do men eventually get tired of their insecure girlfriends?

[Hopeful30]

I know a young couple (mid 20s) who have been together for 6 or 7 years now. They are each others first real relationship and have been living together since one month together. The woman is quite insecure (evident in her actions, behaviours and how she expresses her insecurities) while her boyfriend is accommodating, makes good money (supports her) and quite good looking. This is a shared opinion among the group. (Both great people though!)

Recently I have noticed his behaviour and tone have changed towards her. He has gained a lot of weight (says he has no motivation to get fit despite his nagging girlfriend), has an annoyed tone when speaking with her, and from her end, suspicions of cheating and lack of attention (could just be her insecurity though). 

I am curious if his behaviour is a reflection of him getting tired of the relationship? She is pushing for kids which I'm not sure is a good idea, although that's none of my business.

She has made comments about how he offers to buy her sexy lingerie (oh how I wish a man would sex me up for him, good lingerie is expensive!) but she is too insecure to wear it. Or sexy activities and games that she refuses. I see he makes effort, and she is too insecure to meet him half way.

Forgive my bluntness, but isn't it every woman's dream to have a loyal, supportive man to be slutty for? I am curious if her deeply engrained insecurity is partly responsible for these changes in her boyfriends behaviour? 

I am curious for my own sake, because as far as I'm concerned, even when you adhere to traditional gender roles, you still need to meet each other halfway when it comes to sex and intimacy. Curious if men eventually get tired of insecure women? Although evidence points to the contrary, all the insecure women I know are in relationships. 

[5x5]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Forgive my bluntness, but isn't it every woman's dream to have a loyal, supportive man to be slutty for?

No it isn't every woman's dream.

7 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Curious if men eventually get tired of insecure women? Although evidence points to the contrary, all the insecure women I know are in relationships. 

Some do and some don't.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've seen many couples where one person seems to have a lot more to offer in the dating/relationship market than the other person. It's not uncommon to see couples where the man is much stronger in terms of looks, fitness, education, ambition, drive, money, stability, etc.

Maybe it's a male thing to feel inclined to rescue these weaker women, or maybe those men are insecure and enjoy feeling needed by a more dependent partner.

Whatever the reason, I've definitely observed this pattern.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sexy lingerie isn't the issue. 

More likely his desire for more kink is a result of desperation. But it's a cross-fix so to speak. Sorta like emotional eating is a cross-fix for unhappiness and stress. It doesn't work. Going kinky with a partner, as enjoyable as that can be if both people are into it, doesn't make up for being with a highly insecure person.

Insecure people are exhausting because they can only feel appreciated for a moment--and getting to that one moment requires tiring effort on the part of their partner. The next day the insecure person's trust tank and appreciation tank goes back to negative 10. For a partner, everyday with an insecure partner is like putting out a new fire. By contrast, in a good relationship, you build on the other person's affection ... you keep adding to your bank account. You feel increasingly secure with them and appreciated on deeper and deeper levels.  You don't need to reassure people on the basics. 

This sounds like a dead relationship to me. It's just that the man here refuses to see that he is in a relationship with a coffin. As a result, he's starting to build his own coffin, to match hers.

 

[Miss Spider]

5x5 basically said it..depends.  Not everyone is the same or likes same things in a partner. Some things are worth putting up with for the overall person 

 

Also you don’t know the whole dynamic unless you are these people. Ive been in rship with  men who were attractive, intelligent,  accomplished etc from the outside..,  so people probablywondered what they saw in me, as I can be kinda a mess, awkward, ditsy, so forth. but the truth is that most I found out  had some fatal flaw about them that makes them really a handful, but they hid it well. . emotional problems, arrogance, etc. Maybe this guy does too so her dependence on him  comfortable in the relationship with her.. Not saying he’s a bad person or anything. Maybe he has adult baby fetish(no diss to adult babies; that’s cool) and she supports it. I mean you’re only getting a secondhand account 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

Women being pushed by a man to sex it up and wear sleazy lingerie often feel they are simply being asked to be someone they're not and also being treated as an object. It may have nothing to do with her confidence. Sounds to me like she's confident enough to maintain boundaries.

[Gr8fuln2020]

48 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I've seen many couples where one person seems to have a lot more to offer in the dating/relationship market than the other person. It's not uncommon to see couples where the man is much stronger in terms of looks, fitness, education, ambition, drive, money, stability, etc.

Maybe it's a male thing to feel inclined to rescue these weaker women, or maybe those men are insecure and enjoy feeling needed by a more dependent partner.

Whatever the reason, I've definitely observed this pattern.

Just to add...some men also date less attractive women because they are insecure. Strange, but true. I think your second paragraph eludes to that. 

Not me. I go out of my league!  I married to GORGEOUS women. But...it's not just about the looks, huh? 🙄

Edited May 21, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[simpycurious]

14 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

5x5 basically said it..depends.  Not everyone is the same or likes same things in a partner. Some things are worth putting up with for the overall person 

 

Also you don’t know the whole dynamic unless you are these people. Ive been in rship with  men who were attractive, intelligent,  accomplished etc from the outside..,  so people probablywondered what they saw in me, as I can be kinda a mess, awkward, ditsy, so forth. but the truth is that most I found out  had some fatal flaw about them that makes them really a handful, but they hid it well. . emotional problems, arrogance, etc. Maybe this guy does too so her dependence on him  comfortable in the relationship with her.. Not saying he’s a bad person or anything. Maybe he has adult baby fetish(no diss to adult babies; that’s cool) and she supports it. I mean you’re only getting a secondhand account 

But don't most people have some sort of FLAW....a personality quirk, a bit of arrogance, too particular, OCD, goofy, etc?  It just seems when you "attempt" to find perfection or a flawless person more often than not you are gonna come up short.  I think the same can be said about how people perceive themselves.  

[Miss Spider]

24 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

But don't most people have some sort of FLAW....a personality quirk, a bit of arrogance, too particular, OCD, goofy, etc?  It just seems when you "attempt" to find perfection or a flawless person more often than not you are gonna come up short.  I think the same can be said about how people perceive themselves.  

That’s a very good point. Just have to find our own brand, I suppose 

 

Edited May 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

17 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

But don't most people have some sort of FLAW....a personality quirk, a bit of arrogance, too particular, OCD, goofy, etc?  It just seems when you "attempt" to find perfection or a flawless person more often than not you are gonna come up short.  I think the same can be said about how people perceive themselves.  

Agreed. This shouldn't even be a matter of debate. 🤔

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It's just that the man here refuses to see that he is in a relationship with a coffin. As a result, he's starting to build his own coffin, to match hers.

Great insight! That is what this is.

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

But don't most people have some sort of FLAW....a personality quirk, a bit of arrogance, too particular, OCD, goofy, etc?  It just seems when you "attempt" to find perfection or a flawless person more often than not you are gonna come up short.  I think the same can be said about how people perceive themselves.  

True we all have flaws ... But you don't use that logic to date a murderer or a chronic liar or repeated cheater or ... a deeply insecure person.

 The insecurity reported here is not a "flaw" in the sense that we all have strengths and weaknesses and quirks that any partner will have to adjust to. No, insecurity at this depth is about as destructive to a relationship as addiction or chronic lying and chronic cheating. The insecurity will infect and disrupt every aspect of the relationship. It becomes the defining feature of the relationship.

So what happens is the insecurity eats into the patience and forgiveness that should be reserved for annoying flaws or differences. A deeply insecure person needs to be perpetually reassured ... AND ... they also have additional "normal" flaws. The partner gets so warn out dealing with the insecurity that there is no patience for the normal flaws.

Insecurity, which I define as being unable to accept love and appreciation, really undermines the very foundation of a relationship.  If I can't take in love, the relationship is dead. Insecurity infects everything.  And some insecure people become hyper controlling. "Don't tell your friends about me." "Don't tell your family what I said." "Were you talking to your friend about our relationship?" ... OMG, I've been with a deeply insecure person. Totally maddening. 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I would agree with that. A lot of my exes were manic depressives. I guess ‘flaw’ was the wrong word to choose

Edited May 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

Sometimes it's just the relationship itself. The lack of having things in common, not having a life outside the relationship, and not bringing new interests for both to enjoy...like taking up a new hobby ie: hiking, art, wine tasting, etc. If she is insecure, she restricts him from making new friends, going out and enjoying his me time. Expects him to focus on her 100%. He's flippin bored, so he gets depressed and unmotivated. Tries to use kink to uplift the boredom, she digs in her heels, both are at a loss here.

Their answer? counseling or ditch the relationship. They have to ask themselves, what are they willing to do to repair their existence with each other. How far and how much effort?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Forgive my bluntness, but isn't it every woman's dream to have a loyal, supportive man to be slutty for?

No, I am not sure where you got that idea. Some women, sure. Every woman's? No. I know some secure women who would not be turned on by this idea. 

Some men are fine having an insecure woman, because it feeds their own insecurity - a need to be needed, wanted, depended upon. Sure, there are plenty who would balk, but he's been there quite a while. He's obviously getting something out of it too. 

I don't think you have enough information here to assume his seemingly annoyed tone with her is due to her insecurity, specifically. That could contribute to it, of course, but there are plenty of other possibilities too. Maybe he's been feeling down on himself if he's been gaining weight, for example, or he's struggling with some other area of his life and it's coming out in snappiness with her. You seem to pin this on her, but without being part of the couple, it's hard to say what really happens behind closed doors. Maybe he's a bit of tool to her, too. You never know. 

[Weezy1973]

I’d say this is more a symptom of a long term relationship that is both a first for both and while they’re still in their 20s. People change a lot in their 20s and I suspect this couple has just grown apart.

Normal stuff really, and probably not due to her insecurities. 

[Foxhall]

Yes just looking at this through the eyes of one of my "friend girls",

good looking girl, decent job and all that and from the outside the chap she was dating seemed to be getting a good deal, older guy looked like chance of younger woman had passed him by and seemed to have hit the jackpot to many observers,

however the girl has her insecurities, she would constantly whine about work issues, constantly talk in a negative manner in a sense of being jealous and bitter towards others, constantly moan about what she did not have,

dating three years they appeared to be heading down the isle and she was happy, however one day out of the blue he broke it off with her,

I guess her general negativity proved too much for him regardless of her other attractions.

[Miss Spider]

Oops I just want to correct and say that a lot  were major depressives ... not manic so much.  Not important, just wanted to correct...

Edited May 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[deepthinking]

I can feel insecure or secure depending on if I know that the man really likes me or is just marking time. 

If a man is enthusiastic enough, with pretty compliments, I won't feel insecure. But if I know deep down that he sees me as average, well, nobody would feel great. Insecurity is remedied by compliments. True story.

[Miss Spider]

Hey .. also I’ve noticed with some rships, guys like a little insecurity? It’s not really me to be jealous, , but I’d sometimes pretend to be insecure when a girl would hit on my guy because he would say he thought it was “cute” and that he liked when I was “possessive“ ... So I’d joke I’d smack a bish, because it made him smile. Guys are weird. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[OatsAndHall]

My gf has some glaring insecurities and it made me wonder if we'd make it, early on. But, I did my best to assuage those insecurities and they don't rear their ugly heads much anymore. Not only has she grown more secure in our relationship, she also recognizes it when her insecurities are coming out and she keeps things in perspective. Don't get me wrong, I bring my own baggage to the relationship but we've weathered a few storms and stayed together because she's actively working through her insecurities. We wouldn't be together if she wasn't.

[Hopeful30]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, I am not sure where you got that idea. Some women, sure. Every woman's? No. I know some secure women who would not be turned on by this idea. 

Some men are fine having an insecure woman, because it feeds their own insecurity - a need to be needed, wanted, depended upon. Sure, there are plenty who would balk, but he's been there quite a while. He's obviously getting something out of it too. 

I don't think you have enough information here to assume his seemingly annoyed tone with her is due to her insecurity, specifically. That could contribute to it, of course, but there are plenty of other possibilities too. Maybe he's been feeling down on himself if he's been gaining weight, for example, or he's struggling with some other area of his life and it's coming out in snappiness with her. You seem to pin this on her, but without being part of the couple, it's hard to say what really happens behind closed doors. Maybe he's a bit of tool to her, too. You never know. 

My original suspicions doubled when we were hanging out in a group and I asked a question about whether he misses his home country. His response surprised me, especially because he said it so casually in front of others. He said, "I would have built a better life there and would be happier." (His gf snapped at him in that moment and told him he should be happy here. That's when the rest of the group changed the subject.)

Backstory: he came to Canada for school, then they met and moved in together. Shortly afterwards, they bought a place (mortgage) and have been here since. From what she told me, his family doesn't like her as they feel she is using him for money. I don't think this is the case, though, he simply makes more so supports them both. She works odd jobs to stay busy. 

 

[lurker74]

Insecurity takes many forms but generally, yes, people (not just men) get tired of it. It becomes a burden to constantly have to reassure. To have to walk on egg shell. About a year ago, I was madly in love with a woman that for our entire relationship was insecure. Accusations of cheating, not wanting me to have things outside of her, the works. But when she wasn't acting insecure, she was everything I could ever ask for...intelligent, kind, funny, by far the sexiest woman I've ever been with, but it just became too much. She was, for a period of time, my everything. But the insecurity eventually outweighed even that. So if my experience is any guide, yes, we get tired of it.

[DearingFrau]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:55 AM, Hopeful30 said:

Forgive my bluntness, but isn't it every woman's dream to have a loyal, supportive man to be slutty for?

Nope.  But we do like to be intimate with our partners.  It sounds like they have other issues, and maybe that's why they're not super interested in sex at the moment.  Also, I wouldn't be so super concerned about someone else's relationship.  Every relationship is different, and if you're trying to learn something from this couple the only thing you should learn is that you need to be very communicative and attentive to your partner and work out your issues.

A lot of men are also insecure, so I wouldn't assume it's the woman's insecurity.  She has always been this way and he married her.  So obviously he liked her and committed himself to her way before these issues began. Unless he thought she would change, which is the worst reason to marry someone ever.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

My original suspicions doubled when we were hanging out in a group and asked a question about whether he misses his home country. His response surprised me, especially because he said it so casually in front of others. He said, "I would have built a betteI ar life there and would be happier." (His gf snapped at him in that moment and told him he should be happy here. That's when the rest of the group changed the subject.)

I mean, can you blame her for feeling hurt by his response? That wasn't a very mindful thing for him to say, especially in front of others. 

Are you interested in this guy or something?