do men eventually get tired of their insecure girlfriends?

[some_username1]

On 5/21/2020 at 5:13 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

I've seen many couples where one person seems to have a lot more to offer in the dating/relationship market than the other person. It's not uncommon to see couples where the man is much stronger in terms of looks, fitness, education, ambition, drive, money, stability, etc.

Maybe it's a male thing to feel inclined to rescue these weaker women, or maybe those men are insecure and enjoy feeling needed by a more dependent partner.

Whatever the reason, I've definitely observed this pattern.

Particularly in the online dating field men can’t leverage who they are. Without sounding arrogant I get told all the time that I’m funny, intelligent, handsome and charming and that I’m a cut above the vast majority of men on the likes of Tinder, but because online dating is a visual medium the fact I’m a good all rounder gets lost in the noise and so I always seem to end up dating women where I feel like the balance of power is in my favour because the women are falling over themselves to compliment me and they act like they have struck gold with me.

In general most men will be dating down on online dating because as a medium it favours women.

To answer the OP’s point, yes insecurity is very unattractive and not sustainable, for me at least. I was dating a great girl last year but her fragility and fear of being alone eventually turned me off and I had to let her go. Confidence is sexy.

[Miss Spider]

9 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

My original suspicions doubled when we were hanging out in a group and I asked a question about whether he misses his home country. His response surprised me, especially because he said it so casually in front of others. He said, "I would have built a better life there and would be happier." (His gf snapped at him in that moment and told him he should be happy here. That's when the rest of the group changed the subject.)

Backstory: he came to Canada for school, then they met and moved in together. Shortly afterwards, they bought a place (mortgage) and have been here since. From what she told me, his family doesn't like her as they feel she is using him for money. I don't think this is the case, though, he simply makes more so supports them both. She works odd jobs to stay busy. 

 

thats kinda a d*ckish thing to say lol

[Mrin]

Yes. Insecure women wear me out. 

[alphamale]

if i had a nickel for every insecure and anxious girlfriend that i dumped i would have $0.85

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

She works odd jobs to stay busy. 

His family is right-- she is with him because of his money... because she can't support herself on her own income nor does she have the focus of a career.  She's basically a grown dependent. That's why she wants babies--to further nail him down.

I'll bet dollars to donuts that if she had a career or her own business to focus on, he'd have a completely different spin on his life and happiness. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he doesn't sound so awesome himself. Sometimes broken people just find one another.

But yes, people do sometimes get pretty lax and start taking one another for granted over a period of time, especially if they didn't respect one another much from the beginning. 

You don't really know what's happening behind closed doors. He may actually have picked her for those very qualities you're looking down on. He may be so insecure that he needed a woman he felt would never leave him.

They are at that seven-year (approximately) itch. 

[Miss Spider]

Agree... the more you talk about this guy, the more I think she may actually be too good for him xD 

[scooby-philly]

Okay - let's stop bashing each gender please. I can line up 1,000 broken women and a 1,000 broken guys, each broke, imperfect, or impossible to build a real relationship with so cut the crap.

And yes, we could use some more information from the OP regarding the couple, their behavior, and their communication chief among them. Unfortunately we know that the OP is not actually in the relationship in question so we will probably have even more limited knowledge/perspective than in a standard thread when someone is talking about themselves and a relationship they are in. 

Additionally, there's no harm in inquiring about opinions on the situation if the OP is honest and fair in her presentment of the situation and shares exactly what she knows if she's either trying to help them, learn more about relationships to apply to her own life, and generally wants to learn - as long as she doesn't interfere with a bias against one and leaves them anonymous on here. If you disagree with that then please don't brag that you've taken psychology courses or make references about relationships your current partner or ex had before/after you because you're no different than this person.

 

OP, 

Without asking you to fill in details you may not know and recognizing you're not there for every minute of their relationship nor were you there (especially with him as he's foreign born) for one or both of them for every minute of their formative years. So we have to make certain assumptions and/or through in some caveats in our analysis. 

The first thing you shared is probably (not guaranteed) to be the biggest thing. If they hooked up Freshmen or Sophomore year of college and have been together since - and then moved in together at some point without having any other relationship experience, that may be the main cause of their problems. As other posters have said - 18-25 is a really formative period. People change, they grow, they suffer their first adult setbacks, their first deep heartaches, start their careers, etc. Not that every relationship that forms during that type period is doomed. It's not. It just a natural time of experimentation and change that no one actually can control. 

Now - if one or both grew up without a solid family or role models of a healthy, communication based, emotionally honesty, vulnerable, and sharing relationship and/if something or multiple things happened to them so that they partially or completely shut down their emotions and can't open up, that only adds another layer of complexity to the situation. 

Add to that potential mix, the fact that it sounds like the guy is trying to spice up their sex life and is being accommodating (based on your description alone) and supportive while being told no constantly and yes, he could be getting sexually frustrated which could be adding to any overall frustration he's feeling with her pattern of insecurity (again, your assessment). Now, not every woman wants to wear lingerie or to be given lingerie by their partner. BUT...it's not wrong to buy some for your partner either. The problem may simply be their sexual compatibility which is now getting mixed in with her insecurities. This is pure supposition. But... 18-25 should also be a time for sexual exploration. Especially if you stay in a long-term relationship with someone over years. Now if they both try different things and realize they're both pretty bland - then so be it. And he may be bland but just trying different things to help her feel better about herself or increase their sexual frequency if her insecurities have been harming (maybe psychologically only) her libido or just her ability to say yes to sex. For the "average" couple (again, their will be variations on the spectrum) that wants to have sex 1-3x a week on average every encounter doesn't need to be "porn worthy". But if it's always the same - over and over again - if one partner is kinkier than the other or trying (or think they're trying) to spice things up, yes - frustration will set in. 

Now - his recent change in behavior and things like gaining weight, etc. maybe be the cost of her constant insecurities driving him to feel like 'why am I putting up with this" or "i thought my life would be different" - and if he has any sort of insecurity himself, those things going on - her not making him feel wanted (which all guys want - just some more than others (and yes, sometimes guys do go after the "lesser" girls to make themselves feel better unfortunately) (and guys, we know women do it too so stop any thought of women hating right now), and whatever ways her insecurities might come out in the relationship and/or her behavior/words may be pushing him towards mild depression or feeling alone since he's the country by himself without family/childhood friends from the way you describe the situation. Now, a mature man would realize he needs to own his feelings, recognize what's going on and either not get affected by her or change things. And that's not to speak ill of her, but she may need to simply be on her own for a while to learn she's awesome and sexy and figure live out and then find someone else great for her. 2 "great people" doesn't mean they'd make a "great relationship". 

And going back to the part about the lingerie - for anyone trying to bash the guy - read the OP's words...the girl in this situation shared it and shared that we was too insecure to wear it....which implies (if the wording is true) that she would potentially like to, but doesn't. So I don't pick up any sleazy attempt on the guy's part here (again, based on the OP's words). And anyone looking to attach the woman - STFU. Even as a dude I know about all the pressures women in today's society feel. So if she didn't grow up with a family that taught her body health, if she was teased at some points in her life or made fun of, even the most beautiful woman can be made to feel ugly if beaten down enough. And the OP says she's seen this guy's efforts to meet the gf half-way, so all-in-all it could be simply they're both inexperienced, he's too scared to make tough choices and keeps dragging on and she's too scared to start addressing her flaws and they're just not right for each other right now. 

 

OP,

To the point of your original question - yes, men can get tired of a woman's insecurities just as a woman can get tired of a man's. So much though depends on numerous factors about the individuals and the relationship dynamic. And yes, a lot of women (not not all, and maybe not a "majority") like being slutty for their guys - it depends on the woman's sexuality and her attitude towards it. And if she doesn't that doesn't make her less, weird, "different", etc. And wanting a little sluttiness doesn't make an average guy a male pig, retarded, backwards, or regressive. Now generally, you'll find more insecure women in relationships because 1. they will put up with things or not have the courage to simply say "you're a  great guy, but we're not compatible" 2. guys are often not confident and if they weren't the QB in HS as we say here in the USA - they will feel insecure (this is a hypothetical) and even a 50 yr old man that's in great shape, great career, great home, great person, could feel he's unworthy of love or not a good "catch" if the circumstances are right...and 3. insecure and insecure people together (like anxious and axious or avoidant and avoidant attachement styles) don't tend to last - 4. Insecure men (even if it's just a little bit) often get dumped by secure women. 

The only example I can think of from my life to share with you is actually my last relationship. I will be painfully honest. I'm 38. In a little over a month I'll be 39. Outwardly - I'm semi a "good catch". I make 100,000 a year plus 10k in bonus, I have a great career, I founded a run a non-profit group, I'm family oriented, I'm pretty funny, down-to-earth, decent sense of humor, hardworking, forgiving, kind, generous (to a fault sometimes), and I know what my weaknesses, flaws, problems are. And no, I'm not perfect by anyone's stretched imagination, including myself. But...I live with my parents. I was born with a major birth defect on my face, that while repaired, I was tease mercilessly as a kid. And in HS it was absolutely cruel. I grew up with my dad's mother in the house and she wouldn't let me play sports and none of the 3 of them encouraged to me to stay fit/active and to a lesser degree than other people, I've used food on/off throughout my life as a coping mechanism for loneliness, pain, etc. So I'm a bit out of shape again and need to drop 30 pounds. My parents were hard workers by emotionally immature and stunted themselves and didn't have friends or a social life. And my grandmother being shamed based and controlling and a victim, didn't encourage me to have friends. Now that I broke out of in HS and College and my parents tried to battle her as much as possible, but they had their own s*** to worry about so I stopped going to them at like 12 or 14 for the emotional stuff and buried it - for about 14-18 years. I clung to friends, to adults (teachers, coaches, etc.), and developed a "I'm smarter than you" attitude and looked down on everyone else even while I wasn't that bright and also wasn't that nice and was an emotionally closed off, shame based, scared "little boy". I entered the seminary at 22 not because I was religious (i have faith) but because by 22 I had given up hope for being able to date a woman and it seemed like maybe this was my "calling". It wasn't. I was finally free to start speaking my heart and my mind about a lot when I left at 28. Took me close to two years to get life straightened out, find a solid job (as it was the beginning of the last recession 11 years ago) and start dating and believing in myself. I am a good catch. I am not perfect. But I can be the right person for the right woman. About 3 years ago, after 2 years of being single after a relationship thankfully ended (note to others - if you think the person you're dating is a psychopath, there's a test (though it's never actually used in mental health) for it which you can find copies of online....and they probably are to a certain extant lol), I found myself getting to know someone. We met online. I was 36, she was 22. And okay - don't give me crap about the age difference - I get it now. Anyway - she was amazing at first. I thought she was mature. I thought she was a hard worker and studied a lot. I thought she was smart. I though she was sexy as hell. Definitely the sexiest woman I've been in a relationship with. She didn't party, she didn't drink, and she was starting a good career and was in school to start an advanced degree. We have a few arguments her and there, but generally speaking the first 7-8 months were great. Then.....it started to unravel. Her parents didn't want her dating so while my family knew, hers did not. (yeah, i know - why stick around for 2 years in that setup....i know...lesson learned the f'ing hard way. If I brought up just discussing when she might tell them, she'd shut down. And yes, I know now I should have walked away solely for that reason. Hold on! She didn't party, because she didn't have any friends. She didn't party because she wasn't allowed to have a social life after 6pm unless it was school/work related. Of course, the fact that she over 18 and "sneaking around" should have told me something about her character. Okay - further stuff - she was capable of learning, and she wasn't dumb, but she wasn't as smart as she thought she was as she had gone to pretty crappy run-of-the-mill schools all her life when we aced (h.s. valedictorian) things simply because she paid attention and was average smart. She had no prior dating experience before me. Her dad was an enable, her mom a bitter, angry, victim, who was money hungry, status hungry, and they had no social life. She has insecurities about her body (even though again, she was SEXY as hell) and wasn't into exploring sexually. She had self-harm issues (threatened me with it several times) and on several occasions threatened me with abandonment - 2x on a vacation - 1x on my birthday. Now, I'm not here to cry "oh poor me". Over the heartbreak and so many insights now. I'm sharing this because I can see so much of her and I and our relationship in the situation you described. No matter how much I reassure my ex, was patient, kind, loving, supportive positive, etc. she still had a hole in her soul. The sex, which started out good, went bland - partly because of the constraints on the relationship, but partly because she wasn't really into anything and also never initiated. But I was a fool for staying...because my ex simply wasn't ready for a real adult relationship and I knew that. I stayed out of fear - fear of feeling like a failure after another failure, fear of losing the affection she showed me. Fear of looking up and realizing I'm late 30's now and am still single and have no children while friends, co-workers, others younger than me who are terrible parents or terrible people get that stuff and make it look easy. (and yes, I know appearance are often deceiving and there's not morality test for procreation or even matrimony, i'm just sharing what my heart feels sometimes). And I feared losing someone who have become my best friend, even though I sacrified a lot to keep the relationship going and to even just make it possible given her limitations. I was stuck "dreaming about the future I wanted" instead of living life and building steps to that future now. And as time wore on, my insecurities, my past shame, a lot of it crept back in because of the way she treated me and the way I was unable to free myself of the relationship and realize that leaving wasn't making me a bad man or mean, or anyting like that. Leaving and eventually trying to become just friends with her would have been the best thing for both of us. Because no matter how much of myself I saw in her, no matter how much I did, no matter how nice, kind, giving I was, she started wearing me down and then got disinterested in me as I became insecure, and beacuse she was not ready to tackle herself and her own flaws, let alone confront her parents and change her personality, so nothing I did would have worked because I wanted something completely different than her. So OP - a LONG STORY short - it sounds like your friends here have a lot of personal growth to do and that's okay. As I said earlier in this response, great people can just turn out to be bad for each other. There's nothing wrong with his wants/needs and there's no shame in her having insecurities - if she's trying to work on them, which she isn't right now. So they should probably at least seek some personal therapy and then do some couples' therapy but the best thing may be for them to part ways amicably and stay out of each other's lives for a while and then see if the can start by just rekindling things as friends. They both deserve and are probably looking for what the other person can't give them.

I know a young couple (mid 20s) who have been together for 6 or 7 years now. They are each others first real relationship and have been living together since one month together. The woman is quite insecure (evident in her actions, behaviours and how she expresses her insecurities) while her boyfriend is accommodating, makes good money (supports her) and quite good looking. This is a shared opinion among the group. (Both great people though!)

Recently I have noticed his behaviour and tone have changed towards her. He has gained a lot of weight (says he has no motivation to get fit despite his nagging girlfriend), has an annoyed tone when speaking with her, and from her end, suspicions of cheating and lack of attention (could just be her insecurity though). 

I am curious if his behaviour is a reflection of him getting tired of the relationship? She is pushing for kids which I'm not sure is a good idea, although that's none of my business.

She has made comments about how he offers to buy her sexy lingerie (oh how I wish a man would sex me up for him, good lingerie is expensive!) but she is too insecure to wear it. Or sexy activities and games that she refuses. I see he makes effort, and she is too insecure to meet him half way.

Forgive my bluntness, but isn't it every woman's dream to have a loyal, supportive man to be slutty for? I am curious if her deeply engrained insecurity is partly responsible for these changes in her boyfriends behaviour? 

I am curious for my own sake, because as far as I'm concerned, even when you adhere to traditional gender roles, you still need to meet each other halfway when it comes to sex and intimacy. Curious if men eventually get tired of insecure women? Although evidence points to the contrary, all the insecure women I know are in relationships. 

[Hopeful30]

10 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

A lot of men are also insecure, so I wouldn't assume it's the woman's insecurity.  She has always been this way and he married her.  So obviously he liked her and committed himself to her way before these issues began. Unless he thought she would change, which is the worst reason to marry someone ever.

Do you mean common-law? They are not married.

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I mean, can you blame her for feeling hurt by his response? That wasn't a very mindful thing for him to say, especially in front of others. 

Are you interested in this guy or something?

What causes such carelessness? It raises my curiousity about her role in the relationship. At least from the outside, she has it golden. Financially, she has more liberties, travel and investments with little to no effort. This includes a man who supplies this, who loves her and she him, and he treats her very well. (From what she shares with us, anyway.) I suppose it rubs me the wrong way because I've been single for years and she doesn't appreciate how good she has it. Then a drastic change in effort (on his part) becomes curious 🧐

It never hurts to explore our understanding of relationships 🤷‍♂️ might come in handy, seeing how desire that kind of lifestyle/relationship as well.

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

His family is right-- she is with him because of his money... because she can't support herself on her own income nor does she have the focus of a career.  She's basically a grown dependent. That's why she wants babies--to further nail him down.

I'll bet dollars to donuts that if she had a career or her own business to focus on, he'd have a completely different spin on his life and happiness. 

It's not the what in their relationship, it's the how. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

What causes such carelessness? It raises my curiousity about her role in the relationship. At least from the outside, she has it golden. Financially, she has more liberties, travel and investments with little to no effort. This includes a man who supplies this, who loves her and she him, and he treats her very well. (From what she shares with us, anyway.) I suppose it rubs me the wrong way because I've been single for years and she doesn't appreciate how good she has it. Then a drastic change in effort (on his part) becomes curious 🧐

That's impossible to say without knowing him personally. 

You appear to want to paint her as the problem here, but given the sort of thing he said in front of other people about being happier back home? I'm not sure he's necessarily the Golden Boy you think he is, either. You don't know how he treats her when it's just the two of them; there may be plenty she doesn't share with you. So while you're on the outside, assuming she doesn't appreciate him, the real dynamic is something only they know. 

Is there a reason you assign most of the blame to her? I know you say you're curious, and I get that, but I also wonder if you have a crush on him yourself and are hoping he might become single sometime in the near future. 

[elaine567]

There is a saying "You don't know what goes on behind closed doors" and that is often very true.
You are jealous, you see this woman who you feel is beneath you, living a wonderful life with this great guy when the truth is she maybe pays a very high price for the privilege.
He may indeed be hell to live with, who knows?
Maybe that little dig about not being happy is the real him, day in day out...

[Hopeful30]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

There is a saying "You don't know what goes on behind closed doors" and that is often very true.
You are jealous, you see this woman who you feel is beneath you, living a wonderful life with this great guy when the truth is she maybe pays a very high price for the privilege.
He may indeed be hell to live with, who knows?
Maybe that little dig about not being happy is the real him, day in day out...

True. Outside perspective is only outside perspective. He doesn't appear to be this way at all though, at least since our social group developed. On the contrary he is positive thinking and ambitious. And you're right, I feel envy. I recognize my value as a woman, wifey, and partner in life. I suppose since i haven't (yet) met a man who can offer similar things makes me slightly irritated. I don't think she is beneath me, we are all equals in this game called life, however I do feel she has it easy (again, outsider perspective).

I guess it's a hard pill to swallow that some people have it easier than others. I am others in this case, which fuels my desire to understand how an insecure woman has the love and loyalty of a man with these qualities. I would love to know how to find this type of relationship, because so far, working on myself, loving myself, and getting up on my own two feet, has not been attracting men to match. I've travelled the world, I'm educated, I pull my weight financially, emotionally, and everything else. Yet women with seemingly little to offer reap the benefits of the kind of relationship I only dream of. I'm nearing 32, I've done lots of work on myself yet the quality of men I attract has not changed. It hurts, you know? I deserve love, too. I have spent so many years becoming my authentic and true self, yet here is this woman who has the kind of relationship I can only dream of yet she doesn't appreciate what she has. It makes me feel bad about myself. Must I become insecure and financially dependent to find love? Are men really unattracted to a woman who makes her own way in life and feel she is somehow less fragile and in need of affection? It hurts.

Edited May 23, 2020 by Hopeful30

[contel3]

Maybe it's just me, but I think there's way too much emphasis (in general) being put on how important it is to be self-sufficient, independent….it's like being needy is the kiss of death for a relationship. 

I mean, of course it's not optimal, but compared to what else you can put up with: abuse, cheating, narcisism, addiction, mental/physical diseases, neglect…..just doesn't seem like such a mayor flaw. 

[contel3]

1 minute ago, contel3 said:

Maybe it's just me, but I think there's way too much emphasis (in general) being put on how important it is to be self-sufficient, independent….it's like being needy is the kiss of death for a relationship. 

I mean, of course it's not optimal, but compared to what else you can put up with: abuse, cheating, narcisism, addiction, mental/physical diseases, neglect…..just doesn't seem like such a mayor flaw. 

 

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

 It hurts, you know? I deserve love, too. I have spent so many years becoming my authentic and true self, yet here is this woman who has the kind of relationship I can only dream of yet she doesn't appreciate what she has. It makes me feel bad about myself. Must I become insecure and financially dependent to find love? Are men really unattracted to a woman who makes her own way in life and feel she is somehow less fragile and in need of affection? It hurts.

This isn't about you…...I know how you feel. I know people who have despicable character traits (like mean, rude, dishonest, abusive….) but they have great partners who love them….. And I just don't understand why. It does feel unfair. But I guess finding love isn't about how great someone is. You can do everything right, be a fantastic person and still be single. Sometimes there's no other reason than you not having met your match yet. Sadly, especially for women there's this narrative that if you can't find a man there must be something wrong with you. Don't make this think less of yourself!

 

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I deserve love, too. I have spent so many years becoming my authentic and true self, yet here is this woman who has the kind of relationship I can only dream of yet she doesn't appreciate what she has. It makes me feel bad about myself. Must I become insecure and financially de

I am sorry you feel this way and I’m not trying to marginalize that, BUT... might you need to start by reassessing what you consider a good relationship? I mean if you are just looking to be some well-off  guy’s  trophy , then I’d say that there’s nothing wrong here except being secure and financially independent is not necessarily your priorities should lie... 

But if you’re looking for a loving and supportive relationship between equals..  So far you’ve said the guy doesn’t have any desire to stay in shape, is short tempered towards her in public, pressures her to do things she doesn’t want to for his own sexual gratification, essentially said he would have been happier had he never moved to the US and met her, etc. She also suspects him of having a wandering eye. Lol.. how is this in any way a dream relationship .. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Els]

There is far too much about this relationship that you don't know, especially since you don't even seem to be a close friend to this woman. Our guesses will all be completely conjecture at this stage, so I don't really see the point in making them.

Insecurity can kill relationships, sure, but so can things like different goals in life, sexual compatibility, and a bunch of other things that seem like potential issues here. Could be one of them, a few of them together, or something completely different. For all we know the guy has depression. Who knows.

[Miss Spider]

18 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Okay - let's stop bashing each gender please. I can line up 1,000 broken women and a 1,000 broken guys, each broke, imperfect, or impossible to build a real relationship with so cut the crap.

And yes, we could use some more information from the OP regarding the couple, their behavior, and their communication chief among them. Unfortunately we know that the OP is not actually in the relationship in question so we will probably have even more limited knowledge/perspective than in a standard thread when someone is talking about themselves and a relationship they are in. 

Additionally, there's no harm in inquiring about opinions on the situation if the OP is honest and fair in her presentment of the situation and shares exactly what she knows if she's either trying to help them, learn more about relationships to apply to her own life, and generally wants to learn - as long as she doesn't interfere with a bias against one and leaves them anonymous on here. If you disagree with that then please don't brag that you've taken psychology courses or make references about relationships your current partner or ex had before/after you because you're no different than this person.

 

[...]

Yeah..I have a bit of a different perspective based on the information.

 

Youngish couple. In fact, most people who marry meet in that college age time. 18-25. In a YUGE marital study, The Ring, it was found that first marrying anytime after 26 is actually the prime time.  It found 26 and after increases marital longevity, increasing with the older you are at time of marriage. However, marital satisfaction was higher near the lower end of scale(younger) for 1st married people. I have my own theories on that, but that's another can of worms...

 

I agree buying her lingerie isn't the problem. I would not call it my " dream", but I'll deal with it for as long as it takes to come off.  I think most of us just do it for the man. Yeah, it makes us feel sexy, but like, if men weren't on Earth, would more women be at home wearing $800 agent provocateur bondage like get-up or some cotton high top out of a $5 bag of fruit of the loom ..

Nay, it is not the problem itself. But the OP says he "tries to buy her". Trie(s), as in plural....as in she already said she didn't want to at least once before..If someone doesn't wish to wear lingerie for any reason, that should be respected or find someone else. I'm not saying he is a bad person or anything, but he's suggesting this woman to do all this stuff sexually for him and she's rejecting it, I'd say she's less 'insecure' than we may think. I would argue a lot of truly insecure women would do it, nevertheless, to keep the man around...

The fact she's willing to speak her mind in opposition to his about a lot of thing implies she might be more secure than a lot of women...I think more men find that sexy than they'd like to admit....but anyway.

I don't think sexual frustration excuses publicly disrespecting a partner by giving annoyed responses.  Too many people think this ok and it's not. Gotta keep your attitude in check.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a matter of fact, I have the backing of 2 (read: two ) psy 101 - b classes that I took in undergrad. Anddd I got an A in both,  Thank you very much !/sarc

Edited May 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[scooby-philly]

44 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah..I have a bit of a different perspective based on the information.

 

Youngish couple. In fact, most people who marry meet in that college age time. 18-25. In a YUGE marital study, The Ring, it was found that first marrying anytime after 26 is actually the prime time.  It found 26 and after increases marital longevity, increasing with the older you are at time of marriage. However, marital satisfaction was higher near the lower end of scale(younger) for 1st married people. I have my own theories on that, but that's another can of worms...

 

I agree buying her lingerie isn't the problem. I would not call it my " dream", but I'll deal with it for as long as it takes to come off.  I think most of us just do it for the man. Yeah, it makes us feel sexy, but like, if men weren't on Earth, would more women be at home wearing $800 agent provocateur bondage like get-up or some cotton high top out of a $5 bag of fruit of the loom ..

Nay, it is not the problem itself. But the OP says he "tries to buy her". Trie(s), as in plural....as in she already said she didn't want to at least once before..If someone doesn't wish to wear lingerie for any reason, that should be respected or find someone else. I'm not saying he is a bad person or anything, but he's suggesting this woman to do all this stuff sexually for him and she's rejecting it, I'd say she's less 'insecure' than we may think. I would argue a lot of truly insecure women would do it, nevertheless, to keep the man around...

The fact she's willing to speak her mind in opposition to his about a lot of thing implies she might be more secure than a lot of women...I think more men find that sexy than they'd like to admit....but anyway.

I don't think sexual frustration excuses publicly disrespecting a partner by giving annoyed responses.  Too many people think this ok and it's not. Gotta keep your attitude in check.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a matter of fact, I have the backing of 2 (read: two ) psy 101 - b classes that I took in undergrad. Anddd I got an A in both,  Thank you very much !/sarc

Well to your first point, yes, that was my point - their age and lack of dating experience is probably the main factor/issue with what's going on. And not knowing anything of their personal stories makes it really tough to provide any sort of accurate response. But generally speaking, yes, most couples that meet (and marry) that young nowadays don't last.  

To the point about the lingerie - I think we cannot assume anything based on the poster's choice of tense or their use of singular vs plural. Not everyone writes that well and not everyone, when posting for advice, goes back to check their initial writing. Now if he is constantly trying to do different things repeatedly and she says no - like with the lingerie, then yeah, he needs to learn to respect her and her opinion/decision. Now perhaps that means they're not sexually compatible, but yeah, no means no. However, we have no solid evidence to support it other than the poster's choice of a plural word. And there's no proof that she isn't insecure. If the poster and other mutual friends of this couple agree that she is, then we have to take that on face value. I'm not trying to bash her but I get the sense that you want to subtly make this guy out to be a creep or male pig, which we have no evidence of. And insecure woman do wear lingerie, but other insecure women do not, just as secure women do and secure women don't. It depends on the woman's nature as a sexual being and her own interests, kinks, inclinations, experiences. And "speaking her mind" by rejecting him (perhaps only once) and an attempt to liven up their sex life doesn't mean he can't handle a secure women or is trying to keep her insecure. Again, we're subtly back to trying to bash this guy instead of focusing on the "facts" "as presented" in the post. 

Now, I was multi-tasking when I responded yesterday and forgot to address the public disrespect. For whatever reason, it does not matter, you're right - there's not reason to do that and it's not right. This man needs to learn how to not let their problems as a couple slip out in a social setting and he needs to talk both positively of her and the relationship (and his life) if he wants to be in a healthy, loving, supporting, and mutual giving relationship. There's no excuse for embarrassing her like that and there's no excuse for the way he treated her in that instance. I think for this guy moving forward, he needs to really focus in on what he wants and what he needs in a relationship. If he's that totally frustrated by her insecurities and that's impacting their sex life, his weight/eating habits, and his overall happiness, then he needs to work on himself and then decide what he wants out of life and out of a relationship. And the woman does too. No one can fix all of their problems, that's not possible. And even the most astute and spiritual person can miss one or two of their flaws - after all, we all have blind spots. But the underlying problem here (again, based on the scant information provided by the poster) (and I'm happy to provide different, better, more focused advice if we ever get more information) is we have a young couple - a woman with insecurities and a guy that's getting frustrated. She's potentially (P O T E N T I A L L Y) afraid of being by herself or leaving what she may know is a relationship where she can't give him what he wants/needs and a guy that's probably feeling along and isolated and trying (perhaps the wrong things at time) to find a "cure" for the relationship's problem who's afraid of ending things (for what reason, who knows unless we find out more) and the reality is they're both probably in need of a little time alone and time to sort themselves out and then getting into a relationship with someone new that's a better fit for who they are and what they want.

And yeah - I appreciate the sarcasm. My point wasn't that no one could respond...just that people were questioning why the poster is posting about this at all, and as others have said, it's okay to occasionally inquire about relationships/situations other than our own as it adds to our understanding of the world and ourselves, so I wanted to tease people a bit because at some point, even when talking about our own stuff, most of us have referenced an "ex" or someone else in our lives not germane directly to what we're sharing, so don't shut down this person's curiosity as if it's inappropriate.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

And you're right, I feel envy.

This thread reads like you're putting her down in order to make yourself feel better.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I've travelled the world, I'm educated, I pull my weight financially, emotionally, and everything else. Yet women with seemingly little to offer reap the benefits of the kind of relationship I only dream of.

Little to offer?  You have no idea what this woman has that made him want her to be this lifestyle.  It probably has nothing to do with being needy or insecure but she obviously touched him in a way that others have not and cannot.  The only benefit I see her reaping is the love of a man who saw and felt her enough to want to take care of her.  Some men love to take care of their women as it makes them feel masculine.  Maybe that is why she wants to marry and have his babies.   Most men don't care that a woman isn't well traveled, highly educated or financially independent.  They care more a femininity, looks and her nature.  I agree with Basil that you sound like you're putting her down to make yourself feel better.  Maybe you should stop talking to her because you are certainly no friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

This thread reads like you're putting her down in order to make yourself feel better.  

That's how I'm reading it, too. 

OP, do you really consider yourself a friend to this woman? Because the more you write, you sure don't sound like a friend. 

[Hopeful30]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

This thread reads like you're putting her down in order to make yourself feel better.  

To each their own 🤷‍♂️ 

[basil67]

It's a bit mean on your side though.  She's done nothing to you to deserve such criticism.

[IndigoNight]

My son is dating someone who is insecure.  It has caused most of the problems in their relationship, and he is getting ready to break up with jet over it.  

Shop, yes.  Men get sick of a womans insecurities. Women also get fed up when their man is too insecure too. 

[Els]

On 5/24/2020 at 6:28 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I agree buying her lingerie isn't the problem. I would not call it my " dream", but I'll deal with it for as long as it takes to come off.  I think most of us just do it for the man. Yeah, it makes us feel sexy, but like, if men weren't on Earth, would more women be at home wearing $800 agent provocateur bondage like get-up or some cotton high top out of a $5 bag of fruit of the loom ..

Nay, it is not the problem itself. But the OP says he "tries to buy her". Trie(s), as in plural....as in she already said she didn't want to at least once before..If someone doesn't wish to wear lingerie for any reason, that should be respected or find someone else. I'm not saying he is a bad person or anything, but he's suggesting this woman to do all this stuff sexually for him and she's rejecting it, I'd say she's less 'insecure' than we may think. I would argue a lot of truly insecure women would do it, nevertheless, to keep the man around...

The fact she's willing to speak her mind in opposition to his about a lot of thing implies she might be more secure than a lot of women...I think more men find that sexy than they'd like to admit....but anyway.

I don't think sexual frustration excuses publicly disrespecting a partner by giving annoyed responses.  Too many people think this ok and it's not. Gotta keep your attitude in check.

Can't speak for anyone else, but I definitely wear lingerie for myself. 😄 Not on a daily basis obviously, just whenever I feel like it. It's a huge turn on!

But I agree with everything else that you're saying. Tbh, from the OP's posts, I'm kinda feeling like this guy is behaving like a bit of a douche. If you're so unhappy with your "insecure" girlfriend, then fine, break up. It's not an excuse to push her into doing sexual things that she doesn't like doing, and it's not an excuse to talk down to her in public constantly. I think the OP has a very rose-tinted view of the guy due to her jealousy, that doesn't really take into account his fairly obvious shortcomings.