Shomes917 Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 Hi everyone, I just wanted an unbiased opinion on something that I’ve been going through for a while now. I was with my boyfriend for five years - three of them were long distance and we worked hard to be together. Our relationship was very genuine from both sides, but looking back, I realize that our anxious personalities and immaturity given our age made it quite toxic. Our breakup was messy and I didn’t see it coming. However, it has now been a year, and my ex and I have had healthy and balanced conversations about what went wrong and really worked to gain a solid understanding of everything. He also has been very sincere in his apologies, and has given me space to make my decision about wether I want to get back together. I really do, however I am struggling to move on from the past. I understand why things happened, how I contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, and I genuinely believe we have a much healthier relationship now given we have done a lot of work with therapy to understand our behaviors. However, I still feel hurt and don’t know how to rebuild trust. It’s even more difficult because he is my best friend, and during this pandemic he has been there for me every step of the way. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. Just please be kind and understand that this situation is very personal to me, so I would prefer to not hear the typical “get over it”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 If he's been there for you during the pandemic use that as the building block for trust. You say you have changed. If you really believe that then you should be able to trust the person he has become & is now vs. the anxious guy he was then. Since you also take responsibility for some of what went wrong. if he's willing to let you off the hook, then you must be wiling to give him the benefit of the doubt. Finally because you say you understand what went wrong last time, trust in yourself that you know how to spot the problems & deal with them so they don't blow up out of control & destroy your relationship. In the end you can't control him. You can only control yourself so it's really about how much you trust in yourself & how willing you are to stop living in fear. To achieve great love you do risk getting hurt. There is no way around that 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shomes917 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Share Posted May 22, 2020 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If he's been there for you during the pandemic use that as the building block for trust. You say you have changed. If you really believe that then you should be able to trust the person he has become & is now vs. the anxious guy he was then. Since you also take responsibility for some of what went wrong. if he's willing to let you off the hook, then you must be wiling to give him the benefit of the doubt. Finally because you say you understand what went wrong last time, trust in yourself that you know how to spot the problems & deal with them so they don't blow up out of control & destroy your relationship. In the end you can't control him. You can only control yourself so it's really about how much you trust in yourself & how willing you are to stop living in fear. To achieve great love you do risk getting hurt. There is no way around that Thank you for your reply; you did make some good points. I think I feel quite confused given I was so set on moving on because I genuinely didn’t think we’d ever get back together, and I did make the mistake of talking about it to friends because I needed the support, but now I have hesitations about how he fits into my life especially given my friends aren’t supportive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 38 minutes ago, Shomes917 said: I have hesitations about how he fits into my life especially given my friends aren’t supportive. Presumably your friends know you both. Opinions are like noses, everyone has one. My take on friend's & family's opinions about a relationship is this: if 2-3 people don't like your SO, it might be a personality conflict. Not everybody gets along. But when Everyone doesn't like or support your relationship, it's time to consider the possibility that they see flaws you are missing. If the nay sayers haven't had a chance to know the new improved version of your guy you have to discount their opinion because they don't have all the facts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shomes917 Posted May 22, 2020 Author Share Posted May 22, 2020 36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Presumably your friends know you both. Opinions are like noses, everyone has one. My take on friend's & family's opinions about a relationship is this: if 2-3 people don't like your SO, it might be a personality conflict. Not everybody gets along. But when Everyone doesn't like or support your relationship, it's time to consider the possibility that they see flaws you are missing. If the nay sayers haven't had a chance to know the new improved version of your guy you have to discount their opinion because they don't have all the facts. Yes, I completely agree with you. Having said that, my friends don’t really know him given we were long distance for a large portion of our relationship, and the friends that I have now I met after our breakup. Therefore, they only know him from what I’ve said, and at the time those weren’t very good things. So I can’t say several people have met him and dislike him, but rather they only know our relationship for what it was after we broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 Then their opinions are based on inaccurate info. You probably painted a picture of him as a monster. Nobody wants their friends to reconcile with a jerk but if he's not really that bad & you contributed the problems, what is the harm in trying again? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts