EMDR therapy

[SSE]

I had an on and off affair with a married man for about 3 years. No judgement please, I know it's wasn't okay. We went NC for about 1 year ago because I couldn't handle it anymore until I contacted him again during corona. I wanted to know how he was doing. It turned out to be a big mistake of contacting him again because I discovered his wife was pregnant of their second child while he wanted to meet me last year, claiming he missed me, things were going bad between them and so on. Lies, all lies. We are NC again. I have no contact info of him anymore. He's gone out of my smartphone, but I want him gone out of my mind and out of my heart. 

During that year of NC I was in therapy where I talked about that experience. However, I never had the idea it was working. The pain of the affair wasn't better, even after a year of NC. I still missed him terribly. Now, after my discovery I'm in a lot of pain again. I keep repeating the affair and every horrible thing that happened in my head. I don't sleep well and I eat to much unhealthy things. I find it extremely difficult to let go. Maybe I should also mention he was my first in a lot of ways. First man I loved, first kiss, first time being intimate... During NC, I had a relationship with a man that treated me much better, but I couldn't let the married man go in my mind. 

I want him gone. It's been already 4 years I'm living in this hell of emotional pain. The thoughts of him and the affair prevented and still prevent me to move on and life my life to the fullest. A friend suggested another kind of therapy, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. Has anyone some experience with that kind of therapy? 

Thank you. 

[Atwood]

I would start with CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and tell the practitioner all of your symptoms. Explain any form of intrustive thoughts, images, nightmares etc. Do your best to keep track of your symptoms and when they arise. EMDR, as far as I know after having it explained to me, is very useful in reducing distressing images, feeling and nightmares that keep popping up and disrupting our lives. I did some prep for EMDR before the lockdown started (never got onto the actual treatment) but the way it was explained to me and the prep work I've done has been extremely helpful. 

The fact of the matter is that you are suffering and are in pain and therapy is most definitely the next logical step. Please pursue treatment! The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't make a difference, you're already experiencing that now. 

[SSE]

Why do you prefer CBT above EMDR? 

[Atwood]

On 5/23/2020 at 6:03 PM, SSE said:

Why do you prefer CBT above EMDR? 

So sorry for the slow reply! I've been gone for a little while!

I wouldn't say I prefer CBT as I haven't had EMDR fully just yet. I think they're both really important because they fulfill different functions. My therapist said that I have two main issues, generalised anxiety and acute trauma symptoms. EMDR can help with the acute trauma symptoms but having generalised anxiety makes the trauma symptoms much worse because you're raising your general state of anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Using CBT to lower my general anxiety has meant that I'm having slightly less acute trauma symptoms and can deal with them more calmly!

CBT is an important step because it challenges your core beliefs (which have been formed by your experiences both positve and negative) and it also challenges your behaviour. This can really, really help your relationship with your trauma. EMDR is really honing in on the symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares etc. 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you get all the support you need! I am genuinely feeling much, much better after CBT and I highly recommend it to anyone. 

[lana-banana]

When I was sent to a therapist for work-related trauma, they started with EMDR (for the reasons stated above---help with nightmares and flashbacks, dealing with triggers, etc). It did not work for me. I got too mentally wound around the physical cues and couldn't get myself to respond accordingly. I had much better luck with DBT, which addresses a similar concern (trying to calm yourself in highly distressing moments). You can definitely try EMDR, but from what you said it doesn't sound like you need to work with that kind of trauma.

I will echo the praise for CBT, which was fundamental to me actually overcoming depression. If you are well enough mentally that you can function at a job, you can probably do CBT. It not only helps you stop going down bad rabbit holes, but it teaches you to build healthier alternative thoughts. As someone who didn't really have any kind of coping mechanisms growing up, the idea that I could actually un-learn all the negative things I used to think and do was revolutionary. CBT is a way of being very logical about strong emotions, which often don't seem logical at all, and it's a godsend. It does require a ton of work but it's so worth it. 

Edited June 12, 2020 by lana-banana

[Watercolors]

Stick to Cognitive Behavioral therapy and Dialectical Behavioral therapy. They will help you learn the coping skills that EMDR isn't designed for. CBT and DBT are designed to teach people coping skills. EMDT is not designed to do anything other than trigger traumatic memories and intense physical pain attached to those memories. It did not help me when I tried it. It made me feel worse. 

[SSE]

I have an appointment for CBT at the beginning of July. I will give it a try. The anxiety and negative thoughts are sometimes so overwhelming that I even can't focus on my job... At those moments, it's like hell in my mind. And that needs to stop, I feel like it's breaking me.

Thanks for your replies! 

[Atwood]

5 hours ago, SSE said:

I have an appointment for CBT at the beginning of July. I will give it a try. The anxiety and negative thoughts are sometimes so overwhelming that I even can't focus on my job... At those moments, it's like hell in my mind. And that needs to stop, I feel like it's breaking me.

Thanks for your replies! 

I'm so pleased you have an appointment! Well done for taking this step in your recovery. 

If it helps, when I phoned up about starting therapy, I was an utter mess. Crying at my desk at work, crying during my lunch break, crying on the way to and from work. having repeated and unpleasant anxious thoughts that felt like they were following me around all day. I felt totally messed up and irreversibly broken. I had a breakdown early last year, had some phone appointments through the summer, started low-level counselling and CBT and then got moved up to higher-level CBT and trauma counselling at the start of this year. It's my last appointment next week. At the start of the year, I scored 20/21 on the Anxiety Questionnaire (might be different for the US). Last week I scored 5/21 and when she repeated my core beliefs back to me that we established in the first session, I did not agree with them and had subconsciously developed new and healthier core beliefs because of CBT. 

 

There's light at the end of the tunnel. Be focused and willing to put the work into CBT and cooperate with your therapist and I promise you won't always feel this bad. Good luck ❤️ 

[SSE]

Thanks for your replies! ❤️

I think I struggle with 2 things: cutting the ties with MM and being really scared of the future. I'm really scared of ending up all alone without a husband and child. I'm really scared of letting MM go because I love him so much and am so scared I will never find someone else. I'm so scared for the doomsday scenario. Sometimes I can really spiral down into those negative thoughts. I constantly compare with MM and his perfect life with a wife and children and then you have me who has nothing of that... They really exhaust me, but it's difficult for me to stop them. I hope the CBT can help me gain some perspective. I know I'm so sick of feeling this way that I will do my best to give it a try. 

I do cry a lot... So I hear you. I'm not in the US, I'm European, but I've never heared of the Anxiety Questionnaire. Is it some kind of test you took at the beginning of your therapy? How long did you have CBT? Did you have weekly appointments? When did you start to feel a change in your thoughts? I'm very happy for you that you could manage and control your anxiety. It indeed gives me hope that I will feel better someday! I do know I have this fear of being single my entire life for quite some time now and it gets worse with aging. I don't think it will be easy to control a fear that I already have for almost 10 years... But I do hope I can control it to a level that is manageable. Is it actually possible to become totally anxiety-free? 

[Atwood]

6 hours ago, SSE said:

Thanks for your replies! ❤️

I think I struggle with 2 things: cutting the ties with MM and being really scared of the future. I'm really scared of ending up all alone without a husband and child. I'm really scared of letting MM go because I love him so much and am so scared I will never find someone else. I'm so scared for the doomsday scenario. Sometimes I can really spiral down into those negative thoughts. I constantly compare with MM and his perfect life with a wife and children and then you have me who has nothing of that... They really exhaust me, but it's difficult for me to stop them. I hope the CBT can help me gain some perspective. I know I'm so sick of feeling this way that I will do my best to give it a try. 

I do cry a lot... So I hear you. I'm not in the US, I'm European, but I've never heared of the Anxiety Questionnaire. Is it some kind of test you took at the beginning of your therapy? How long did you have CBT? Did you have weekly appointments? When did you start to feel a change in your thoughts? I'm very happy for you that you could manage and control your anxiety. It indeed gives me hope that I will feel better someday! I do know I have this fear of being single my entire life for quite some time now and it gets worse with aging. I don't think it will be easy to control a fear that I already have for almost 10 years... But I do hope I can control it to a level that is manageable. Is it actually possible to become totally anxiety-free? 

Those issues definitely sound like something CBT is designed specifically to help you with! I'm sorry you've been so distressed

The questionnaire is something that a lot of my counsellors have used on a weekly basis. You answer questions on a scale to give them an idea of your levels of depression, anxiety and general mental well-being, and they do these at every appointment to track your progress. It was very revealing at the end!

I have been having CBT every week or every two weeks for a 12 session block. 

What I did that made a difference was that I was extremely dedicated to the tasks I was given. So they will introduce you to some theory and some strategies that help explain your behaviour, they'll look at your core beliefs, your feelings, your behaviours and it will be extremely personalised to your experience. For example, my original core beliefs were that 1.) the world is not a safe place and 2.) if I feel uncertainty, bad things will happen. So my therapist worked with me on uncertainty (and this tied into why I felt the world was so unsafe, because it's uncertain). She would help me to understand and make sense of what was going on, and then would give me things I could try in order to deal with my symptoms.Treat it like an assignment and keep trying and humour it even if it doesn't feel like it's working. You might be introduced to strategies like The Worry Tree or The Worry Backpack. Give them an honest go and be really honest with your therapist about how it went, the times it was really a struggle and try to apply everything you learn to yourself. The thing with CBT is that it works best when you're really giving it a fair go. 

The most important lesson I've learned is that they cannot perform some kind of procedure or say a magic combination of words that will fix everything, they will help you to manage and cope yourself which is a long, gradual process but it's totally worth it  

The fears and worries I had stemmed from my childhood and had been a part of my life for 15 years and it has only taken a couple of months for me to make significant progress. Your last question is extremely important! No human being can be anxiety-free because we absolutely shouldn't be, anxiety is a normal part of existing. However, what you absolutely can do is learn to reduce your anxiety levels and to cope with anxiety when it arises. We all feel rubbish sometimes because that's part of life, but CBT will help us not let the anxiety take over most of our lives. 

 

I really, really wish you the best of luck ❤️ 

[SSE]

Can CBT also help dealing with the pain I'm feeling? I'm often thinking how wonderful and perfect their lives must be compared to how I'm feeling at the moment. That's a really painful thought that keeps popping into my mind. It's not only anxiety I'm feeling, I'm still dealing with a lot of pain inside me. 

I once tried 2 sessions of CBT while I was in the middle of the affair. It didn't work for me. The therapist was a very young woman, just graduated, that constantly checked her phone. Gave  me the feeling she didn't want to help me. I stopped with the CBT. Because I was in the middle of the affair, all I wanted to do was talk about my feelings to get it off my chest. But I remember she wanted to give me exercises to deal with my fears. I think at that time, CBT wasn't what I needed. But now the affair has ended and I have to move forward with my life. MM does not want me and never will. Maybe CBT can be effective for me now to get rid of my attachment to the MM? 

However, I do notice I sometimes need it to vent about the affair, to get it of my chest. Is that still possible during CBT or can't you say anything about your feelings? Is it constantly getting exercises? I really need some coping strategies to deal with the loss of the break-up and my anxiety towards being single, but sometimes I also just need to vent. 

[Atwood]

6 hours ago, SSE said:

Can CBT also help dealing with the pain I'm feeling? I'm often thinking how wonderful and perfect their lives must be compared to how I'm feeling at the moment. That's a really painful thought that keeps popping into my mind. It's not only anxiety I'm feeling, I'm still dealing with a lot of pain inside me. 

I once tried 2 sessions of CBT while I was in the middle of the affair. It didn't work for me. The therapist was a very young woman, just graduated, that constantly checked her phone. Gave  me the feeling she didn't want to help me. I stopped with the CBT. Because I was in the middle of the affair, all I wanted to do was talk about my feelings to get it off my chest. But I remember she wanted to give me exercises to deal with my fears. I think at that time, CBT wasn't what I needed. But now the affair has ended and I have to move forward with my life. MM does not want me and never will. Maybe CBT can be effective for me now to get rid of my attachment to the MM? 

However, I do notice I sometimes need it to vent about the affair, to get it of my chest. Is that still possible during CBT or can't you say anything about your feelings? Is it constantly getting exercises? I really need some coping strategies to deal with the loss of the break-up and my anxiety towards being single, but sometimes I also just need to vent. 

 

I can only speak from my personal experience, but the things that cause me worry can also cause me pain that feels unbearable and extreme. The main reason I went into therapy was because I didn't feel it was possible for me to continue with the feelings of pain I was carrying. What I've learned is that those painful experiences and memories are still there, and of course they're still painful to look back on, but that the change in my mindset is what makes the pain easier to cope with and more fleeting. I wouldn;t rule out CBT in helping with emotional pain, because it has definitely helped me somewhat with mine. Even though at some point in the future I might need trauma treatment, I actually feel miles and miles more capable of dealing with trauma/pain because of CBT. 

I definitely agree with you that it's probably going to be more successful now the affair is over and you're out of the situation that was causing turmoil. I don't think the CBT practitioner you saw was behaving professionally if she was checking her phone constantly and not paying attention to you. I can only imagine how awful that must have felt for you, and I am sure she was not trained to behave that way. I think that if you can find a CBT therapist that you work really well with now that you're ready to heal, it will hopefully be more what you need. 

Again, I can only speak for myself, but my CBT practitioner worked on the basis of allowing me to set my own goals and I essentially could ask her what I wanted to do. If you explain to your practitioner that you really, really need for someone to just hear you and to validate your feelings, I am positive they will facilitate having the first couple of sessions dedicated to this. My CBT therapist wanted to assess my background and feelings to begin with anyway to understand what it was that I needed. You are allowed to vent whatever you need to vent and nobody will prevent you. However, there also comes a time when we need to acknowledge that our feelings don't = reality and I think that's where a lot of us become extremely resistant. I felt adamant that being anxious and mistrustful of others kept me safe and I didn't see any reason to change my thoughts or behaviour, all I wanted was to be out of pain. However, once I realised that my behaviours and feelings were perpetuating the pain, it helped me to accept change. 

 

I hope all of that makes sense. All you really need to know is that a professional CBT therapist will treat you sensitively and professionally and will do their best to work with you and what you need. You absolutely can and should talk about feelings with your CBT therapist  

Edited June 23, 2020 by Atwood

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, SSE said:

Can CBT also help dealing with the pain I'm feeling? I'm often thinking how wonderful and perfect their lives must be compared to how I'm feeling at the moment. That's a really painful thought that keeps popping into my mind.

CBT will help you to deal with the thought, such that it doesn’t continue to cause you pain. Change your thinking, change your experience. 

[SSE]

On 6/23/2020 at 3:21 PM, Atwood said:

I can only speak from my personal experience, but the things that cause me worry can also cause me pain that feels unbearable and extreme. The main reason I went into therapy was because I didn't feel it was possible for me to continue with the feelings of pain I was carrying.

I feel the exact same thing. I feel so lost the last couple of days. So unhappy. I remember the last time I felt happy. That was with MM at the beginning of the affair, almost 4 years ago. That's the reason why I would go back to him. I know I can't. I don't have his phone number anymore and I also know it's not in my best interest, he doesn't want me anyway. But I so long to be happy again and that's the last time I recall I was happy. It's really been though the last couple of days. Sometimes I wish I wasn't here anymore. Then all the pain and sadness would be gone. I hope the CBT therapist won't be freaked out about that. I have an appointment coming Thursday. 

Thank you for kind words and explanation. I hope I will reach a point where I will feel better again. Your story gives me hope. Thanks for sharing. 

[Atwood]

3 hours ago, SSE said:

I feel the exact same thing. I feel so lost the last couple of days. So unhappy. I remember the last time I felt happy. That was with MM at the beginning of the affair, almost 4 years ago. That's the reason why I would go back to him. I know I can't. I don't have his phone number anymore and I also know it's not in my best interest, he doesn't want me anyway. But I so long to be happy again and that's the last time I recall I was happy. It's really been though the last couple of days. Sometimes I wish I wasn't here anymore. Then all the pain and sadness would be gone. I hope the CBT therapist won't be freaked out about that. I have an appointment coming Thursday. 

Thank you for kind words and explanation. I hope I will reach a point where I will feel better again. Your story gives me hope. Thanks for sharing. 

A good CBT therapist will never freak out on you. They are trained to deal with all sorts of emotions that people have, including ones that we're most ashamed of or worried about sharing. I'm so sorry you've been experiencing those feelings. Seeking therapy means you're on the path to recovery, even if it takes some time to travel. Good luck ❤️