Kitsune22 Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 (edited) Hi I’m 35 years old (female) and I live with my husband (43 years old) of 2 years. We were friends for 18 years. Married life is good. We get on well with our respective in-laws, too. So I worked with this guy from June 2017 - September 2018. He is a senior employee and is just over 2 years older than me. He is single and lives on his own. He knows how old I am (because he asked and said I don’t look my age) and he also knows I am married. He is not a talkative person and mostly keeps his personal life private - but when we worked together he had been opening up to me a lot more when just he and I were alone, asking me questions like where I went for my holiday and where I stayed. He would then tell me which hotels he stayed in. Also when he and I have been alone he has come over to where I sit and sat with me and asked me for my number over social media but he didn’t tell me why he wanted it. He was not even my immediate manager. He also told me he’d been looking through my photos on my profile. One time he took me off for a chat, went somewhere secluded and the side of his body and his nearest leg was pressed up against mine. I found him really friendly and I guess he was worried about me at the time as I had self confidence issues. Another time one of my female work friends had a wardrobe malfunction in that the back of her dress ripped open. This guy, being quite senior, sent her home and later in the day made an inappropriate (derogatory) comment about her girth/size (she is quite a voluptuous lady) One of my male friends who knows him quite well has said this guy brings me up in conversation a lot of the time and he never speaks positively about anyone apart from me. He even helped me answer questions in an interview he was note taking in and had apparently appealed to his own manager to keep me as in take me on permanently. When I left for another job in the building he and I bumped into each other after work and he was asking me how I was. He held the door open for me to go first and he told me he didn’t want me taking incoming calls or leaving the building if my new assignment was to end. Unfortunately I have taken on a new job which does consist of me taking incoming calls and apparently he has not been happy finding this out. I interviewed to go back to his department when they had vacancies but I didn't get the job, now I do a job on the phones which I did get. Is he expecting me to just quit this job and have nothing to go to within the building since he objected to me getting such work and there was nothing else around at the time (and still isn't)? Throughout the previous assignment I took on I have noticed him in my peripheral vision checking me out. He invited me to his house for a Christmas pre party in 2018 (other people from work were there) and again in my peripheral vision I caught him looking down the back of my dress and he was almost pressed up against my back. After I helped myself to a drink I then spoke to one of my guy friends and this guy just stood there and watched us blankly. This year he asked my friends and my former immediate manager (his subordinate) where I work, who my boss is and also my full name. And of course my former boss wouldn’t question it because this guy is his superior. I have had him try to approach me on my own, checking me out, walking up right behind me and trying to touch me. Christmas party just gone he put his hand on my back when he passed me. I am in two minds about what to do. There is something confusing about the situation. I’m strangely not uncomfortable about it because I like him professionally...but I’m not seeing his private/personal side. He's a big guy - not overweight, just big-boned - so the fact that he seems quite strong can make him seem intimidating to some. I mean, he has a calendar in his house consisting of bikini clad models but I don’t look like any of them! Should I be considering taking some sort of action on this, if any? I mean, I do like the guy but I don't know what as! Thank you x Edited May 22, 2020 by Kitsune22 tidying up Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Kitsune22 said: Should I be considering taking some sort of action on this, if any? I mean, I do like the guy but I don't know what as! Thank you x Are you speaking of sexual harassment? You should document each inappropriate conversation and interaction. You should also be actively objecting to any advances. It would be good to be vocal where someone can overhear you. Never be alone with him. It's all very simple to do if you object to it. I suspect that he continues because he see's your nonreaction (you aren't reacting are you?) as encouraging. Do you like his attention? It won't help your case. I assume you know that a Kitsune is Japanese for a werewolf like monster that resembles a fox? I'm not sure what to make from that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 22, 2020 Share Posted May 22, 2020 Some of his actions are trying to make you beholden to him so he can get a sex payoff. He sounds like a creep to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 7 hours ago, preraph said: Some of his actions are trying to make you beholden to him so he can get a sex payoff. He sounds like a creep to me. ^^^^ yup! Protect yourself and your marriage from this guy. He's fishing for a side-chick and probably has a lot of practice at it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 I'm guessing you were enjoying the attention? and kinda lost yourself in it? Now you realize this is not kool? Now you find yourself in a situation with this guy. He seems to be getting aggressive/pushy about your new position that takes you out of his sight... He's a creepy jeepy. *shivers* The first step in addressing this is to stop him when he is doing it and tell him what he is doing makes you feel uncomfortable. For example, if he asks you to sit with him, sit opposite or away from him, if he insists you sit next to him, tell him no. If he stands in your space, just say "excuse me" and move away. Be firm. Never be alone with him again. Also if I were you I would block him on your personal phone. Second step: If it gets bad, report it. I hope you have someone you can talk to about this like an HR person. You will probably be the first to do it so it's gonna be a tough one to prove unless other women come forward with the same complains or have witnessed it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitsune22 Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 On 5/22/2020 at 8:17 PM, schlumpy said: Are you speaking of sexual harassment? You should document each inappropriate conversation and interaction. You should also be actively objecting to any advances. It would be good to be vocal where someone can overhear you. Never be alone with him. It's all very simple to do if you object to it. I suspect that he continues because he see's your nonreaction (you aren't reacting are you?) as encouraging. Do you like his attention? It won't help your case. I assume you know that a Kitsune is Japanese for a werewolf like monster that resembles a fox? I'm not sure what to make from that. Thank you. I am not aware of what Kitsune means. The reason I am not reacting to it is because I thought he was friendly and I was sexually assaulted as a child. I thought because he is being friendly with me it isn't sexual harassment. I don't like or dislike his attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitsune22 Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 On 5/23/2020 at 3:59 AM, Zona said: ^^^^ yup! Protect yourself and your marriage from this guy. He's fishing for a side-chick and probably has a lot of practice at it. Thank you for this. Haha side-chick! Never heard of that one before Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitsune22 Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: I'm guessing you were enjoying the attention? and kinda lost yourself in it? Now you realize this is not kool? Now you find yourself in a situation with this guy. He seems to be getting aggressive/pushy about your new position that takes you out of his sight... He's a creepy jeepy. *shivers* The first step in addressing this is to stop him when he is doing it and tell him what he is doing makes you feel uncomfortable. For example, if he asks you to sit with him, sit opposite or away from him, if he insists you sit next to him, tell him no. If he stands in your space, just say "excuse me" and move away. Be firm. Never be alone with him again. Also if I were you I would block him on your personal phone. Second step: If it gets bad, report it. I hope you have someone you can talk to about this like an HR person. You will probably be the first to do it so it's gonna be a tough one to prove unless other women come forward with the same complains or have witnessed it. Hi there smackie9 and thank you for your advice. I didn't know what to make of the attention to be honest. I have been groomed in the past, but as a child. I consider myself to be highly unattractive, because at school that was what I was considered to be. What I don't understand is what he finds so attractive about me, if he does find me attractive at all! I don't have anyone I can speak to and apparently he is friends with the HR/recruitment people as well. In terms of other women coming forward, the only woman I can think of who has said anything negative about him is someone who is supposedly friends with my mum - I thought that was great because then I would be friends with her. Wrong. She made my life working for her so, so miserable, and she described this guy as a complete f****r. I thought "how can that be, he is always polite and friendly" and I just didn't see it. She never warmed to me as a person and the day I left working with her she turned all of the rest of her team on me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) You "seem" really naive. I'm not sure if its because you are, or because you're slowly moving your boundaries because there is some sexual attraction for him and you're trying to deny you're aware of it. So let's simplify this, he wants to have sex with you, you can either continue this foolishness and stay on this path to giving him what he wants or cut him and it off. I suspect you will do the former all while acting confused about his intentions right up until it happens. Edited May 25, 2020 by DKT3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Kitsune22 said: What I don't understand is what he finds so attractive about me, if he does find me attractive at all! He's a predator. They seek out the weak by sizing you up, and see step by step your behavior towards him. You liked him professionally and you didn't object to his subtle advances that lots of women would object to. Yes your vulnerability could stem from your childhood, and you fell right into it again. So if you have no support you have to avoid all contact with him when possible, and make a remark for him to stop if you find yourself in one of those situations with him. If it gets bad, find another job and remove yourself completely...last response is to tell your husband. You shouldn't carry this burden on your own. Edited May 25, 2020 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
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