What should I do

[Jojoruby12]

Myself and my partner have been together since we were 15 we are now 29 and 30 so 14 years.

we have two beautiful children aged 2 and 7 and were due to get married in July until I found messages between him and his supposed best friends girlfriend! They were awful, I love you’s were exchanged aswell as him telling her he was dying to be with her. Fast forwards I find these messages I give him a choice if you really love her and want to be with her go but dont come back to me when you realise the grass isn’t greener. He was adamant he wanted me and that he was in love with me(I know right like really!) and that she was convenient for him when he needed extra money she would give it to him and so he carried it on because she was basically making his life more comfortable (whilst I didn’t know about it anyway).

anyway I decided to give him another chance he blocked her number and blocked her on all social media, she stayed with her boyfriend, although their friendship is beyond repair obviously. This week this girl and her boyfriend have split so I go and check that her numbers are still blocked they are but I see she tried to ring my partner 3 time’s the day her partner left her and then she text him saying I need you he didn’t know about these until I told him as she’s blocked so it was filtered. Now I feel like I’m back at square one and she’s after my fella again, he says he doesn’t want her, he wants me he says if he wanted her he would have gone when I found out, also says he’s terrified of losing me. He still had contact with her brother which he says he’ll cut completely as he wants to be with me.

my question is obviously at the moment I don’t trust him he has to rebuild that, I can’t help feeling like he’ll eventually leave me for her even though he’s adamant it’s me he wants. As mentioned we have children we couldn’t just completely cut ties but there’s no way I’d allow my children around that vile pathetic excuse of a women! 
advice please!!  What would you do?  

[kendahke]

Video ex taceo: "I see but say nothing".

For the time being, I'd wait and observe.  Give him the opportunity to prove he's a man of his word, but let him know in no uncertain terms that she isn't allowed near the children, not allowed in the house, the car--anything which you and your babies live in, ride in or use.  And let him know that the truth never stays buried--they will be seen and that truth will come to the light of day for all to see at the moment when he can least afford it and he will lose everything by his own selfishness and hand.

And I'd postpone the wedding and make sure you have what you need to make sure you can survive and thrive with your children.  

Let him prove all his hot air about not wanting to lose you--you don't need to prove anything.  

But at the end of the day, if you can't trust him, why are you with someone you can't trust?

Edited May 21, 2020 by kendahke

[Jojoruby12]

23 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Video ex taceo: "I see but say nothing".

For the time being, I'd wait and observe.  Give him the opportunity to prove he's a man of his word, but let him know in no uncertain terms that she isn't allowed near the children, not allowed in the house, the car--anything which you and your babies live in, ride in or use.  And let him know that the truth never stays buried--they will be seen and that truth will come to the light of day for all to see at the moment when he can least afford it and he will lose everything by his own selfishness and hand.

And I'd postpone the wedding and make sure you have what you need to make sure you can survive and thrive with your children.  

Let him prove all his hot air about not wanting to lose you--you don't need to prove anything.  

But at the end of the day, if you can't trust him, why are you with someone you can't trust?

Because we’ve both in invested soo much into this relationship and he said she was around when he was feeling stressed and vulnerable and he didn’t want to stress me further. I want to see if I can rebuild the trust xx

[ExpatInItaly]

You might be able to rebuild the trust, but you also need to look at what kind of man you have here - he took  money from her? What for, and how much? He's basically telling you he exploited her feelings for him to get money out of her. 

He might not have physically cheated, but you need to think long and hard before making a lifelong to commit to someone who admits they treat people this way. It's a very poor reflection of his character. 

[Jojoruby12]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You might be able to rebuild the trust, but you also need to look at what kind of man you have here - he took  money from her? What for, and how much? He's basically telling you he exploited her feelings for him to get money out of her. 

He might not have physically cheated, but you need to think long and hard before making a lifelong to commit to someone who admits they treat people this way. It's a very poor reflection of his character. 

I completely get what your saying!! It does reflect so badly on him and he knows this! He had a very bad motorbike accident in 2018 just before our youngest child was born, he hasn’t been able to work since then. We were really struggling for money, we got by but only just not that I’m excusing this type of behaviour at all because I’m not but I’m not totally sold that it was about that I think he loved the fantasy of it all but probably if what he’s saying is true didn’t want the reality. Wedding has been cancelled from the time I found the messages.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Jojoruby12 said:

I completely get what your saying!! It does reflect so badly on him and he knows this! He had a very bad motorbike accident in 2018 just before our youngest child was born, he hasn’t been able to work since then. We were really struggling for money, we got by but only just not that I’m excusing this type of behaviour at all because I’m not but I’m not totally sold that it was about that I think he loved the fantasy of it all but probably if what he’s saying is true didn’t want the reality. Wedding has been cancelled from the time I found the messages.

I don't think so, either. I think he used her for money, yes, but I also believe he does indeed have feelings for her. 

This isn't a stand-up guy, Jojoruby. He was at minimum engaged in an emotional affair with his best friend's girlfriend, and taking her money. That says bad things about him on a number of levels. He's exploitative, self-serving, dishonest and disloyal. My guess would be that he's only revealing what he cannot plausibly deny in the face of evidence, but I would bet my last dollar that there's much more to this that you haven't discovered. He's already shown you he can't be trusted to be honest so I wouldn't assume that what you found is all there is to know., sadly. 

I would also be very concerned that if it hadn't been her, I would have eventually been someone else. He's emotionally quite checked out from your relationship to have let something like this happen. That is a real cause for concern, because even if he stops talking to her, it doesn't necessarily mean he's invested in you again. He might not want to shake up the "stable" life he's built with you but his actions show you pretty clearly that his heart isn't really with you.  You really need to sit down and think about whether you want to commit to this for a lifetime, and he needs to do the same. 

Do you know how much money he took from her, and whether he has any intention of paying her back?

[kendahke]

On 5/21/2020 at 2:45 PM, Jojoruby12 said:

he said she was around when he was feeling stressed and vulnerable and he didn’t want to stress me further.

 

On 5/21/2020 at 1:49 PM, Jojoruby12 said:

They were awful, I love you’s were exchanged aswell as him telling her he was dying to be with her.

when he needed extra money she would give it to him and so he carried it on because she was basically making his life more comfortable

so this is how he de-stresses and doesn't want to bother you with it?  No getting an app gig to amass the cash... taking money from his best friend's girlfriend.

No, this is how he deceives you and he didn't want to bother you with that. That's what this is about.

If you hadn't found the messages (and something told you to go look--what was it that prompted you?), he'd still be seeing her behind your back and probably planted a baby in her belly by now.

Edited May 22, 2020 by kendahke