Stuck

[Lulu20]

Hi everyone, I’m after some advice. I’ve been stuck with this constant debate going on in my head for around 9 months now and I can’t take it anymore. I just don’t know how to move on with my life. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago, initially for a few weeks but went back for a little while but had to end things permanently when things didn’t change. This person did not treat me well enough when we were together. And we wanted very different things in our life, including the fact that I wanted children and he didn’t.

However I absolutely loved him and it broke my heart to end it. But I had to. Otherwise I was resigning myself to a life I knew I didn’t want. I certainly wasn’t ready to give up on the prospect of starting a family, I’m pretty sure I’d regret it. He continued to contact me after out breakup however. I have tried to get him to stop doing this on a few occasions, either by explaining to him that we need to move on, or trying to ignore his calls. But then he turns up at my house. Sometimes angry, sometimes not. To avoid the aggro/heartache I give in and continue to talk to him. It’s been like this so long now that  it has become normal.

Him Contacting me several times a day for a chat as though we were in a relationship, but we’re not. Any when I just go along with it we get on great. We could chat for hours. And I’d miss him terribly if I were to start something with another. Yet this is what I will have to do if I am going to have a life that I deserve. There is another guy ( actually another ex from a few years back) who says he wants to be with me. The reason this relationship ended was again back then we wanted different things, but since then he has matured and it appears he wants the life that I do.

We have a lot in common. I trust him and can tell him anything. I’d love to give things a go but I will have to stop talking to my ex. I will hurt him and he will hate me. I will hurt myself as I care for him a lot. He just wasn’t the man I needed him to be. I’ve never ended a relationship before. Clearly I am terrible at it! I’ve made such a mess of it.

But it’s far easier to get over someone who doesn’t love you anymore than it is to get over someone who does. I just don’t know what to do. Every time I try to force myself to do something, go out with the other guy for example, I’m just paralysed. I feel so guilty. Thanks for reading any advice will be gratefully received.

Edited May 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

It seems to me the choice is easy: do you want children or not?  Which guy wants them? That's the guy you need to be with.

Each day you spend with the guy who doesn't want children puts you one day closer to menopause.

[stillafool]

The only one who can stop him from contacting you is you.  Block him and keep it that way.  If he shows up to your house do not let him in or answer the door.  He has told you he doesn't want kids and if you do you need to stop wasting time on a dead end.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why haven't you blocked the ex?

[Lulu20]

Because I care for him and will miss him. Although I’ve told him we should cut contact I’m not strong enough to enforce it alone. I never wanted him to hate me. And now he’s going to hate me worse than ever coz I’ve gone about this in all the wrong ways.

[Rex12]

Hey OP, if you were done, then it would be a relatively simple process to block his number & tell him never to turn up at your door again.

As you've not done that, you're still harbouring a lot of feelings for your ex. The only major deal breaker seems to be his reticence at the prospect of starting a family. 

I don't know how old you & your ex are, but maybe, given more time, he will reconsider his position. Or maybe not. Either way, you've got to be decisive. Nine months is a long time to be in regular contact with an ex. Take control & cut the cord. Yes, it will hurt, yes you will hurt him but in the long run you are doing the right thing for yourself & your ex. Who wants to stagnate like you are at the moment. Good luck.

[Lulu20]

Thank you, I know it makes sense, I just have to be stronger. 

[Michael dan]

12 hours ago, Lulu20 said:

Hi everyone, I’m after some advice. I’ve been stuck with this constant debate going on in my head for around 9 months now and I can’t take it anymore. I just don’t know how to move on with my life. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago, initially for a few weeks but went back for a little while but had to end things permanently when things didn’t change. This person did not treat me well enough when we were together. And we wanted very different things in our life, including the fact that I wanted children and he didn’t. However I absolutely loved him and it broke my heart to end it. But I had to. Otherwise I was resigning myself to a life I knew I didn’t want. I certainly wasn’t ready to give up on the prospect of starting a family, I’m pretty sure I’d regret it. He continued to contact me after out breakup however. I have tried to get him to stop doing this on a few occasions, either by explaining to him that we need to move on, or trying to ignore his calls. But then he turns up at my house. Sometimes angry, sometimes not. To avoid the aggro/heartache I give in and continue to talk to him. It’s been like this so long now that  it has become normal. Him Contacting me several times a day for a chat as though we were in a relationship, but we’re not. Any when I just go along with it we get on great. We could chat for hours. And I’d miss him terribly if I were to start something with another. Yet this is what I will have to do if I am going to have a life that I deserve. There is another guy ( actually another ex from a few years back) who says he wants to be with me. The reason this relationship ended was again back then we wanted different things, but since then he has matured and it appears he wants the life that I do. We have a lot in common. I trust him and can tell him anything. I’d love to give things a go but I will have to stop talking to my ex. I will hurt him and he will hate me. I will hurt myself as I care for him a lot. He just wasn’t the man I needed him to be. I’ve never ended a relationship before. Clearly I am terrible at it! I’ve made such a mess of it.  But it’s far easier to get over someone who doesn’t love you anymore than it is to get over someone who does. I just don’t know what to do. Every time I try to force myself to do something, go out with the other guy for example, I’m just paralysed. I feel so guilty. Thanks for reading any advice will be gratefully received.

My dear the 

 

12 hours ago, Lulu20 said:

Hi everyone, I’m after some advice. I’ve been stuck with this constant debate going on in my head for around 9 months now and I can’t take it anymore. I just don’t know how to move on with my life. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago, initially for a few weeks but went back for a little while but had to end things permanently when things didn’t change. This person did not treat me well enough when we were together. And we wanted very different things in our life, including the fact that I wanted children and he didn’t. However I absolutely loved him and it broke my heart to end it. But I had to. Otherwise I was resigning myself to a life I knew I didn’t want. I certainly wasn’t ready to give up on the prospect of starting a family, I’m pretty sure I’d regret it. He continued to contact me after out breakup however. I have tried to get him to stop doing this on a few occasions, either by explaining to him that we need to move on, or trying to ignore his calls. But then he turns up at my house. Sometimes angry, sometimes not. To avoid the aggro/heartache I give in and continue to talk to him. It’s been like this so long now that  it has become normal. Him Contacting me several times a day for a chat as though we were in a relationship, but we’re not. Any when I just go along with it we get on great. We could chat for hours. And I’d miss him terribly if I were to start something with another. Yet this is what I will have to do if I am going to have a life that I deserve. There is another guy ( actually another ex from a few years back) who says he wants to be with me. The reason this relationship ended was again back then we wanted different things, but since then he has matured and it appears he wants the life that I do. We have a lot in common. I trust him and can tell him anything. I’d love to give things a go but I will have to stop talking to my ex. I will hurt him and he will hate me. I will hurt myself as I care for him a lot. He just wasn’t the man I needed him to be. I’ve never ended a relationship before. Clearly I am terrible at it! I’ve made such a mess of it.  But it’s far easier to get over someone who doesn’t love you anymore than it is to get over someone who does. I just don’t know what to do. Every time I try to force myself to do something, go out with the other guy for example, I’m just paralysed. I feel so guilty. Thanks for reading any advice will be gratefully received.it's important to know that marriage is an institution that is hard t graduate from... From your writeup I understand you Love your guy more than the one you are about to go back to@ your first ex... But I advise you go for the one who reason at thesame level as you 

 

[Calmandfocused]

This relationship did not finish 9 months ago. Whether you accept it or not, you are still in the relationship with him. 
 

You are having more contact with your “ex” than what some of my friends are having with their boyfriends during lockdown. 
 

Work out what you want and make sure you put what’s necessary in place to move forward. Being afraid of missing someone is not a reason to keep them in your life 

[Lulu20]

You’re absolutely right, it didn’t end, and every day it feels like I’ve got to break up all over again. I know what I’ve got to do, I just find it so hard, and he makes it so hard

[preraph]

Maybe it will make it easier for you to make him go when you realize that he is perfectly happy with how things are right now which is no obligation or commitment on his part and no pressure to have children. This is absolutely fine with him. as long as you let it go on its not going to run its course. You should just tell him you're getting back together with the ex and giving it a go and that you're going to block him because you don't want to sabotage your relationship. If he truly cares anything at all about your happiness he will just have to understand that. And then you block him so he cannot jeopardize your relationship.

[scooby-philly]

15 hours ago, Lulu20 said:

Because I care for him and will miss him. Although I’ve told him we should cut contact I’m not strong enough to enforce it alone. I never wanted him to hate me. And now he’s going to hate me worse than ever coz I’ve gone about this in all the wrong ways.

Theres a great meme I discovered after my heart break with a relationship ending 9 months ago...basically says you dont get to tell other people what role you want to play in the story of their lives. And even good people can sometimes be cast as a villain.  So while you may want to not hurt him, by staying in contact while he's not able to see you dont want a romantic future with him, you're actually hurting him worse above and beyond the self harm you're doing.  So as painful as it is, you'll both be better off apart.

[kendahke]

On 5/23/2020 at 3:18 AM, Lulu20 said:

Because I care for him and will miss him. Although I’ve told him we should cut contact I’m not strong enough to enforce it alone.

No, it's because you don't want to be held accountable for the consequences of your choice. You want him to do that heavy lift and relieve you of the responsibility to yourself.

The longer you mess with him, the likelier you're going to ruin things with the guy who wants children--then you'll be at the age where you can't have children and this guy will be in the wind.

It's time to pull up your big girl pants and do what you need to do for your own best interests.

[Lulu20]

Thank you, I need to hear this. I’ve handled it all so badly