discount any evidence presented by a father against his ex.  You'll basically have to have a timestamped video recording of the abuse in progress in order to succeed. 

In my custody issue, I had to get my younger sister away from my mother.  The only way I got it done was one of my ex's friends was in a relationship with the family court judge.  Corruption has its benefits at times.

[Ellener]

It's a difficult situation but if your child is stating she is being abused there isn't much else you can do except write down what she says and be prepared to make her complaints known to a social worker or police officer I don't think. 

I take it you and your ex are unable to communicate on any of this? But you don't think it's an emergency in that it can wait several days until you've seen her again?

Try to make your own home environment as calm and comfortable as possible so she at least has a respite is the first thing I would do.

I would not try to get your child to talk to family members, an abuse situation needs an objective independent and experienced worker to interview her first and decide how to proceed. 

 

[nospam99]

Good luck finding 'an objective independent and experienced worker'. Here in NY, CPS behaves as if their annual job performance evaluation is based on how many families they can break up via a court order. My ex and I 'stayed together for the sake of the kids' for a decade. I can't speak for her. But my motivation was to keep CPS the hell out of my kids' lives.

Fortunately, at the time I was working for a Fortune 50 company with obscene (with respect to the amounts they'd pay for 'services') family 'mental health' benefits. My kids got 'help' from private businesses rather than destruction of the family from CPS. Catch-22 is the cost. Good luck paying paying for it if you don't have the advantage of employer-provided benefits. Caveat: this was before Obamacare. I doubt that those kind of benefits are as good now or even available at all.

[d0nnivain]

You can't just abandon your child to a mom who is physically abusing her.  Take the kid to a pediatrician & get some medical evidence.  

[JS84]

Can you give the child a VAR to keep hidden on her person or in the house so some of it can at least be recorded???

[light yagami]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You can't just abandon your child to a mom who is physically abusing her.  Take the kid to a pediatrician & get some medical evidence.  

Never the plan. Why I am here is I know how broken and abhorrable the court system and CPS are. As a father any claim her mother made was accepted by the court without any proof, even with proof to the contrary, the proof was thrown out for various reasons. I brought undeniable proof of abuse like hospital records etc... And tha twas thrown out for different and even more ridiculous reasons.

I have been battling since she was 5, lost an ungodly amount of money, and never stopped watching out for her. I'm not going to give up now, my greatest fear is the courts leave their heads crammed where they left it for the past 4 years and my daughter get abused even worse for speaking up. 

I can run in blindly knowing I will fail because I am non uteri in corpus. Or I can be smart, see if anyone has any ideas to help me be successful. That is why I am here

Edited May 21, 2020 by light yagami
Legibilty

[light yagami]

No, I dont know what a VAR is. But her mother searches her backpack and pockets when she is dropped off on the doorstep. Anything from my home is thrown away/destroyed (Parked a ways a way and watched it happen for myself).Then she is interrogated about her week tothe point of tears. I can't put her in a dangerous situation

[light yagami]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

I take it you and your ex are unable to communicate on any of this? But you don't think it's an emergency in that it can wait several days until you've seen her again? 

 

Communicating the fact to her that her daughter is coming forth with abuse will end very badly especially for my daughter. 

I had no choice but to take her back. This will be the third time going to court since the divorce. Thats about every 1.5 years And Every time I go in the court is absolutely useless. Now, I am hoping to get my daughter to open up but until she is ready I know what will happen...again. Believe me it KILLS me she is there for the week. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, light yagami said:

Communicating the fact to her that her daughter is coming forth with abuse will end very badly especially for my daughter. 

I had no choice but to take her back. This will be the third time going to court since the divorce. Thats about every 1.5 years And Every time I go in the court is absolutely useless. Now, I am hoping to get my daughter to open up but until she is ready I know what will happen...again. Believe me it KILLS me she is there for the week. 

I'm sorry.

Thank goodness your daughter has you and your place to go to for some of the time.

The truth always comes out in the end. 

[d0nnivain]

Learn more about something called Parental Alienation Syndrome.  There are father's groups out there that can help you.  You will need experts.  The groups are fantastic resources for loving fathers like  you.  Do not give up!   Invest in a camera with a telephoto lens & take pictures of the stuff being thrown out.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

I hope you get some s*** resolved with all this! Disgusting. We can say all we want about the CPS, but they are typically short-staffed and over-worked. Useless, no. I have friends who have been saved by their local CPS and the dedicated social workers who literally risk their own lives at times. I had a dear friend, who was a social worker, murdered by an abusive bf (of the woman and child she had to help) to which she was assigned. The real problem is the system, a system that is inherently adversarial in all aspects of the legal cog that makes it truly difficult. 

It sounds like your ex got better lawyers. 

Your daughter will need to vocalize the abuse. Eventually provide testimonial evidence to her abuse. How? When? A story of abuse that is consistent, reliable...

Why were the pictures, which would have alerted even the medical team treating her, dismissed? Did they testify? 

[nospam99]

Good point by Gr8fuln2020 - see if you can find a good lawyer, maybe through a ''father's rights'' group.

[Timshel]

Take your daughter to a therapist/psychologist during your time.  They are bound by a Duty to Protect.  Make the appointment asap so that you can get her in as soon as she gets back to you.

[Blind-Sided]

This really is a tough one because there are 2 sides to every story. I know you want to believe your kid... but once that report is made... it's official.  Here's a few of my thoughts.....

1) I have a couple friends that work for the local CYS, and looking from their side... they are spread thin.  Especially now as there was layoff's during the COVID issue. But last time I talked with my friend... he had more than 30 cases to look after.  So... he has to make choices based on what is best for the kid... but there has to be proof of issues for him to take a kid away from a biological parent. The stress of his job is crazy high.

2) Could your kid just be bad-mouthing her mother because she isn't getting her way?  What I'm trying to say is... Are we sure the abuse is "Real" ?  The only reason I say this is... I was accused of abuse, when it wasn't real... but once that tag is hung on someone... it's hard to shake, and things are then skewed to the other side.  I know you want to believe your kid... but kids lie to get their way, and don't understand the ramifications of their actions.

3) Assuming the physical abuse is real... why haven't you just kept your daughter when she is over?  Can you take pictures of bruises for proof?  If you can... then you can have CYS come to your house, and document the issues. 

Regardless of the levels... once you have your ducks in the row...  you will have to go to court to change the custody order.

I feel bad for any kid who is being abused... and they need protected.  Just be carful of what the actual accusations are in this situation. Good luck in moving forward.

[IndigoNight]

Get evidence of the abuse, and a lawyer. Then petition for sole custody. Your child is getting old enough to have a choice on which parent she wants to live with, and her visitation with the other parent.