MW and MM

[santorini88]

I'm going be honest here, a lil background abt me, I'm a MW and involved with a MM. We both have family and kids. 

3yrs ago ::--

We started to know each other online ( happen to chat coincidentally) abt 3 years ago. 

Initially we only chat and share about our life, kids, family etc. 

As days goes by, we started to get to know each other better. We both have our unhappiness in our marriage. 

He has been asking me to meet him since the day we started talking but I never agreed to come out. 

He did not give up and continues to chat with me daily. We talked about everything. 

1 year down ( he had been persistent for 1 Yr) and I finally agreed to meet. We knew that we like each other and initially I refuse to meet is because I'm afraid that things will go further. 

YEAR 2 

But after 1 year of talking to him, I agreed to meet and yes that's how things started into a full blown affair. 

From year 2 to year 3, I try to end it 2 times but he just didn't want to let go. 

The reason why I try to end it is because I felt being used and I don't like being a 2nd option( so silly of me). During that time, he is also behaving like we are NSA. However he is very respectful and kind and nice. He never cancelled me last minute if we are agreed to meet and paid for our meals etc... Others than that, he did not do anything extraordinary, that makes me feel like I'm just a convenience to him. He has also mentioned, we hv each other so that we can go on and be happy with our marriage. I know is nonsense but that's how a lot of people would think this way. 

YEAR 3:---

However things change then I end it the 2nd time. I asked for break off, he agreed saying he respected my decision. I go full NC. In between he did text me to said he is not use to me not talking to him and try to hv little chat. I ignored. 

After 4 weeks he send me a text to wish happy new year, I replied ( urghhh I shouldn't have) and that's how we started texting again. 

However I made it clear that we won't be seeing each other anymore and he said he is happy to just being able to chat with me. 

5 weeks after we started talking again, we meet again. The feelings were different, is like he knew what it is like the life without me. I felt him being different like.. 

- he started asking a lot of things about me 

- now he remember all the little things I said which he did not previously 

- he started to show the act of taking care of me

- he cancelled his appointment to suit my timing 

And then come this lock down.. It has been 2 mths plus since we did see each other, however we text daily abt everything.

During this lockdown 

- He told me that he is not using me just to fill his void 

- He initiated contact 80% of the time. 

- His businesses got interrupted by this lock down and he has to plan an alternative which may affect the places of where he will be etc. And he actually factor me into his consideration ( and keep telling me he has put me into all his considerations) and he discussed his plan with me before announcing it to his staff officially.  This is something that I did not expect at all. I mean I did not see all these considerations before during the 2nd year. At that time, I felt I'm only at this convenience but now he plan things according to my needs. 

- He is more involved in what's happening in my life.. Example.. When he knows I have important online meeting.. He will text me around that time to remind me abt my meeting.. Not to be late etc.. 

I'm so confused now.. When I decided to be back together  (year 3),  I felt I'm weak bcoz I give in to a man that is clearly telling me we are NSA. But ever since we are back, I felt he change a lot ( as above). 

So I'm thinking, is he falling for me? I kept telling myself he is not. But his actions shows otherwise. 

I wish to ask men in this forum. What do you think about his actions? 

I have actually thought of leaving again.. 

[DKT3]

The question is what do you want? It doesn't sound like its being married to your husband so maybe you should spend some energy in dissolving that before you worry about what he wants. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by DKT3

[Starswillshine]

His actions show he is in love with you? Ma'am, he is married to another woman and spends his nights sleeping next to her. How does that sound like love? 

[Zona]

You need to resolve your own issues first before you worry about his. If your marriage is as bad as you claim, do your husband a favor and divorce him and work towards amicable co-parenting. Even though you probably think that your husband doesn't love you (likely as a way to ease your guilt), chances are if he finds out about the affair, he will be crushed, not just because you were having sex with another man, but because someone he trusted lied to him and betrayed him for years. What would your kids think about that, and how would that revelation affect your relationship with them? You have enough things to worry about in your own life without being hung up on MM's motivations.

My take is MM is saying/doing whatever he has to to keep you on the hook. I wouldn't read more into it than that. If you don't believe me, spend some time reading the stories of OW here who got the run around for years, including false promises about commitment that never materialize. It's almost universally true with a very few exceptions. Affairs are based on fantasy and reality rarely encroaches until things get real (affair is exposed).

 

Edited May 23, 2020 by Zona

[mark clemson]

Specific to your question about his actions, I think he cares for you at some level and is "showing it more" now. One view might be that this is one of the limited ways he is able to show that he cares about you (to some extent) during the lockdowns. A more cynical view might be that he is showing more attention purely in the hopes of re-starting the physical affair aspect.

Perhaps some posters will claim to know for sure it is one or the other reason, but of course no one can actually know that from internet posts. So I guess you'll have to decide which you think it is.

As for "falling for you", I suspect that if he was he'd be talking about ending his marriage, etc. Please keep in mind that on LS we hear about that sort of thing frequently. It is sometimes sincere, sometimes simple fantasizing, and sometimes a deliberate ploy to keep an OW around for ego gratification and sex. Actual leaving rarely happens, and for the affair to become an out-in-the-open LTR is rarer still. Much more likely is waffling and indecision, postponing, etc. Sometimes they leave but then go back, divorce but start dating, etc. Doesn't mean the affair becoming a LTR never happens, but it's a rare outcome among several possible ones.

No one has good statistics for this for obvious reasons but I hear estimates from 2-10%. My personal belief is it's closer to the low end of that scale (perhaps at 4-5%) but that is just a guess.

So if you're wondering if he is "falling for you" in the hope that he will leave his current wife and you and he can be together LT, well, to be realistic you shouldn't get your hopes up too high.

[pepperbird]

If you really want to know what's going on, call his wife. let her in on the big secret. If he's that unhappy, chances are she is too and that could be the push they need to pull the plug so they can both be happy with other people. Oh, and please don't use the excuse " I don't want to hurt them" as ma'am, that's already done.

[schlumpy]

All I'm reading is that you slipped out of the net and so he's trying a different approach to coax you back in.

Please consider that you could just be one of many on his email list.

Find out who this guy is for yourself and quit accepting who he says he is.