Not sure what the right thing to do is here....

[Uptown182]

 

I can’t help it!

So my bf and I have been together for almost 7 months.  He is divorced with two young kids whom he sees very often and I have not met them yet although we have spoken about this and he intends on having me met them soon.  

Anyway this morning we were laying in bed and googling covid 19 updates on his phone.  He was holding the phone so I can read along with him, he was on some news site (can’t remember which) and he kept getting advertisement pop ups for engagement rings.  Now I know the ad site that came up uses cookies, so he had to have been on that site looking up engagement rings.  I of course didn’t say anything, and he’s not very tech savvy so I don’t even think he noticed the pop up.  Im not going to lie, I was pretty shocked to see it and ever since seeing it, it’s been on my mind.  I mean we have discussed a future together, and he does consider us to be serious, but we haven’t really had talks about getting engaged yet, especially since I haven’t even met his kids yet!  

Im also thinking, we’re under lock down (even though we do still see each other) so he’s not working, he’s mostly home all day and perhaps he was just looking out of boredom.  I know I’m probably reading too much into it, but would just like some thoughts on this....

Edited March 28, 2020 by Uptown182

[Miss Spider]

Guys don’t look at engagement rings out of boredom. They’d look at pron or something if they were bored. I would say he is considering proposing to you!! 

[Uptown182]

I just truly don’t believe he’d be proposing to me anytime soon (meaning the next few months), I mean we haven’t even spoken about it.

[Miss Spider]

Here is another idea on the cookies thing. You can get irrelevant ads sometimes by looking at stuff loosely related. Like the ads I get from coming to loveshack so much. I not in the market for an Asian bride or to catch a cheating spouse, but you’d think I was based on my ads. So maybe he was looking at other jewelry for you or himself etc... or he might be ready to propose!!! 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Uptown182]

I’m so confused right now…

 

Just a little background, my bf and I have been together for 7 months.  He is a divorced father of two young kids.  We are currently under shelter in place, but have still been seeing each other twice a week.  I work from home so I really don’t go anywhere except to his place.  Saturday we were together and I heard him on the phone with his ex wife (he was asking when to pick up the kids), and I heard her say to him that he shouldn’t be having anyone over his place and that he shouldn’t really be seeing anybody right now given what was going on.  When he got off the phone he told me what she said, and I didn’t really say anything.  Also, he owns a business, which is obviously closed now but he still goes in occasionally by himself to do some catch up work.

 

So this all started Tuesday, up until then everything was fine.  On Tuesday late morning I called my boyfriend, he didn’t answer but called me back about an hour later, then I couldn’t answer because I was on a work call.  I called him back 20 minutes later and again he wasn’t picking up, I texted him asking him why he wasn’t picking up, he said he was with his kids and that he tried calling me.  I told him ok, and that I was on a work call when he called.  In the early evening I texted him asking him he was still with his kids, he said yes.  Now he doesn’t call me when he with his kids, he never ended up calling me that night (which is not out of the ordinary).  So I expected that yesterday he would at least call or text in the morning.  By 1pm I still hadn’t heard from him, and I was getting concerned so I called him, and there was no answer, I then texted him asking him if he was ok, he responded about 20 minutes later saying he didn’t feel that great, and that he made a promise to his ex wife that he wouldn’t see anybody during this lockdown, otherwise he can’t see his kids.  I called him, he picked up and said he had a migraine early in the morning, took a Nyquil and just woke up half hour ago.  I asked him why he didn’t call me the night before, and he said he was feeling stressed because he didn’t know how to tell  me what his ex said.  I responded by saying, “so were you just never going to call me”? and he responded by saying “no, that’s crazy of course I was going to call you tonight”  I then told him I actually agree with his ex, that it’s getting too dangerous to see anybody right now and that he could’ve told me last night, I am an adult and I would’ve understood.  We then had a few minutes of small talk, but I was visibly irritated about the lack of communication, he sounded a little off as well, but I’m not sure if that was from the migraine.  He said he was walking into his shop (his business) and we ended the call.  Haven’t heard from him since and I haven’t reached out to him either.  I don’t know what’s going on now….are we broken up?  Are we still together?  I just feel like I’m in limbo here.  Everyone is telling me don’t call or text him, and I’m not.  I’m just confused and a bit heart broken, since this is a man who always tells me he loves me and everything, so I’m having a hard time believing or even understanding if this is the end or not? 

 

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Hmm this is just my opinion, but having dated a single father briefly and having friends who have, it’s a bit an orange flag that you never met his kids or integrating you in his life after 7 mo relationship/ily and stuff(sorry if I misunderstood this)? It seems like he’s keeping you at an arms length /this is more casual than serious for him and that’s substantiated by the fact he’s cutting you off, someone he says he lives and is in a 7 mo rship with bc of comments from him ex wife. I Understand that these are different times but just don’t see a man in a serious relationship with a woman he loves doing that. Maybe a woman he’s casually dating, yes. It’s also substantiated by his refusal to communicate with you. Despite what anyone here may say, i 💯 do not believe it’s normal for a man to not communicate through text with a woman  he’s interested in, unless he is a Luddite without a phone or something, then he will damn sure find another way. You are worried and trying to figure things out and he is avoidant and just doesn’t seem to care at all rn. There just seems to be a really big discrepancy in interest here and if it’s not over perhaps it should be.... 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Uptown182]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hmm this is just my opinion, but having dated a single father briefly and having friends who have, it’s a bit an orange flag that you never met his kids or integrating you in his life after 7 mo relationship/ily and stuff(sorry if I misunderstood this)? It seems like he’s keeping you at an arms length /this is more casual than serious for him and that’s substantiated by the fact he’s cutting you off, someone he says he lives and is in a 7 mo rship with bc of comments from him ex wife. I Understand that these are different times but just don’t see a man in a serious relationship with a woman he loves doing that. Maybe a woman he’s casually dating, yes. It’s also substantiated by his refusal to communicate with you. Despite what anyone here may say, i 💯 do not believe it’s normal for a man to not communicate through text with a woman  he’s interested in, unless he is a Luddite without a phone or something, then he will damn sure find another way. You are worried and trying to figure things out and he is avoidant and just doesn’t seem to care at all rn. There just seems to be a really big discrepancy in interest here and if it’s not over perhaps it should be.... 

We had spoken about having me meet the kids, but with everything that’s going on now it just wasn’t the best time.  He’s only been divorced a year and a half and his older child is having a hard time coping with it.  
 

I think he’s not just doing this because his ex wife told him too, I think he himself is probably concerned about bringing the virus back to his kids.  It’s getting really bad, we’re in NYC at the epicenter of all this

[Miss Spider]

I understand the concern some people have over the virus and also diff timelines people have for introducing children and I’m not trying to judge anyone over it.  I was just saying it seems like there is a vast difference in how serious each of you are viewing this relationship. I mean taking everything you wrote into account. If it was just he was the type to worry about this stuff in isolation and he was still keeping in touch through phone/FaceTime or seeing you but not getting close/being intimate, I would say nothing is wrong here. But that’s not what’s happening. At 7 mo I just think it is something to consider. I guess people have different meanings of love , but It doesn’t seem that serious to him. I do wish youboth the best of luck tho., 

[simpycurious]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hmm this is just my opinion, but having dated a single father briefly and having friends who have, it’s a bit an orange flag that you never met his kids or integrating you in his life after 7 mo relationship/ily and stuff(sorry if I misunderstood this)? It seems like he’s keeping you at an arms length /this is more casual than serious for him and that’s substantiated by the fact he’s cutting you off, someone he says he lives and is in a 7 mo rship with bc of comments from him ex wife. I Understand that these are different times but just don’t see a man in a serious relationship with a woman he loves doing that. Maybe a woman he’s casually dating, yes. It’s also substantiated by his refusal to communicate with you. Despite what anyone here may say, i 💯 do not believe it’s normal for a man to not communicate through text with a woman  he’s interested in, unless he is a Luddite without a phone or something, then he will damn sure find another way. You are worried and trying to figure things out and he is avoidant and just doesn’t seem to care at all rn. There just seems to be a really big discrepancy in interest here and if it’s not over perhaps it should be.... 

OMG...that almost made me choke on my water from laughter.  I have only heard someone being referred to as a "Luddite" once before.  Cookie, you have an incredible wit and are so down right charming.  

Uptown, the whole virus deal makes the timing less than ideal of course but 7 months is a pretty long duration of time.  What does your GUT tell you?

[preraph]

If you're in NYC, he shouldn't be going out of the house at all and neither should you, and the kids should probably not be going back and forth. 

 

We can't read his mind but none of y'all should be going anywhere and visiting each other. I won't even let someone who has kids be around me right now.

[Malin889]

Hold on— didn’t you see engagement ring ads on his phone last week and think he was proposing? And the week before he asked you if you would still love him if he was poor? Why all the back and forth? 

[Uptown182]

50 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Hold on— didn’t you see engagement ring ads on his phone last week and think he was proposing? And the week before he asked you if you would still love him if he was poor? Why all the back and forth? 

Yes! That’s why I’m so confused, I don’t understand what’s going on 

[Malin889]

15 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Yes! That’s why I’m so confused, I don’t understand what’s going on 

Well I suppose just forget about the engagement ring inquiry for now,  and just check in with him every few days to say hi, but don’t be too pushy. If he doesn’t respond, let him come to you. Everyone’s preoccupied with the virus. 
 

Does the ex wife have a boyfriend/significant other? 

[Lotsgoingon]

First on the engagement ring ... look one of the wonders (and downsides) of the internet is that we can have a random thought and then seek information on that thought immediately. I look up stuff all the time for dumb reasons ... Like ... someone might look up engagement rings ... because he heard about someone who not long ago got engaged ... or years ago, your bf heard a certain price range for engagement rings ... and again, some trigger, got him researching it ... this kinds of online searching is not revealing of any deep purpose ... it's just distraction and chasing curiosity.

As to his hiding and withdrawing from communication ... that's huge ... and you might as well face it now ... Sounds like your bf is stumped ... stumped and confused by his ex's "directive." He should talk out the confusion with you ... he has a right to be confused ... Sounds like there may be some dynamic with the ex, such that she orders him around and he might have a sensitive spot there ... and this time might be paralyzing for him ... because the ex is being bossy ... and he has to admit that she has a point.

No, you are not over ... but he is withdrawing it seems ... No, don't assume this is a breakup. He will likely come out of hiding when he feels clearer. But you are learning something about him ... right here ... right now ... pay attention to how he handles complexity and stress. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yea like I said in my second post, loosely related key words can trigger ads. Like a person could be googling “SO wants to get married” “SO pressuring me to propose” and trigger engagement ring ads 

 

I do not think his behavior is normal of a guy who supposedly in love. at all. 

Edited April 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

you are over reacting. Those ads are loosely triggered. I look up something about a car and get hit with ads for tools or work boots.

[Uptown182]

Update: Thursday evening I texted him telling him I love him and hope he’s feeling ok, he never responded.  So I guess it is over 

 

Just can’t believe a man in his late 40’s would ghost someone he claimed he loved and cared for.

Edited April 5, 2020 by Uptown182

[Uptown182]

On 4/3/2020 at 8:55 AM, Malin889 said:

Well I suppose just forget about the engagement ring inquiry for now,  and just check in with him every few days to say hi, but don’t be too pushy. If he doesn’t respond, let him come to you. Everyone’s preoccupied with the virus. 
 

Does the ex wife have a boyfriend/significant other? 

No I don’t believe she does 

[Trail Blazer]

10 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Update: Thursday evening I texted him telling him I love him and hope he’s feeling ok, he never responded.  So I guess it is over 

 

Just can’t believe a man in his late 40’s would ghost someone he claimed he loved and cared for.

COVID-19 will expose the cracks in many people's relationships.  I'm sorry to hear that happening to you.  It's better that he expose this side of him now, than to propose to you (whenever that may have been) and you experience these short comings after the "I do's" have been exchanged.

[Trail Blazer]

And just on that, your situation is quite similar to mine.  I've been dating someone for five months, she has no kids and I have two.  We still see each other, but otherwise adhere to all social distancing advice.  She now studies from home, with all lectures being conducted via Zoom.  I work on an oil rig, so when I am home I do not have to go anywhere.

My ex-wife doesn't know that I'm seeing anyone yet.  She hasn't said anything either way, but in the back of my mind I do know that she would not like the fact that I am seeing someone else (for COVID-19 reasons OR otherwise).

This virus has certainly complicated our situation.  We have spoken about the natural progression of our relationship and how I had hoped for her to meet my children soon.  Obviously these plans are now on the backburner.

My girlfriend and I have spoken with one another about the possibility of a hard lockdown and what happens in that situation.  Ordinarily we'd just lockdown together.  However, I have my children to consider.  So, we're just going to wait it out for now.  I fly back to work in a week, where I'll be gone for a month.  A lot will have changed in that time.

Who knows... with the price of the barrel being so low, my job isn't at risk from COVID-19, but rather the Saudis' price war with Russia, tanking the barrel price by flooding the globe with cheap oil.

There's so much uncertainty in the world right now.  Society is being exposed for any weaknesses, from the macro (government) level, right through to the micro level, in the case of individuals hoarding toilet paper and other sanitary items by way of panic buying.

[LynneVicious]

17 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Update: Thursday evening I texted him telling him I love him and hope he’s feeling ok, he never responded.  So I guess it is over 

 

Just can’t believe a man in his late 40’s would ghost someone he claimed he loved and cared for.

Ugh I’m sorry OP. No caring bf would ignore you when you tell him you love him. Have you heard from him at all?

 

my feeling that since he’s only been divorced for a year and a half, he’s ‘confused’. And confused means he may still have feelings for the ex wife, or maybe he is lamenting the loss of the family unit during this pandemic, where he would feel better if his family was together and he could protect them. 
 

Either way, him ignoring you is kind of a deal breaker. 

[Interstellar]

Note to self: never google anything with the keywords rings, ting tings, ringlings, onion rings, strawberry frosted rings, guy looking at rings, lord of the rings, game of thrones, etc...

Edit: please include donuts

Edited April 5, 2020 by Interstellar

[simpycurious]

15 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Note to self: never google anything with the keywords rings, ting tings, ringlings, onion rings, strawberry frosted rings, guy looking at rings, lord of the rings, game of thrones, etc...

Edit: please include donuts

Interstellar just typing donuts will put on a pound so pick another delicious treat:  strawberries.  I am just looking out for you.  You can thank me later. 

[smackie9]

OP it's not over....sounds to me he's feeling really bad he has to stop seeing you because of the ex's request. Remember guys would rather hide or sweep things under the rug than have to deal with feelings or whatever. The stress is getting to him by the sounds of it. Give him his space. Relax, send a message or two of something upbeat, and calming. Keep positive.

[simpycurious]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OP it's not over....sounds to me he's feeling really bad he has to stop seeing you because of the ex's request. Remember guys would rather hide or sweep things under the rug than have to deal with feelings or whatever. The stress is getting to him by the sounds of it. Give him his space. Relax, send a message or two of something upbeat, and calming. Keep positive.

Smackie, that is not FAIR at all.  NOT ALL GUYS/men hide or sweep things away nor do they compartmentalize their feelings. How about SOME GUYS as opposed to GUYS.