Who calls who

[DearingFrau]

Hi everyone - I’m from the US and I’m in an LDR with a man in the U.K. We’ve been together for 10 months and he flew to see me for two weeks in February. We’ve had visits planned throughout this year (March, then June, July), but because of Covid I don’t think we’ll see each other until I go there in July to spend a month with him.

I’ve discovered he is very insecure and whenever he worries about how we’re doing or I want to talk about something he spirals into this negative thought pattern and I have to reassure him.  It does get tiring, but I haven’t minded because I love him. In addition to this, he frequently wants to move faster than I want, so we’ve worked hard to find a comfortable middle ground where I make the effort to move things along and he makes the effort to not put pressure on me. We have had some fights about it but we do usually work it out.

The reason I mention this is that in the past he has texted me good morning every day and made sure I always had a wake up text. It was so sweet. He’s five hours ahead so this was more practical for him to do. But he wouldn’t ever call first. 

As time went on he sometimes wouldn’t text or call for awhile in the morning because he didn’t want to wake me up, bother me, smother me, etc. which I appreciated. But it’s exhausting to me to always be the one to say good morning. And then if I get busy or don’t feel like talking first thing (not a morning person), he feels like something is wrong in the relationship and makes comments like “I don’t want to put pressure on you.” Sometimes they sound passive aggressive and I feel he’s trying to make me feel bad.

Ive also told him that I need him to initiate calling and texting more. I’ve actually begged him to because it would alleviate some of the issues we’ve been having. Not all the time, just some of it. I’ve also tried to let things just be natural and text or call him good morning some days and wait for him other days, but those other days turn into weirdness. This has taken all of the fun out of our relationship.

And I think I’ve freaked him out to where he’s afraid to put too much pressure on me.. but the only reason I had to affirm my boundaries was because he was moving too fast. It seems to be a cycle we are stuck in.

How is it that we are fighting over such a silly thing as saying good morning? It feels so stupid.

Thanks for the advice.

Edited May 21, 2020 by DearingFrau
Spacing

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?

Well, your post is about communication. Not something silly about who says good morning first. 

1. He started and continued to text you good morning every day w/o fail, correct?

2. You have a fight, you know he is insecure, and he begins to give you reasons of his tapering off by indicating to you that he didn't want to wake you (a text?), 'bother' you, 'smother' you...but, they were not his concerns before the big fight. Right?

3. I feel that his insecurity is at a high right now. I suspect that he is backing off in a way to get you to reassure him of your dedication to him. Passive aggressive men (people) tend to do things like this. They will wallow in self pity accompanied by insecurity and spitefully get back at their partners by trying to dish out what they feel they have been wrongly given. 

4. You do say that you LOVE him. If no response from him, I would call ONCE and leave at least a message of your objective concern, but do not compromise yourself. You have set boundaries, so keep them, but let him know that you are thinking of him. Let him, then, make the next move. 

How far along are you in the planning phase? Moving to him or he to you? 

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

LDRs are tough - especially across continents and especially during unprecedented times like these. I think @Gr8fuln2020 hit the main part of the nail on the head with their points 2 & 3. Now I'm not saying this guy is passive aggressive or even just showing some passive aggressive behavior. We'd need a lot more information about his entire pattern of behaviors to make those observations. But...the point about his "insecurity" being high is probably true. If you're not familiar with the 5 Love Languages....look it up. My first initial impression, based solely on the limited information and context you provided - is this guy could have an anxious attachment style where he's constantly afraid of where the relationship stands. Now that forms for a variety of reasons, so it's not always easy to address. And he could be only partly anxious, but the good morning debate could be dialed right into the areas of the relationship where he's anxious. Of course, being LDR on different continents only adds to that anxiety. If you love him and want to continue with him, look into that, find a safe way and time for you two to site down together before July and you doing there in person to video chat and have a meaningful discussion. And perhaps you can consider clearly, gently, and reassuringly lay out things for him - like breaking down a recipe for a complex dish into 1,000 different steps. Tell him what you want - him to initiate 1-2x a week, him to know that it's okay to accidentally call you and wake you up, before 11am your time don't expect much of a response since you're not a morning person, etc. But at the end of the day he's also got to own his anxieties and amend his behavior some. So give him some clear ground rules and if he can't play by those, then you have a more intense decision to make....

[DearingFrau]

On 5/23/2020 at 7:28 PM, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Just out of curiosity, how old are you two? I'm 34 and he's 35.

Well, your post is about communication. Not something silly about who says good morning first. 

1. He started and continued to text you good morning every day w/o fail, correct? Yes.  He came on very strong in the beginning and I was used to him initiating this.  I could either respond or not respond, and he'd wait patiently for me to text or call back. He was definitely trying very hard to impress me and create chemistry.  It got to the point where I thought he was a catfish or trying to woo me and scam me.  That turned out not to be the case, but it was a problem early on in our relationship.  He has since chilled out, but we still have these issues crop up.

2. You have a fight, you know he is insecure, and he begins to give you reasons of his tapering off by indicating to you that he didn't want to wake you (a text?), 'bother' you, 'smother' you...but, they were not his concerns before the big fight. Right? No, they were not a concern.  He would send me texts like, "Hi, I know you're sleeping, but I just wanted to tell you I love you and good morning. Can't wait to talk to you later." Etc. Now he is being careful not to lay it on too thick.  I think it was because we've had issues where I told him I felt smothered and scrutinized.  It turned out he was just desperate to make sure he didn't "lose" me and has told me in hindsight he realizes this was dumb.

3. I feel that his insecurity is at a high right now. I suspect that he is backing off in a way to get you to reassure him of your dedication to him. Passive aggressive men (people) tend to do things like this. They will wallow in self pity accompanied by insecurity and spitefully get back at their partners by trying to dish out what they feel they have been wrongly given.   This is exactly what's going on.  It has gotten to the point where I can't bring up a concern or issue in the relationship without him spiraling into a tirade of how I don't love him as much as he loves me, or that I'm trying to "dial us back" or that I really am going to just lie and say I want to be with him when I really don't. None of which are true, except I do have to dial back sometimes when he comes on too strong or expects some huge commitment that I'm not yet ready for.  We've had very serious conversations about this, and I feel like we're in a place now where we understand each other.

4. You do say that you LOVE him. If no response from him, I would call ONCE and leave at least a message of your objective concern, but do not compromise yourself. You have set boundaries, so keep them, but let him know that you are thinking of him. Let him, then, make the next move.  We talk every day.  I usually wait until mid-day or evening if I don't hear from him 3x a week, and the others I will say good morning as soon as I wake up. 

How far along are you in the planning phase? Moving to him or he to you? We had visits planned throughout this year, but since those have all fallen apart due to COVID19, I'm planning on going there this summer for a few weeks and seeing if I like it there.  Then I plan on coming back and getting ends tied up here, and planning a permanent move.  If COVID prevents me from coming back, or it looks like there will be a spike in the winter months, I might stay with him for a few months through the holidays and plan my permanent move from there. 

 

[scooby-philly]

Be extra careful. Sometimes with highly anxious people they will "cut the chord" first to prevent getting hurt. Right or wrong, you do not want to find yourself in a position where you moved exclusively or primarily because of this relationship only to find yourself single. I think the smarter move would be to postpone any move until you and he work things out better and he's got a plan in place and taking active steps towards, and following for several months, being more secure in the relationship. 

[DearingFrau]

On 5/28/2020 at 6:01 PM, scooby-philly said:

Be extra careful. Sometimes with highly anxious people they will "cut the chord" first to prevent getting hurt. Right or wrong, you do not want to find yourself in a position where you moved exclusively or primarily because of this relationship only to find yourself single. I think the smarter move would be to postpone any move until you and he work things out better and he's got a plan in place and taking active steps towards, and following for several months, being more secure in the relationship. 

Thanks Scooby.  You are really right. I have been on my guard since the beginning of this relationship, with it being long-distance and all and given his behavior which I've always thought was strange.  He has broken up with me twice after fighting.  The second time I thought it was for good, but that fight was my fault.  In hindsight, I gave him a good reason to kick me to the curb when he shouldn't have.  But both times he immediately tried to repair the relationship and we got back together. So I am really hitting the brakes on this, and I think that is putting stress on him instead of giving him the space he needs to sort himself out.  He has said more times than one that I am his last chance at true happiness and he'll never love anybody like he loves me... which I think he thinks is sweet, but I've told him that is a really strange thing to say when he's trying not to put pressure on me.  I will proceed with caution.

Edited June 1, 2020 by DearingFrau

[scooby-philly]

On 5/31/2020 at 11:17 PM, DearingFrau said:

Thanks Scooby.  You are really right. I have been on my guard since the beginning of this relationship, with it being long-distance and all and given his behavior which I've always thought was strange.  He has broken up with me twice after fighting.  The second time I thought it was for good, but that fight was my fault.  In hindsight, I gave him a good reason to kick me to the curb when he shouldn't have.  But both times he immediately tried to repair the relationship and we got back together. So I am really hitting the brakes on this, and I think that is putting stress on him instead of giving him the space he needs to sort himself out.  He has said more times than one that I am his last chance at true happiness and he'll never love anybody like he loves me... which I think he thinks is sweet, but I've told him that is a really strange thing to say when he's trying not to put pressure on me.  I will proceed with caution.

You hit the nail on the head. That's not a gesture of love. It's a gesture of shame riddled with low self-esteem and lots of other crap. PLEASE be careful.