Married men in affairs and covid lockdown

[TiffS817]

Hello, I’m new to this forum and am seeking for answers from married men who are currently in a long-term extramarital affair.  I apologize in advance if I had posted this in the wrong forum!

I’m a single mom, who has been in a secret relationship with my married friend for almost 2 years.  We are very connected in so many levels, both emotionally and physically.  I see him every weekend and knows his family very well.  I’m also friends with his wife and would never ever expect him to leave her, and as much as he complains about her, I would reassure him of her good side.  They have been together for 20+ years, just not connected romantically and intimately.  They are more like roommates. He says he loves her as the mom of his child, not romantically as a wife.  Sex is maybe once a year if any, they sleep in separate rooms.  I know because we always chat at night once she goes to bed, and I do go to his place to chill all the time as if we are just platonic BFFS.   I do not get jealous of his wife and I do care for her and he knows it well.  We both do love each other romantically, he wants more but he knows he can’t and he knows I won’t let him leave his wife.

And the fact that I know intimacy with wife is zero percent chance, so I’m ok with our situation.

So here’s the deal-  before lockdown, we used to chat over text whenever he’s free.  It could be morning when he’s in the office or night time after she goes to bed.  I can freely text him on our “safe” time to chat without feeling paranoid.  

We meet once a week to have our “couple time” from afternoon to late night.  It was amazing.

He also was not stressed out from work then.

Now- during covid lockdown, things have changed a bit in terms of communications.

Physically and emotionally, it remained somewhat the same (i think)? I still see him, he makes a very big effort to plan our meets every weekend even if I just go over to his place to hang out with him and family.   

Communications through texts-  first 2 weeks of lockdown, it was daily.  We can chat for hours.
 

After first 2 weeks, his work schedule got crazy and he’s started to get super stressed out.   His wife is also working late into the night, so I don’t even dare to text him at night to be on the safe side.  I told him that I will stop texting, unless he text me to chat.   So texting had went from daily to maybe 4 times a week (mon-Thursday), and I see him on weekends so no need to chat via text.   This lasted for about a month. 

Now-  we are almost 3 months into lockdown.  Texting had went from 3-4 times a week to 2-3 times a week.   Now it’s once a week, short conversation (less than an hour).   I still see him on weekends.  He tells me he’s been very stressed and work has been super crazy busy.

My question for married men who are having affairs:  

1) do you feel that you are reconnecting with your wife emotionally AND physically since the lockdown (if that was lacking beforehand)?

2) do you have thoughts of ending your affair after the lockdown because you are now spending a lot more time with your wife and perhaps realize what u have been missing at home?

3) should I ask him how he feels about us now and is it ok to ask if his intimacy is back with his wife? (During these stressful times)

I’m just so curious what goes on that it is driving me insane, but I don’t want to put more stress in him!

Thanks for reading my super long story, looking forward to replies.

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

It’s very possible that they are reconnecting during this lockdown, many people are growing closer because they are spending time together at this time. If you want to know how things are going in their home, perhaps you could ask his wife next time she has you over for dinner...

Edited May 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Sorry, I know this is not exactly what you have asked but your story has stayed with me this morning... it would absolutely destroy me to know that a woman who I had brought into my home, trusted as a friend, was sleeping with my husband. You need to stop going to their home. Have some respect for the woman.

I’m sorry, I know you are feeling the change in your affair and looking for reassurance. But, perhaps you need to take a step back and reconsider... this is not good. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

I don't fit the profile you requested for answers. However I'll note that my belief is that the time "cooped up" together will tend to intensify whatever is already there. So if at core they get along, they will get along better. If they genuinely hate each other/drive each other crazy, then this should in theory make it worse.

That's all in general (and just my pet theory) so there could easily be exceptions.

In your case, my guess is they will further refine their "roommate-ish" relationship and feel even more "neutral"/disinterested towards each other (if that's possible). But that's just a guess, and they could easily be reconnecting.

[Cookiesandough]

1. Depends on the couple. 2.. Don’t ask those questions. When have those kind of questions ever helped anyone when someone was pulling away. 

[pepperbird]

I can't say whether or not they're getting closer. For her sake, I hope they aren't.

[Luna66star]

You are wasting your time on a man who is unavailable.   The time and energy used to analyze him and the relationship with his wife could be put to better use in dating men who are single and ready for a real relationship with you.

Please put your focus on detaching from this unhealthy relationship.  Concentrate on your own hobbies, friends and family.  There is nothing substantial in this for you.  His decrease in attention screams of evidence that he is about to discard you for whatever reason - reconnecting with wife or another side chick.

 

[elaine567]

My guess he has pared it down to "the meets" and little else.
I guess the rest was fluff to keep you on board, and now he feels he doesn't have to do that as you are hooked so he has stopped it.
He is not leaving his wife so now he needs to manage risk, and getting caught texting you would be disastrous for him.
He has thus maximised the bits he likes, i.e. the meet, and has dispensed with the constant connection.
He gets what he wants, he has minimised the risk to himself and his family and you are still hanging on in there... perfect...
You are writing a "love story" in your head, he is getting extramarital sex, validation and attention... 
This is not an uncommon situation.
" 

[TiffS817]

I appreciate all the replies!  It was hard for me to do, but I know I need to do what’s right for the sake of myself, MM and family.  I had ended the relationship with MM.  Even though we agree to remain friends, I had requested no contact unless it is a group gathering.   It’s been a week since and feeling very depressed about it but I know I will get through it.  My current job also gave me an offer to relocate,  I am putting that into consideration as I do not want to step my foot back into the affair.   
 

thank you again everyone for the opinions.
 

 

[MIUI]

My guess is yes, they may be getting closer to each other now. More family bonding and husband and wife role. They may even started having sex.

 

My guess is he's only keeping you now for the sex and probably doesn't want to upset you which might ended up with you spilling the secret.

Maybe you could secretly ask the wife (when he's not around) how is her relationship with him now.

Then don't reply to his texts and don't meet up for a while - see if he will try to win you back. He's ignoring you because he don't need a side chick to talk to when he can't fall asleep.

[mark clemson]

On 5/31/2020 at 11:50 AM, TiffS817 said:

My current job also gave me an offer to relocate,  I am putting that into consideration as I do not want to step my foot back into the affair.  

That might also be wise from an emotional peace perspective as I believe making it "impossible" to see the other person tends to help one get over it emotionally as well.

[peachpie]

Tiffs817,

I suspect my husband and next door neighbor are having an affair.

1. I told her to stop texting him 1:1 in 2016. She was SOOOO apologetic and said out of respect for me and my marriage she would stop, but all of her texting friends were married men, and she was simply texting over household advice as far as paint, projects, etc. I believed her as I saw the texts, but I said I don't believe in opposite sex texting friendships. It's not right for our marriage. 

2. She is a "damsel in distress" ~ always needing my husband's advice even though she has a husband. The texting continued 1:1 for 4 MORE years in secret. I knew NOTHING about it as my husband hid it well. When confrotned, he was very convincing that she is a nuisance, and the texts were simply quick questions that he answered and deleted and didn't tell me to keep neighborhood peace because he knew how I felt about her. There were 181 exchanges in 16 months (that's as far back as the phone bill went). There were days where they texted 30 times, and weeks when they did not, but that's not to say she didn't reach him on private chats, at work and/or they caught up in person when he worked from home.

3. She pretended she was my friend all these years and asked about my marriage and sex life often. She said, "Men AND women need that sexual release, you know?" She then told me her husband saw her phone and she was "jokingly" sexting married men, but it was a fun release from her stressful life.

4. I confronted her last February when I discovered the continued 1:1 texting. This time, instead of apologizing, she is acting OFFENDED! "How DARE you insinuate ANYTHING?! You are WRONG and SCANDELOUS!" This happened 6 months ago, and she never apologized and she's been avoiding me ever since. . . Does this sound like an innocent friendship?

How would you react if YOU were caught? Would you play the offended card or would you apologize and try to prove innocence? Would you avoid her? Would you and he make a pact on how to react?

I am just curious.

Edited August 11, 2020 by matildag

[peachpie]

And this guy you are sneaking around with is no prize. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you.

 

since he is so sneaky, I bet he’s moved on to someone else.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

C'mon people,  TiffS   hasn't posted since May, and it isn't likely she is about to.