Everyone dislikes my favorite cousin's wife. We all love him though.

[GiveAndTake]

My boyfriend and I hang out with my cousin and his wife quite often. We are all middle-aged people. They’ve been married about 12 years and we’ve been together about 11 years. But we only started hanging out with them as couples about three years ago. Anyway, my cousin is the nicest guy in the whole world. Everybody loves him. His wife however, almost everyone that meets her, dislikes her.. She’s rude, loud, and downright obnoxious.
We have get-togethers at my house all the time with many friends and family members on a regular basis. My New Year’s Eve party, she approached a friend of mine from out of state that she had never met and told her she’s way too old to wear that dress! This behavior is just typical of her. I almost think she imagines the rudest thing she can possibly say to somebody, and then goes around the room saying it. She thinks it’s funny. She actually laughs after being rude.
I have said to her that she’s being rude. She just laughs and walks away. 

I deal with her because I love my cousin. He used to get mad at her and now I just see him roll his eyes when she acts like this if he notices at all which most of the time he does not. I’m afraid if I go to him, we won’t get to see him at all anymore. He’s very private and sensitive and it would hurt him if I told him nobody liked his wife.

 Every single weekend we go to dinner with them. We travel all the time with them. they love to travel and so do we. There’s no way I can plan a trip without including them. 
 

The problem at this point is, we have other friends and family members that we enjoy hanging out with. Recently, we are trying to plan a trip overseas with four or five couples. Every one of them that I throw the idea out says they would love to go but only if she won’t be going.
 

There’s no possible way I can exclude them. They practically ask me weekly when is our next trip?
our circle is getting smaller and smaller because of her. I’m not sure how to handle this anymore.
 

[schlumpy]

Does she act like this with anyone or just with family or at family events? How is she in a public setting?

Most people adapt to the family they marry into. If you care about this, I would look into her background. Her family culture may be a constant battle of words that are not taken seriously. She has different set of etiquette rules. To give in to pressure to modify her behavior in the presence of her husbands family suggests that she comes from a lesser background.

I agree with you she should be able to change up depending on what social situation she is in, but this is family and not a public situation. Difficult to walk away from family.

Observe her behavior in other social situations and think about lowering your discourse to her "level."

If she sees some understanding from you, it may change the whole dynamic.

 

[preraph]

There are only two ways to cope with it.  One is to not let her get away with her rudeness and publicly dress her down for it so that what she has to look forward to next time she is rude and laughing is to get it right back and have everyone laughing at her instead.  I mean, they all hate her, so whatever you say back doesn't need to be all that clever but just loud enough that everyone chimes in and supports you.  Like maybe "Did anyone besides me think Matilda's remark was rude and uncalled for and not funny?"
 

The other is the logical, which is DO stop inviting her.  Do let your cousin know she's unacceptable to have around and that's why.  Stop inviting him too.  

[GiveAndTake]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Does she act like this with anyone or just with family or at family events? How is she in a public setting?

Most people adapt to the family they marry into. If you care about this, I would look into her background. Her family culture may be a constant battle of words that are not taken seriously. She has different set of etiquette rules. To give in to pressure to modify her behavior in the presence of her husbands family suggests that she comes from a lesser background.

I agree with you she should be able to change up depending on what social situation she is in, but this is family and not a public situation. Difficult to walk away from family.

Observe her behavior in other social situations and think about lowering your discourse to her "level."

If she sees some understanding from you, it may change the whole dynamic.

 

She acts like this everywhere. She’s rude to waiters. She screams for no reason during a normal conversation right in he middle of a crowded public restaurant or any place. Everyone stares. 

[GiveAndTake]

9 hours ago, preraph said:

There are only two ways to cope with it.  One is to not let her get away with her rudeness and publicly dress her down for it so that what she has to look forward to next time she is rude and laughing is to get it right back and have everyone laughing at her instead.  I mean, they all hate her, so whatever you say back doesn't need to be all that clever but just loud enough that everyone chimes in and supports you.  Like maybe "Did anyone besides me think Matilda's remark was rude and uncalled for and not funny?"
 

The other is the logical, which is DO stop inviting her.  Do let your cousin know she's unacceptable to have around and that's why.  Stop inviting him too.  

Last time we were in Europe, there were 10 of us eating in a restaurant and she started getting loud and rude. We were with my boyfriends family that just met her. I was rude back to her several times. She ended up in the lobby crying. I knew it was because of me. I figured I’d take the opportunity to confront her behavior. I went to the lobby. She lied and Said she didn’t feel well. I asked if I upset her, she said no. She refused to talked about it. I decided it wasn’t the time or place to push it. Everyone was uncomfortable with the whole situation. 
2 other couples on that trip made it clear to me they won’t be vacationing anymore if she’s invited...ugh 

it’s going to crush my cousin if I exclude them. I’d like to have lunch with him alone but she doesn’t let him out of her site. 

[preraph]

She was in the lobby crying to make people feel sorry for her and for no other reason. She's been a rude person for that long that she knows that's the only way to control some of what other people feedback to her behavior. I would simply tell people this is what she always does if you say anything back to her, she goes and tries to get sympathy by crying. I mean it's such a predictable ploy. 

 

If there's any female in your family that you think your brother would get mad if his wife made her cry, you could conspire to just turn it right back around on her and have them run out crying because they were hurt at what she says. And just see if he has a spine at all to deal with her. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by preraph

[basil67]

Why would it crush your cousin?  Surely he's aware that his wife is obnoxious and that others may not want to be around her?

All of our choices have consequences - including his.

Edited May 26, 2020 by basil67

[GiveAndTake]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why would it crush your cousin?  Surely he's aware that his wife is obnoxious and that others may not want to be around her?

All of our choices have consequences - including his.

Because he knows she’s tough to put up and I think he’s already lost so many other couple friends and family. We are very close and I can handle his wife. It’s just that most others cannot. 
I get the feeling he’s relieved to be able to have someone that doesn’t abandon him because of her. 

[MsJayne]

Has she ever been to see a therapist? Because she sounds like she may be borderline PD, or worse.  A very telling sign is when someone insults other people but is unable to recognise that their behaviour is unacceptable and that insulting someone in a joking tone makes it no less of an insult. If she's so offensive that other people are dropping off the invite list it's time to stop inviting her.  I doubt she will ever change, because the crying-in-the-lobby business is also indicative of something wonky in her head. This is a method of deflection used by those who commit social crimes and can't face up to being held accountable, they also will feign illness to avoid confrontation.  I'd stop inviting them places and if you're questioned just be honest, everyone but him thinks she's a public nuisance and an embarrassment. I'm wondering why he puts up with her - she must go off like a box of rabid frogs in the sack 🤔😂

 

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, GiveAndTake said:

Because he knows she’s tough to put up and I think he’s already lost so many other couple friends and family. We are very close and I can handle his wife. It’s just that most others cannot. 
I get the feeling he’s relieved to be able to have someone that doesn’t abandon him because of her. 

Yet knowing this, he chooses to stay with her.  People walking away from him are the consequence for his choices.   

Those people who walked away didn't 'abandon' him, they used boundaries as to what behaviour they will have in their lives.   How much more of her can your own boyfriend take?  What if he gets to the point of refusing to see them?

I think part of what leaves you torn is that you believe he's somehow a victim here.   

Edited May 26, 2020 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

I wonder why such a nice guy (your cousin) would be with a person like that?  Do you feel that she is controlling over him or something?  Does he take on a submissive role in the relationship?  Why does he put up with it?

[amaysngrace]

Just wait for the divorce and you can all tell him how you never liked her anyway.  

[Acacia98]

Your cousin's situation is a bit tricky. If it turns out it's an emotionally abusive relationship, it's not ideal for people to completely withdraw from interacting with him. That would isolate him completely.

So all I can do is tell you what I would do: I would stop inviting them to events that involve interacting with other people. I'd definitely stop including them in trips. I would invite them to visit us at home for dinner or something like that: it's the kind of low-key thing that doesn't involve other people. And it's brief. You don't have to spend days on end with them. And most importantly, you can still be loyal to him by not completely shutting him out. If they ask you why you haven't invited them for the trips and other group stuff, you should be honest. Tell them that her behavior antagonizes people and creates a lot of stress and tension, and it just doesn't seem fair to keep sacrificing the enjoyment of many people to please just one person or one couple. 

On the whole, I would say everyone here gets to make choices and should therefore take responsibility for them. She's obnoxious, she pushes people away. So she has to live with the fact that people don't want to spend time with her. For whatever reason, he has chosen to stay with her and to socialize with her, so he has to understand that, when she antagonizes people, it will have an impact on his friendships. You cannot shield him from this fact. Nor should you. He's not a baby. And you don't have to be confrontational about letting them know. Just be frank when they ask you.

I have to say, though, you don't seem to know your cousin very well. I say that because you don't seem to understand why he would be with such a woman in the first place and why he would stay with her. So I would suggest you also spend some time trying to understand their dynamic in greater depth. 

[Ellener]

On 5/25/2020 at 9:56 PM, GiveAndTake said:

I can handle his wife. It’s just that most others cannot. 

I think the secret to difficult people is being kind and assertive, although there is a subsection of people who behave the way they do to control or even hurt deliberately. 

If she's doing that then most people are ultimately going to set big boundaries.

But if she's just socially inept and loud and irritating you can lead the way in showing other people how to deal with her- kindly and assertively.

I have a friend like this woman, she's kind underneath but she has such big opinions and overall negativity she's exhausting. And fun sometimes, and kind like I say, though I'm sure a lot of people won't go so far as to uncover it!

[Ellener]

Oh, and does she behave rudely in public because she's drinking alcohol? If that's a factor plan alcohol-free events.

[Pumaza]

maybe you turn a blind eye at your cousin by imagining he still that little cousin.

He is a grown man. He is more times with his girl so he sure know better then you how stupid she acts.If you say you are close to him, you should be and have a honest freindship.

Where you can just tell him in a polite way. And call oit the girl to that people dont like her around because of how she acts.

She seems like she got issues. Maybe by telling her the truth she starts seeking help.

No one is a baby here. neighter are you or your cousin. Speak as adults.

And sure you can plan many trips without them.

Just be honest talk it out. A relationship built on fake behavior is not a real one.

So be honest in a loving way.

 

ps : you sound a bit obsessed with your cousin....

 

[Pastypop]

Here’s the deal.  She’s a jerk.  However; you have to force yourself to be nice, welcoming and cordial to her. You will need to be friends on social media and invite her to stuff.   If she feels slighted or unwelcome in anyway, she will play the victim and eventually cut your cousin off from the rest of the family.  A lot of people  have horrible women like this join the family.  The family treats them like crap, thinking nothing of it.  Then Poof, there’s a huge blowout and the family member rides off into the sunset with the jerk.  She’s been his wife for twelve years so she will probably be around for a long while. Good luck!! 

[healing light]

On 5/28/2020 at 3:23 AM, Acacia98 said:

Your cousin's situation is a bit tricky. If it turns out it's an emotionally abusive relationship, it's not ideal for people to completely withdraw from interacting with him. That would isolate him completely.

So all I can do is tell you what I would do: I would stop inviting them to events that involve interacting with other people. I'd definitely stop including them in trips. I would invite them to visit us at home for dinner or something like that: it's the kind of low-key thing that doesn't involve other people. And it's brief. You don't have to spend days on end with them. And most importantly, you can still be loyal to him by not completely shutting him out. If they ask you why you haven't invited them for the trips and other group stuff, you should be honest. Tell them that her behavior antagonizes people and creates a lot of stress and tension, and it just doesn't seem fair to keep sacrificing the enjoyment of many people to please just one person or one couple. 

On the whole, I would say everyone here gets to make choices and should therefore take responsibility for them. She's obnoxious, she pushes people away. So she has to live with the fact that people don't want to spend time with her. For whatever reason, he has chosen to stay with her and to socialize with her, so he has to understand that, when she antagonizes people, it will have an impact on his friendships. You cannot shield him from this fact. Nor should you. He's not a baby. And you don't have to be confrontational about letting them know. Just be frank when they ask you.

I have to say, though, you don't seem to know your cousin very well. I say that because you don't seem to understand why he would be with such a woman in the first place and why he would stay with her. So I would suggest you also spend some time trying to understand their dynamic in greater depth. 

This, this, and more this! I suspect he is trauma bonded to her and the relationship is emotionally abusive behind closed doors.

[healing light]

48 minutes ago, Pastypop said:

A lot of people  have horrible women like this join the family.  The family treats them like crap, thinking nothing of it.  Then Poof, there’s a huge blowout and the family member rides off into the sunset with the jerk.

Also agree. I would try the kind and assertive technique, perhaps say things like, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but your last remark made me feel uncomfortable." Call her out in the moment but in terms of how you feel so it's not arguable. Hopefully it will start to make her reflect or choose her words more wisely. I like the compromise of inviting her to private dinners or on shorter staycations and going on your big trips with other couples. Then just be frank if it comes up. 

If you just go for the jugular and start by calling her a jerk, she will likely cut him off from any access he has to you. 

However, I don't think the tears in the lobby were crocodile tears. A lot of these bully types can dish it, but boy they cannot take it.

Edited August 4, 2020 by healing light

[Wiseman2]

Edit. Never mind this thread is several months old and the poster never returned. 

He married her, so take it or leave it. 

Edited August 4, 2020 by Wiseman2